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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
thekitchenfairy · 11/02/2013 23:27

Aaah, so that's why he was at the hospital than... He crept back in while you were defenceless and visiting enabled him to paint a picture to the old world as a loving husband.

Fucker.

But if he has read this thread no doubt he will be angry, please take care, and call WA and your lawyer as soon as you can tomorrow.

IAmNotAMindReader · 11/02/2013 23:40

Christ on a bike!

This excuse for a collection of cells knows no bounds. Get in touch with your solicitor, the police, tell the midwives he's not allowed in. Get on to WA. Telll your friends the whole truth no matter how embarrassing it seems, they need to know the true extent of what you've been dealing with alone. Its time to relay the situation to them all and let them fight your corner now while you get well.

His behaviour is escalating make sure you and yours are protected.
He is at fault not you and the consequences of his actions are his alone to bear.

whosthis · 12/02/2013 00:55

Glad to see you made up mind firmly now. Others said all. Especially agree with Midwife. He's not going to leave you in peace under the same roof. You need external support to make sure you and your baby are safe.

AgathaF · 12/02/2013 07:07

How utterly shit for you to leave hospital and find he has moved back in to your home. I think legal action is the only way forward now. You can't possibly sort out lodgers whilst he is still in the same house. What if you arrange for someone to move in and he refuses to leave?

wavesandsmiles · 12/02/2013 09:49

Hi all, struggling a bit today as my new medication isn't arriving until tomorrow, so it's a city of sick house once more. At least I only need to hold out another day!

I'm a bit worried that he might have read all this, bear with me whilst I work on a solution.

For what it is worth, I was as pissed off that he had taken my car when I got home as I was to see that he had moved in. I had to go off to get prescriptions, but he very reluctantly brought it back. As it was, I only got half the prescription as the other meds had to be ordered in, but still, it wasn't nice having to ask for my own car......

OP posts:
GaryBuseysTeeth · 12/02/2013 10:03

Glad you're home, sorry he is too.

Is the car insurance in your details with him as an extra driver, would it be childish to suggest taking him off the policy so he can't drive it?
Just because you're trying to save money so cutting down on the insurance/petrol costs would help.

Sending you lots of positive vibes to get through how ever long he's living at yours...and hope him moving back in doesn't have too much of an impact on your fantastic DC's.
If things get worse, don't be afraid to call the Police. x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/02/2013 10:03

Taking your car without your consent, helping himself to your phone, moving back in and being obnoxious to his pregnant and ill wife. Doesn't paint a pretty picture does it.

BlatantRedhead · 12/02/2013 10:05

What makes you think he's read all this waves?

AgathaF · 12/02/2013 10:14

Perhaps the thread could be relocated?

Seabright · 12/02/2013 10:19

I agree, get it moved to the Special Place, just in case.

LiveItUp · 12/02/2013 10:19

Well done, you're sounding stronger today albeit still very sick.

Who the hell does he think he is? Wants your house, your sanity, and now your car? He's really trying to control everything about you isn't he. Shock Hope you get to sort this out with your lawyer today.

Take good care of yourself.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 12/02/2013 10:21

If he was playing with your phone chances are he stumbled across this thread.

He took your car.
He moved back into the house.
He was and continues to be vile to his very ill, pregnant wife.

What a catch! Angry

lalalonglegs · 12/02/2013 10:24

waves - if he has read your thread then at least he can be under no illusion that anyone thinks that his behaviour is reasonable or that your marriage can continue. Agree with whoever said that you should have him taken off your car insurance and start a new thread in the other place.

Midwife99 · 12/02/2013 11:07

Your equity, your car, your kids, your phone, your uterus. How very dare he!

BinarySolo · 12/02/2013 11:16

Get him removed from the car insurance and report to the police if he takes your car again. I would hide the keys as well. This 'man' makes me furious. He is still game playing. Please speak to you solicitor about removing him from your house.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 12/02/2013 11:16

Taking a car without owners consent is stealing, please tell me its in your name.

BinarySolo · 12/02/2013 11:28

I thought that, gregbishops, but I wonder if the fact he's on the insurance muddies the waters.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 12/02/2013 11:34

Binary One phone call to the insurance company can change that.

porridgeLover · 12/02/2013 11:48

Waves, I still feel that your tone on posts is that you accept that there is some truth in what he says.
Please dont believe any of it.
I can imagine you sitting there thinking....'well, these ladies on t'internet, they dont really know me. He does, and he knew the best of me so..maybe now I've brought out the worst in him?'

That is absolutely not the case. I dont know you, but I do know the pattern of an abusive man. I do know the scars of being scapegoated and left defenceless by my parents.
The only way to get past these men is the realisation that nothing they say in relation to you, has any truth in it.
He has a compelling drive to reduce you to a position of absolute nothingness. To see no value in you. His only power in life comes from standing on top of you. Is that ok with you???

He wont change (unless he recognises this...which they generally dont).

It would not matter who you are, what you do, how you change, how you improve yourself, nothing will change his view of you. You could become CEO of World Largest Inc. and it still would'nt attract anything positive from him.

It's all my fault apparently.....how could that possibly be true. You are very ill. How could you not rely on the help of this child's father...THAT'S normal.
I'm a drill sergeant mum for insisting on table manners....what a treasure of a parent you actually are. Your children will thank you for it every time they go out on a dinner date, or go for lunch with their boss.
I'm in desperate need of therapy....probably true but not because I am such an awful person.

Keep telling yourself...I am special, I am kind, I am important (totally stolen but you know, it works).
Apparently when we are under pressure like this we need 5 positive affirmations for each knock we receive. Make sure you get them. You deserve them.

Jux · 12/02/2013 11:58

Waves, don't let the bastard grind you down.

You are amazing. You are special. You deserve the best - and that's not him.

Thumbwitch · 12/02/2013 11:59

No point in moving the thread. The other place is only unsearchable if threads are started in there; otherwise they still come up on searches.

Waves - remember he is trying to fuck with your head, he is trying to make you believe that you are the problem - he is doing this because he knows he is the problem. He is doing this because he wants to keep you on the back foot. Be awake to it, be very aware of his manipulative efforts - and repudiate them because HE IS A LYING COCK.

(((hugs)))

Midwife99 · 12/02/2013 12:13

It's the script honestly - abusive men ALL tell the victim it's their fault.

OnceisEnough · 12/02/2013 13:44

I am a lurker who has been following your thread with great admiration for your dignity in the face of horrendous circumstances: illness together with unbelievable provocation from some destructive creature who is using you as a scapegoat for his own inadequacy . I just want to add my voice to the chorus of voices telling you that this is not your fault and that he is a sick abuser.

I'm old enough to be your mother, and if you were my daughter I would be so proud of you. Look at everything you have done - working, teaching, gigging, raising two children, running a house etc. Can't you see what a prize you were? He's the problem and he's the failure. As porridgelover said, "he has a compelling drive to reduce you to a position of absolute nothingness." Why? Because you are valuable; you have too much value and he has none so he needs to steal yours.

Listen to everyone here, please - you are the one who has worth. He is a pathetic abuser. Try to take good care of yourself. You have an army of supporters here who see the goodness in you. If you can't believe your own voice telling you how good you are, try to believe ours.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 12/02/2013 20:06

Waves My ex wasnt abusive, but he did turn his cheating around on me and tell me it was all my fault and stuff, i did believe it a first because a had PND, now i know it was all bullshit to make himself feel better.

Hes trying to absolve himself of blame by blaming you, dont take the blame, its not yours to take.

whosthis · 12/02/2013 23:21

waves, I wish you have more help from your friends - even not very close ones - rather than from that cold-blooded narcissistic bastard...

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