So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

I don't feel particularly strong, and people saying I am makes me feel like a fraud. I am so so scared about bringing this baby into the world alone, about long term things and even the fact that I have a heap of legal and financial matters to confront.

Tears just suddenly start rolling out of my eyes. I feel so sad.

Morning waves, I can hold your hand for a while if you wish?
I'm sure you will do fabulously, but I understand you are scared. I'm a worrier and do often panic about the future. Pregnancy makes this worse, even with a supporting partner, let alone without. Look after yourself. I'm very glad your mum is coming back on Saturday. You definitely deserve some tlc.

Being scared and tearful and being strong aren't mutually exclusive waves. Strong is standing up to DH despite being scared. Strong is protecting your DCs despite being scared. Strong is standing by your guns to kick him to the kerb no matter how much it hurts cos you know it's the right thing to do. You may not feel it, but you are strong - have faith in yourself and cut yourself a little slack

waves of course you feel sad that us natural. I think we all feel your brave because you are saying out loud to you DH what needs to be said and not backing down. Hope you feel a bit better in the morning.

Waves I have just read the whole thing, so sad for you. Scuba is right - go easy on yourself. Read some of your previous posts and see how incredibly strong you have been through this, holding it all together, despite practically running on empty. Hardly surprising you are in hospital - I'm just pleased you're getting the care you need.

Won't be long now until your mum is back.

Hey waves! Good morning to you, sorry you're feeling so sad. Hospitals aren't the cheeriest places to wake up, so you'll probably feel better once you get home.

I know you are scared about bringing this baby into the world alone, but you can only do one step at a time, and you have spoken to your h now, so that's one step done!

Try to go easy on yourself. Hope you feel better soon. And hope seeing you in hospital made your h feel like a heel.

Oh my goodness waves I've only just come across this thread and am speechless that your "d"h could do this. In fact the more I think about it the more I'm actually, genuinely LIVID on your behalf

You've had lots of brilliant advice already so I don't have anything practical to add right now but just wanted to offer support, hugs and handholding for you from another familiar face.

Oh and one other thing - you are fucking amazing, and don't you DARE let anyone (including yourself) tell you otherwise. Look after you, your baby and your DCs, and that is all!

Good morning Waves. I'm imagining you waking up this morning in your hospital bed, and although we've not "met" before I just wish I wad there with you at your bedside to offer you a huge un-mumsnetty hug.

I've just read all of your thread with tears in my eyes. It's not often I'm moved to make contact like this but I just want to add my name to the gang of supporters who will be cheering you on.

If you're dehydration and low blood sugar, they could be signs of some inadvertent srlf-neglect (which is entirely in keeping with your awful circumstances and all that you've got on your plate). You sound like a real "coper" but I think it's come to a crunchpoint now, where things can't go on as they are and you'll now hopefully get the help and support you need.

It doesn't have to be your GP who signs you off, the ward doctor can provide a sick cert. You must be very honest either everyone about all you're having to contend with, and stop putting on a brave face. No health professional or decent manager in their right mind would expect a poorly pregnant woman with 2 dcs, a recent hospitalisation and marital breakdown to continue going in to work. Noone.

I work with very acutely unwell people, who have become that way due to an overload of stressors and to much "coping".

Whatever happens, give yourself a rest now, before you end up in that kind of scenario.

You sound lovely and amazing. You'll be ok. I promise. But just be very kind to yourself right now.

Not long now until your DM comes to look after you. Sending you all my love and hugs

Apologies for all of the typos...am on my phone with a very noisy DS in background and for some reason can't view what Im typing.

I hope my message was vaguely legible and made sense, in spite of the gibberish

Morning waves.

"Strong is standing up to DH despite being scared. Strong is protecting your DCs despite being scared."
this.

You're going to go through stages of grief for your relationship, sadness, anger, righteous ROARING, happiness (yes I'm sure) and everything in between. And that's without being pregnant and the hormones going crazy.

I hope the consultant gives you some good news and baby is okay too

XXXX

Morning Waves,

Hope you are feeling s little more settled this morning,

I just wanted to pop in to say just take one thing at a time, your health and the baby and your children are whats important, hopefully this will have shaken him to back off of you a bit, if only it making him look like an even bigger shit than he already is.

i wouldnt make any huge decisions until you have too, wait for your mum to get back, and ill assume she will come back swinging for him. Gather all those who can and will support you around, and if poss let them take the strain for a while.

When you feel more up to it, make a plan of action and only deal with what is most urgent.

Rest up Waves, were all rooting for you x

Morning Waves,

I just wanted to say that I've just read the full post, and you are being amazingly strong. I don't have anything further to add than all the wise words others have spoken, but just remember that you're doing the right thing. Loads of people are rooting for you. I'm sure the hospital doctor could sign you off work, and I would make sure that they do so. You need to eat, drink, & sleep. That's what matters at the moment, never mind work. Take care of yourself. x

Chin up Waves. How are you feeling today? Have the extra fluids perked you up?

Emotional stress has a huge impact on your health without factoring in a pregnancy too. Your DH has said the most cruel and abusive thing he possibly could in your condition. I cannot find words to express just how wicked he is.

Many couples (or individual partners) find themselves having a not entirely wished for pregnancy, and they just get on with it, offer mutual support and love and prepare to welcome a new life into a loving home. He has only said hurtful words, withdrawn support and left the marriage when you are at an extremely vulnerable point in your life. He is low, very very low.

Things will work out for you. All will be well and all manner of things will be well.

Good afternoon Waves hoping you are better today, let the tears come and get it all out. Very glad your Mum will be home at the weekend.

Hi waves , please focus on the present.moment first. Get your health back on track. I trust you are a very intelligent woman and you know you.need have a list of plan but only organised by a timelime. It's an extremely unpleasant situation and not many can deal with it. But you will, only steps by steps. It will take time, but you know at the end.of the page of this plan, you will see hope and regain confidence for future again.

Now, you get yourself healthy and physically strong again, that's Step 1.

We and yourself know you can make it.and you have to, for your DCs and for yourself. Hugs~

I'm late coming to this and I don't have anything useful to add to what's already been said, but couldn't just click off the thread. Waves I think you've acted with an incredible amount of integrity, honesty and resilience - which is staggering in the face of such callous behaviour from your H, and even more so when you've been so physically vulnerable in addition. You are amazing. And while you might not feel strong, you are. It feels hard because you are a caring, warm and empathetic human being. Your consideration for your H's sons is lovely, for example. IF you found it easy it would be because you were a cold, disengaged sociopath. The fact that you are able to behave like this despite finding it so hard is what makes you strong.

Hi Waves. Hope you are getting good care there and that they find out how to stop those blackouts.

I also wanted to say that I think you are amazing and so so strong.

I was listening to another person telling me about a situation in work today, they had to come down hard on somebody who was fleecing the company. I had only read the first half of this thread and I asked "did they accuse you of snooping?" And he said "yes, they said I had no right to be going through their work". ~ seems to be a trend in lowlifes.
Your H is a complete shit and I'm glad you are not taking it from him.

Hi Waves, thinking of you xx

Hi Waves, hope you get a good rest, tonight.

Hope you are getting the care you need and not feeling too much stress Waves. Sometimes you just have to step back and put yourself first - hope things are manageable. x

Morning waves hope you're doing better today and starting to feel healthier.

Just wanted to send love and positive thoughts!! Hope your mum gives him hell when she gets back for hurting you like this! If it were my daughter I'd throw all that 'don't get involved and let them sort it themselves' stuff out of the window and tear strips off him! lots of love and take care xx

just checking to see how you are today waves?

Still holding hand, take care.