So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

waves stop saying that, you couldn't have known what a tosser either H was, that doesn't make you a bad mother. 2nd marriage kaputt, well it's better now than years of deceit or conniving nastiness followed by him walking out. I wish CI were a damn sight nearer where I am, cos I'd be round putting out the bunting that this disrespectful nasty piece of work H has gone, good riddance to him.

Look at your beautiful children, remember the baby you're carrying was conceived in love, fleeting as it was. H for whatever reason changed his tune. Maybe he always was a colossal prick. Of course he knows your back history, everything hurtful he throws at you is with knowledge of what you trustingly told him.

Dry your eyes, take some cleansing deep breaths. You are allowed wobbly moments, that's natural, you're not a fraud love.

Oh waves

I don't know what to say. I wish I culd hold your hand and tell you it's going to all be alright. I wish I could bring you water and pills and take your sickness away.

Your DCs obviously think the world of you and they will think of what a strong thing you have done and what a wonderful mum you are, I'm sure of it.

Please don't blame yourself. You have completely done the right thing - HE is the wanker here, you are not to blame.

Oh waves I wish I was there to give you a big RL hug.

I would love to be your friend in RL - you sound amazing. When you say "I don't have friends" it sounds like you are somehow blaming yourself or thinking that you are somehow not worth being friends with... well that is a load of rubbish. Maybe through this you will find that some of the people you are asking for help will become friends...

(((hugs)))

You are not rubbish or a failure. You cannot be held responsible for your H's sudden personality change.

I think you would feel more positive about things if you didn't feel so physically crap at the moment. Either HG or marriage break down are massive things to cope with on their own, but together - just so, so tough, I should think.

Be kind to yourself and take comfort by how much happier your children are.

No, this is what you're conditioned to think. It isn't the truth at all.

The truth is that you can do this on your own again, just like you did before. It won't be easy, but it won't be forever either. When life looks this bleak, it's easy to think it will be this challenging forever. But this is as bad as it gets - the point when you are still in a state of disbelief and shock and you're physically unwell.

When the most urgent and pressing issues are resolved; your health, the divorce/separation, the finances/accommodation and your new baby's arrival into the world - then it would be worth taking stock about how your life and the hand it dealt you enabled you to arrive at this point. That analysis will help you with your future life choices and it will be essential - but it can wait for now.

You have clearly been trained to believe that if only you were more of something, or better at something, you will be loved. The absence of unconditional love from a parent has set you up to be this way, even in the face of truly disgusting treatment of you and your children by the men in your life.

Try to apply this to your own children now, including your unborn child. To stay with a man who treats them badly because he doesn't love their mother, repeats the cycle to an extent. Your mother is likely to be this way because she repeated a cycle somewhere in her own childhood.

You are stronger than that - and stronger than you think. You can stop the cycle.

It is crystal clear that this man's wooing of you ticked all the red flags of an emotional abuser. It doesn't matter if this is a lesson learnt in hindsight, as long as it's learnt. Later on you can analyse why it happened.

For now, concentrate on getting well and keeping him out of your lives.

You are not rubbish or a failure - just not taught how to choose good relationships by your parents. I'm on husband number 3 & we are currently living apart. I have 4 DCs. I thought too I was a failure but actually I've finally learnt that I don't choose good men. You are strong because you've brought your DCs up well & you'll be a good mum to this baby too. You are not the ONLY parent - their fathers are responsible too. And they did let their kids down - you stuck around!!

Waves You failed at NOTHING, You've let NO ONE, people have let YOU down.

Your children are gonna learn a brilliant lesson from you, dont let people take you for a fool.

Your mother is totally self centred, she should be grateful to have you as a daughter.

You are brilliant, amazing, strong and able, your kids will be proud to have you as their mum.

Im a single mum, and its hard at times, but me and my daughter have a bond that people will never penetrate, she comes to me for love and support and gives it back, that makes it easier.

Start telling yourself I'm Waves and i dont take bullshit.

Hi Waves. You must be in such shock and disappointment. It's good to let out the sadness but please, never, never, never say that you are a failure or not good enough. As Charbon explained above, there are doubtless roots to why you think this way.

You have been the victim of this man due to the complete opposite of being not good enough. He has seen your talent, your capability, your conscientiousness, your financial stability, all those things he would want for himself but is incapable of - he has tried to make himself into what you are but cannot, he hence needs to destroy what he sees, to "wear the trousers", to convince himself you are nothing but a drama queen so he can believe he is better. You are onto something I'm sure about DSS's upset being a catalyst here, he needs to be a hero in front of his sons and cannot bear that the illusion is shaken (I completely expect him to handle his DCs' teen years appallingly).

Your DC are pleased that he is gone. Hang onto this too. There would be a real risk that he would undermine them so that he could convince himself that his own DC are "better".

Seems he probably dumped OW because you were more impressive to him. I would imagine she is very angry with you for this and hence why she was quite cruel in her text. She might be fighting a battle to win him in a misplaced attempt to regain her self-esteem. No need to give her another thought other than hoping she might find some room for him to get him off your back. He is I suppose planning to see her on Valentine's so that he can go into complete fantasy mode and deny all his responsibilities and the trail of destruction he leaves behind him.

The loss you are feeling now after having experienced being looked after and then so cruelly treated will be tremendously hard to bear. You can bear it though. Reach out to all those people who you wonder if they might help, find out who responds and keep them in your life. You know you will be there for them one day when you are strong enough. He is a fantasist but one day you will meet someone who can give love for real rather than put on a mask that finally exhausts them so they move to destroy.

Meanwhile, as others have said, boundaries are vital here. Keep all contact practical and matter of fact, do not engage in discussions about emotions.

I suppose there's no point saying you shouldn't feel the way you're feeling, because I felt the same. It is very probably part of coming to terms with the marriage you had/thought you had. It is a distorted view but as conscientious parents we do run through the part where we take responsibility for what has happened. You can't have known your H was this type of person waves. YOu have enough on your plate without plumbing these depths right now. Your toxic family history will have a lot of bearing on your choice of partner now; and two shit partners suggests your family of origin stuck some shitty beliefs in you which are playing out. That isn't your fault, you were a victim each time. yy some work to be done at a later date to peel back those layers to oink out the shit beliefs but that is for another day, not today.

Dry your eyes, you're a great mum - evidenced by your dc's peace that they are with you and the interloper has gone; also evidenced by your readiness to take responsibility for the current situation. Go easy, it's not as you think, really it isn't.

You have enough to be dealing with sweetheart. Get your sweet self well and put to one side the recriminations and processing for now xxx

Eyes are dry...not sure I have any left!

He hasn't texted at all to ask how I am. At least on a basic human level, if you knew someone was really poorly and likely facing readmission to hospital, you would enquire, wouldn't you? And the fact that he hasn't is because he is not nice says the logical part of my mind, but the other part is saying that I have made his life such hell and I am so despicable, that he can't bear to contemplate me anymore. Or because I was so cold to him when he came for his things.

I have to stop analysing everything, it just hurts, and I feel pretty alone, even with my DCs here.

waves, I so so so want to dash to you and so so so want to hold your hands

My eyes are wet reading your messages. You are a very brave woman who stands up for her children and who chose to be wise and cut off the rotten bit of life component.

It is painful. All of us can feel it. And I really really want to help! Do you mind to let some of us to call you? Just for some comforting words and reassurance?

I am short of practical advice to give, but I really really want to mentally support you. If you can't bare to let your friends openly know this as they are people around you, perhaps you could accept us as strangers to come closer to comfort you on the phone?

waves, it hurts for us to see you suffering and really really want to help you get through this!

Well done, really, you are doing so so well. Be proud of yourself, look at how you are coping and making the right decisions and protecting yourself & dc. So really, well done.

It must be so so hard, & you probably feel like a gibbering shell shocked wreck BUT in spite of that you are surviving & planning. Am so impressed with you!

Keep your chin up & when you aren't reading from us that you are being amazing, try and tell yourself that too.

waves - dont allow yourself to go down this emotional road although it is hard not too. the man so far has shown himself to be a total cock and now he will be thinking that he wants to punish you and he will do that by totally ignoring you. hes doing it deliberately to show you who is boss. you have to be strong now for your kids and dont give him an inch. for now he has gone and your lawyer has told you that everything will be fine. just take each day as it comes take baby steps and treat yourself gently. detach from him as much as you can. he made his own decisions over last week (s) he is an adult and has made his bed. let him go and spend quality time with your kids this weekend, dont take any of his calls and certainly dont get him any glasses of water what an utter knobhead!!! sorry you are going through this

Oh also, it's NOT TRUE that you could be deserving this behaviour in any way- banish thought now! I suspect you would not treat a stranger like this, nor an acquaintance, nor a rather annoying colleague, nor someone who's downright nasty to you.

So why are you trying to find a reason to make his behaviour ok? It's sometimes harder to believe that the person in front of us is That Cruel, than it is to search for a reason, even if that reason is blaming yourself.

Poor you OP, it's so shocking he's changed his behaviour so much so quickly, and he's ruined now and your plans for the future. But please try & realise that you didn't do anything to deserve his behaviour... He's not reacting to you, he's behaving like an abusive twunt because is IS an abusive twunt.

when your world changes this much it's hard not to look inside yourself for a reason, something you can change back or control, or redeem. It's a normal, human, emotional reaction to the intense trauma you have been experiencing. I know at times I raked over my behaviour looking for my 'faults'. But ultimately you don't have any that have caused this situation.

Your ex is not reacting like a normal empathetic person, because he isn't one. He's not the man he wanted you to believe he was - the man you are seeing now is the real deal. He's messed up, and wants to mess you up too. With every new disappointment remind yourself that he's adding weights to your feet, trying to drag you down to his level.

You do not have to sink. We are here to hold you up, and will do so for as long as you need (weeks, months, a year!). This too shall pass and one day (sooner than you can possibly imagine now) you will wake up and not feel sick, not feel hurt, not really feel anything for him at all.

Hang in there x

This is not your fault.

This is not your fault.

This is not your fault.

This is not your fault.

This is not your fault.

This is not your fault.

This is not your fault.

Ok, now print that out, enlarge it, and stick up copies of it in every room, and read it aloud to yourself every day.

Far from having failed, you have succeeded very very fast in something it takes many women years to do. You have rid yourself of an abusive bastard, who would have made every day of your life more and more miserable, until you had become a mere shadow, desperate to please him. That's what you've saved yourself and your children from. You have done something amazing for you all.

Things are hard now. Take small steps - you've made a great start by seeing the solicitor, and now you know where you stand, and you no longer have to worry about completely losing the roof over your heads.

You will take another step. And another. And another. And before you know it, you'll be running, leaping and bounding through your life with your lovely children giggling and shrieking with laughter beside you.

Small steps lead to big things.

what Jux said, completely!

You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the next step and trust that you are climbing x

waves just remember this is the fucker who wouldnt bring his pregnant wife a CUP OF TEA upstairs, and think you are not ill.

Dont you dare think you deserve this treatment. You wouldnt take it from a friend so dont accept it from him either.

He is a lowlife piece of shit and I wouldnt spit on him if he was on fire.

waves honestly do not underestimate how your health is impacting on your state of mind. I'm susceptible to internalising stuff too and in the throes of HG I thought some terrible stuff. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your situation is down to one persons actions. Not yours, your H's. He is a grade one bastard. You have to accept this and just take each day , focus on the here and now. Don't look forward or back. Just focus on surviving.

At a basic human level, he probably would be kinder and more humane to a stranger, because he'd have no guilt towards that person and wouldn't need to demonise her in order to achieve his objectives.

Although I've got no doubt that what you're seeing now is the real him - and the earlier version was a facade he managed to keep up for 14 months - it is depressingly common for some people having affairs to demonise the original partner, as a means of sidestepping their own guilt. Such characters have very undeveloped personalities and see people in one-dimensional terms. If there are strong positive feelings for the new person, it requires equally strong negative feelings for the old. It is illogical and irrational because nothing about you has changed at all. You were the same person in September when all appeared to be well, as you are now. What's made the difference in the interim is his involvement elsewhere, which has got nothing to do with you or any choices you made.

I think whoever he currently wants to be with is awarded heroine status, while at the same time awarding the one he wants to discard, she-devil status. I agree that at about the time he was heroising you, some other woman was being demonised, but you didn't know that.

I can't concentrate enough to name check, but yes my health is impacting hugely, and doubtless making me feel even sadder. I was on IV fluids until 3pm Wednesday. Since then I have not kept anything much down at all. I am alone at home with my DCs and cannot do anything at all about this tonight, but I need you lovely mumsnetters to kick me up the arse if I haven't logged on to say that I have called the maternity ward (as I promised to do when discharged) in the morning.

Truth is, I know deep down I should be heading back to hospital. The needles aren't the scariest thing though. I have always been haunted by an episode from my pg with DD when I was admitted with HG and abdominal pains. exH was at the pub at the time, but on the phone he said he was coming up. I sat up all evening, forcing myself to stay awake until 1am when a midwife came to see me, and said that I had to accept he wasn't coming, and that I needed to sleep. I cried and cried that night.

My husband knows about this, because we talked about these kind of things, and for me, that was the moment I realised that my first marriage was completely over. And we talked about how this pg would be such a positive experience, whatever happened, because I would never be in that position. And now I am in that position. So I don't want to go to hospital, because I know that he won't come, and I'll be waiting again, and crying (although my tears aren't working now).

It hurts that his mum and sister haven't called to ask after me. They know how ill I am. So I guess I have been demonised to them already. My husband needs to paint a picture to set up his "new life" doesn't he, and that means making me the demon to all his friends and family, so he doesn't get castigated.

I've not been perfect. We have disagreed over what is acceptable behaviour, and I have shouted, and I have stormed off. His children say that they hate me and hate my children. I am not "fun" anymore.

This has turned into another essay, but I need to go and lie down now, try to sleep.

Oh waves, I can feel your pain coming through. You are NOT alone. I'm all the way on the other side of the world here in oz, but when I got up this morning with the baby, the first thing I did was switch on my computer so I could see how you are. WE are thinking of you, and rooting for you. We can tell from your posts what an awesome person you are. And we are just strangers on the Internet! Please talk to your friends in RL, I am sure they would want to help, I know I would if I was there. I'm new here and I know we're not supposed to send hugs for some reason but I don't care! ((((Hugs!!!)))

Waves, let all those people, his mum, sister, his kids, go for the time being. If they truly believe any lies he says about you, they are not worth bothering about. All of these toxic people in your life need to go, you need to only have around you positive, supportive people. Don't worry about what they are thinking, you have no control over that. Concentrate of yourself, your health and your babies, they, and you, are the most important people.

I know waves when I was hospitalised with DS1's HG I was pregnant by someone I'd known 8 weeks and who broke my arm when the test turned positive. I remember laying there crying, with collapsed veins and a really low bp and a disapproving family and a nurse said to me 'This baby will be the making of you, don't give up.' She was so, so right.

I'm not at all religious or much of a hippy but I do believe that this baby and this situation is a test that you will overcome and some good will come from it. No one can see what the good will be but it will be there in the end. This too shall pass.

I don't know what to say other than if it helps to get it all written down on here then it may stop it from running endlessly though your head overnight when you should be resting. So keep on dumping your thoughts on here - we're listening xx