So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

waves - I'm so sorry that you are going through this but please try not to focus on what your husband should be doing, all of us on this thread can see that he is incapable of showing any warmth or empathy towards you. Don't tell him you are in or out or hospital, he will clearly relish not offering you any help and, on a slightly more worrying level, might use your absence from the house to go back in and remove things.

I hope the doctors can sort your medication out - I can't imagine how rough you are feeling without all the stress of the situation added in as well. Good luck .

Hope it goes ok at the hospital waves.

I have no doubt a year from now you will be in an immensely different place waves. It's hard to imagine, but you will even feel glad that he's done one, because you get to enjoy your baby the way YOU want to in the meantime. I have attended my local Freedom course to get my twatsignal turned off and while I'm not convinced it's off yet, the volume is turned right down!

Try not to worry about tomorrow if you can, just go one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. Your beautiful children are coping tremendously well and are a credit to you. Hold onto the fact that you'll soon have another baby bean to add to the tribe, who you will never in a million years regret having. Twunt or no twunt. You're going to be alright x

"At some point in the future, when you've had your baby and settled into your new and improved life, you might want to consider counselling to learn how to switch off your Twatsignal. Lots of people have a Twatsignal - I did for a while too! - it's something that you acquire over the years of being mistreated emotionally, and unfortunately new Twats can see it from a long way off and home in on it. So you need to learn how to lose it again and counselling can help with that." - Thumbwitch

That is the best way I have ever heard this described. It is so true. Hope you feel better soon Waves

Thanks delilah! :)

Ah, sorry you have had to go back in, waves. To be honest, I don't know why they keep discharging you, you are so far from well... but can 100% sympathise with your not wanting to stay there! :(

lalalonglegs is right, it will only hurt you further to hope for emotional support from H and family, and your mum for that matter. They simply can't offer it. The brain wiring is missing.

My analogy is - you cannot get tea from the coffee machine. You can stand there forever, exercising endless patience or any mental technique you can think of .... and you will only get coffee. Never tea. You have to go to a tea machine for tea. And you will only get sympathy from a sympathetic, understanding person. :(

Having said that, sometimes a sympathetic person cannot offer the practical help you need! We can't mind your children, for example, else one of us would be there.... If your mum is offering practical help, this has to be welcomed for now - even if you have to block your ears to the unkindness that goes with it (easier said than done, and tiring in itself).

Thinking of you. Every step, is a step forward..

Hello to all of you and another thanks for your support and advice

I'm on IV fluids now and settled in a side room again. I am going to try harder not to beg to be let out early this time, but I find it hard to be away from my DCs and my animals

So I spoke to DH who came up here. He will not talk to me about anything until I apologise for my temper tantrum on Thursday, I need to remember that I am not seriously ill, what I have is not life threatening so I need to stop being a princess as just start getting on with things. I feel even more emotionally battered now but at least I can understand his thought processes a bit more now.

He was out on the piss last night, told me he is out again tonight. Hasn't taken him long to move on....

I'm going to talk to the midwife looking after me about this all soon

Yes confide in your community midwife too ASAP because she'll be your number one port of call the next few months. We're not just there to check blood pressure, we do alot of mopping up of tears & hand holding too. She'll liaise with your future health visitor too to make sure you have tons of support after the baby is born & lots of TLC. It seems like yesterday I was in the same boat (although the bastard wouldn't move out) & my DD is now 9!! My local perinatal mental health team were fantastic & their counsellor visited me at home regularly during the pregnancy & every week after the baby was born for support. Ask your midwife to refer you to them if you have a similar service. Thinking of you - really that man is a heartless beast isn't he?

I could be wrong but it is life threatening and he's being an utter arse.

You need to look after yourself and not beat yourself up, this is not your fault.

This brute is completely heartless. It's not that it hasn't taken him long to move on, he moved on ages ago.

You said something a few posts back Waves about even when you thought he was great, there was unacceptable behaviour and you reacted to it. What did you mean by that?

So is he blaming this 'temper tantrum' on your pregnancy sickness/hormones? I.e. you are an over-emotional woman who can't control herself?

Glad you are getting the medical support you need. As for H's swift moving on, all predictable I'm afraid. He's one sick bastard though, telling you are a drama queen. No hospital would have you in unless it was absolutely necessary, we all know about the shortage of beds.

Here's an extract from the ever pertinent "loser" article about quick attachment
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

1. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed.

That's a great excerpt. It's this loser to a T isn't it?

Sometimes I think it takes a bout of ill health to bring out the true nature of these people. Because the attention is not on them, they can't handle it. Nor do they have the capacity to truly care about others. Only to fake it, for public consumption: so their true colours come through.

If they are ill, they are seriously ill and need help.
If you are ill, you are merely attention-seeking.
If they are in hospital, they are ill and being uniquely heroic about it.
If you are in hospital, the worst ones will say you are faking it, or it isn't that bad: the less overtly cruel will huff, and say you brought it on yourself.

One thing is guaranteed: you won't receive a sincere word of kindness from them. However, you can also be sure they are talking unmitigated rubbish!

Doctors don't order IV drips for a laugh: you're dangerously dehydrated, among other things, waves. That sounds pretty life - threatening to me. And worse, there are two lives under threat.

I hope you will tell the midwife what's going on. You don't need this unhelpful nonsense.

Take care

... and get well soon dear waves, you are in good hands there, so no need to worry now...

I don't consider myself a violent person, but I have to say that this latest episode from your bastard of an h has just made me want to line him up in front of me for the biggest smack in the mouth.

You're "not seriously ill?" This "isn't life-threatening?" You need "to apologise for your tantrum the other night." Dear God, I hope you told him to fuck the hell off and not come anywhere near you ever again unless it's with divorce papers to sign.

Waves I'm so sorry you are having to tolerate this bastard's behaviour, particularly when you're feeling so awful. You sound amazingly strong - I'd be a gibbering wreck in floods of tears - and I'm no weed. Good luck.

Temper tantrum???! Wtf? When he finds a long queue of MNers outside his door telling what's what, the he'll have a better idea of what a temper is like.

Don't give him headspace, waves. He's just doing the Abusers Script.

Now, you try to stay in as long as you can and get yourself really well. Don't leave hospital until they're actually shoving you out.

He's refusing to talk to you about anything until you apologise for your temper tantrum?

I sincerely hope he didn't get that apology.

I sincerely hope you told him to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

I think you are done talking anyway now aren't you?

He can refuse away.

I am so sad for you that your mother feels unable to mother you properly at this time. She probably thinks she is. But her attitude is what makes you feel so down about yourself; because she is your mother and she tells you it's your fault, so you believe her. She's not right about this, you know. Honestly. I think the less you discuss it with her the better, as her attitude is so unhelpful. Just stick to practical arrangements and accept the help she can give you in that way.

Hope you are feeling less sick in hospital and get plenty of rest. So many of our thoughts are with you, wishing you all the very best xxx

Grrrrrrrr - ARSE!!!!

waves I haven't posted on this thread because I think you've been getting great advice from people far better placed than me to comment. However, I check your thread often because I really feel for you and I want to hear how you are, hoping that things are improving. I think you are doing so well and sound like such a great person and fantastic mum. You can get through this, x

Waves Your stbexh is a huge loser with a dose of wanker, you are so much better off without this thing in your life, hes an emotional vampire, wants to suck you dry, tell him to fuck off and eat shit when he gets there.

Am I alone in hoping his balls drop off?

"After all, that’s when we all turn to self-blame: at those very moments we can’t accept how helplessness we are to control our fate. Beneath self-blame, there’s often a powerful wish for control"

m.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201205/why-you-blame-yourself-bad-relationships-and-how-stop

waves, I kept thinking why you blame yourself for all these while it is obviously not. Found this one. We all turn to do it sometimes, but we have to wake up and tell ourselves that things aren't always in control.

Do what you can, but don't blame yourself for things beyond your power.

Exactly what gregbishops said. Times infinity.

binary I think it's pretty evident that he has no balls to drop off!