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Relationships

Getting back the passion after an affair...

105 replies

jenny99 · 03/02/2013 11:59

Last night my husband and I kissed for the first time since May. I have had (and admitted to) having an affair and we are both working on rebuilding our marriage.

He feels that sex is an important part of it yet I feel not ready for that yet and feel as tho that will be 'the icing on the cake' when I know things will work out. I'm not trying to withhold it etc I just don't feel the urge or want to do it for the sake of it. We have discussed this and he also says he only wants me to do it if I am ready and want to do it.

We want to work things out yet just don't know yet whether it will be ok or not. things have been rocky for 1-2 yrs.

So it started out quite nice and tender and I was waiting to feel some passion. I didn't :(

I just wanted to feel his passion for me, his wanting me as he keeps saying how much he loves me and wants me. I know an affair is all about the thrill and excitement but I hoped that after abstinence with OH for so long there may have been a bit?!

Is this an indication it will never be ok again or will it grow as our relationship betters?

The sex was a bit boring for a long long time and will need to be addressed if we stay together but I don't think now is the right time. I tried many times to spice things up a bit over the last few years and he was happy how it was....

I can't tell him yet that it wasn't great. But I want to feel a bit of passion! Aargh. Not sure what I want to hear from anyone but maybe just want to get it off my chest.

Thank you for reading x

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worsestershiresauce · 03/02/2013 14:41

I speak from the other side of this scenario, as the innocent party. However, I don't think I was entirely blameless, in the same way I don't think Jenny99's DH was entirely blameless. My DH and I made mistakes, didn't communicate about issues and inwardly ignored/denied problems in our marriage. That is how his affair started. I know there is no excuse for having an affair, but often there is an explanation, and people do make mistakes. I blame him not OW, he was entirely responsible, but I also understand him, and why it happened.

My point here is perhaps we should accept Jenny99's position without feeling the need to castigate her.

However, Jenny, from what you have written I don't think you are yet in a place where reconciliation will work. For a couple to survive an affair the 'guilty' party has to really regret what they have done at every level, and be desperate to make it work. They have to lay open their hearts to their spouse, tell them everything they want to know, do everything they ask with respect to cutting contact, talking about the unmentionable, going to counselling, being supportive and taking things at a sensitive pace. Right now Jenny you seem to want your H to play this role for you. That can't work, don't you see? If you don't want him back so desperately that you will do anything to keep him he will never feel he can trust you, and you will never properly value him. You need to be at a position of equal power in the relationship. Right now he wants you, and you are saying 'maybe'.

For your own and his sanity I recommend you live apart for a while. If space is a huge relief and you do not miss him, then you have your answer. I moved out when my DH had an affair, and to be blunt it made him realise what he had given up. I missed him too, but found the process liberating in that I discovered myself again, and lost the fear of being alone. What that meant was when we did reconcile the power base had shifted to a more equal position. I loved him but knew I would never compromise myself to be with him, and he found that he loved me too much to risk losing me again. You two need to reach this point as until you do he will never trust you, and you will never appreciate him.

Passion returns without effort when the rest is sorted. You are putting the cart before the horse. Of course you feel no passion, you haven't cleared the OM out of your head, and have no hunger to keep your DH.

Separate, take stock, and if you never regain that passion set yourselves free to pursue happier futures.

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VanderElsken · 03/02/2013 14:44

Great, be aware that the choice to do that is an active and very powerful part of making the effort you claim to be making. If you change that, in any way, you would be deliberately sabotaging your primary relationship and not doing what you say you are doing. Ideally, if OM should contact you in any way, you would inform your OH, and not reply.

Be the change you want to see. If passion is what your relationship lacks, be more passionate towards your partner, and in your life in general. And so on.
Take responsibility for what is missing and be it. It will spread and grow. Just as doubt, listened to, spreads and grows.

If you deep down don't want to be with your OH, in your core, and you are doing all this to salve you conscience, better to leave immediately and punish yourself in a different way, through being alone and letting him get on with his life.

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TheOriginalLadyFT · 03/02/2013 14:45

That's a really thoughtful post, worcestershiresauce

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badinage · 03/02/2013 14:46

Tell your husband the truth FFS. The only reason you haven't is because you think like most sane people who knew they were the fall-back kid for a very selfish partner, he wouldn't have you back.

Is your husband having some counselling? If so, I bloody hope his counsellor is suggesting he gets the truth before he decides to stay with you.

And FWIW, I think people can get over affairs. I know couples who have. But only when the cheater has told the whole truth and isn't staying because they got dumped and would have left if they hadn't.

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likeatonneofbricks · 03/02/2013 14:49

wise words, OriginalLady! it's the need to reconnect with your emotions which often leads to affairs, and really her H didn't help at all by ignoring her concerns and suggestion for counselling - I think this is the reason that he wants to work on it, as he must also feel guilty about ignoring her.
I don't thinkit's necessary the case that r-shi can't work because OM dumped her, she doesn't know how the real life with OM would be, she could have then realised that she prefers her H (once the first flush of passion was over).

Her H is really not helping by saying sex is important now when he sgould understand that tey need to get the emotional connection back. That's quite crude of him tbh.

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TheOriginalLadyFT · 03/02/2013 14:49

Why are you so angry badinage? The swearing and need to make the OP feel bad? She knows what she did is wrong, and no doubt they will have to work through what happened, hopefully in the supportive atmosphere of counselling.

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badinage · 03/02/2013 14:52

She doesn't accept she's wrong for failing to tell her husband the whole truth. She's kidding herself that she's with-holding that info because he doesn't want to know.

I'd bet a tidy sum she wouldn't be saying the affair was wrong either, if the OM had been willing to have her.

Hypocrisy and lying make me angry.

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badinage · 03/02/2013 15:13

So he DID go with you to counselling then? But by that time, you were already having an affair and you lied all through the counselling?

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jenny99 · 03/02/2013 15:21

worcestershiresauce and vanderelsjken thank you.

Thank you to all those who 'get' where I am coming from.

My husband isn't wanting sex in a 'crude' way likeatonne but I genuinely think that for him sex is an expression of emotion and love and he isn't a very emotional person. He doesn't generally express his feelings so for him sex = love.

That is why he hasn't asked any details. He doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to discuss it.

We are having counselling at the moment and the counsellor knows everything.

My husband doesn't show emotions at all. No blame... but perhaps that is what got us here?

Really really appreciate those with helpful advice. I need help. I know that xx

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jenny99 · 03/02/2013 15:29

Am I overthinking???

He just walked back in from being at football with our youngest and he looks cold and tired and I wanted to hug him and show him I care.

OMG I am confused.

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badinage · 03/02/2013 16:03

Just because people don't agree with you, don't assume they don't 'get where's you're coming from'. I think some people on this thread get it just fine.

On that other thread you said he willingly went to couples counselling all through the summer and you omitted to mention you were already having an affair. Yet on this thread you made out that you begged him to go to counselling and he refused.

Like I said on the thread I was on, maybe he's got his own reasons for asking no questions and having you back. I'm more interested in your truthful reasons for not being honest with him yourself.

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jenny99 · 03/02/2013 16:10

2011 I asked him to go to counselling he refused. Last summer we went to relate. I wasn't honest. Since beginning of December we have been going again and I am being totally honest.

I wasn't meaning that maybe others don't 'get' me to be insulting but I was meaning that I am looking for constructive advice seeing as my husband and I have decided to try and work through this together and accept what has happened and to make our marriage strong again. Therefore comments suggesting it is over and to move on may not be perceived as being that useful right now for example. That's all. I am genuinely trying hard and being truthful now and want to make it work.

Whether it can or not is obviously another issue.

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jenny99 · 03/02/2013 16:12

I am not being dishonest with him now. He told me he doesn't want to know anything. He said he doesn't want any more information about it. Should I sit him down and make him listen to all the sordid details? I doubt that would help?!

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badinage · 03/02/2013 16:22

I said before that he's entitled not to know the gory details and I can understand why he might not. But the information you're with-holding isn't sordid and it changes the picture completely. The OM ended the relationship and if he hadn't, you would have left. Your husband doesn't know that. He's probably kidding himself that you felt so much guilt after your weekend of passion that you ended it straight away. Not true.

One of the reasons you're feeling no passion is because there are some major truths that he doesn't know. You really aren't being truthful with yourself or us claiming that you're not telling him that because he doesn't want to know. You're not telling him because you fear the consequences to you, that's all.

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badinage · 03/02/2013 16:24

And wasn't it you on another thread recently saying you still hide your phone from your husband?

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voddiekeepsmesane · 03/02/2013 16:41

OP sorry but i am just not feeling that you have a passion to make this work and maybe that is why you are not feeling that"passion" you so desperately want.
Let me see what I recall of what my dp said when he he told me about his affair less than 48 hours ago!
He has told me everything and when i continued to ask he told me all over again. He has held nothing of himself back and has told me that he wants us to work again. He has not put any pressure on me. And well its early days and i don't know yet.
What I am trying to say is that you don't sound passionate about wanting to make it work imho

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jenny99 · 03/02/2013 16:45

He hasn't asked what happened. He actually said he doesn't want to know why it is over but only wants to know is it over.

Yes I still hide my phone. Lock it that is. I always have. I have on it texts to my bf about this. I also have this thread on it. And I take screen shots of the replies that help me and keep them in photos. So whilst I am being honest about my feelings I still feel I need a little bit of privacy.

He has said he doesn't want access to my phone. I don't have any communication still on it with the OM.

I told him this week that he has a choice in this and that I am choosing to stay and want to work things out but that he also has a choice.

If he wants to split then I would accept that. I actually don't fear the consequences. I fear us not making the right choice or giving it a proper shot.

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Looksgoodingravy · 03/02/2013 16:47

Agree with Badinage.

This is a pretty big piece of information you're keeping back. You're not been truthful either to your dh or to yourself.

Have you had counselling for yourself? If you want to work on your marriage then maybe this is a step towards salvaging something.

Have to say if dp had told me the ow had dumped him otherwise he would have left we wouldn't still be together now.

Are you sure you would have left?

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Bobbybird40 · 03/02/2013 16:48

OP - if the other bloke got in touch tomorrow and said he wanted you back and for you and him to make a life together, what would you do?

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overbythere · 03/02/2013 16:51

Hi, I feel exactly the same as you but I didn't have an affair, I had a relationship while separated and my ex wants to start again. Not only am I not feeling the passion, I don't want to be intimate at all - no kissing or cuddling or anything. It just makes me freeze. I so want it to work but don't know how to get the feelings back. People are judging you about the affair but your actual problem now is about how you get back on track with your husband. Is there anyone out there who has managed to rekindle the passion?

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50shadesofmeh · 03/02/2013 17:02

Basically when you look elsewhere the passion and thrill you gain from the affair is going to be hard to match isn't it, so to put it harshly you have fucked whatever you had with your husband by having the affair, so you need to decide if the relationship has other better things going for it that make it worth staying together and hope to god the passion returns in time.

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Helltotheno · 03/02/2013 17:11

OP you don't rekindle the passion in your case, sorry, not under the current circs. We're wasting an awful lot of words on a situation that's really very simple: You don't fancy your DH and won't while you still fancy the other guy; your DH sounds like he could be slightly 'doormat'y since he's been willing to take you back no questions asked. That will likely not change even if you tell him the full truth, making you subconsciously respect him even less, and dashing for once and for all any chance of you ever fancying him again.

You won't leave because you're afraid to be one who instigates that (I'm guessing because you don't want to look like the Bad Guy later in the children's eyes; there could be other reasons I'm not aware of).
But you're quite happy for him to instigate a separation, only you know that's unlikely because of the type he is (see my para above). Rock and hard place OP. The only solution to this involves you leaving but you won't, so it's just a case of asking yourself do you think you'll be able to stick this relationship out indefinitely.

Nobody can tell you how to get your mojo back for a guy you don't fancy because it's doubtful anyone has ever done it without making drastic changes in their lives.

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daffsarecomingup · 03/02/2013 17:21

i had an affair which my 'd'h didn't find out about at the time. i got dumped when the OM's partner found out.
i decided to end my marriage. i didn't tell him about the affair at the time, because i didn't feel he needed that hurt (someone else did tell him later though), but I didn't feel I could continue with the marriage, knowing how deeply i had felt about someone else.
I think, OP, that posters are right when they question your emotional attachment to the OM. You are not me, but I know that I would never have been able look my husband in the eye after what i had done - even if he never knew.
it won't stop me being flamed, but i bitterly regret the affair. it was the worst mistake of my life.

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