So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

No judgement here, waves, I totally understand. You must be so exhausted, and in pain, and alone, and feeling so guilty for your children. I can see how you just wanted to say, ok, come back, lets forget it. You are going through something terrible, I can't even imagine how you have coped so far. You need to get well, and gather your strength, then you can really kick some ass! Wishing you all the very best, I will keep thinking about you, and looking out for you. Good luck.

Have I mentioned lately that he is a shithead? No judgement from me either.

I hope your new meds are kicking in and helping you feel better.

The way he speaks to you and the language he uses is not of someone who loves you, but more of a 'possession'

What MaBumble said.

Here for you when you need it, but no judgement from me. x

NO judgement at all - I think it is perfectly normal to waiver in these situations, especially because you are not operating at full steam.

Stay strong, you know all the answers really and think what if this were your daughter it were happening to? What would you advise her if you were looking through the window.

Am sure people will be here for you no matter what.

I'm still here....just being a bit quiet mostly because I am having the worst issues getting hold of the new medication for my hyperemesis. Pharmacy messed up the order so I now have to wait until Saturday, by which stage I'll likely be on the verge of readmission to hospital Nothing, nothing at all seems to be going my way!

I know that I am having a wobble partly because I feel so physically unwell, and the thought of advertising for lodgers, interviewing people, reorganising bedrooms etc seems completely beyond me when I can barely get out of bed at the moment. The other reason is the fear of failure. As much as I know that I will be MORE of a failure to stay with this man, there is a part of me that says I will have failed at being married. I'm not someone who "fails" things, so it is a question of getting my head into the truth of the position.

I saw a psychotherapist yesterday - I used to see someone a few years ago, and got re-referred by my GP when I felt so down right at the start of the pregnancy. It was so helpful to speak to someone in RL, and I'll be going along every 2 weeks which is wonderful.

I'd seen a lawyer last week, letters re commencement of proceedings are drafted, I've been in touch to say hang on as I'm just out of hospital, and need to get physically better so I can manage the practicalities of this, so I am definitely in a better position than I was.

And yes, I want my children and the baby to be happy, and I want the first few months with the baby to be a happy time. I am also grieving for the husband I thought I had, who I have lost, and the life I thought I was going to have. It is such a lot to get through

What did you used to row about before Waves?

And why have you been so isolated from friends?

Hi waves, good to see you back. That is so awful about the medication, poor you.

When you feel stronger you will see that you have already put a lot of things in place for a happier life. You are bound to feel down about yourself because a) you are ill and b) he has worn you down.

Sending my very best xx

Charbon we didn't used to argue much, but we have different views on parenting which has caused tension in the past, escalating into bigger rows more recently, together with the fact that his DSs have a lot of jealousy about me and my DCs being with their dad all the time. Stupid things, like his two have tvs in their rooms, play on games consoles all the time, and are permitted to play 18 games (they are 8 and 10), have never been encouraged to have table manners, and expect their dad's full attention all the time. My two have never had a tv in their room, it's not what I think is healthy, and I've always limited computer time, encouraged reading and creative play. My two have always had to share me as I work from home part time, and they have, from being babies, come out with me to my various gigs, so their behaviour in public is impeccable, it is just what they are used to. It wasn't until we all started living together that all these differences became so obvious.

I'm super isolated now because after we got together, we just always did everything together, and he decided he didn't like going to things like parties my friends were having, so I just kind of drifted away from people. I've never had a lot of friends, due to working full time, being a lone parent, and doing my extra work.

How about just doing a mortgage holiday rather than stressing about the lodgers for now? I agree it does seem like a lot to take on and you sound like you will be a very conscientious landlady and want everything to be 'right' for anyone coming into your home - I can see how that could actually create more stress.
It must be SO overwhelming the amount you have to deal with. Just take one step at a time and deal with whatever is absolutely most pressing.
Thank goodness you have a lawyer on the case - at least that is one less thing to organise. Stay strong waves

Yes, mortgage holiday a great idea. How about you ring them just to enquire if you can get a mortgage holiday for maternity?

Hi Waves, a mortgage holiday is a brilliant suggestion. My friend has just done this as a result of a similar situation to yours. She just needed a bit of breathing space and it's been a big help. Can you phone your mortgage provider and ask what the options are?

Hope your meds come through soon

You sound like a lovely person and you are so NOT failing. You just happened to fall for somebody who is not as he appeared. You are doing really well and the way in which you are dealing with everything shows that you are not a drama queen or a princess which only leaves ... oh yes it must be him!

FWIW I had hypermesis throughout my pregnancy and found it difficult to do anything (especially eat) before 1pm and very little after 6pm. Once I had been rehydrated in hospital twice I used to try everything keep myself hydrated I sucked ice lollies, frozen dioralyte (yuck!) and even crunched on ice, eventually I had a window of about an hour around 2pm where I could eat small amounts and keep it down. If you can get some rest so you are not exhausted and if things don't settle in the second trimester - you can ask to have a drip administered at home which could help and save you from worrying about your other DC. Ask to speak to a midwife who specialises in hypermesis management to try and avoid the yo-yo of in and out of hospital - I hope your condition improves.

My DS was born premature at 29 weeks partly due to hypermesis so you are right to take this seriously (he's now a bouncing healthy 11 year old). The toast with strawberry jam made for me by the trainee midwife an hour after he was born is the best thing I have ever tasted!

Hi waves. Just ducking back in to say hello and wish you well.

It must have been so hard for his children though, never having time on their own with their father. But rather than blame him for that, it was much safer for them to blame you.

It sounds like part of the attraction for him in you was that he could sub-contract out the care of his children when he was meant to be responsible for it. Did he have shared residence of the children before he met you?

I knew you'd say he'd had a major part in your isolation.

He sounds like an extremely manipulative, scheming man, as well as all the other appalling characteristics he's displaying now.

I think he was looking for a mother who had her own house, source of income and who because of her childhood, was conditioned to appease and mould herself to what he wanted. When I was first on your thread, I thought that the change in his behaviour coincided with the start of his new relationship with the OW.

Now, I think that it coincided with the final stage of the plan. You married him, you got pregnant and were vulnerable and you'd bought a house with him. He'd achieved all he'd set out to achieve and at that point, could show the real 'him'.

Which makes me think that the OW has either been on the scene for a lot longer than since September or October and has been privy to this plot all along, or that he resumed his relationship with her once he was set fair to start abusing you and profiting from the plan.

It must be almost impossible to get your head around a person who can be this cruel and scheming, but they do exist and it's happened to lots of other good, trusting people - especially those who have had an abusive childhood.

What I do know is that you need to keep yourself and your children away from him, however you achieve this. There is sociopathy at play here and you are all at risk of harm.

De-lurking to say that your sound like a lovely mum (and quite frankly his DSs seem totally spoilt to me and I am sure most parents would agree with me).

I can't imagine what you're going through. I've moaned about my shitty morning sickness in the past but after reading your posts (and Tatty's) I will never complain about it again.

You are so strong and you haven't failed. He's failed you and his children.

I hope you make it through to Saturday without needing to be readmitted Waves. I've had lodgers, and had friends as a couple (with a baby) with a lodger too - it was fine, and probably a lot less stress and angst than your current position. Keep strong for yourself and your children.

Go back and see your solicitor - he might get more rights to your equity the longer the marriage lasts and the longer he lives there.

You were so close to getting out of this awful situation with this horrible man.

I know you are sick and can't cope with much, but please don't let him use that to complete the deal.

He thought you being pregnant meant he had you. That's why he revealed himself when he did.

Don't make him right.

Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. Edgar Allan Poe

waves, you WILL get through it. This way or the other.

Please simply be sure to protect your interests as that would be what your DCs could hold on if everything falls apart. Don't let him take financial control.

Bless you and your DCs.

Hi waves,
Wondering what he had in store for you today, thinking of you and hoping you will make it to saturday without your medication

Waves if you feel you can keep him on side. Don't fight him, Just act docile. Play dumb. Don't stress about his kids. Leave them to him.

Go back to the solicitor, get everything set up and then hit him all with it and get him out in one go.

Charbon - you're making a huge assumption there that Waves' H actually has an OW, this is not something that has been confirmed, has it?

Huge assumption?

No, given that the OP's H has been having a secret relationship with his ex who when spoken to by Waves, said that she loved him.

So relieved to hear from you again. Was very worried.
Sorry to hear your meds aren't here yet.
Your comment on failing at marraige. Don't think that. You ARE NOT failing at marriage my dear Waves. Rather, HE has failed you all. It's better to be free of his abuse and be just you and your dc then for you to all be sucked into his despicable games for the rest of your lives.
Know you are AMAZING. You deserve to be treated as such.
Glad you've got some rl counselling. Try Womens Aid too 01481 721999. The more rl help the better.
Keep in touch with your solicitor health permitting to help you get him out. Have you told solicitor that he is emotionally abusing you, and his behaviour is detrimental to your pg? Just a thought.
We're all here holding your hand and wishing you strength.

Morning Waves. Checking in and waving my pom-poms for you.

hello waves we are still beside you and you have nothing to prove to us, keep on keeping on and take care of yourself.