So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

How are you this morning?

Hope your medicine came today Waves.

Stall hand-holding here.

And me! (not sure if I've posted yet). I wish I could just be there with you, reminding you you're brilliant and he's a shit.

Also wish there was a hand-hold icon. MNHQ - want to consider, please?

Hi, I have just heard that my medicine has arrived, so off to pick that up in a few minutes. I hate driving with a sick bag on my knee!

I have to confess I had a MAJOR wobble/total waver a couple of nights ago. "D"H came back at lunchtime on Monday for A Talk. He turned up with a notepad and started taking notes of what I was saying. So, stupidly, I started doing the same, and then when I went back over something I wrote down that he had said, he denied saying it at all. So, he went back to work on the understanding he was not moving out until I had found lodgers, and found a way to indemnify him on the joint mortgage. Which of course set me on a major panic.

By the time 6pm came around I was an emotional mess, and ended up begging him to give me another chance. I said I would never raise the issue of DSSs being noisy or not behaving, or anything about table manners. He accepted this all and said, well just make sure you understand that this is your very last chance young lady.

What the fuck did I do that for???

I want a stick to beat myself with for completely collapsing and losing my resolve so monumentally. But I am genuinely scared, and the thought of him being here, and having to find lodgers, and him being such a shit with the notepad...well it just felt overwhelming. And now, I am thinking, if I am nice enough, and don't rock the boat, will he go back to who he was when I wrote my list of what I loved about him.

But today, he hasn't texted or called to see how I am, despite leaving this morning knowing I couldn't move for retching.

Oh, and I don't think he knows about this, he found the leaflets my lawyer left and was asking what it was all about. Unless that is more games on his part.

Still thinking about what to do, but may well disappear from here, and do something new in OTBT with a brand new identity. Just means I'll lose my support on my antenatal thread and hyperemesis support thread, which is particularly important to me. But if I am going to disappear, that is what I need to do I guess.

Thanks for the ongoing handholding....I just feel a bit of a failure now, and like I have let a lot of you down who thought I was being so strong, when I have wavered so badly.

Oh waves nobody here will judge you, few of us have had the Jekyll/Hyde partner you have so please don't worry about 'letting us down'. Sometimes for all the pep talks it's difficult to put everything into practice in rl, it's you who have to put up with the crap and he is obviously no slouch when it comes to manipulation and intimidation.

Do keep posting if you find it helpful whether here or elsewhere on MN and change your nn if that helps. Lots of Mners in your corner

Delurking to please beg you not to disappear off the threads that are hopefully holding your hand through this ordeal that HE is putting you through. You have NOT let anyone down on here. friends virtual or in real life, will not judge you at all, but will want to help you through this. however long it takes. we're all here for you. Rooting for you waves. Please phone the women's aid in your area, you need some on the ground real life emotional & practical support 01481 721 999.

Waves I'm so sorry he is effectively blackmailing you isn't he.

I want to echo Acqua and the others in urging you to get some RL support. Please phone women's aid. They are very busy, but if you can't get through and leave a message they will get back to you, and they can be a great support and source of information.

Waves, my love - you can get this thread deleted if you want to protect your current ID from your H, and then start a new one elsewhere with a different name; but no reason why you should lose your support in the other threads.

Wobbles are normal. You have had an enormous shock, you are in a terribly vulnerable state, things have changed so fast for you - of course it's understandable that you'd prefer for things to go back to the way they were.

BUT! Writing it down has shown you what kind of arse the man actually is; the way things were wasn't real, sadly. And just because you have agreed for now to his demands, doesn't mean you have to continue to agree to them. But you can use the breathing space to gather your strength again, let him think that he's got you over a barrel again, and then POW! Hit him with everything you've got, get him out, divorce his sorry arse and do it all before he has a chance to draw breath again.

And as for "your last chance", he can fuck right off with that!! OMG.
Ditto with him doing anything with the mortgage.

As soon as you are able, sooner if possible, GET LEGAL ADVICE. FAST.

flowers for the wonderful woman and mother you are. Always know that. Always believe that.
One step at a time. And if you go back a step. Who doesn't when life is dealing them an awful hand? Doesn't matter. Just keep looking forward. you'll get there.

Who knows, perhaps the right thing for you could be to bide your time, wait till you have had your baby, and are feeling stronger physically. As you are still complaining about his lack of concern and communication means that you have not been able to emotionally detach from him. You know what little you get from him, you know what he is like, so do we. I hope in time you can find the strength, meanwhile avoid continual disappointment by working on emotionally detaching to the point where you don't care what he does or doesn't do - then you will find release from the situation.

Absolutely no judgement here. Am delighted to see you back and hope I will be able to find your next thread (PM people you trust?).

As for the wobble; when I was going through this, the analogy I found useful was that it was like climbing Everest.
Anyone who has done it knows how difficult and enormously challenging it is.
There is a point where you are climbing on loose scree, and as you take a step forward, you are also slipping back.
But if you're going to get to the top, you have to go past this bit.
Think of your wobble as your path through the scree. You slipped. So what. You are under enormous pressure and you're doing so well.
Just keep your eye on the top and you'll get there.

To counter his unbelievably smug remark, you are doing remarkably well young lady and don't you forget that.
You are seeing through him now. You can see his lies. He is losing his power over you. Keep climbing.

Can I suggest horrible as it sounds that when you next speak to the solicitor you sort a will to protect all of your assets for your children.

No judgement here. You will do what is right, when it is the right time for you and your children. That may well not be just now, with your ongoing HG.

What Xales said, also.

Just de lurking to send you lots of love and support... I've been reading every day and hoping things were going to get better for you. I'm so sorry you are having an awful time, and hope you can feel the cyber support for you from all of us here xx

Hi Waves, de lurking too. Just wanted to offer my support. He is an utter cock, you sound wonderful. xx

Waves I've been reading but not posting as you had so much good support.

But I just want to say to you:

Of course you wavered, most people would.

This is a dreadful terrifying position you're in. You don't want it to be real, you want you old life back, you feel like settling for anything from him would be better than this awful fear and loneliness you feel.

of course you wavered. No one here will e you for that, we all understand or imagine the fear.

You can't let us on here down. You re not doing this for us. We are just here to support, advise, and hopefully give you some strength.

Your 'waver' will just be another blip in this painful journey of separation which you know has to take place since his treatment of you has reached unbearable lows.

Unfortunately this can't be a quick an easy process, he won't let it be for one.

But stay with your antenatal thread and here if you feel the support is good for you, or come back when you need too.

There are lots of women here who've been where you are now and come out the other side and you need to hear whatbtheybhave to say.

Be kind to yourself, you've let no one down.

De lurking too to beg you to not go back on your decisions.
THIS IS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. You cannot spend the rest of your days living half a life, being half a person, you are worth so so so much more than that. You are clearly a strong, capable, intelligent woman, a lovely mother, a long suffering daughter and you should never have to compromise on who you are.
Never mind that you've wavered, be blasé during the next conversation and tell the nasty twunt that you've changed your mind or better still play him at his own game and deny even saying it.
You owe it to yourself and your babies to not have to live in such a screwed up situation.
The "Last chance young lady" comment makes me want to batter the idiot senseless (sorry MN if that's v inappropriate).
Big hug, major hand holding and tonnes of support here waves

"He accepted this all and said, well just make sure you understand that this is your very last chance young lady."

Change your mind back.

You can't make your children live with this abusive scumbag and his bad-mannered children.

Just tell him it was a moment of madness, but you're back to yourself now.

Waves love please don't sell yourself short. You know you and your DC's deserve better. If it helps play along with him for now as you scheme behind his back to get shot of him.
I really think having a wobble is understandable in your current condition but if you were well l am sure you would not be tolerating his behaviour.

If needed start a new thread in OTBT and we will follow

Hope your medication is kicking in and the nausea comes under control.

You are not letting us down, and we are in no position to judge you, so put that from your mind. You have important things to worry about! Not least, your sickness and that baby growing inside you.

Now, there is no law saying you can't change your mind. He does. You can. When you feel strong enough, you can do all those things that he forced you to promise not to do - table manners, noise, everything. If he challenges you, you can coolly tell him that promises made under duress are no more binding than anything else. Remind him of the things he said during that talk, point out he changed his mind about even having said them, changed his mind about leaving - indeed, actually left, but then came back!. Even if you don't actually say any of that, you know that these things happened, and can use them to keep yourself psyched up. If you're really lucky, he'll stick to the "last chance young lady" (wtf, is he your boss? Headmaster? Dad?) and he'll leave.

No judgment here either but whatever you do, do not indemnify him on the mortgage. You will find yourself in an even worse position when you do find the strength to get shot of this idiotic man.

No judgement here. But now you know his gameplan. And you know for sure if you did not know in your heart already that he is cold, manipulative and abusive.

You cant get lodgers in while he is still there. You dont have a spare room to show while he is still there.

My advice to you now is to get back onto your lawyer, and proceed with the divorce and getting him out.

"He accepted this all and said, well just make sure you understand that this is your very last chance young lady."

Change your mind back. As AThing says.

Or even better. Deny you ever said it. That would knock him sideways, YOU doing what he does!

Ok Waves, I think you need to a make choice, either hope that he becomes the man he was, which is the fake, or your children.

So what will it be? pander to this bullying, arsebandit, shitfuck for the rest of you life or give your children a happy mother, what do you think they would prefer?

Sorry to be so harsh, but you really need to stop overthinking it all, he is gonna treat you like dirt for the rest of your life, with your children watching, they watched it happen with their father, now with their stepfather.

Start thinking like a mother and kick this bullying bastard out, your children will thank you for it.