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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
aufaniae · 11/02/2013 18:24

Waves, places we've found lodgers include:

www.easyroommate.co.uk (Free to advertise but you have to subscribe if you want to actually talk to anyone)

www.gumtree.co.uk (Free)

www.houseshare.com (Free)

We've had a fair few, because we've been subletting two rooms to mature students, and they come and go because they're students (which has suited us well).

I would say, you tend to get more weirdos write to you if you advertise on gumtree! But still worth doing as so well-used - we did find a lovely lodger there. My tip would be not to include your phone number on Gumtree. Get to know them via email before you decide if they seem like a weirdo! Or simply not your cup of tea for whatever reason.

My other tip would be to go with your instinct. If you don't like someone, even if you can't quite put your finger on it and feel you're being unfair to them, listen to your instincts! I've regretted it when I haven't! (No great tales of awful people moving in though, just people we didn't really get on with).

I notice you have the GTA on Guernsey - and probably other colleges? Could be worth contacting them and asking for Student Services, and asking if they can give you any advice about advertising rooms to their students (although possibly the wrong time of year for this!)

Seabright · 11/02/2013 18:35

Table manners? Seriously? Bloody hell, I thought I'd heard it all, but that takes the biscuit. So he would still be happy about the pregnancy & all the rest of it if only you'd let the kids eat spaghetti bolognase with their fingers whilst sitting under the kitchen table?

ThePinkOcelot · 11/02/2013 18:37

Jesus, I really can't believe this asshole! I can't believe someone can be so callous and nasty. What a fucking wanker!
Please do not listen to him! Take the advice of others and get on to the police and WA - you need him out of there!
Thinking and rooting for you xxx

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 11/02/2013 18:57

Oh, FFS.

He's really hitting you when you're down, isn't he?

What a complete shit he is.

NotGoodNotBad · 11/02/2013 19:16

"I'm in desperate need of therapy according to him because i am such an awful person. "

So why doesn't he get as far away from you as possible then?

wispa31 · 11/02/2013 19:17

hiya waves
this is my first ever post on here! been lurking in background and keeping up with your thread. not posted as yet as you have had fantastic advice so far but after reading your latest update i wanted to say something.

you need to get that fucker OTF!! felt soo angry for you on reading that that cunt had moved himself back in again!! how dare he do that while you are in hospital! you have been so brave and dignified over this whole sorry situation and you are defo not at fault for any of it!! he is a total fuckwit who needs a good effing kicking for what he has put you through! as said above, GET ON TO THE POLICE and get him removed ASAP!!

PureQuintessence · 11/02/2013 19:24

You dont need him telling you he want leave until you find lodgers.

I dont think he is in a position to make any demands.

Let your lawyer deal with this.

chocoreturns · 11/02/2013 19:25

I know that Women's Aid is suggested on here a lot, and I know that I didn't want to call them when I was going through my early separation. I didn't feel abused, just hurt and miserable and confused. 9 months later when my home was being violated during contact visits but STBXH's continued emotional abuse, I broke down and called them. A risk assessment was carried out and I had a support worker for several months.

It changed everything for me. I finally felt like a normal human being, who was a victim of an abnormal arsewipe of a man. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM - but his campaign to make you think you are the problem will continue until you get some troops on your side. I have also joined a Freedom course and it's opened my eyes, truly - but more importantly I've met and made friends with some incredible women who truly know where I've been and can help me get where I want to be going. Our kids play together. We deal with the crappy ex's together.

You don't need to tolerate him in your space making you miserable my love, I wish I had realised sooner that I could ask for help - this IS domestic abuse. It isn't your fault and MOST of us who have experienced it know that it escalates during pregnancy. Please don't feel it's not bad enough to call, because what you are going through doesn't need to and shouldn't be allowed to get worse.

We're all rooting for you and here to help you survive XX

wordyBird · 11/02/2013 19:28

No, that isn't on. You don't have to just lie down and take it.
Have a word with your lawyer again. Speak to Women's Aid. Consider a locksmith, yes I know it's his property too and strictly not allowed, but consider it ... after consulting the lawyer of course.

springyhopes · 11/02/2013 19:37

0044 808 2000 247 - womens aid telephone number. Try in the night if you can because the lines are quite busy during the day.

As choco says, get the troops in and get him out!!

ach, easy enough for me to say. You are very probably reeling from the volte face of your adored husband, who has turned into Hyde overnight. Or, rather, you are now seeing that he is Hyde Sad

(((())))

Jux · 11/02/2013 20:07

You poor, poor thing; he's an arsewipe fuckwit. Underhand. Dishonest. Abusive.

You need Women's Aid now, for you and your children. Don't wait for him to hit you.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 11/02/2013 20:28

oh waves what an absolute shit he is. I feel I am repeating the former sentence over and over, but he is. Angry

Table manners are what almost every PARENT not just mother (cant say all parents) try to instill in their child/ren to ensure that you can take them out or they can go on play dates without embarrassing the hell out of us.

what a cock he is.

clam · 11/02/2013 20:45

What. Is. He. On????!!!

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/02/2013 21:09

I think the cockface is getting worried, hes been testing Waves, and now shes showing a strong attitude, hes desperately trying to beat that down, with his actions and degrading remarks, hes gonna come on until, he either physically abuses or Waves snaps big time.

And the reason why his ex baby mama, has never experienced his behaviour, because they never married, i bet hes one of those men, who thinks, she my wife not, i fecking own her. What a huge cancerous pile on a humanities anus he is.

Undertone · 11/02/2013 21:39

ROAR! I could come over there and screech at him and show him what a real awful person looks like. I'd bring my own crockery to throw at him, don't worry.

I agree he's escalating unreasonableness because he's given himself no other option. He has to make a reality for himself where you're in the wrong because to do otherwise would mean he gas to face up to what a despicable, contemptible, nauseating heap of pustulent festering slurry he is.

I say again: ROOOAAAARRRR!!! Let us at him!

Midwife99 · 11/02/2013 21:41

Oh that I was working in Guernsey!!!

auntpetunia · 11/02/2013 21:42

He is a wanker! Call your lawyer tomorrow when he's at work.. get advice. And DON'T listen to him he's talking crap.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/02/2013 21:47

This man just angers me soooo much, i wanna find him on FB and send a message about what a complete, wife abusing, baby dead wishing, cheating cunt he is, but for waves i wouldnt.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/02/2013 21:48

to all his friends that is....

LiveItUp · 11/02/2013 21:49

Waves - is it possible he's read this thread? He was playing with your phone wasn't he, in the hospital, for ages. Was he reading this entire thread?

Speak to your lawyer, and the DV unit of your police, ask your RL friends for support, and get him out. Good luck, we're all with you.

Whitewineformeplease · 11/02/2013 22:00

Oh my God waves, I am so, so sorry this is happening to you, and that you're going through all this with so little support. I agree with the others, please call women's aid, you need some help. You are in such a vulnerable position at the moment, and this situation is not getting any better. This man is not getting what he wants from you, and there's no telling what could happen next.

I wish I could do something more practical to help, I wish I lived near you so I could go to you and help you. I am furious on your behalf that this is happening to you. This is NOT your fault, you do NOT deserve this, your husband is a nasty, controlling bastard. Please get help as soon as you can. Xxx

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/02/2013 22:01

Live I never occurred to me that he could have seen it.

Jux · 11/02/2013 22:09

nauseating heap of pustulent festering slurry - brilliant, Undertone.

Remember that phrase, waves, every time he says or does something. It will help you put him in the right place in your mind, and take away a lot of the nastiness he is emanating.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/02/2013 22:13

Also treat him like a squatter, do nothing for him, dont spend time with him, dont even acknowledge him.

LiveItUp · 11/02/2013 22:18

Would make sense though - visit in hospital, read the thread, go away angry, move back in ... maybe I'm overly suspicious. Either that, or his OW has thrown him out already. Utter bastard, whichever it is ...

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