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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
Mytimewillcomebutwhen · 09/02/2013 21:45

God waves, he really is an arse. I know you can't take it in right now, I know you're grieving what you thought you had but the man is just so unpleasant. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy and confident and settled with your children and I wish it for you with all my heart. Talk to as many people as possible cis I hope that RL support is more useful than me waffling away from afar. I hope you feel better soon both physically and emotionally. But he ain't a goodun is he?

Thumbwitch · 09/02/2013 21:51

Oh I wish I was anywhere near you to come and give you a big hug and get you to believe that NOTHING this twunt says is real. He is a LIAR. Self-absorbed, unempathic LIAR. Ignore him. Every little dig like this is a soul-sucking shaft, designed to deflate your sense of self-worth - every time he sees you wince, he gets that little kick of "winning" - he is a SHIT.

Xales · 09/02/2013 21:52

Can you not ask the hospital to prevent him coming to see you?

He has a captive audience for his shit and it sure as hell isn't helping you.

badinage · 09/02/2013 22:03

The thing is, this dick must have been a sexist tosser all his life.

No bloke comes out with fucknuggetry terms like 'wearing the trousers' or 'tantrums' in relation to a grown woman, out of nowhere and overnight.

That's why I'm interested in this 'unacceptable behaviour' Waves referred to, which she challenged before this all went belly-up.

I just bet this nasty little twerp hates feminists, thinks women's rights have gone too far - and I just bet he's a porn loser.

pinkbraces · 09/02/2013 22:06

He is such a wanker. You on the other hand are a strong and amazing woman. Your DC sound wonderful and that's because of you.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this, but you will get there and he will never be important to you again.

Sending you big hugs and support x

ScrambledSmegs · 09/02/2013 22:28

Just read your thread and have to say your 'D'H is an arse of gargantuan proportions. Not only is he a self-centred, self-obsessed chauvinist, he's an ignorant chauvinist.

Women in the UK did die because of HG when it wasn't treatable with modern medicine. Guess what thalidomide was used to treat? It wasn't normal morning sickness, it was HG. Women in 3rd world countries without access to treatment still die because of it. If you can't keep nutrients and fluids down and are not given them intravenously, what do you think happens? YOU DIE.

Charlotte Bronte is thought to have suffered from HG. She was four months pregnant when she died, and had suffered constant nausea and vomiting throughout her pregnancy. She was unable to tolerate food or even water. With thanks to Wikipedia

You probably know this anyway. It's shit for you, I'm so sorry and wish I could give you a big hug and magically make all the crap go away. But you've got rid of the biggest piece of crap by yourself, and you will be fantastic. Honestly, you will. Thanks

ScrambledSmegs · 09/02/2013 22:39

Ooh, that ^^ looks like a big load of patronising bollocks. Sorry, I didn't mean to be such a twat. I just meant to be a bit RAAH! about the minimising of 'wimmins problems' - because obviously if only women suffer from it, it can't be serious. Angry Angry Angry

aufaniae · 09/02/2013 22:53

ScrambledSmegs your post doesn't sound like patronising bollocks to me at all! I don't know much about HG except it sounds absolutely awful. Your post has given it some context; I'll understand better next time I hear someone has it now.

Of course I can't speak for the OP, but please don't doubt yourself! That was interesting and useful as well as kind and supportive.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 09/02/2013 23:05

Shame this arse bandit doesnt get a severe dose of the Norovirus and see how he likes yaking up all the time, i just wanna slap this man around the face with a burning hot frying pan, just makes me really mad.

hopefulgum · 09/02/2013 23:40

GregBishopsBottomBitch that sounds like a very good idea. Anyone got some norovirus-contaminated stools we could arrange to put into his food?

This man is an utter bastard. Waves, I have read this thread and there's so much great support on here. You sound like an amazingly strong woman. You need to rest and gather your strength (then divorce this horrible man).

PureQuintessence · 09/02/2013 23:42

Oh, please let him have Noro for 2 weeks straight!

I would personally send him a tub of puke.

Bogeyface · 10/02/2013 00:04

Here's an idea, if anyone gets Noro, PM the OP for his work address and send it to him special delivery :o

whosthis · 10/02/2013 00:25

Is waves feeling better?

Whitewineformeplease · 10/02/2013 05:50

Morning waves, hope you're feeling better this morning my lovely!

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 10/02/2013 05:50

Probably not, if she's been reading about all this crap and puke.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 10/02/2013 07:49

Morning everyone. Hospital beds are the least comfortable of places to sleep! I have a sore bum from the injections, a sore elbow from the cannula and a sore neck from the bed. Im sure it will all be worth it once I'm over this. Hard to type as on phone with left hand.... The twunt spent quite a while here yesterday but didn't talk to me, just used my phone to play games on Confused

Today I'm going to read my book and think about what work needs doing to make a downstairs room into a self contained bedsit so I can get that started and get some rental income sooner rather than later.

Kind of liking the norovirus ideas, but if he were to get it I know that in his eyes it would be serious and life threatening and nothing like HG.

OP posts:
BinarySolo · 10/02/2013 08:03

Hi waves. I second the person that suggested banning him from the hospital. I'm sure if you spoke to the midwife and told her what's going on that she might even suggest it.

More power games from him then, visits you to ignore you but plays games on YOUR phone. He really is a complete twat.

Hope you're feeling better. I know what you mean about hospital beds as I had 2 weeks when I was pregnant with ds. Got so little sleep that I came to the conclusion that hospitals are terrible places for ill people!

Take care and try to get some rest.

grumblinalong · 10/02/2013 08:49

Deary me. He obviously thinks he is doing his duty and visiting you in order to 'look right'. What an idiot playing on your phone.

Is your mum looking after the DC's? Keep accepting all offers of practical help because she sounds rubbish emotionally.

As for HG not being serious. I am so angry! I lost dd's twin due to HG. Every time I have had it it has decimated my life for 9 months. I hate it when people refer to it as morning sickness. It isn't anything like it. You don't get serious drugs like ondansetron, which is given to chemo patients to help with their sickness, if you're not Ill. Send him here waved, I'd love to deal with him. Take great care. X

AgathaF · 10/02/2013 08:50

Hope you're feeling a little better this morning waves. I agree with others, there is absolutely no point allowing him to the hospital to see you - it achieves nothing for you, apart from probably annoying you. Tell him to stay away.

Seabright · 10/02/2013 08:53

Have you spoken to the midwife yet? She really needs to know what is going on, and he needs to stop visiting.

On the lodger front, I'm currently looking into this too and am going to try for mature students (is that possible in Guernsey?) on the basis that if we don't hit it off there is a fixed end date, they'll be working harder and drinking less than "normal" students, also, the local college will help find them. Do I remember you work in Adult Ed? Might this suit you too? We have been told we could get up to £90 a week from each lodger.

Don't forget the first £4,200 is tax free income under the Rent-a-Room scheme.

duende · 10/02/2013 09:04

Morning waves, I hope you feel better today and don't have to suffer his presence. Are your DCs with your mum?
I second posters who said talk to your midwife, you'll get more support when she/they know what situation you're in.

Sleepybunny · 10/02/2013 09:27

I like what Charbon said

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 10/02/2013 11:16

Waves Tell the hospital to not allow him in, hes just trying to play games, make it clear to them, his stress will make you feel worse.

Thumbwitch · 10/02/2013 11:20

Waves, I agree that it might be a good idea to get the ward to prevent him from coming to see you. It's not like he's bringing anything positive to the situation and is quite possibly/probably exacerbating your condition - do talk to them.

Do you want your lodger to have their own kitchen and bathroom facilities or are you prepared to let them use the main house ones? To start with, it would be cheaper and easier to go with the latter option - and then maybe work on the former choice as you get the money coming in, I don't know.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 10/02/2013 11:27

morning waves speak to the staff, they dont have to say he is barred from visiting, just that you are not well enough for visitors at the moment when he comes calling. Wink

Nobody in their right mind would argue with a locked door and intercom.

And if he has to bring things in for you (which I doubt he would) the staff can take it from him and deliver to you.