So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

he is blackmailing and bullying you lovey.

And his tone from what you said, just makes me want to beat the crap out of him.

Also Waves, he was researching late abortions, to me that is the equivalent of Wishing the baby dead, you really need therapy to work out that this man is "NOT GOOD ENOUGH".

Waves (another one de-lurking here)
We are all worried for you. As soon as that medication kicks in please get some legal advice.
He is obviously manipulating you to suit his own ends. Please for the sake of your DC's don't let him.

Waves, I think you must know what a prick he is and how you deserve so much better.

Maybe use your wobble to buy yourself some time while you get legal advice and work towards ridding yourself of him.

Again, sorry if this sounds harsh, but the language he uses tells you that he does not see you as his equal partner. 'Young lady' and 'remember who wears the trousers'. Yuck. Vile man. He wants you in your place.

Please don't raise your children with this man. You do not want them thinking this pattern is normal or acceptable. And YOU deserve so much more. You are much better than this terrible cunt.

Oh and I don't use the c word. Ever. But he so fucking is.

Is it not interesting to see how his abuse really started when you become pregnant, vulnerable and dependent on his goodwill.

The hyperemesis is really helping his cause.

Waves You may think your a terrible person, but i can guarantee, thats there is 3 people who really matter who think you are the best person to ever live, thats DC's and bubba in your belly, fuck this man and what he thinks of you.

His only goal is to take everything you are and destroy.

Dont let your history with your DC's father to think you should stay with this man, so you were fooled, we pick ourselves up, learn a lesson and move on, he played it right.

Waves It time to change the rules.

But i also suspect that he knows your on Mumsnet and that the reason for you wanting to disappear, did he promise to me nice if didnt come on here again?

Classic abusers technique, isolate and make dependent, i bet after baby is born he wants you to be a SAHM, so he can get you financially dependent.

Tell me Waves, what is it about this real personality about your husband, do you love? or are you staying out of fear?

Do you want to stay with a dead marriage or do you want yourself and your DC'S to be happy?

You need to accept that this man is really your husband, and you will never get the man you married back.

Stop being a doormat, your too good for that, it breaks my heart to know you dont believe that.

Dont allow your children to suffer another abusive man, you have the power to say NO, so start saying it.

It is worse for yourself and your children to stay married to an abusive shit.
What do you think is going to happen when the baby is born! Do you think he will become nice again, or even escalate his abuse further?

Also, this man clearly doesnt love you, he thinks he owns you, stop reinforcing that.

waves, please please don't leave our hands holding you.

Being afraid of uncertainty + Couldn't accept the reality are basically what made you unsure about the decision to let him go.

As others said, no judgement here. You are at a position that nobody on this forum would think one can go through without pain and back-and-forth hesitation. But in the end, it's always about a better life. Otherwise, what's the point to bring up kids but seeing yourself couldn't give them a brighter future? Ask yourself please, do you really think this guy can give this to you and your kids, including the one in you tummy right now? Would he be the kind of father your children feel proud of and the role model they could follow?

We are not at the position to tell you what to do. Only you, you have the answer to yourself.

In a better scenario, we of course hope you go the wiser way, i.e. cut this guy out of your life. You would be an extremely brave and determinant woman if you could make it without detour. But in a less good scenario where you make a detour and fall back within his power and subject yourself to his mood and his convenience, you are not disappointing us but probably extending the pain and the suffer to a much longer period of time until you someday could accept the fact, i.e. this is not the guy you thought you married and this is not a life you deserve, you might finally have the courage to step out of the mess... Unfortunately, it's not impossible as we wish it would be. It is an extremely difficult situation, especially with the little one who's about to come to this new world being loved.

But please, you are not letting us down. There's no way I could manage so far as you did till now. And I absolutely don't think I can cope with such an abusive and manipulative "D"H as you are doing now.

But when it really happened, sooner or later, you would have to face the reality. I don't believe the detour is going to be a big one, if you really fall back within his power telling yourself things are going to be better than now or even it might get back to "normal", as it's not going to be the same again and he won't bother to pretend being controlled and being nice again. You will soon find you have no choice really and have to cut him out.

I don't think I am being pessimistic based on what happened over the past weeks since you started this post.

Even if you decide to disappear for a while, please keep in mind that OUR HANDS TO HOLD YOURS WILL ALWAYS BE HERE. If you feel you can't handle it anymore, we will still be here as your army. Simply because we want you and your children are having a happier life, with or without this guy.

Waves In no way are you letting us down.

You have to be worried about letting your children down, you said they were much happier with him gone, i think that gives you all the reason you need to leave him.

Oh Honey, no judgement from us. We're here to help and support YOU - the wonderful person and mother that you clearly are.

Print this whole thread off and store it somewhere safe to read through at a future time. It describes behaviour from him that is a million miles away from a loving respectful relationship. Your DC's sense this too - they were happier when he left.

Protect your financial asset - the house. If married less that a year and with your equity, he has little hold on it (as you were advised). I suspect he has realised that and is trying to bide his time to steal your money and home as well.

DON'T put up with abusive behaviour from him or his children. You are a very ill woman right now, anyone who cared for you would not allow their children to run around the house disturbing you. They would also bring you tea, and not suggest you sleep on the sofa.

Whatever you do, and when, we really are just here to support you, and wishing we could do it in RL. Take care hun. If you leave for a while, take care of you and your DC's. And if we can help - just pop back and you'll find us still here for you. x

Dearest Waves, if you are still reading, I just wanted to say I don't know how you've coped with this so well, under the immense strain of being SO ILL.

For God's sake don't worry about letting people on MN down, they are here to support you not judge you, as many have stated.

When you feel better, you can always change your mind right back again.

Oh, and one other thing - He is a total cunt.

Just read the book honey & when you're ready you will find the strength to act. No one will judge you. You are pregnant, ill & vulnerable. This is hard!!!

He cheated on you
He allows your children to abuse you
He talks down to you
He minimises your illness
He researched late abortions

And it's YOUR behaviour that needs to change? It's YOU on the last chance?

You are worth so much more. Nobody is judging you, but we do want you happy and safe. You need to get rid of this total bastard in order to be happy and safe. Please get out of this destructive relationship, waves. I don't know you, but I am so worried for you. You have a bunch of us random strangers on the Internet who care about you far more than this man does. Please don't waste your time on him.

He allows his children to abuse you

But, Mr Waves, if you are further controlling your wife by reading her private posts, you are an evil cunt. And I hardly ever use that word. Shame on you.

'your last chance'??

'young lady'???

.....what an unutterably pompous little twerp.

Really. Stupid boy.

....Remember to call your lawyer, waves, with respect to your rights in the home if the relationship has broken down: and give Women's Aid a call, because you have a very special type of abuser on your hands.

He can't go back to what he was, however lovely you are, because all that romantic gesturing was fake...

We will see you soon, and we'll know you when we see you if you want to reappear incognito.

We are thinking of you, here for you, no matter what.

Waves, your post after you'd seen a solicitor on Friday, do you remember what the solicitor said? He said that h would get nothing from the house - you'd put all the equity in.

Do you think that while you were in hospital - and h had supposedly left you - that the bastard went off to see a solicitor himself? Found he'd get nothing and thought "bugger that! i'll move back in, take charge, and if she doesn't like she can move out with her brats. Then it'll be her fault and her choice and I'll have the house." Is that a possibility?

Don't let him do you over any more. As soon as you are feeling better, get to that solicitor and get things moving.

Look forward to peace and harmony with your children.

Lovely Waves, if you are still reading I hope you are feeling all the hands holding you, willing you forward and wishing you strength. We are not at all judging you, many of us who have gone down the path of separation from an abusive partner have had a few false starts along the way.

What matters is that you find your way in the end.

I hope you don't disappear, and I am not the only one offering to hold your hand along the way.

Protect yourself and your DCs, the best way for you to do this, harsh as it sounds, is protect your assets. Please see your lawyer as soon as you are able.

Lovely Waves, if you are still reading I hope you are feeling all the hands holding you, willing you forward and wishing you strength. We are not at all judging you, many of us who have gone down the path of separation from an abusive partner have had a few false starts along the way.

What matters is that you find your way in the end.

I hope you don't disappear, and I am not the only one offering to hold your hand along the way.

Protect yourself and your DCs, the best way for you to do this, harsh as it sounds, is protect your assets. Please see your lawyer as soon as you are able.

Waves, I've been lurking on this thread and just want to send you lots of love and luck. You are not letting anyone here down. Those of us who have been in abusive relationships know how difficult it is to leave and to realise that the life you imagined and planned, may never happen.
You need to focus on getting well just now and if that means you wobble and stay with him a little longer then so be it. Please see MN as a source of support and not a place where you have disappointed people. You are brave and inspiring. Be gentle with yourself.

You are amazing, strong and a great mother.

This despicable, loathsome creature has attached himself to you and is sucking the love and joy from your life and that of your children. It will not get better. If you stay, it will get worse and it will damage your children. They were happy that he was gone. Remember that even if everything else seems confused.

He has taken advantage of you at a weak moment when you are seriously ill. You are in no way bound to stay with this deeply unpleasant and abusive man. There is no reason why you shouldn't tell him to leave when you feel stronger. You don't even need to talk to him if you feel he is manipulating you. Write a letter and refuse to discuss it further. You owe him nothing.

Life can be so much better without the constant presence of a man who uses or abuses you - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1637894-So-much-more-energy-and-life-now-that-ExH-finally-finally-gone

Thinking ahead to when your baby is born, ask yourself whether you want those first months and years to be about you and your child or all about your H and his moods, temper and drama. I don't have many regrets in life and regard most of my mistakes as lessons but if there's one resentment I can't quite let go of, it's the fact that exH made the first years of DD's life all about him so that when I look back most of what I remember is his nasty, selfish behaviour. In hindsight I should have left while I was pregnant but couldn't quite believe what my life had become.

Also delurking to offer support. He is taking advantage of your current ill health. This won't last forever. If it helps to nod and smile for a bit, then nod and smile. He can't read your thoughts, he can't control your feelings. Nod and smile until you are ready.

Then pull the rug out from under the bastard. And nod and smile while you're doing it.