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Original poster

Ex at wedding

206 replies

Heynegrita · 12/02/2013 13:58

I am going to be chief bridesmaid at a wedding soon. My ex partner will be there with his new girlfriend. I left him approx 2 years ago for another man.

He has said I cannot bring my new partner to the wedding.

The wedding couple are friends of both of us. The groom being my ex's best friend.

Although I feel I cannot say anything as I would not spoil the wedding, I am wondering if I can leave early. I feel everyone will be judging me as all my exh friends have said they don't want my partner at the wedding either.

We are all in our thirties.

OP posts:

VoiceofUnreason · 15/02/2013 09:29

2rebecca - while they were having drinks one night, the couple said he could come (which I would take to mean the evening do). This is not the same as him being formally invited to the wedding like other guests. This is why I was asking for clarification from the OP. Sounds as if from the word go, the EXH was invited with his new partner and the OP was invited to be BM and come singly. If so, then the bride and groom were well aware of the possibility of a problem and specifically didn't invite the OP's DP, which is their right.

Now, the invite on a night out for drinks gets thrown into the mix, either because the couple felt it was the right thing to do or because everyone was in a good frame of mind due to drinks (possible).

That's still not terribly clear as to exactly what the OPs DP was invited to (hence my drip feed comment).

Either event, there is an issue, bride and groom obviously aware of it - can be bloody awkward for friends when mutual friends split - and looks like they tried to come up with what THEY felt was best solution for THEIR day at the formal invite stage. I feel sorry they have got caught up in this.

maleview70 · 15/02/2013 09:40

What an immature little boy your ex sounds. I pity his current gf going out with such a man child.

Jesus it was 2 fcking years ago not 2 weeks.

I recently went to a wedding and had current wife on one side of me and ex wife on the other. Happy days....

Life is way too short for this sort of shit.

People who wallow and still make a fuss after 2 years are jus weak

Original poster

Heynegrita · 15/02/2013 09:41

No I haven't spoken to the bride she doesn't know how I'm feeling. I spoke to a friend who is going to the wedding.

OP posts:

HilaryClinton · 15/02/2013 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Heynegrita · 15/02/2013 09:43

No DP was never formally invited. Exh asked that he should not come. And that's okay I would hate a fuss or atmosphere at a wedding .

OP posts:

VoiceofUnreason · 15/02/2013 09:52

Right, end of discussion then. Sticking to the original question: yes, it would be perfectly acceptable to leave early. Doesn't matter what EXH says, your DP wasn't formally invited. So you do your duty and then you and DP can go and have a lovely meal out somewhere, just the two of you, no atmosphere and think you're much better off than your EXH who still has issues.

CuChullain · 15/02/2013 10:04

Some incredibly sycophantic responses on here, as someone further up the thread has mentioned, if this was a guy moaning about his ex-wife whom he left for another women I would feel there would be a lot less sympathy for him.

To all those advocating the fact that the ex DP should have ?got over things? or ?moved on? by now really have no idea how being the victim of an affair can utterly mess you up. This surprises me given that half the threads on this site seem to detail in excruciating detail the emotional fallout that result from affairs. Additionally, just because the exDP has a new girlfriend it does not mean he should by default be 100% cool with meeting his ex, the person who betrayed his trust, left him an emotional ruin and generally turned his life upside down. Over the two years I imagine time has allowed him to look at things more objectively, to heal some emotional scars and to have the confidence to start dating other women, however, there will still be resentment, and possibly anger, he has not forgotten that dark place he was recently in and meeting the person who put him there is always going to stir up emotions and open up old wounds. Yes he is being a bit of knob writing emails demanding the OP should withdraw, but you cant blame him for feeling the way he does.

With regards to the other guests showing animosity to the OP, it probably has less to do with the exDPs shit stirring and more to do with them being distinctly unimpressed with the OPs actions of two years ago. That?s what friends do, support each other, and there are probably a fair few there who helped picked up the pieces and were there for your ex when you did a runner. When you exited the relationship in the manner that you did you burnt a few bridges and dare I say lost any moral high ground in the process, affairs are incredibly polarising things as they fracture friendships as battle lines are drawn out between the supporters of either party.

The bride and groom have enough on their plate trying to organise the wedding without being called into arbitrate on your bust up with the ex. Either go and perform your duties with a smile on your face or don?t go at all, do not gate crash with your DP, for starters he will look pretty silly when he has nowhere to sit for the meal, secondly you are turning this whole affair into a sideshow to what should be somebody else?s big day.

makinglemonade · 15/02/2013 10:07

OP I think you have been put in a really awkward position.
I feel for the bride and groom, it's not fair that your exh has brought their wedding day into his drama.
If you weren't bridesmaid then I'd say don't go at all. But I think the bride would be upset if you pulled out now.

You need to speak to the bride and tell her what exh has said and that you think it best not to be there but it's her decision.

I honestly think that as he isn't part of the wedding party and its him that has the problem then he shouldn't go.

I feel for you and I sympathise that your exh is obviously still hurt about this. I've been bridesmaid at 2 mutual friends weddings where exdp was in attendance. It was super awkward.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/02/2013 10:10

Irrespective of gender, someone behaving like this man two years down the line from being dumped is only demonstrating how right the OP was to have an affair and leave him. Because he's a self-obsessed loser who's happy to spoil everyone's day and make it all about him.

OP, send him an email to the effect that he is not hosting or paying for the wedding so the guest list is not up to him, and that he is not to email you again. Tell him that you intend to behave with dignity on the day and hope t hat he will manage to do so for the sake of the bride and groom.

CuChullain · 15/02/2013 10:16

"Irrespective of gender, someone behaving like this man two years down the line from being dumped is only demonstrating how right the OP was to have an affair and leave him."

Wow, just wow.

HilaryClinton · 15/02/2013 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marcheline · 15/02/2013 10:22

I didn't think that the OP actually had an affair? I'm not particularly au fait with the language of affairs but I assumed nothing physical happened while she was married? I understand emotional affairs can be just as serious but if things were very difficult, they had married young and turned into different people, I can understand if she met someone who she felt would be a more suitable partner for her. Didn't sounds like she did anything too underhand to me.

OP, I think I must have got confused about who you were talking to regarding your hotel room, sorry. I think you just need to be there for your friend and disengage with the strange man-child you used to be married to.

Thumbwitch · 15/02/2013 10:24

Marcheline, she said she didn't have an affair, she left the marriage before taking up with her current DP (which is what is always advised on here when people meet someone while they're with someone else).

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/02/2013 10:28

Had the exH or his current gf posted, CuChullain, yes we might all be responding differently. Or maybe not. I can recall plenty of posts on this and other Topic sections in which the originator of a thread doesn't find everyone agreeing with him or her.

secondly you are turning this whole affair into a sideshow to what should be somebody else?s big day

Did you not see the OP started this thread by saying, I feel I cannot say anything as I would not spoil the wedding adding this morning at 09:41:19:
I haven't spoken to the bride she doesn't know how I'm feeling. I spoke to a friend who is going to the wedding.

Hardly a sideshow raising this as a topic on MN. Given the description it sounds as if the exH is using their friends' wedding day as a massive point scoring exercise. Strange choice of opportunity.

Marcheline · 15/02/2013 10:28

I think two years is a long time to take to get over what was essentially just a relationship breakdown. Yes, it is very sad but OP wasn't abusive, didn't leave her XP without money or property, there were no children / pregnancies involved...

Lots of people on this board are treated appallingly by their partners, and quite rightly take a lot of time to cone to terms with things and heal.

I don't think that the OP and her ex are comparable to the sort of situations you are alluding to.

Beograde · 15/02/2013 10:33

I'm split on this, as I can imagine the situation if we were switched the genders - two years isn't that long to get over a wedding, maybe one never really gets over that kind of thing 100%

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 15/02/2013 10:34

Op, he may want closure as you say. But using someone else's wedding to get it is just SO SELFISH, FFS!

waltermittymissus · 15/02/2013 10:37

Wow. What a situation!

Firstly, I do think some of the "it was two years ago, get over it" posts are a bit harsh.

Nobody knows how devastated ex was after the split and everyone copes differently. I'm not sure you can put a time frame on getting over the break-up of a marriage because your spouse falls in love with someone else!

In saying that, I think the email is insane. Sounds like he wants to use the wedding as a stick to bash you with.

If B/G have decided not to invite your DP then that's unfortunate but their decision. I wouldn't pull out over that.

However, ex sounds like he's gunning for a fight. I would forward his email to the bride and tell her that you absolutely don't mind stepping down if it will ensure her day goes smoothly.

If she still wants you there, send him back an email saying since you're important enough to actually be in the wedding, maybe he should stay away.

CuChullain · 15/02/2013 10:37

@Marcheline

I think the OP described it as ?just met another man and left?, which almost sounds like bumping into some random chap down Tesco?s one afternoon and deciding there and then to end her marriage and start a relationship with the guy she had just met.

I fully understand that people and expectations can change in a marriage, especially if you married young, but you end that relationship first before shacking up with someone new. Even if the OP did nothing physical with this new bloke, at the very least it would have been an emotional affair and that would have involved some kind of deceit and betrayal of trust. At the end of the day she left her exDP for another man, a confidence crushing and humiliating thing to be the victim of, it?s no surprise that the exDP does not want her to be there and still has strong feelings on the matter. I agree that he is not handling those feelings well but you can?t blame him for having them.

Marcheline · 15/02/2013 10:40

Yes Thumb, i understand that. Was trying to be sensitive to the poster above as I thought that their post might have been driven by their own hurt.

To be honest though, the OP does say thy he left her ex for her current partner, which would suffer some kind of emotional connection whilst she was still married. I think it is understandable though, ad as I said above I don't think she did anything wrong based on what j understand fronte thread.

Marcheline · 15/02/2013 10:41

Aah! From what I understand from the thread.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 15/02/2013 10:42

Yes, but you can blame him for using SOMEONE ELSE'S WEDDING to express these strong feelings.

He could have made this demand for closure any time in the last two years. He has chosen to do this now. He obviously doesn't care as much for his best friend (the groom) as he does about trying to get what he wants.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 15/02/2013 10:43

Whether or not she did anything wrong is TOTALLY IRRELEVANT.

This is someone else's wedding!

Beograde · 15/02/2013 10:45

But as far as I can tell, it's someone else's wedding, with a large number of mutual friends - and they seem to largely side with the xH

HilaryClinton · 15/02/2013 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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