Ex at wedding

[Heynegrita]

I am going to be chief bridesmaid at a wedding soon. My ex partner will be there with his new girlfriend. I left him approx 2 years ago for another man.

He has said I cannot bring my new partner to the wedding.

The wedding couple are friends of both of us. The groom being my ex's best friend.

Although I feel I cannot say anything as I would not spoil the wedding, I am wondering if I can leave early. I feel everyone will be judging me as all my exh friends have said they don't want my partner at the wedding either.

We are all in our thirties.

@DonkeysDontRideBicycles

Hi

Perhaps I should have made myself clearer, there are quite a few posts on here advising the OP to raise the issue with the bride which in my opinion almost certainly turn it into a sideshow. I think it is very bad advice, just let the her get on with sorting out her wedding rather then dealing with this drama.

Sorry Cu x-posted. I don't think that the OP has said that her decision to leve was made quite so flippantly.

He ex is entitled to feel however he feels, but two years is actually rather a long time IMO and he is not entitled to make someone else's wedding about his perceived hurt.

I disagree that he was a 'victim' tbh. A relationship that he was in broke down, sadly, but I don't think the OP did anything to make him a victim.

It is rather beside the point of this thread, though, isn't it? OP was wondering what to do about her friend's wedding, not wanting to rehash a relationship breakdown that happened two years ago? I really don't understand her ex's motivations for behaving this way, apart from revenge and selfishness and I feel sorry for the new partners and the couple getting married.

Yes, absolutely, Cu, the OP must NOT involve the bride any further. As I said, the fact they never formally invited her DP in the first place proves they are well aware of the situation and that's how THEY wish to handle it. End of.

Our continued discussion is really nothing to do with the original posting and question: can she leave early? Yes, she can. And it's clear from what else she has followed up with that the bride thinks this is best. END OF.

Agree with scarlet.

@HilaryClinton

Yet on this very thread people are suggesting the OP should rock up with her DP, or ask the bride the groom to have him included, how is that not buggering around with guest list?

Sorry- I think people suggested taking the DP after the bride and groom had invited him.

"Heynegrita Fri 15-Feb-13 07:23:42
No I was his first. I have apologised till I'm blue in the face. We were young we grew up and became different people. I did not want to hurt him for the world . But I stopped loving him. Everybody knew we were having problems. I didn't just say one day out the blue that's it I'm off. We tried and it was exhausting for both of us."

This is probably worth re-highlighting - she didn't "just meet" someone and waltz out of a perfectly healthy relationship for him.

March, I knew you knew. I was doing the same you were :)

I think she should involve the bride because if she decides to pull out, the bride will think she's being pissy about her dp not being there, or that she can't be bothered etc etc.

And that's very likely to be a friendship down the toilet!

@ ChuChullain

Oh right, see what you mean. Yes, definitely the bride and groom's day!

Good luck, Heynegrita.

I'd go along as a single person and leave early. It's not fair to put the bride and groom in a difficult position for what is their day.

However, the ex is an immature, emotionally inadequate idiot and I'm not at all surprised the OP left him. And apart from anything else, what a bloody insult to his plus1. "Hi darling, I've been invited to a wedding and I'd like you to come, but don't go getting any ideas about I feel about you - I've made my X of two years go along without her partner because I'm still so cut up about our breakup so clearly I'm completely emotionally unavailable for you."

Thumb :)

@ Thumbwitch

" - she didn't "just meet" someone and waltz out of a perfectly healthy relationship for him. "

No, but just because an existing relationship is not in great shape it does not give you the right to start mixing it up with other people. Call me old fashioned, but either you try and fix your relationship or you end it before you start a new one, I am not a big admirer of 'overlaps'.

And as the OP herself admitted.

"I didn't cheat as such. I met somebody else and left the marriage."

Its not the most gracious way to exit and it is no surprise that the exDP has less then warm feelings for the OP especially if he wanted to try and save the marriage. Yes he is being an arse now, but I am not surprised that he still has feelings on the matter.

I would be intrigued to know what "I didnt cheat as such" actually means.

I do think you need to talk frankly with the bride (and groom) and leave her at ease.

It is highly likely that ex has pushed her and the groom to keep you out. They probably compromised at leaving your DP out, and considering his attitude, the bride may agree that it's a good idea that you leave early.
She may not feel it's necessary for you to be out of the wedding party, and if she chose you as chief bridesmaid she probably has you in high regard.

And personally, I don't think I'd be happy to be friends with someone so childish and manipulative.
He may be shooting himself on the foot.

OP, I think your ex is behaving like an idiot and the groom is (wrongly imho) pandering to him. I would suggest you go, look amazing, have a great day and tell anyone who wonders why you are there are on your own that it is simply because two years on your ex hasn't moved on sufficiently to see you with someone new, despite the fact that he has brought his own gf along. Don't get too tipsey. Don't leave early. Have a great time!

If you feel strongly about your partner not being invited then don't go to the wedding and say you have had second thoughts and do not wish to go to the wedding or be bridesmaid. If you are fine with him not being invited then just carry on as you had planned.

It is obvious you are not fine with him not being invited. I agree your ex is behaving like an idiot. And if he takes his new partner why shouldn't you take yours. No I don't think I would back down here.

Cuchullain - it sounds as though the OP and her ex had had troubles, tried to fix them and hadn't succeeded - sure the timing was bad, in that they hadn't actually split up before she met someone else, but she did leave the marriage rather than start an affair. Can't always prescribe when you're going to meet someone else; and if your current relationship is pretty much dead in the water, then in reality most people are not going to wait for it to completely sink before they jump ship.

I don't at all get the impression the OP minds about her DP not being invited. It sounds like it was floated, pretty casually, and then everyone backed down from it. So that's one thing. Not great, but not the end of the world.

The remaining question is whether or not this manipulative bully decides to cause a scene, even without the DP there. If it was anything other than someone else's wedding I'd say go along, avoid/be civil to the manipulative bully and if he makes a scene it's not your fault. It's just that in doing that, you are risking someone else's day. That's the only reason I suggest making the bride aware of what seem to be mounting risks.

But equally I do see the logic in keeping it all out of her hair, and hoping for the best (which is basically what you'd be doing).

People who behave like the OP's X deserve to get dumped as they are obviously self-obsessed and inadequate. It's fine to dump someone who isn't making you happy, no one is owed a relationship. And whining and carrying on and trying to make everyone else take sides just demonstrates how right the other person was to leave you.
It isn't nice to be dumped, but you just have to suck it up - or risk everyone else dumping you as a friend as well.

@ SolidGoldBrass

"People who behave like the OP's X deserve to get dumped as they are obviously self-obsessed and inadequate."

Know him personally do you?

"It's fine to dump someone who isn't making you happy, no one is owed a relationship."

Agree with this

"And whining and carrying on and trying to make everyone else take sides just demonstrates how right the other person was to leave you."

Is the exDP some kind of jedi master? People can, and often do make up their own minds. Maybe their animosity is largely down to their disapproval of the manner in which the OP exited her marriage which caused additional hurt to a friend.

"It isn't nice to be dumped, but you just have to suck it up - or risk everyone else dumping you as a friend as well. "

But at the very least, barring extenuating circumstances the 'dumpee' deserves a dignified end to the relationship which is not what the OP allowed.

There are quite a few other threads on here featuring distraught women asking how to cope with the fact that their DH have decided they dont love them or have met another women. Maybe I should use your advice tell them to just 'suck it up'.

Why not reply to your ex and tell him to contact the bride if it's so important to him, although you would advise him not to, as:

• it's her and her STBDH's wedding;
• you are there to help the bride, not interact with him (he'll hardly see you);
• the couple have already shown sensitivity to ex by not formally inviting your DP;
• it is far too close to the wedding to raise this as an issue;
• these attacks on you are unfair on his GF.

Don't say anything else about discussing the breakup and leave the next move to him. The bride is still unaware of this e-mail of his, so it doesn't do you any favours to bring it to her attention. If your ex brings it to her and the room's attention, he is the stressful guest, not you.

I've been on both sides I think.

As the aggrieved party (cheating, assault, rape), after three years being invited to a mutual friend's party. I said I would love to come but couldn't be in his company (mutual friend didn't know extent of problems but did know some) so I'd bow out if he was going. He wasn't invited; I had a great time; all was well. But even though it was so much later and I was happily with someone else, I simply couldn't have spent an hour entire evening in his company.

I'm not clear how the OP's contact with her XH works, but the development that he had then asked her not to go at all did not surprise me. IMHO it is for him to withdraw, but I understand his hurt.

On the other hand, as the dumper, again three years later, I went to my best friend's wedding, with DH. We had met within weeks of the previous breakup, were engaged within weeks and married at the first reasonable opportunity - although there was definitively no overlap I can see that it would have looked like undue haste to my apparently heartbroken ex, who had been ready to propose when I ended it.

I played a role in the wedding ceremony, so it wasn't like he could ignore my presence. He was still single; I was married to a man about as different from him as possible.

It was all fine and we exchanged civil words but it must have been hard. He got very drunk.

I think the ex's feelings are understandable, but his demands are unreasonable. I think the OP has to be the bigger person in this instance, annoying though that is. Two years is no time really - I'm still not over the bad ex from over a decade ago.

The OP has asked for advice regarding leaving the wedding early, NOT judgement for leaving her marriage two years ago. Of course its one of the worst feelings in the world to be left, but that does not give anyone the right to dictate how others then arrange their lives. If it is going to be too hurtful, then dont go, but don`t try to influence others.

I still feel that the bride and groom need to make the final decision, as its their day that could possibly be affected. After all, the OP can walk out at any time if things become difficult. The bride and groom cant.

How long does it take you to get over being cheated on?
How long are you allowed?

Bet that would receive varying responses, in the relationship's section.
According to SGB you just 'suck it up'. But I think lots of wives who post in total misery after discovering that their dh has left them/ he has had an affair, would disagree.