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Moving on after having an affair

(49 Posts)
jenny99 Mon 17-Dec-12 20:20:52

Thank you to so many of you who posted on my earlier threads.

To summarise....I was having an emotional affair with an old flame and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to separate but my husband wouldn't, he wanted to fight for our marriage. He is a wonderful man. And I am ashamed to say I am not attracted to him anymore and am bored with him.

So, since I posted....I met the old flame. Had a wonderful time with him. Spoke again about separation with my husband. He still refuses to understand. So I told him what I had done.

In the wake of this the OM feels too guilty to continue. He says he loves me but cannot make me happy and he does not want me to pack in my perfect life for him. It is over.

My husband and I are having counselling. I know I should make it work with him. We have been happy before and have 2 DCs.

BUT ....

Even though contact with the OM has stopped and I will not be seeing him again I can't get him out my head. Everything reminds me of him. Any song on the radio, stupid things like underwear I bought....times of the day that we always spoke etc. it goes on.

My husband has taken everything I have thrown at him. He takes it. And says we will get through it. I see this as weak, and therefore unattractive, I see that he doesn't want to lose me... - my best friend says it is him being strong and wanting to take control. He says the ball is in my court. But it shouldn't be. He has a choice too.

I cannot get over the fact that altho I have loved my husband very much, I never ever loved him the same way as the old flame. He really was the love of my life. And now I have had another taste I don't know I can ever settle for my husband even if it was like when we were newlyweds.

The sex doesn't compare.

This may sound like it is pretty much over with my husband. And it may well be. I don't even feel guilty which is a bad sign to me. But I am not a bad person at heart and I feel distraught at the havoc. If this sounds like I am being cold and unemotional it's because I just don't know where to start. I am crying way too much about this, and with the kids breaking up this week I really need to pull myself together. I want to make things work with my husband, I really do. I know that is the best thing to do for all of us but I am just not feeling it.

Please don't slaughter me. I need help. Please help me to be a good wife to my wonderful husband and advise me how I can fall back in love with him.

(I have the Shirley glass book and a whole ton of others from amazon about reigniting the passion).

(We haven't had sex for 6 months and I can't even begin to consider that right now unfortunately)

I seem to only see the negative in what he does. I want to see the positive. I've tried the law of attraction stuff but it isn't helping.

I told him that when he's home this evening I want to look at old photos on the computer and choose a couple of them every night to start a new folder of good times we've had.

I just need to feel it more in my heart and I want to get that gut wrenching feeling when he talks about what if we do split up and I don't get it. I want to get that gut wrenching sick feeling that says 'what on earth have I done?' And I don't get it.

Any advice please is so so welcome. I really want to fix things and he does too but I just don't know where to start. And when the feelings start to feel real rather than forced effort.

Thank you so much x

AppearingDignified Mon 17-Dec-12 20:58:59

Good luck OP. There are many who have tried to do what you are doing. Think ling term and don't try and rush it. Your ex is also not being entirely honest with you.

Kahlua4me Mon 17-Dec-12 21:14:05

Why did you and your old flame split first time round?

jenny99 Mon 17-Dec-12 21:23:20

Circumstance and age...we were too young. We should have married then. We talked about it. Too many regrets now sad

HollyBerryBush Mon 17-Dec-12 21:26:54

Not flaming you - you are taking your DH for a fool, stringing him along, trying to create prefection, when you ahve checked out of the relationship. You are settling for second best (in your eyes) when you could set him free to move on and meet someone who will love him.

SundaeGirl Mon 17-Dec-12 21:29:45

I'm not going to slaughter you because I think we're all capable of being where you are - it's very human. However, you are making all of you unhappy so you need to rethink this.

I think YOU need to leave your DH and children and see how cold it is on the outside. Because it's cold, people are people and hot sex turns into normal then boring sex pretty quickly. You are deluded about your ex. It will not work out with him because you've tried it and it didn't.

Your DH is being strong, and you need to have more respect for him.

SundaeGirl Mon 17-Dec-12 21:30:59

Also, why do you keep discussing separation with your DH? Separating is an action - just go! But don't engineer it so he has to leave, that would make you a bitch.

jenny99 Mon 17-Dec-12 21:31:21

I'm not meaning to string him along. I have told him what I have done and I have told him I don't know if I want to be with him. I have asked him 4 times this year if we can have a separation. The last time we spoke which was after counselling this weekend I told him that I want to try and work things out but right now I don't feel attracted to him or love him in the right way. I am not trying to string him along. I want to find the love again and I want things to be perfect between us. I just don't know how.
He wants to keep working at it.

EtoilesPleinLesYeux Mon 17-Dec-12 21:31:29

You need to spend some time away from your show so you can both think clearly

jenny99 Mon 17-Dec-12 21:33:22

My OH leaves the house at 6.30am and is home at 8pm. I am a sahm. If I leave he needs to get a nanny or stop work. He knows that isn't practical. He just wouldn't be able to care for the kids. I hVe suggested separate bedrooms.

The bottom line is that whatever has happened has happened. I want to put things right now. Please.

beckyboo232 Mon 17-Dec-12 21:36:35

No flaming or judging from me. If in your heart you feel that you are settling with your husband then I think he kindest thing would be to separate. It's not fair on either of you. Marriage isn't easy but it shouldn't be this hard either and it cannot be forced. Time I think is the only way to see if over the years the feelings return for you, but whether or it that is either right or fair only you can decide.

SundaeGirl Mon 17-Dec-12 21:39:22

Move out for a bit (you not him) and go over during the day to look after the kids.

Stop asking for a separation. It's controlling and you know it. If you want to separate LEAVE.

jenny99 Mon 17-Dec-12 21:43:51

Go over at 6.30am every weekday?

He doesn't want that anyway. We want to try and work at it.

I want to know how to get 'it' back. I don't want to settle and if I can't get it back I won't settle. But I want to try and work things out. It could be that I am obviously still clouded by OM so am trying to get him out my head. Want to get the feelings back.

4boyzmum Mon 17-Dec-12 21:47:04

I think perhaps you're not feeling the way you want to feel as you're just too numb to feelings at the present time?? Sometimes the situation overwhelms you and to feel anything is just too much. So much is going on in your life at the minute....the time of year will not be helping as there is the pressure of being 'happy families' heaped on you. When you feel like your world is so messed up its so hard pretending. Before you met old flame were you happy?? Is there a solid base to work on or if you're being truthfully honest were you just treading water anyway?? I believe that as you only get one life you owe it to yourself and your DH to choose what will make you both ultimately happy. But good things, the things that really mean something, sometimes have to be really worked at to get. It may seem completely hopeless now. Sounds corny but time has a way of clarifying thoughts. Hasty decisions are very often the wrong ones. Take your time, give yourself time. I promise you, you will feel better.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Mon 17-Dec-12 21:47:32

You need to be honest with your H. If you want to end the marriage then end it, dont string him along.

You need to stop thinking about OM too. He has run away. If he wanted to be with you, then he would be with you. Don't make your H second best either. My XH returned for 6 weeks, yet continued to contact OW behind my back. I would rather that he had never come back at all, than come back and be thinking about somebody else.

your feelings may return for your H but at the moment you sound like you just cant be bothered

jenny99 Mon 17-Dec-12 21:54:37

4boyz...thank you. I am very confused and overwhelmed right now you are right.

Things weren't great...I had suggested counselling last October following a few major discussions about not being happy. I wasn't unhappy, I just wasn't happy. If you know what I mean? I then got in touch with OM in December.

I'mdreaming....I'm trying hard to be honest with him. And want to get OM out my head. It is over. It's hard to get him out my head.

The counsellor said that it is too soon to make any decisions either way at the moment - I only told OH about it 2 weeks ago.

Want to make it work with OH. It's hard. I want him to be the one for me forever. I just don't know he can be.

Thanks for all the input. It's all helping and giving me things to think about xxx

Bubblegum78 Mon 17-Dec-12 21:58:12

Honestly, why do you want to make it work?

You don't love him anymore. You can't just get that back by looking at photos and reminicing? It doesn't work like that.

And why does he need to get a nanny? Would you not take your kids with you? If not, why not?

This isn't just about you, it's about the kids growing up in a loveless marriage and yes, they will notice eventually.

What about him? You are wasting HIS life by staying.

You have already accepted the lack of feelings for him and you are asking us to tell you how to perform an impossible feat.

You are in love with your ex. That's the bottom line. I also agree he is not being honest with you, if he loved you he would say, leave your husband and come to me. He hasn't, this suggests he likes the excitement of seeing you on the sly but when you ask him to put his money where his mouth is he's off?

There is a slight chance that you are just infatuated and that if you put this to the back of your mind you may be able to rebuild your marriage, but it is a miniscule chance so I suggest you put a time limit on this, say, 1 year.

I also think you need to explain this to your husband.

Lastly, you need to spend LOTS more time with your husband to make this work, therefore he needs to alter his hours, you need to go out to dinner, have little holidays away just the 2 of you, even if it's for a weekend.

Put your ex to the back of your mind and start seeing your husband for who he is... a man.

Good luck. x

amothersplaceisinthewrong Mon 17-Dec-12 22:04:20

The OM does not want to be with you, so you need to stop dwelling on a fantasty life with him - he has ditched you. Does he have wife

Kahlua4me Mon 17-Dec-12 22:23:15

Perhaps you need to have some counselling alone before having marriage counselling.
It sounds like you have not properly dealt with the original split and that needs to be gone through before you can move on. Otherwise you will always be pining and thinking that relationship was better.
It sounds as though it may be a case of the grass being greener. After all it would have been easier then to be madly in love as no kids, in laws and mortgages to deal with. But you must have loved your dh enough to marry him so I wold try counselling to try to deal with all the roller coaster of feelings you are in.

4boyzmum Mon 17-Dec-12 22:42:23

I agree, counselling on your own would be a very good option. Definitely help you to see things more clearly and get your own thoughts and emotions in order before you can think about tackling your relationship. It could help to rationlise your relationship with OM too. Perhaps make you see it in a different, more logical light??
Like Kahlua says you loved your DH so much once that you married him. I don't agree that you have a miniscule chance of working thru this. You say you want it to work, well thats not the magic wand that will make it happen, but its a bloomin good place to start! Good luck OP, I wish you and your family all the luck in the world and hope that 2013, whether together or apart you will be happy and content.

jenny99 Mon 17-Dec-12 22:47:14

Thank you all.

I have been having counselling too on my own to try and stop what has been going on with the OM. No, he isn't married.

It just hadnt helped much.

I just want him out my system and my new year wish is for that and for whatever I did have with my husband to come back with bells on.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Mon 17-Dec-12 22:50:34

i suggested all sorts to my H to try and prove to him that the love was still there, just buried under day to day stress, but he didnt want to talk... we went on a lovely "date", had a great day out, then he accused me of putting more stress onto him and pushing him..... Basically we wanted different things. i wanted a marriage and he didnt.

Sorry if I seemed a bit harsh earlier, but having been on the other end of it.......

Somebody told my XH to sit down, hold my hand and just talk, just try and remember why we fell in love to start with, but sadly he was adament it was over, and that was mainly because his head was full of OW.

I second the comment above... get some counselling on your own, to work out your feelings for OM. Only then can you work out your feelings for your H, as while you think about OM, your H doesnt stand a chance.

Good Luck

jenny99 Mon 17-Dec-12 22:50:42

Totally still dwelling on the original relationship. I phoned him just before marrying OH. Definitely was in love with OH but in a different way. In a practical, I love you and we have the same ideals and want the same kind of life way. Not in the all consuming way I had with OM.

Definitely I am maybe thinking the grass is greener.

Midlife crisis?????

badinage Tue 18-Dec-12 00:43:55

I'd question your husband's reactions to this. Maybe he's had an affair or two himself? Maybe he's staying with you because he wants to keep the status quo?

I'm sure you'll say 'no' to those suggestions, just like you thought the OM really loved you and it was just guilt that stopped him being with you. Whereas, as everyone has said, once he met you he dropped you like a stone.

So I don't think either man loves you enough - and you certainly don't love or respect your husband. According to you, you never did love him enough either, so it's not a case of resurrecting what you once had. You married him knowing he was second best. I'm sure he knew that too. I expect he's someone who spent a lot of time at work?

Your husband has either got his own secrets (and intends having them in the future) which is why he's prepared to forgive so easily and put up with a sham marriage, or he's still in shock and the anger and self-preservation hasn't kicked in yet.

The best thing for both of you (and your children) is to separate. According to you, this marriage wasn't right in the first place and you've now dealt it the killer blow. Time to move on.

runningforme Tue 18-Dec-12 01:45:50

I am a sahm whose husband works away a lot, so I can understand the boredom and loneliness that creeps in. But you seem to have a good man in your dh. Him being able to forgive you and work on your marriage is anything but weakness. It must take so much for him to know how you feel and what you have done yet still want to make your marriage work. I see this as a sign of strength and commitment. I may see other attractive men, and there may be other men that have at times shown interest, but I know that despite the ups and downs of marriage, my DH and my children are worth me honoring my commitment. And I love them too much to risk what we have.

I think you need to do as another poster suggested and spend more time together as a couple. He needs to work fewer hours and you both need to find ways to be alone together so that you can get to know each other again. You also need to put this OM out of your mind. If he was half as interested in you as you are in him, he would not have run for the hills.

I don't agree with badinage that it is better for your children if you separate.... your husband loves you and you must, at the very least, care for him as the father of your children if nothing else. Separation/divorce and the ensuing bitterness/anger/hurt/betrayal plus the kids having to adjust is not something to be taken lightly or entered into when everything is still so emotionally fraught. Why must his forgiveness mean that he has secrets of his own? Maybe he does genuinely love you and sees the bigger picture. That your marriage and your family is worth fighting for.

Take some time to let the dust settle. Write a list of everything you love/like/respect about your husband and keep it as a reminder of all the good things. If you make a serious commitment to your marriage, it will revive. But only if you give it your all. And FORGET ABOUT OM! He is the one you should lose respect for, getting involved with a married woman and risking her children's emotional stability and security and their family life.

Oh, and YOU must be able to forgive yourself too. Good luck

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