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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
olgaga · 08/02/2013 13:20

Whoops SpareRoom.co.uk.

letsgetreadytoramble · 08/02/2013 13:27

We have a mega complicated heating system too, probably not the same one as yours, but if it has 2 arrows on the right hand side, hold them both down at the same time for 4 seconds to turn it off again :0)

olgaga · 08/02/2013 13:27

Doh! Hosting Foreign Students info here. A friend of mine did this, she really enjoyed it.

aufaniae · 08/02/2013 13:46

We have mature student lodgers too. It's worked well for us.

grumblinalong · 08/02/2013 14:02

Well done and waves! You are doing so well. I can't believe you are having to deal with this and hyperemesis at the same time. There is a HG support thread in pregnancy section, they are lovely and nothing is tmi as you can imagine. It was a god send for me and I didn't have yr twatty h to deal with. Keep checking yr ketone to check yr not getting dehydrated-you buy ketostix pee sticks online. Try ice lollies to try keeping yr fluids up. Take great care. What meds did they release you from hospital with? X

grumblinalong · 08/02/2013 14:03

Sorry my phone seemed to change that last post to text speakConfused

BinarySolo · 08/02/2013 14:04

Well done waves! Great news about the house.

I haven't long moved to a new area so have several acquaintances but no close friends, but if any of them confided in me that they were going through what you are, I'd be there to help in a shot. Don't feel you're imposing in people. I'm sure they'd like to have the opportunity to help out.

Scootee · 08/02/2013 14:06

It sure if this is helpful, but when I had hyperemesis, I was signed off work for my entire pregnancy. My employer understood that I was ill and it did not jeopardise my job. Part of the battle is not feeling guilty about the job, you need to remember that it isn't your fault that you got hyperemesis.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 08/02/2013 14:07

Waves I really do admire you, i wish had that strength to kick my twunt out, if i had i'd be happier.

But, you've been so amazing and strong, your children now what an amazing mummy they have, so enjoy that little glow of pride, you deserve it.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 08/02/2013 14:14

Quick update before I try for another hour's snooze! The twunt turned up an hour ago and collected the bag of stuff I spent the morning packing. Then said "oh I need my boots too" which I went and got, and then "Oh, I want a glass of water whilst I am here" He barged into the kitchen and got one. I went into another room. Then he left. Didn't ask how I was or anything.

I packed ALL his pants and socks, and plenty of t shirts, and even his suit for this "work trip" on Valentine's Day so he shouldn't need to come back for a while. And I packed up the DSSs xbox and the games so they can play on that when they see their dad next. I was FURIOUS as I found the call of duty black ops 2 games in DSS1's bedroom which he has clearly been playing. Twunt promised me there would be no 18 games in the house. (DSS is just turned 10 fgs, DSS 2 is 8, as is my DS, and this was another of our "blended family/parenting dilemmas" causing problems)

I'd left all the stuff in the car, and he still had to come into the house. Grrrrr.

Argh, anyway, back for a lie down - I'm on what is meant to be the best anti-emetic medication, ondansetron, but it is no good at the moment as I am being sick so much that I can't keep the tablets down.

OP posts:
BinarySolo · 08/02/2013 14:22

What a twat. Sounds like he's a bit lost. He's realised that he hasn't got any power over you but it still trying to make out that everything's on his terms, hence the water.

I bet he's seething that you haven't begged him to stay and are calling the shots.

Your best revenge is to have a bloody good life, which you're well on the way to now you've rid yourself of that complete arse badger. You should rightfully be proud of yourself. Pat on the back and big hug from me. Now sleep!

springyhopes · 08/02/2013 14:24

ah, now, he can't come into the house once the details are sorted. All the 'i need my boots/glass of water' business was rubbish - he was just letting you know who was boss and that he could violate your space if he chose.

You must make it clear who is boss. it's not him.

what about, is it startrite? or is that shoes lol. I don't know, that org that supports families with young children. Homestart? something like that.

bless you. I do hope you get some joy with the meds soon xx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/02/2013 14:29

The 'big man' lording it over the 'little' woman... in his dreams.

You've achieved masses already today, put your feet up now.

Charbon · 08/02/2013 14:29

So pleased you've been advised of your rights waves and that this has given you reassurance about your future financial security.

This might sound odd, but I hope that he continues to behave this way because it will help with your resolve. What you've said about being a child of a toxic parent is hugely relevant. People who've had parenting like this often spend their adult lives trying for a different ending and it means that they stay in relationships long past their sell-by date, often putting up with extraordinarily bad behaviour in their quest to have 'on paper' a relationship that hasn't ended badly.

It's significant and poignant that when he changed tack, you were vulnerable to that false 'niceness' when the more objective posters could see that his behaviour was only motivated by his own objectives to retain an interest in the house and to have a place for his children. I'm guessing he's found out himself that he's got no claim on the house and so has reverted to Mr. Nasty. Did your solicitor give you any advice about what to do about the locks in the meantime, or asking your husband for his keys?

dawntigga · 08/02/2013 14:33

You have space now regardless of the Twunty Games you STBXH is going for gold in.

Erm, small thing, do you think you could pop some shampoo in for him when he comes to get all his stuff next time? If some Immac (other hair removers are available) should happen to get in there that would be fun Wink

You need to change the locks now so he can't get in and put your foot down should he try again.

AndYesActuallyIReallyWouldDoThatTiggaxx

springyhopes · 08/02/2013 14:33

When I answered the door to my ex he pushed past me, strode into the house and turned down the heating. Pathetic attempt to dominate.

grumblinalong · 08/02/2013 14:34

Oh waves. Ondansetron didn't work for me either and it's the last line anti emetic. Rubbish. Are you managing any food? If yr really struggling with after school can you think about a 2 hours mothers help? Just get dc's food prepped?

I think twunt is obviously seeing his control slipping so is being an ultra knobber. The stress will be making yr HG worse. Acupuncture helped me a little, I was very cynical beforehand but felt a little better the day after so I could keep fluid down. I wish I could come down and help you. The thought of HG and twunt together...

Abitwobblynow · 08/02/2013 16:08

You are showing SO much strength and resolve, any chance of bottling it and selling it?

I would like to second what Charbon said. I am on a course at the moment and we were given a case study of a couple. I saw the wife's [slight] pathology, and fell completely for the man's POV, thought he was quite reasonable and sympathetic.

Then they mentioned his slight pathology that he was narcissistic and playing a little bit of a victim card.

I felt really bad and a bit useless. But of course, given my history, would I fall for the narcissist line.

Abitwobblynow · 08/02/2013 16:08

So MN is the general consensus that she can change the locks now????

Midwife99 · 08/02/2013 16:18

Yes you need to ask lawyer re changing locks & I think under the circumstances he can fuck off to the far end of fuck regarding furniture!!

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 08/02/2013 16:21

Oh goodness, my resolve seems to have disappeared with my nap Sad

I don't want this to be happening. I hated being a single mum, I hate being so lonely all the time, and I am going to have to take on MORE work to pay the mortgage and all the bills, which will isolate me further. I don't want to have 3 children with no dad. This was meant to be my happy beginning, the marriage, and the baby. My head is all over the place. A lack of blood sugar is not helping I know, but there is nothing I can do about that because I can't stop being sick!

I play at so many weddings and I want to cancel all my bookings because I can't face the thought of having to see happy people in love. Of course I won't, I won't let people down like that. I don't want to have to be pregnant by myself, I don't want to give birth without my husband being there. I don't want to be this sick and alone, and I just don't want any of this to be real.

I don't want to be the always strong one, I was the always strong one for years and years after exH left me with a 22 month old and a 4 month old. I want my happy ending back, I want to be wrapped up in a hug, and buying baby things together, and I want him to be able to feel the baby move.

And none of that is going to happen. I am an abject failure. I am a rubbish daughter, I failed my DCs when my first marriage ended, and now I have failed them again as well as this baby. Why can't I make things work? What is so terribly wrong? I am beating myself up for being precious yesterday, but I just wanted to have a hug, and to feel like he actually cared about me. And he couldn't give me that.

I'm crying so much I am probably dehydrating myself even more, so i can't even hold in the tears for the sake of my health. I should have ignored all the parenting disputes, and ignored the disrespect. Why did I think I deserved more? And now I have lost everything.

I'm not strong, I am a fraud.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 08/02/2013 16:25

Awwww, Waves, big hug. One moment at a time.

So sorry for your pain. xxx

CheeseStrawWars · 08/02/2013 16:29

You may not want to be the strong one, but you are strong. A marriage might break up, but sometimes the greater failing is not acting to get out of a bad situation. You say "I should have ignored all the parenting disputes, and ignored the disrespect" but you said yourself your DC seem happier now he's gone. I hope you feel better soon. You will get through this.

Xales · 08/02/2013 16:31

You are a long way from a rubbish mum. You are showing your DC that they deserved to be loved and respected or respectful and what is unacceptable.

I think you have a rubbish mother rather than being a rubbish daughter. Try visiting the stately homes thread.

I think your mother has conditioned you. It is to your credit you are strong enough to say no more.

Get yourself some counselling I bet it will open your eyes with regards to your mother and how that has affected your choice on men.

Mytimewillcomebutwhen · 08/02/2013 16:37

Oh waves no you aren't a failure. You're ill and tired and have been let down by a horrible man and your mum is simply awful but you haven't failed your children. Dear me no. Remember you told us how much happier they were once He left? You are a lovely lady who is being kicked when she's down but who is still managing to do everything necessary to keep her family in their house.

Don't cry lovey x

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