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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 02/02/2013 08:13

Well he did wear the trousers, until he decided to take them off in the wrong house.

Alternative text response to OW: "Good luck with that, because he's all yours now".

tiredteddy · 02/02/2013 09:17

How were things at home last night waves did he go out? Sleep on the sofa? I hope you got dome rest and your dc are reassured to have you back.

Midwife99 · 02/02/2013 09:18

I am a latecomer to this thread but also want to offer my support & also reassure you that your community midwife will be keen to do all she can to help. Also that can I suggest you read Chocoraisin's threads? She was in the same position as you this time last year & is an inspiration to us all.
4 years ago I was pg with a planned baby with my new husband & we both had previous DCs. He didn't have an affair but was texting his married cousin who he had had a fling with before we met & she was encouraging him to leave me. He was regularly saying it was all a mistake & he didn't love me & then doing a u turn. It was a nightmare for the next 3 years & we separated last spring. We spent 3 months apart & he has spent the last 6 months after realising what he wants slowly rebuilding our relationship. We still live apart but there is a future. However, he needed that time away so realise what he wants & so I now wish I had been as strong as you & sent him on his way when he started messing me about. If you waver now he will do what my H did & keep you on tenterhooks & feeling insecure for years. It was exhausting. Don't whatever you do let him be in a position where he "wears the trousers" & give up your job. You need to be independent & not reliant on him.

whosthis · 02/02/2013 09:21

It comes up to me that perhaps playing a small game can help to remove this man ftom the house.

Stick to the plan with H, making it clear that it's the end of this relationship and you want him out. But you might want to inform that OW the other version of what's going to happen: Tell her you and H decided to give it another go and for the sake of the baby you accepted the apologies from H and would stay together. And you still love him and blah blah.

The trick is, imagine what that man would otherwise say to that OW? He would say, you are splitting but to secure the financial side of his interest he has to play a game with you and stay in with you for a while.

If that OW is jealous enough to not trust what he says and doubt his commitment to her, she might give him trouble and urge him to leave the house as quickly as possible.

lalalonglegs · 02/02/2013 10:47

Hi waves - I hope being home hasn't been too stressful and you have managed to rest. I would recommend not playing games or engaging with the OW but simply making it perfectly clear to H that the marriage is over and you expect him to move out. Get your mum around there as much as possible to make the atmosphere completely hostile towards him, have friends popping around often too and, when you have recovered physically, go and see a solicitor to find out if there is a way of having him removed.

Good luck.

Midwife99 · 02/02/2013 10:58

I also advise against game playing. Just rise above the twunts & be a good mum & you will get through this

wavesandsmiles · 02/02/2013 12:27

Hi, I'm curled up in my own bed which is lovely. My cat is snuggled up with me which is cosy. I'm not going to engage at all with OW. She is not remotely the sort of person I want to be involved with or waste any time on at all. Much as I may get some brief pleasure from game playin or mind fuckery, in all honesty I want to rise above it and save my energy for getting through this horrible hyperemesis and them for working towards a practical resolution with a solicitor.

Am quite convinced that the twunt is just playing games. All the threats about leaving have just been his twisted way to break me. Which is disgraceful, given how vulnerable I am.

I shall definitely be having my mum, friends, family round lots and lots though, it will help me and the DCs and also make the twunt feel like he has less of a hold on me (and hopefully bloody uncomfortable too)

All the comments re picket lines really made me laugh, so thanks to everyone for the practical advice, and also for making me smile.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/02/2013 12:40

Great positive attitude waves nice to think of you smiling. Take it easy.

Midwife99 · 02/02/2013 13:00

Any man who wants to "break" a pregnant woman deserves nothing. I am happy to send you my copy of "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry & controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. It shows you how they reel you in & then once you are in a vulnerable position revert to type.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 02/02/2013 13:42

Of course he is playing games. The first game was 'happy families' the second game was 'lets make a baby' the last game was 'not sure about baby' then he moved on, chatted up some OW and told you to 'be the little woman again'

He wants his cake and to eat it too. But you are stronger than he thinks, so good for you!

whosthis · 02/02/2013 14:15

Sorry waves , I should have know to be engaged in any game is only undermine you. Sorry, just a silly thought because I am so eager to help you get that man out of your house!

But you are so brilliant: to have your mum, friends, family round would do the job! I would imagine he would be ashamed to even find a place to stand. (as a normal approach...)

Please feel relaxed and enjoy the DCs around you. Focus on yourself and them right now!

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 02/02/2013 14:38

How long had you been together op. It must be such a shock to have the man suddenly turn out to be so different to how you fault.

With hindsight do you think there were signs that he was so morally void? Just interested.

Its amazing that he can act as though he has done nothing wrong despite the fact that he's been clearly shagging someone else. Does he even admit it? Or said sorry? Or explained why? Or said its over? Or anything?

Angry
Jux · 02/02/2013 14:51

Game playing will generally come back to bite you, particularly with a seasoned player as an opponent.

Keep your integrity.

May I suggest you have no further contact with OW? That too, is a dangerous path to tread, and you have no idea how anything you say to her may be used against you in the future. You cannot trust him now, his actions, his words, nothing can be taken at face value.

Use the people around you for support, and any agencies available - midwife is right, these people are there to help you. Accept help and support from everyone you trust, and ignore those you don't. Let off steam here too, we are all here to help you.

Ormiriathomimus · 02/02/2013 15:09

Wanky, sodding tosspot, twating wanky git!!! Angry

HTH

photoretoucher · 02/02/2013 15:39

Ormiria put it so well, above.

You're like a lioness all of a sudden, protecting all of your cubs. I know it doesn't feel like it now...........but you'll be OK, more than OK.

Best of luck you brave OP x

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 02/02/2013 16:55

He is a hateful little shit.

Glad to hear you are back in your own bed.

Hope you are with your mum now too.

Once again, he is a hateful little shit.

Thanks
Jux · 02/02/2013 19:17

Sorry, waves, my post was following on from lala's and midwife's, and I should have refreshed before I posted. So unnecessary stuff.

I would still love to join the picket.

Hoping you're feeling better with your mum about, and she is doing the cat's bum mouth at h a lot, and making him feel nicely uncomfortable and ashamed (though he's more likely to feel aggreived).

Stay yourself, believe in yourself, you are a warrior! Love yourself and your children. The best revenge is to live a good life.

Hope the sickness passes soon; I'm told ginger is good and also arrowroot biscuits.

Midwife99 · 02/02/2013 19:33

Yes ginger biscuits, grapefruit oil to sniff on a tissue & regular plain carbs should help. Even if you feel sick force little nibbles in because a drop in blood sugar will make you vomit more. Crunching ice chips helps keep your fluids up & will irritate the hell out if the man child which is a bonus!!!

GoSuckEggs · 02/02/2013 20:19

I think Bogeyface has a good idea regarding STI prank! that would make his balls shrivel!

he is a totally fucking bastard, you are a very strong and brilliant woman.

wavesandsmiles · 02/02/2013 20:34

He is a total bastard, and I must not forget that although apparently I am:

an ungrateful bitch
a class 1 arsehole

This is because he turned up at lunchtime without the presciption for my antiemetics, but with a bunch of cheap, ugly supermarket flowers that he flung on my bed. I threw them in the bin. He came back hours later (finally with my meds) and asked why the flowers were in the bin. I told him that if he was trying to make up for his behaviour, that a bunch of cheap flowers was not the best way to start. His response: I am lucky to have had anything given how I spoke to him yesterday (this was by text when I told him he was a tosser because he was planning on going on a night out, leaving me in sole care of my DCs following hospital)

This afternoon has been hell. He called me those names in front of DSS1 - great example to be setting! I want him out so much.

I think I am still in a bit of a state of shock though really. There was a thread, I think in relationships a few months back along the lines of 10 reasons why you love your DH. I posted on it, and someone commented on how my post had given them hope in finding their happy ending. It has gone from us being married in July, and him having shoes sent to my work, bunches of flowers, a romantic weekend in London, a crazy display of romance with him standing outside my work holding up a poem he wrote on big bits of card....to this.

He refuses to acknowledge he has done anything wrong, all he has grudgingly apologised for is upsetting me, well, not even that, he has apologised that I have been upset by what I discovered. It is a totally different thing, right? And he still goes on about me being out of order for snooping. I want to roar, but I fear I may vomit if I do!

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 02/02/2013 20:45

Fucking roar waves, otherwise i'll come and do it, right in that evil, narcisstic twunts face.

cooper44 · 02/02/2013 21:12

Oh my god the flowers! Why do they do that?! And cheap flowers too - even worse!
From your last post waves it sounds like he is one of those people - don't know the technical term - who loves all the romance and hysteria when you first meet/marry/whatever but then when reality strike they can't cope?
You really have to get legal advice from a really good family solicitor as soon as you are well enough.
I was told to just change the locks - but not sure of the legality of that. You need him out of your face especially if he is being so disgustingly rude to you.
Can I just say one thing - when he is gone and you have your baby it is going to be such a gorgeous bolt of love. It sounds like the worst possible scenario this happening when you are pregnant but having gone through it, the baby has actually been like the most amazing therapy ever.

mathsconundrum · 03/02/2013 00:04

You haven't a hope in hell of getting him to say he's wrong. If he knew he was wrong he wouldn't continue the way he is.

AThingInYourLife · 03/02/2013 00:46

"a crazy display of romance with him standing outside my work holding up a poem he wrote on big bits of card....to this."

That was your red flag, right there.

whosthis · 03/02/2013 00:57

Can't believe it... This guy isn't worth your wasting one more second on... Find a lawyer, a very good one. Form a fence with the help from your mum and your friends.

Be careful though. I dont know what he is capable of doing if he really wants something...

If he turns violent, call 999 the first thing and make it big. Smells really rotten!