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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
WingDefence · 01/02/2013 19:25

Sodding hell waves Shock And that's not just at your H's "trousers" comment (which sounds somehow like a threat to me) but that bloody text from the OW.

So, so sad for you. But this pregnancy will be better than the others because you already have two amazing DCs who think the world of you and who will be there for you, just as you've been there for them. Obviously they won't give you the sort of help and support your DM and friends can give you, but I'm sure their unconditional love will give you strength throughout this. Thanks

tribpot · 01/02/2013 19:32

I cannot believe the cheek of this fucker. "Who wears the trousers", is he having a bloody larf?

please don't be swayed by misplaced guilt about him caring for your dc, he's their step-father. Get well soon.

wordyBird · 01/02/2013 19:45

Oh waves. Flowers

I want to echo what Tiggy114 said re legal advice, and whosthis:
but if you have one.or two trusted friends, IT IS THE TIME TO LET.THEM HELP YOU THROUGH
... Yes, please call on your Mum and ANYONE who can help you.

You must get this sociopath out of your life as fast as you can. Let people help, you don't have to do this alone.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 01/02/2013 20:08

Hi, I am out of hospital - DD was in floods of tears at the prospect of me having to stay in and so I begged convinced the nurses to call my consultant who agreed to discharge me on the condition I get straight back if I have as much vomiting and start to get dehydrated.

Mum is back tomorrow lunchtime, and set to help with the DCs and I am going to be brave and ask some other people for help. I'm not the sort of person who does that - I am usually the helper so in itself, that will be a challenge.

I heed the legal advice and won't be moving out. I'm not really in any state to do so and it wouldn't be fair to disrupt the DCs further. I'll also have to speak to the midwives about screening - how hideous would it be if I have been given a disease as well as all this heartache? Only way to get rid of that worry is to find out, so I will get on with organising that Sad

pendipity of course, a tiny part of me wants to give things another go. This is after all the man I fell completely in love with me, became my best friend and with whom I wanted to bring a baby into the world. But he has completely frozen my heart, and even since discovering what he has been up to, he has made no real effort to salvage things, or redeem himself. All he has done is try to play power games.

So, the reason I need handholding is that there is a part of me that wants to wake up from this nightmare and to go back to my happy ever after life. But it is not a nightmare, it is real life, and I need to stay strong, remain resolved, and keep myself, my DCs and the baby healthy. DD is in bed, and sending DS up now (avoiding stairs as much as possible) and then I am off to try to sleep some more!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 01/02/2013 20:18

Can I be a bitch? Just for a minute?

I am sure that your STI tests will come back clear, and when they do I would be inclined to text BOTH of them and tell them that thanks to them you have a nice case of (insert STI of choice here, preferably one with nasty tests involved) and that they need to get checked out.

And then when they have been, tell them that "oh, I had a letter apologising that they had my results mixed up with someone with the same name as me, so you didnt need to go at all!".

Now, non bitch head on.

Take care of yourself, allow anyone who will help to help and be kind to yourself. You didnt do anything wrong and you have every right to ask for what you need.

Whereabouts are you? I am near Derby and if I can help, then let me know even if its just for a chat. I have a brand spanking new washing machine, so am happy to help with laundry if you need it! :)

SlatternismyMiddlename · 01/02/2013 20:23

I just wanted to delurk to say that I cannot believe how strong and resilient you are being in the face of such adversity.

Please look after yourself, mini waves and your DCs. Everything else will get sorted out in time.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/02/2013 20:39

Think you are a lot further south than Dorset etc but please don't be embarrassed to ask for help from friends. You would do all you could for friends in similar circumstances if they called in favours.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/02/2013 20:47

Derby not Dorset.

tiredteddy · 01/02/2013 21:02

So glad you ate out. Hold your dc close. They love you and your baby you are a family together regardless of what's happening. They will comfort you and you them. Your mum is nearly back. Talk ti your friends let people help. It gets easier to ask once you've asked the first one. Do go straight back to hospital if you get so I'll again. Sleep well x

Undertone · 01/02/2013 21:05

God. That text from the OW. I imagine you felt more than 'meh' about it. Don't be angry at her though - pity her. Stay focused on being angry at that festering cockstapler. He did this.

I know it wouldn't be a sensible thing to do but if the need arises I would happily be part of a picket line camped on your front lawn to jeer and pickle him every time he slimed his way through the front door.

I would wave a big sign i made and everything. It would say "you are shit" or maybe "every woman in the universe except for that messed up skank thinks you are revolting and hates you" but that's quite long.

Undertone · 01/02/2013 21:07

Pickle? HECKLE that was meant to be.

Could pickle him though. And keep him on display in the Natural History Museum as "total belming dickwad" exhibit A.

Bogeyface · 01/02/2013 21:11

but that's quite long.

That really made me laugh!

Can I join the picket line?

Undertone · 01/02/2013 21:23

Only if you make a sign!

Shellylou82 · 01/02/2013 21:23

Me too, I'll join. can I bring the kids though? still sending lots of positive thoughts waves xxx

WingDefence · 01/02/2013 21:32

I'd be up for pickling the git as well Angry

Soooo glad you're out waves. Please take care of yourself my dear.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 01/02/2013 21:35

I'll join too and pelt, dirty nappies at him when he walks past.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 01/02/2013 21:36

waves if you want to say where you are, or which county I am sure there are some locals who will happily help you out.

Glad you are out of hospital, stay well.

And I will join the picket line and contact his DM your MIL to tell her what a pathetic piece of shit she has reared!

GaryBuseysTeeth · 01/02/2013 21:43

Glad they've let you out waves, hope you're not going to be back in there anytime soon, have they written all over your notes about the relationship state & that you might want extra support?

Hope having your Mum home tomorrow helps, have a peaceful weekend.
xx

whosthis · 01/02/2013 22:22

waves , there are lots of emotion there and more would come. But try to put things under control, including how much emotionally you are prepared to put in. It's not easy to control, but one thing perhaps is worth keeping in mind: Don't let the negative thoughts consume you and please keep in mind things will be sorted out.

Have a good sleep tonight.

CoolaSchmoola · 01/02/2013 22:22

My sign in my right hand would say:

"A beautiful strong PREGNANT woman and a selfish CHEATING bastard live here"

and the sign in my right hand would say:

"Honk if you think the cock lodger should leave!"

Then I would get everyone I know to drive past whilst honking like a flock of geese. Public censure always seems to matter to arrogant bastards.

As for "What would you do without me?" - "Live a happy, peaceful life that doesn't include a selfish, cheating twat. Bye!"

Jux · 02/02/2013 02:02

Honk honk!

I'll stand on the corner with another sign exhorting people to honk, or selling rotten veg to be thrown at him until he goes off with his little floozy.

Who wears the bloody trousers, indeed. Only arsewipes use that phrase.

Have you a bell which you can ring when you need something? I recommend every half hour. When he gets there, you may find you are so tired that you can't remember what it is you wanted, but you think you'll just have a doze now, can you plump my pillows MrTotalTwunt? Tell him you can't wait to tell your mum how wonderfully he's looking after you, and then run him ragged.

Jux · 02/02/2013 02:06

Actually, every 15 minutes is kinder to him, as he won't really have time to sit down and relax in between. It will also help him lose weight and strengthen his leg muscles. Which he will need when the MN Coven arrive on your doorstep with placards, veg and very loud voices.

I sometimes wish we still had stocks in town squares. So much fun to be had!

Hesterton · 02/02/2013 05:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abitwobblynow · 02/02/2013 06:25

Reply to OW:

'that is too beautiful. When are you going to get him out of my house?'

AThingInYourLife · 02/02/2013 07:55

"since discovering what he has been up to, he has made no real effort to salvage things, or redeem himself. All he has done is try to play power games."

No, he was already playing power games - that's how you found out about the cheating and the late abortion research.

Read your OP again in the light of what you know now.

"If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen."

What the "plan to improve things"?

What hoops was he asking you to jump through to keep him there?

He didn't wait long after you got pregnant to start using your increased vulnerability to attempt to control and bully you.

I suspect he researched the late abortions because he imagined throwing that idea into the mix in a few weeks would ratchet up your upset and confusion.

But he wants you pregnant - he thinks he has you over a barrel now.

Stupid fucker totally underestimated you.

He thought your previous shitty treatment meant you would put up with more shit from him.

That you are so unwell and so strong at the same time is as surprising to him as it is impressive to us.

Keep going, wavesand :)

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