So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

Oh waves, a complete bastard isn't he?

That your children are glad he's gone says everything. Remember it, if you ever waver.

Onward and upward. Life will improve for you now. We just have to get you eating again

It's very telling that your children are happy he's gone. I wish I lived near you so I could help. xx

Not to nag you much ....but you do need to tell someone in real life now.
Even if you don't want to give all the details, you need to let someone know what's going on incase you're readmitted to hospital again.

Ive told someone. Was painful and I didn't intend to, but she called to see how I was and it all came out. She said what an arsehole he is. So, I guess that really is the general consensus. Keeping my focus on my DCs and the baby - it is clearly the best thing for them isn't it, him going I mean.

Waves, I'm sorry. Poor you at a time when you need help and support. What arse....even a half decent ba**ard would have waited until you were physically well.

You have been incredibly strong. You do have it in you to cope. You will be fine and your DC better for this.

I really wish I could come and scoop you up in a big hug. If there is anything at all you need that we can do, please let us know. People from MN sent me everything from nursing bra's to a pram for my DS2 during my worst times... there's really nothing practical that the goodwill of MN will not provide if you need it (and honestly, we all wish we could send a house elf and fairy godmother too!!) except perhaps a personality makeover for your ex :( Don't be shy to ask. Please accept any help that is offered to you - it would be given freely with love from anyone on here xx

Can I ask am I the only cynic that believes that the working away over night next week coincidentally on valentines didn't actually have anything to do with real work at all?

I would use this as an opportunity. I know you are poorly now but once you are back on your feet, make a fresh start and take small steps to do the things you want to do. It will be an exciting time with the new baby coming. Sod numbnuts! Think about you and the two little ones you have. Thankgod you havent had to put up with his little horrors anymore. Take time out for you.

It's tough now but will get a lot better with time.

You need a lawyer.
He has a responsibility to house you and the baby, you will be entitled to a lot more than he thinks, I reckon.

Unbelievable that he called your DS 'rude' having allowed his to tell you to 'shut up'

Can I ask am I the only cynic that believes that the working away over night next week coincidentally on valentines didn't actually have anything to do with real work at all?

No.

bastard

Hoping the lawyer will be in touch first thing tomorrow. I sent an email earlier.

Spoke to my mum who was soooo unhelpful. She just went on about how this was out of order, and put me on a huge guilt trip about my DCs. So now I am feeling guilty, and even more unsupported and alone. She has her issues, I know, but I'm really ill, and still, it is too much of a hurdle to actually be supportive of her own daughter. She says I am going to lose my job because I am sick, and had nothing nice or remotely helpful to say.

I know, I KNOW that things will get easier once I have spoken to a lawyer, but right now I have never felt so alone.

You def need legal advice. I'm not sure that you can be forced to sell the house because of the children and the baby, but I'm no legal expert and you need to find out for sure your rights.

Do you have a joint account. Or credit cards? Get all this checked out and let more rl fried a know, they can then support you properly

What a twunt, one day he'll realise this.

Your mum sounds great. Unfortunately it doesn't sound as though your going to get the support you need from her so you need to stop asking her for help, it'll just make you feel worse.

at your mum! What was "out of order" exactly?

That was your mum's chance to step forward and support you, and she blew it. Maybe you will forgive her one day. For the time being just block out her negativity, take what help with the DCs she is willing to offer, and process your relationship with her layer.

((hug))

Surround yourself with people who can offer you support and, more importantly, practical support. I cannot understand why your mother would speak to you like that but I think it would be best to avoid contact until you are feeling better. Unless things are very different in Guernsey, you won't lose your job because you are ill.

*later

You wont lose your job, not allowed to sack pregnant women, its against the rules, so ignore your mother, and dont go to her, and when she wants support dont give it, start thinking about and the dcs, everyone else doesnt matter right now.

Waves my love you could do with a Doula to make this pregnancy, birth and postnatal period much more easy on you do you can enjoy it. Anita Davis is a good Doula who will do this for you and is close to you so can easily be your unconditional never failing rock through this storm helping you with the physical practicalities as well as fully supporting you emotionally. She would hold your hand throughout birth Make it so that you are not reliant on him at all. Your mother has clearly got her own issues and you need maternity support which is reliable x

He was a bastard in hiding. Long term it's good that he is gone, especially since your children are happy about it.

Please, reach out to people. People want to help, it's human instinct, so let them. Friends, other parents from school/nursery, your health visitor may be able to put you in touch with help, your midwife, teachers/head teacher from school, whoever. I am sure people will surprise you.

Do you have any other family apart from your mum?

This is the worse bit, but you are on the road to normality now.

waves am delurking as I am almost as shocked at your 'D'M's behaviour as your 'D'H's. Well done getting him out of there - it's a big step, it's the best thing you could have done, as evidenced by your DCs.

Now you need to cut ties with your mother. You know you have friends in RL who will support you - she won't, she will just poison you. Cut her off, it's for the best. She doesn't deserve you.

For the rest of it I can only agree with everyone else - get legal advice, work steadily towards sorting out the finances, and may I add - be kind to yourself? You have shown yourself to be a strong, wonderful person.

Can I suggest - if you can face it - that while you have a bit of time at home and he is not there, take the opportunity to get all your financial stuff out and have a good look, take notes if you can.

Don't forget that if he refuses to pay his half of the mortgage you might remind him that it's his credit rating at stake too!