So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

Hello waves hope the doctors are helping and you are getting better.

Hi Waves, how are you?

Just come across this thread and I very much hope you are getting better.

Sometimes I think that the Relationships section should have an annual 'Colossal Bastard of the Year' award - and in this case I think your H would already have it sewn up for 2013.

You sound fantastic and your children are very lucky to have you as a mum.

Hi everyone, sorry for the period of radio silence. I'm still in hospital, although off the drip on a trial basis. Really, really hoping to be allowed out this evening as my DCs are missing me so much, and I am missing them too

It is making everything hideously confused in terms of the notsoDH situation. He has been looking after the children, and took yesterday off work and came and sat with me all day. I felt awkward. I again said, I meant what I said about you needing to leave, especially as you have shown no remorse or understanding that your actions were in any wrong. He said "but I apologised for upsetting you" He also said, "oh waves of course we aren't splitting up, we are staying together. You need to remember who wears the trousers in this relationship". Even started talking about when a few credit cards and loans are paid off we can afford for me to quit my job and just do my teaching and performing and then I can stay at home with the baby.

See, he hasn't apologised for what he DID, he has made it about MY feelings, and is, reading between the lines, suggesting I have overreacted. He thinks he has done no wrong. And then comes out with lines about wearing the trousers, and me giving up my job. He is trying to take the power back I think.

Later in the evening he called and said "what would you do without me". Today he has made it easier for me to avoid the "wavering" as he texted to check I was coming out as he has a works do (free drinks type thing). I am cross about this because:

(a) before I was hospitalised I was meant to be playing a gig tonight, and he was going to stay in with the DCs whilst I was doing that, so wasn't going anyway
(b) I only cancelled the gig yesterday when it became clear I wasn't going to be well enough
(c) if he actually wanted to make amends, wouldn't a DECENT man be wanting to be at home with his wife, and making sure she was looked after rather than going out on the piss?

Red flags everywhere. Not that I need anymore. And part of the reason I think it was so easy to make my mind up, is that he has been acting in such a mean, and distant fashion for months now, and has not once become excited, really excited about the baby, that I have, maybe subconsciously, been coming to the decision that he needs to leave for some time.

Anyway, I am NOT going to become waversandsmiles I am going to remain waves. Mum is back tomorrow, and is really keen to help. He still maintains that he is not moving out, and so maybe I will have to. I am going to be off work for a few weeks, and will take the time, as soon as I feel strong enough, to get legal advice on what happens if I move out.

I am sad, really, really sad. He knows my past, and what happened with exH. He knew my 2 previous pregnancies were so unhappy because of exH's behaviour, and when we started ttc he promised that this would be such a happy time, and our chance to bring a child into a really happy family. He was a big liar.

Oh, and the one thing I did, after a suggestion WAY upthread, back on Tuesday night, was text OW, I asked for no reply, just said I was the wife, and that I thought her texting in such a way, and encouraging it all was completely inappropriate, given I am 14 weeks pg, and that I had asked him to leave following discovering those exchanges, and the late abortion research. I got a hideous text back, in which I was told I was inappropriate for texting intimate relationship details, and that if I was trying to warn her he "was a wanker, well guess what, I already know, and I still love him to bits"

So, that just left me feeling totally meh.

Gah, I am fed up, stuck on my own in hospital, desperate to get home but also dreading going home and trying to find the strength to sort this out, and work out quickly what the living arrangements will be.

I know I need to stop engaging with him, it is hurting me. But I am ill, and full of hormones, and I don't have a pad of paper here so I can't start writing everything down. He is a bad, cruel man. Repeat ad infinitum.

Sorry, that was an essay rather than an update. Hand holding still needed....

What a hero he is either a massive back pedal or pure theatre for anyone looking in.

OW sounds a peach too.

I don't see why you and DCs should move out of your home to accommodate him and her. So glad your mum is coming to help out.

Waves I am very impressed with how strong you are being. It sounds as though your DH is not at all pleased that you are taking control of your life.

"You need to remember who wears the trousers in this relationship". Even started talking about when a few credit cards and loans are paid off we can afford for me to quit my job and just do my teaching and performing and then I can stay at home with the baby."

Jesus

Thank god you see that for the abusers power grab it is.

What a twunt he repeatedly shows himself to be!! Still holding your hand here

Who wears the trousers in the relationship? FFS what a total knob jockey!

He sounds worried tbh. Worried that you have more power and control over this situation than he does. He's right to be worried. You being strong and not begging him to stay is probably unnerving him too.

Does he know that you texted his ow? They sound made for each other. Neither have morals and both feel outrage when they're caught out. How dare she tell you your text was inappropriate? She sounds rather stupid if she genuinely knows what he likes yet still wants him.

Hand holding from here too. So glad you are feeling better and all well with baby.

Don't move out. You said that is your forever home, for you and your DC's. Once you are back there and on your feet and living in it as if he has gone (no cooking / washing etc etc) he will soon realise he can't bamboozle you back into his plans (which seem to have changed pretty quickly since just last week ). He has an OW waiting in the wings, he'll head off when he gets the picture.

I am astounded by his cheek!

He is a Barse not an arse, its worse than that.

holding your hand.

I'm with the 'don't move out, make him do it' crowd.

waves, you're amazing. And I hope you know any of us would IRL hand-hold if we were there.

Look after yourself and keep us posted!

Good lord what an absolutely awful man this is. The sense of entitlement is just staggering.

I do hope you will feel strong enough soon to say that of course you won't be staying with him and of course he must leave.

The text exchange with the OW proves that this is very much an ongoing affair. This may have been covered upthread, but have you asked the hospital to give you some sexual screening tests so that you and the baby are able to be treated if an infection is detected? This is very important.

He maintains he is not moving out - so he drops a bomb on you, and his OW is skulking around and he has the brass neck to try and brazen things out. If you only bought the house last October and were ttc it seems very fast for things to have gone downhill. He must have either already been fooling around or thinking about it. I'm sorry. I do agree with good advice to ask for a health check in case he has passed something on to you.

Are you sure you don't want to give things another go ?

Holding your hands~

I can't believe a woman would reply with such a text msg. Basically, they probably deserve each other. But this would really help you see him clearer as well. Who knows how he pictured you in front of this OW and perhaps more somewhere else...

Seek more help from you mum please, less from him. I understand it's quite a personal thing, but if you have one.or two trusted friends, IT IS THE TIME TO LET.THEM HELP YOU THROUGH , especially the parts to handle in real life. Some extra hands, some support and some ideas.

You will go through it, but please don't keep everything on your shoulder. It needs to be done nicely, as extra fewer troubles as possible.

Hold your hands - Please be strong.

Holy Christmas waves "you need to remember who wears the trousers" has he completely lost the plot???

Agree with the pp who said he sounds worried...and worry crossed with arrogance isn't looking like such a hot combination is it? Stay strong waves and keep control, you're doing brilliantly. So glad your mum will be back tomorrow to offer support. If only you were near me, I'd be there in a flash to help of could and to give nobhead a slap

Really hope you get to go home to your DCs tonight x

By the way, please keep the text message from that OW, good evidence!

Just to add, please don't move out till you've spoken to a solicitor. My friend is in a similar situation and has been advised to not move out of the marital home or she'll lose alot of rights to her share of the house and possesions in it. Ut's terrible coz he won't leave and is sleeping on the sofa. But solicitor said she must not move out. Stick it out till the assets are decided in court or wherever they do it. So please seek legal advice asap. Friends hubby tried to say they could work it out and keep her hanging on. What he was realky doing was pretending to sort things to keep her happy whilst he saw a solicitor behind her back to try and get possesions and savings into his dads name so she couldn't get to them. Even though you're stressed and sad at the moment, don't let your oh play this trick on you. Seek legal advice as soon as your well enough.

pendipity you're joking, right?!

I've just sent you a message, hope you don't mind.

"What would you do without me?"

Please please say to him "Let's find out shall we?" with a devilish wink he won't be expecting

He's some prize feckin eejit...

I've been reading since you first posted but nothing useful to add. Just adding my name to the very long list of Waves cheerleaders. Go on that woman!

OW is a classic example of someone who thinks they can change someone 'just by loving them enough'. They deserve each other

Tiggy That sounds horrible to your friend. But yes, i wouldn't be surprised if that's what waves' H trying to do at the moment. It is too much an attitude change from the other day or even the past few months!

You have a long and happy future ahead of him, twunt free.

OW needs to be VERY careful what she wishes for.

Detach lovely waves, bin the pair of them, tell him you're not being discharged, so he has to cancel his evening, and do what suits you, when it suits you.

If he says about you lying to him about the discharge, say to him that you thought that the relationship is now all based on lies, so what does it matter what lies you tell him...

If he doesn't like it... He can Fuck off to th far side of scummy Fuck. He'll know he's there when he sees the OW.

Horrified at his behaviour.

I would really like him and OW to read this thread so i can tell them

I hope he gets a severe and permanent bout of Cock Rot.
I hope she falls to down to earth on her nasty behind, because she will one day.