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Relationships

Getting back the passion after an affair...

105 replies

jenny99 · 03/02/2013 11:59

Last night my husband and I kissed for the first time since May. I have had (and admitted to) having an affair and we are both working on rebuilding our marriage.

He feels that sex is an important part of it yet I feel not ready for that yet and feel as tho that will be 'the icing on the cake' when I know things will work out. I'm not trying to withhold it etc I just don't feel the urge or want to do it for the sake of it. We have discussed this and he also says he only wants me to do it if I am ready and want to do it.

We want to work things out yet just don't know yet whether it will be ok or not. things have been rocky for 1-2 yrs.

So it started out quite nice and tender and I was waiting to feel some passion. I didn't :(

I just wanted to feel his passion for me, his wanting me as he keeps saying how much he loves me and wants me. I know an affair is all about the thrill and excitement but I hoped that after abstinence with OH for so long there may have been a bit?!

Is this an indication it will never be ok again or will it grow as our relationship betters?

The sex was a bit boring for a long long time and will need to be addressed if we stay together but I don't think now is the right time. I tried many times to spice things up a bit over the last few years and he was happy how it was....

I can't tell him yet that it wasn't great. But I want to feel a bit of passion! Aargh. Not sure what I want to hear from anyone but maybe just want to get it off my chest.

Thank you for reading x

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badinage · 03/02/2013 17:26

I don't believe you when you say you don't fear the consequences. If your husband knew the truth, he might divorce you, go for 50-50 parenting so you'd only have your children half the time and wouldn't get as much child maintenance. I know you say you've got no financial worries (because he's worked his butt off) but that means he could afford a very good lawyer. Other than those consequences, he might tell your children you had an affair and would have left if the other man had wanted you to. He might meet someone else. All these are possible consequences if he knew the truth. And you really don't fear them? Or is it that you think he's such a good man he wouldn't do that to you?

I think when people say they 'don't want to know' about an affair, there are lots of reasons. Sometimes it's because they've got their own skeletons in the closet and they've worked out a life where they get their jollies on the side while hanging on to their assets, so it's not in their interests to rock the boat and divorce. Sometimes it's because they are in denial and believe that what they don't know can't harm them (which is never, ever true) and sometimes it's because they aren't very interested in sex and don't mind if it's discreetly contracted out.

How did you honestly think that a man with his hands over his ears and a woman who's keeping secrets and still thinking about the sex with another man, was going to reignite the passion? You'll never get that back until you start telling eachother the truth.

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VanderElsken · 03/02/2013 17:32

daffs, do you think you would still be with your husband and have a change at happiness if you hadn't had the affair? Is that why you regret the affair?

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jenny99 · 03/02/2013 17:50

He doesn't want to know. He is not a generally emotional person and has trouble expressing his feelings. He is an accountant. He deals with facts and data not feelings. He is sweeping it aside and concentrating on 'what now' and that is all there is to it.

I wish he was more emotional.

I don't want to still have feelings for the OM. It has been killing me inside. I want to forget about him and I want to be madly in love with my OH. I really truly do.

If we split and he is with someone else and has 50-50 custody of the kids and I therefore have less financial support etc I will accept that. I made my bed and I must lie in it.

I am telling him the truth completely about how I feel about him right now.

In some ways I feel I should walk away. I have told him that. And he says of that "you find it easier to walk away than to stay and fight. I want to stay and fight for this. Lets fight for it together. ". And that's what is guiding me. It would be easy to walk away. That's not to say divorce is easy. But easy to walk away from the mess I have made and start afresh. How amazing is it and how lucky am I that he wants to fight for this and make it better. I must try and make it work. I want to I really do. I want to get back the loving feelings for him. I hve had a few good days where I feel much warmer towards him. I just hope for more of those.

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Bobbybird40 · 03/02/2013 18:00

Hi OM, so what about my question above? You say you really want it to work. Cool. So if other man rung tomorrow and said he wanted to make a proper go of it, honestly, what would you do?

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badinage · 03/02/2013 18:00

He isn't fighting. He's in denial. Only he knows why.

You on the other hand know why you're not telling him, but you can't admit that to yourself, let alone us or him.

If you admitted to him that the other man finished with you and that if he hadn't, you would have left - it would leave you very vulnerable in his eyes talking about such a massive blow to your ego and your hurt feelings. It might even reduce you in his eyes more than the affair. These are additional consequences of you being honest. Plus, talking about it to your husband would stop you nursing the secrecy about what I suspect you still think was an ill-fated love affair, rather than a grubby little man who wanted you for sex and then left you in the lurch when he'd got it.

It's not 'amazing' that your husband wants to stay in this marriage with so little information about the affair. It's either a calculated judgement or it's foolish.

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AnyFucker · 03/02/2013 18:03

I am pretty sure I would no longer respect and therefore fancy someone I had betrayed, cuckolded, made a fool out of, was still lying to and had so easily rolled over and taken all that shit.

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jenny99 · 03/02/2013 18:08

bobby honestly I don't know. Right now I feel that I would be able to say no to him. It isn't simple too because he lives 5,000 miles away with his son. I think if I am honest with myself we couldn't have a future together. Our lives are too different. I don't see how it could work. I would like to be able to say no. My husband is fighting for me. The OM is not and hasn't. My husband deserves me to put everything in and try.


So are you suggesting that I sit down with my husband and say that I just feel I should tell him that the OM finished with me and if he hasn't I may have gone by now?

Surely that is now irrelevant seeing as I want to work on it and I want my husband to be my number one choice?

I really do want it to work. I know I made a mistake.

When I see my husband right now I do have feelings for him. I don't feel nothing. I just don't lust after him. Yet.

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VanderElsken · 03/02/2013 18:10

Denial is perfectly normal as a phase of dealing with trauma. He's very hurt and doesn't want to be more hurt by discovering details that would be painful to him. He might move from that position and start asking questions soon or he might never. Fundamentally the most important thing is will the OP commit solidly to a course of action and do everything in her power to facilitate it? If she won't or can't, then she should leave. Wanting to have feelings of passion bestowed upon her without doing the hard work to repair in her and the relationship what went wrong is naive and cruel.

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badinage · 03/02/2013 18:11

Yes you should tell him all that. You should also tell him that you 'honestly don't know' if you'd be able to say no to the OM if he changed his mind.

It's highly relevant to your husband's decisions about his life and the woman he's married to. You're only saying it's irrelevant because you don't want him to know all of it.

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jenny99 · 03/02/2013 18:20

All I know is that right now I am committed to making my marriage work. I have been spending more time with him. I have been trying to talk to him more and for us to be more engaged. I am trying to be more supportive to him in other things and to really be a 'good wife'. I am trying hard to plan nice things for us to do together.

I am hoping that if we can grow closer again that I will feel more attracted physically. I was once before. I want that again. I really do.

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Helltotheno · 03/02/2013 18:21

I want to forget about him and I want to be madly in love with my OH.

I would like to be able to say no.

OP you come across like someone who is literally clutching at straws. The whole tone of all your posts is this aspirational thing where you want things to work and they should work. Get real. The reality is you fancy someone else who, if he showed up on your doorstep and said he'd moved over for good, you'd be back in the sack with in two seconds flat.

Stop basing things on some utopia of how things should be. That's not how they are OP. Just start living an honest life! Tell your DH at a minimum that you aren't feeling it for him cos you're still feeling it for someone else. If that doesn't make him turf you out, I don't know what will

I think if you were to experience living on your own, things might change but right now, they're unlikely to.

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badinage · 03/02/2013 18:25

So you're not going to tell him then?

I think you are behaving in an incredibly cruel and selfish manner and I just hope your husband gets the strength to find out the truth so that he's making informed decisions.

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Bobbybird40 · 03/02/2013 18:30

Tbf to the OP, I strongly suspect he would remain with her anyway - he really does sound wet. On that basis, maybe telling him he is second choice would be just twisting the knife.

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GiveMeSomeSpace · 03/02/2013 18:30

jenny It's understandable that you don't respect your DH because he clearly has no respect for himself. Time and time again on these threads we hear about people being treating like shit and putting up with it. I can't get my head round it.

Please do the decent thing - do him a favour and be honest with him. Tell him straight that you still have feelings for the OM and that the marriage is over. You owe him that much.

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meditrina · 03/02/2013 18:32

If you have not completely cut out the OM from your life (so you deliberately turn your focus to something else and never let yourself think of him) it is unlikely you can do the right think in terms of your marriage. It's up to yo which you choose, but I cannot see a way ahead in which you hold OM in your heart and whilst expecting to mend your marriage.

If you are serious about reconciliation, you might want to consider reading this book or similar.

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AnyFucker · 03/02/2013 18:32

Maybe so, Bobby. But at least it would be in full knowledge of the facts, not just the ones OP has decided to tell him "for his own good"

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Dozer · 03/02/2013 18:37

Poor bloke.

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VanderElsken · 03/02/2013 18:38

I would respectfully differ on this point of revealing potentially hurtful information. Sorry if this is made clear further upthread but I think that only if the OH has another, dishonest perspective on how the affair ended should the OP tell the whole truth, because he's labouring under a misapprehension. Only the OP knows what her OH thinks and whether it's represented truthfully on this thread.

IF the OP has committed to making her marriage work WITHOUT some sort of behind the scenes time limit with the OM or continued contact with him, and her OH has not been lied to about the details of the affair and how it ended, there is no need to sit down and say, by the way I'd rather be with him than you. There are situations where I've been dumped by men who I would rather be than the next relationship I went into, it doesn't mean I should admit to that unless I was withdrawing from that relationship, hurting my partner and pining for the last one.

If the OP does everything and invests and WANTS to be with her DH rather than feeling that's what she should do, then I think she telling that now would seem deliberately destructive. But only she knows that. Something makes me feel some of the details here and representations are a little bit skewed or sanded round the edges, OP, sorry if that's unfair.

Wanting to make it work for him though is doomed to failure and kind of a cruel pressure.

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VanderElsken · 03/02/2013 18:39

'Wanting' it is empty. 'Doing' things, for him and for both of you, actively and courageously, will make the difference. You want passion? tell me what passionate things you plan to do in the next fortnight for your relationship? (you don't have to be too detailed!!)

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badinage · 03/02/2013 18:39

All this talk about men 'fighting' or 'not fighting' for you makes you sound like you think you're a princess standing aside watching a duel. Rather than a grown woman who got taken in by a shabby little man who lied to her, and is still lying to save her arse and her dignity......

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cjel · 03/02/2013 18:41

A wise woman once told me 'use it or lose it'. I thought it was insulting offensive and mad at the time, But she was right the first few times it was almost lie back and think of england but after a while we couldnt get enough!!

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Abitwobblynow · 03/02/2013 18:41

Jenny I remember telling you in a PM that OM was playing you. And he did, he played and used you horribly. He didn't care about you! He liked the chase.

I wonder if you shouldn't really be honest with yourself about this? To really feel this humiliatation and disrespect, so that the starry luuuuuuurve and sex gets put into a more realistic light?

The reason I say this is not to humiliate or diss you, but so that you can see that what the magic of the affair was was NOT him, but by how he made you FEEL.

And this, is what you long for in your H? I really get your loneliness and how you have had to suffer in his tightly controlled emotional world, keeping you at a distance.

Getting to him: I think he does need to hear this stuff, he does need to be required to realise that actually, emotions DO matter and hurt happens for a reason.

It just seems to me you have got back into the same dance and he has battened down the hatches even harder.

[So have we, even worse, so not pointing fingers here].

But you need to be a bit more realistic about OM. It's not HIM, it's YOU. Thanks

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Abitwobblynow · 03/02/2013 18:45

And Worcestershiresauce's thread was lovely [sob]. It covers all the salient points does it not!

Did that openness happen in your reconciliation, WS?

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cjel · 03/02/2013 18:59

Just read all this and dont agree at all that it is helpful or good in any way to tell DH details he doesn't want to know. One minute she is being told how awful she is being for not being thoughtful enough to hubby and the next being told off for doing what he wants. Give her a break HE DOESNT WANT TO KNOW. It might be for all the wrong reasons but ITS HIS CHOICE, he has a lot to come to terms with himself and if they are going to counselling, may change his mind but then that will be his choice for then, Now he doesn't want to know!!

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LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 03/02/2013 19:00

I think you just don't want to have the responsibility of being the person who calls time on your marriage.

Coward.

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