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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 08/02/2013 22:15

Do you know what, you will not give a shit what those people think in a years time, including him

Because you will have coped

Gor through it and come out the other side, and because you are hot and livy and a talented lady you will find someone nice to share your children and your life with

I got through it, with a lot of tears and anger but you can do it too

Screw him

prettywhiteguitar · 08/02/2013 22:15

Lovely ! Not Livy bloody auto correct !

whosthis · 08/02/2013 22:31

I'm not at all religious or much of a hippy but I do believe that this baby and this situation is a test that you will overcome and some good will come from it. No one can see what the good will be but it will be there in the end. This too shall pass.

grumblinalong, this was what I was willing to express but lack of the right wording to take it out without sounding heartless. But yes, I do believe everything happens for a reason, not for what passed but for what's going to happen.

Waves, please take the control of life back into your hand. It's tiring and it's demanding, but you would only then realize how proud you feel on what you would achieve. Don't give up!

Midwife99 · 08/02/2013 22:40

Sweetie I feel so sad reading that - no one deserves that treatment, especially from someone who knows how it was for you last time. Evil bastard!!

Chaoscarriesonagain · 08/02/2013 22:55

Good evening waves

I have just read your whole thread. First and foremost, you are not stupid, so don't believe for a second you are. What you have been through is abuse, plain and simple.

Your list from September is a bitter pill to swallow just now. I understand completely (draws parallels to me own situ) that you just want him back, the him you know. The hardest thing to accept here is that you didn't know him at all. The person you thought he was does not exist. It feels like your love together has been a fraud, for him to mistreat you in such a terrible and callous way. I am truly sorry for your suffering, compounded with caring for DC and juggling work.

The wisdom of many a book, and many a kind MN over these last months and weeks have taught me that love is indeed an action; an action your STBXH is incapable of, hard as it is to accept. Please don't try and understand, you never will in these situations.

All you did OP was do best by your DC and put your faith, hope and love in someone, and carve out a life with whom you believed would be your husband for life. You did nothing wrong.

The bad times never last waves. Your defiance has been inspiring. Hold onto that. Keep posting.

olgaga · 08/02/2013 22:58

Waves if you have any doubt at all, read your own posts - especially the last one - and think about what you would be saying to a dear friend in the situation you describe.

Hope you can manage this and feel better soon. I know we're all really feeling for you, is there anyone at all who can come to support you in RL?

blackeyedsusan · 08/02/2013 23:30

this thead is 600+ posts long for goodness sake... 600 posts of suupport telling you you are not a failure and not useless. he is the useless failure.. you have had a lucky escape.

PiannaFingers · 09/02/2013 00:00

I've stayed awake an extra half hour to check how you are. I wouldn't bother for someone I thought was stupid or a failure!

There is NO WAY this is your fault, any of it. Simply no way.

You know that too, but it's easier to believe it is.

You're really ill so how about trying to treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you would treat one of your DCs if they were weak from lack of food, vomiting and in and out of hospital. You don't deserve anything less.

He is showing his true colours right now and so is your mother, but that does not mean that this is the way you deserve to be treated: it's a reflection of them and them alone.

Big, big hugs, mumsnetty and unmumsnetty (never know which are better, so you can choose!).

thekitchenfairy · 09/02/2013 07:09

Oh Waves you are one amazing lady.

I was Soo pleased to check in and see he'd gone, and I am feeling your hurt and wishing I could hop on a plane and come and hold your hand.

Can you call that doula? She can be that person to give you the handholding you need right now.

Why don't you check your local boards for meet ups? Its human nature to want to help. If you posted a message on my local board I would be round like a shot with meals, doing your cleaning and walking your dog and anything else you needed in a non-stalkery way of course!

When I moved to a new area with a tiny baby and a v poorly toddler I made a friend via the board... we had never met up, but we actually lived quite close by. I had an accident about 2 weeks after we were first chatting and i couldn't move from the house for weeks, she turned up t my door with biscuits and some things to amuse DS1. She made all the difference and I will never forget her kindness.

Hoping the sickness is easing xx

AgathaF · 09/02/2013 08:20

Something else too, waves. Look at how many people of this thread care about you and are supporting you from a distance. That's because we all recognise that you have been dealt a shit hand, and we also recognise that you are coping with it in the very best way that you can, and actually doing pretty damn well.

Do you have any neighbours that are ok? Could you tell them what has happened? There might be people right by you who would like to support you in RL too.

bamboozled · 09/02/2013 09:51

Please please listen to everyone who is supporting you here and would be bringing you cups of tea and doing your hoovering if we could.
Lots of us have been where you are, and the mental ramifications of a situation like this seem all consuming and soul destroying, but you will survive and be stronger as a result. Hope your day is not too bad today xx

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2013 10:10

God there are some real shits in this world.
If I were your MiL and my son had done this to you, I'd be there helping in a heartbeat. I'm so sorry so many people let you down.
Please make sure that those who want to help you know the full story and however difficult, let the hospital know how ill you are, because that is making this situation so much worse for you.
You've set the legal ball rolling, now take care of yourself.

DuchessFanny · 09/02/2013 10:28

oh waves Sad

NONE of this is your doing, or your fault ... you fell in love and you trusted him, you didn't know if you let your guard down he would become a monumental prick ... we're all here for you, and i agree a Doula would be a good practical (and emotional) crutch for you.

Thinking of you every day and sending supportive vibes ! x

Midwife99 · 09/02/2013 10:28

How are you feeling this morning Waves? Hope you haven't been sick all night & managed some sleep. I know how terrified you must be. Hmm

Tiggy114 · 09/02/2013 10:37

Honestly if i had no kids of my own i'd get in my car and come help you for a week. You are not alone and you need help honey. Ring womens aid. Even if you just talk to someone. Also keep yourself busy. Don't sit thinking on a night. Get a book and learn to knit. Set yourself a challenge of being able to knit a pair of booties by the time baby is born. Sitting and thinking is your worst enemy hon. We're all here virtually as well x

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 09/02/2013 10:43

waves please call the hospital.

wavesandsmiles · 09/02/2013 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 09/02/2013 11:10

Your children are fabulous, waves. That's completely your doing. You, all by yourself. You can't be a failure, or useless, when your children are as lovely and helpful and strong as they are, can you?

Have you contacted the hospital?

Your mum may be angry about the extra help she has to give now, but if Twunt were still there, she'd almost certainly be having to do it anyway as he wouldn't be looking after them while you were ill anyway.

GaryBuseysTeeth · 09/02/2013 11:12

Well done for (hopefully by the time my slow typing is done!) calling hospital even though you don't want too, fingers crossed you won't have to go back in again.

Great that you already know the doula, hope that meeting goes well.

Your DD sounds very wise, hope their day swimming with your Mum goes well for them.
Sorry your mum is so cold on the emotional side & blames you, my mum is similar (Was in an abusive relationship & all I got was 'Don't come running back to me as all I'll say to you is I told you so') so I get how hard it must be for you with her right now.

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2013 11:24

I'm glad that your mum is at least able to help with practicalities. You need that too, so make sure you take as much advantage of that as you can because at least that way you can hopefully rest.
And if she starts discussing 'the situation' just cut it dead and tell her that it is what it is and there is no point talking about it.

I hope the meeting with the Doula goes well and if there are any friends out there that you could possibly lean on then tell them about it all. You may be more than pleasantly surprised. Look at the support you've had on here from strangers. Give your friends a chance to help.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 09/02/2013 12:18

I have to go back to hospital Sad I called the ward and they say I need to go up to be reviewed by the obstetrician. Just need to find a way to get there! I drive, but it would be foolish to do so when I haven't kept anything down, and am still having fainting episodes.

So, next task is to find someone to give me a lift..... No word from my husband. I did text him to let him know I have to go back in and I haven't heard back from him. I still cannot believe that neither he nor his family has even been in touch to see how I am doing. I know it should be making me feel more confident that I will be better off without, but it still really hurts!

OP posts:
SlatternismyMiddlename · 09/02/2013 12:29

Good luck Waves. Hospital is the best place for you. Please look after yourself.

chocoreturns · 09/02/2013 12:37

good luck and I hope you get some rest, it really will help x

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 09/02/2013 12:50

Thanks everyone, and choco once I am a bit better I will have a proper read of your threads, from what I have seen you have been so amazingly strong, and I hope that a year from now I am able to post a similar story.

Lift to the hospital sorted, so I am about to set off.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 09/02/2013 13:22

Sorry to hear you've to go back in, Waves, but it's probably the best place for you. The stress won't be improving your sickness any, either. :(

Your DD sounds absolutely wonderful, and so does your DS - they got that from YOU, you know. Obviously not their father, clearly not your mother, so that only really leaves you, doesn't it. Wonderful you.

I'll offer you this lovely little snippet to help you manage your expectations of your H - expect nothing good, and you won't be disappointed. Assume the worst at all times, and anything that is better than that will be a nice surprise.

But - remember that the "lovely" man you thought you knew was all an act. It wasn't the real him at all; it's the old smoke and mirrors thing.

At some point in the future, when you've had your baby and settled into your new and improved life, you might want to consider counselling to learn how to switch off your Twatsignal. Lots of people have a Twatsignal - I did for a while too! - it's something that you acquire over the years of being mistreated emotionally, and unfortunately new Twats can see it from a long way off and home in on it. So you need to learn how to lose it again and counselling can help with that. :)