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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

to not want bil to hold DD tightly and not let go?

120 replies

littlemisssarcastic · 08/02/2013 23:17

I don't know how you would describe it, apart from to say every time he sees DD, he gets hold of her, puts his arms around her and holds onto her tightly, usually whilst saying something like 'You can't get out of this can you DD! Go on, try to get out of this then!'

I cannot leave them in the same room together, because it seems as soon as they are alone, it starts again. I'm sure DD can't be enjoying it??

I have asked him to put her down, said she doesn't like it, even physically taken DD from him, and tbh, there have been a few times when he has held on even as I am pulling DD out of his vice like grip.

Sometimes, he doesn't take any notice and just says 'She likes it.'

Perhaps it is the grimace on his face as he is holding her that makes me very uncomfortable about the whole thing.

I have tried speaking to my family about it, and don't go round bil's much anyway, but family's response is to say it doesn't happen when they are there, (oh yes it does) and then to be very sarcastic about it and say 'Well don't go to bil's house then?' meaning I would hardly ever see my sister.

I try to go when bil is at work, but since he works very irregular hours, and doesn't have regular days/hours he works, it is difficult to keep track.

OP posts:

GailTheGoldfish · 09/02/2013 07:17

It sounds like he enjoys demonstrating that he is stronger than a little girl which is pathetic. I think you have to risk upset in the family over this OP. You said you were the pushover in the family, let the fact that your daughter is basically being bullied spur you on to defend her feelings at the expense of others. Keep standing up to him and also ask your sister to be more supportive. Plenty of good comebacks suggested here and ultimately he needs to be told that if he can't control himself you cannot trust him to be around your daughter.

TidyDancer · 09/02/2013 07:18

I think you need to helicopter her if she is in the same room as him. And physically wrench her away if he goes near her. Shaming might work if there is enough of an audience, but this moron does sound a tad Teflon, in so much that nothing that's been said thus far has actually stuck.

Regardless of his motivations (and I'm not immediately and specifically screaming paedophile) you have old him this is not on, DD has expressed she doesn't like it, and yet he continues. That alone makes him a tool.

She is at an age where this kind of thing can leave a lasting impression so it's the time to act. Taking a friend with you to back you up is a good idea.

Svrider · 09/02/2013 07:23

Yanbu to not like this behaviour
Yavvvu to allow this to continue op

Morloth · 09/02/2013 07:38

Every time you let this happen you are teaching her that it is OK for go someone to grab her/put their hands on her, and she shouldn't make a fuss.

STOP letting it happen. If that means not seeing your sister, then that is a shame but it is a risk you take when you marry a prick.

FreudiansSlipper · 09/02/2013 07:49

Yanbu at all

Firstly something is wrong with him ignoring your dd and you. You feeling uncomfortable with it is somethng you should not ignore

Secondly it is so important that children are listened to if they do not want to be held, tickled, hugged then that is their right. Tell him this is what you are teaching your dd to protect herself. I teach ds that if he does not want to be hugged etc he is to say no please do not do that. Sadly he sounds like he would ignore you so I think taking her physically away and telling him when others are around what you are teaching your dd and for him to respect that as it is important for her safety and tell your sister too this is what is are teaching our dd and everyone needs to respect that

they may think you are being a tad over sensitive but so what. I have to tell my mum this. If ds gets upset she will hug him and not let him go when is struggling to come to me but I remind her that if he does not want to be held be her that is his choice

imogengladhart · 09/02/2013 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Matildaduck · 09/02/2013 07:49

You need to stop it now...massive fuss if he does it and everytime after.

Forget causing a fuss ..spell it out clearly. Do not do that, do not touch her, this is innappropriate behaviour. Explain to your sister he is not to do it ever again.

Stand up for her, as you would for yourself if he did it to you.

TheFallenNinja · 09/02/2013 07:50

Im the walkover in the family.

I think you need to keep reading this over to yourself until you realise that you can no longer be this.

Get control, put some noses out of joint, blaze a trail, raise hell.

Do not court opinion if you think that something isn't right for your daughter. If YOU don't think it right, it isn't. Next time your round there tell him straight, no more, if he argues then coats on, go home.

You are the defender of your daughter, so suit up and get into battle for her. Whether or not this fella is a peado or a tool. It doesn't matter.

MrsMushroom · 09/02/2013 07:52

You need to wait until you next go there...as soon as he walks in you say DO NOT pick DD up. If you pick her up today, I will punch your lights out.

And then smile. If he does then you have all the rights in the world to remove DD from the room and tell hgim you are calling the police as he's assualted your DD.

I feel SO angry on your and DDs behalf. What a TWAT. Keep away from him. Do you have a DH?

shemademedoit · 09/02/2013 07:56

Er....can't you get teacher her to bite him? (half serious)

PurplePidjin · 09/02/2013 07:58

Can you laugh at him too? Haha, bil, don't be so pathetic she's clearly not enjoying it, don't you know anything about children?

Or the Jimmy Saville bomb

shemademedoit · 09/02/2013 08:01

Oops. Can't you get her/ can't you teach her. (I've for the flu )

bbface · 09/02/2013 08:04

This Is all very very odd.

That your family would see you as making a dramatic scene over this, your own mother and sister. Is there a back history? I just can't imagine anyone dismissing me when it came to my child.

The pseudo psychological reason why you think your bil does it.

You clearly dislike the man, the way you write of him just watching 'shit' on tv, the fact that he has a pathetic expression on his face after being told to putnyourndaughter down. The language and tone of your post indicates you really do not get on with this man.

And of course the very fact that your bil does this.

You are a mother. You are worried. A big part of a there's job description is defending her children and representing them when they are too young to articulate themselves. Neither you nor your daughter are happy with this situation. You just, you absolutely must, focus on this single fact.

Before you get there, say to your daughter that you are not going to let bil pick her u and squeeze her as that can't be fun. you do not need to go into anybfurther detail.
When you walk into the room, hold your daughter's hands, look at your bil and say 'I have promised Dd that she is not going to be picked up and squeezed. So gentle hugs only please'.
If he dares disrespect this. Gather your dd and politely excuse yourself from the house. Mono screaming, shouting, but leave.

DoctorAnge · 09/02/2013 08:04

What an utter prick.

Keep her away from him.

bbface · 09/02/2013 08:05

I meant 'no shouting or screaming'

ChristmasJubilee · 09/02/2013 08:08

Don't go to the party. Drop of the present when he is not around. Tell your family why you can't go. Tell them dd does not like it and gets upset about it and as her mother you have to protect her. If they try to tell you it's just a bit of fun tell them that it is fun for bil but not for dd. Let them know you can't visit whilst this continues.

Don"t ever leave dd in the position where she might be alone with this man and teach her to be very wary of him

mummytime · 09/02/2013 08:11

I wouldn't allow even gentle hugs to be honest.

The key thing to me is he is ignoring her NO, and her boundaries.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 08:21

Be strong OP. you know this is nt right but the way your family respond makes it scary to challenge it.

Some of us, sadly, have to choose between our birth family and our children when family do not respect our reasnable requests. It is time to put your child first.

I would try one last time, make a massive fucking scene and say 'if you ever do that again I will never let you in the same room as my daughter. I have asked nicely, now I am asking not nicely'. And you mean it. Any shit from your family you say 'he is the problem. Discuss this with him.'

Sorry you are going through this but be strong and show your daughter how to say no.

Pagwatch · 09/02/2013 08:21

I agree with bbface

I think the idea of dealing with this the moment you arrive is a good one. I also like the fact that the fact that it is unacceptable is said in front of him and your DD, so DD understands that you are not ok with it. It also places him in the position of then have go opens ignore the clear statement that he does not like it which should (even for a man with no boundaries) be harder to do.
She needs to hear you say that to him. He needs to be embaressed by having her see his behaviour described as unacceptable.

I guess I would probably be more forceful though.

"BIL. DD does not like the game where you grab her and squeeze her. She really doesn't. I promised her I would make sure you wouldn't do it anymore but of course you won't - will you. Because that would be incredibly nasty when you know she doesn't like it. So don't worry DD"

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 08:23

Yes, I think the advice to ask for it not t happen as soon as you arrive is good.

Then go nuclear if it does.

MarshaBrady · 09/02/2013 08:26

Yes your dd needs to hear you tell him that it is not right. She and you will not put up with it. Be straight and clear and think about the positive effect that will have on your dd. Sod him, idiot.

LadyKinbote · 09/02/2013 08:31

This is probably a silly question at this stage in the conversation but are you certain she doesn't like it? I only ask because DD does this kind of play with DGPs and loves it!
If you're sure she doesn't like it she's not too young to learn that her body is her own and other people mustn't cuddle / kiss / tickle her if she doesn't want them to. And that if they do she is to say "NO" in a loud, clear voice. You can then explain to the family as a whole that this is what you've taught her.

financialwizard · 09/02/2013 08:35

Agree with mummytime

I would grab dd and walk in those circumstances.

FooffyShmoo · 09/02/2013 08:35

This utterly infuriates me. I agree with what Pagwatch says. However if this continues further I would be tempted to get very close to his ear and through gritted teeth say " keep your fucking hands off my child or I WILL tear your balls off you fucking inadequate". Then stand up, smile and walk my child away.

Possibly not helpful or wise but he needs a shock.

Pagwatch · 09/02/2013 08:37

I think her dd saying "get off. Let me go" probably should inform the OPs view on that.
Unless it is accompanied by giggles and then cries of 'do it again', I would assume she doesn't.

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