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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
CartedOff · 07/02/2013 13:25

He sounds downright odd. "The way I acted is just my method of communication and oh yeah, now I'm going to take pictures of your baby bump every day!" Creepy little weird man.

The others are right. Boundaries- mile high, made of rock and impenetrable by fuckwits boundaries.

Don't engage with him.

Xales · 07/02/2013 13:26

What a vile excuse for a human being this man is.

He was googling late as abortions and now thinks he can play nice and have personal bonding pictures of your growing bump!

Keep reading this thread as a reminder and using the fab women here if you feel confused.

Good luck.

cenicienta · 07/02/2013 14:54

If you stay with him he will try to control you for the rest of your life!

This isn't ever going to change!

lalalonglegs · 07/02/2013 14:59

Even if you thought he was truly contrite, would you really want to stay married to a man who admits that this is his usual pattern of behaviour when things don't go his way Hmm?

Jux · 07/02/2013 15:05

I think he communicated extremely well with you, don't you?

He allows his children to treat you like shit.
He regretted getting you pregnant, and told you so.
He made no effort to help you as you became increasingly ill.
He put on a show of caring husband in front of hospital staff.
He didn't care for you when you were discharged the first time.
He wasn't going to sleep on the sofa as your being ill was irrelevant.
He doesn't care that his very sick, pg wife can't rest due to the noise his kids are making.
he tells his very sick, pg wife that he wants to separate.
He tells her he won't leave the house.
He tells her while she's in hospital for the second time that he expects it to be sold.

Truly excellent communication, actually. You know exactly what you are in for, waves.

porridgeLover · 07/02/2013 15:21

Excellent summary Jux. Words may lie. Actions don't.

Writehand · 07/02/2013 16:42

I'm delurking, having read the thread. Tbh, I'm not as horrified as most posters by him googling "late abortion" - he's already had one relationship with kids go down the tubes. Could've been just freaking out, fear of the future, fear of failing (again), even nice blokes panic. It could've been a short burst of high angst, Waves. And if women ditched every bloke who ever looked up porn we'd nearly all be single.

What totally changed my mind was this:

He asked why HE should be the one to sleep on the sofa. I said, well, I am pregnant and have hyperemesis, and he said so what. In the end, he went off to the sofa, but only after arguing.

It's such a basic, basic thing. You're pregnant, of course you get the bed. If you weren't pregnant, just ill, of course you get the bed. His attitude is utterly heartless. No decent human would react like that. To contemplate a shared life with a man like that is chilling. You can't do it.

And the list you posted, Waves, about why you loved him. Men who are too perfect when they court you scare me. They're fake. This guy is a sociopath. A psychologist friend tells me there are far more of them around than we realise, because most of the bright ones stay within the law. But they go through life causing the most appalling fallout. Social workers see a lot of what they cause.

My small amount of legal knowledge tells me you mustn't dream of moving out. Stay put like a limpet. Tell him you can't even discuss the house until after the baby's born. Possession really is 9/10th of the law.

LiveItUp · 07/02/2013 16:57

OK - so he wants all to be ok again between you. May I suggest you use this to your advantage and ask him to move out to his Mums for "a few days" to give you some breathing space to get over his shocking behaviour.

Call me a cynic, but it's more likely he's realised (or been advised if he's been taking advice) that if he's kicked out that he'll get nothing from the house and have to pay maintenance towards his new child, so he has nothing to lose from trying the nice guy act and trying to cling on.

Pleased your out and feeling a little stronger. Keep taking all the help around you as you're still far from well and have so much on your plate. Take care.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 07/02/2013 17:35

Dear Waves, glad you're home and hope you are getting some rest.

I'm glad he's at least apologised. Now, this can be used to your advantage. Along the lines of:

"Did you mean that apology? You did? Well, good, now don't go and ruin it by trying to call the shots and talking bollocks about photographing the bump. If you meant your apology then you need to find out what I need from you now. Do you actually want to know what I need, or were your words just empty? If you do mean it then I need you to go and stay elsewhere so I can look after myself, think about what I want to do and try to recover from what you've just put me through. You at least owe me this courtesy."

  • sort of thing.

I think he's just realised he has nowhere convenient to be with his dcs, and he's expecting you to fall in line so he doesn't have to address this difficulty.

Will be thinking of you waves, and wishing you strength.

Jux · 07/02/2013 17:47

Or perhaps his ex has torn him off a strip and threatened to withhold contact ...

None of us know what's behind his apparent change of heart. The one thing we all seem to have in common though is that we don't believe it's genuine. Sad

wavesandsmiles · 07/02/2013 18:42

He's gone.

He was shitty to me by text today, announced he was likely to be "on a work trip" next week (overnight on Valentine's Day) then when he got in he offered to make me a cup of tea but wouldn't bring it upstairs. Then proceeded to start cooking himself a meal. He knew I'd not eaten all day, and was feeling crap. Maybe I was being precious, but it upset me. I could have done with him being nice, and being with me. Then I got downstairs to help my DCs with their homework and he is just being cold and distant, again. I flipped after he told DS he lacked any manners and was a rude little boy. I threw his dinner in the bin and said enough was enough and he had to go.

He said, if I go, that is that. Well, I said, that is what I want.

He's gone. I need to see a lawyer tomorrow. He said he will be back next week for all his stuff. I need to get lodgers in or something to pay the mortgage. I have so much I need to do and my bloody ketones are still high (well they were when I was discharged from hospital and as I have kept nothing down, there will be no improvement there)

I want to cry, and I am shit scared about what will happen next. But he is gone. My DCs are happy that he is gone. That says a lot, and reassures me.

I'm so scared Sad

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 07/02/2013 18:53

Blimey, he didn't last that long - now you know he never meant his "apology".

You will be fine now that you are free of him x

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 07/02/2013 18:55

Phew! Glad you managed to get him out. How he prepared a meal for himself and would not even bring a cup of tea upstairs to you just beggars belief, it really does.

Am sorry you are feeling so bloody awful, but at least you can now think in peace. And your dcs are glad he's gone, too which does make things a bit easier.

Deep breaths, waves, and now just one thing at a time, starting with lawyer tomorrow.

Do cry if you want to, though, it's fine to have a cry and let some of this out. Then you and your dcs can snuggle down and you can get some rest.

Very well done, waves, in extremely difficult circumstances Thanks

WingDefence · 07/02/2013 18:57

Fuck waves, what a day. You need to get some RL support as all the advice and hand-holding on here (as much as we are willing you through the power of MN) won't help if you are too ill, hospitalised and have all this stress as well.

But I can hear some relief coming through your post too. Think of your DCS- including the one that's growing inside you at the moment.

It's a brave new dawn and your lives will be great Thanks

Midwife99 · 07/02/2013 19:28

Oh honey - we are here to help - practically as well as in a cyber way!! Where are you?

Midwife99 · 07/02/2013 19:30

And you will survive - you are a mum & a bloody brave woman!!

wordyBird · 07/02/2013 19:33

Oh... no, it's definitely not precious to expect a partner to make food for you when you're sick and hungry. You'd do it for a flatmate, a neighbour, a friend, anyone you knew who needed your help. Your expectations are way too low :( ..

But - hurray for you, you stood up for your son, and got the deadweight out! 'If I go, that is that' - how ..breathtakingly arrogant he is.

Now.. WingDefence has spoken much sense on this thread and she's right again. Keep in touch with your friends, and your doctor - because with the best and strongest will in the world, you can't see a lawyer or do anything else much if you're fainting from weakness and sickness. Take care of yourself, any way you know how. Thanks

whosthis · 07/02/2013 19:33

waves,youaresosobrave!!!

And thanks to his high-regarding to himself, he couldn't manage to fake being nice a bit longer. The result is that you know clearly that you made up your mind! Children have very sharp six sense and if they are happy he's gone, it probably tells something!

But waves, please, please, please, this is the stage you need to have your friends step in to offer some help. It's for your own good and for the sake of your DCs and the little life in your tummy. Please don't feel shy and let them know you would be needing help in the next few months. Good people, not even necessary to be your close friend, would be willing to help. Not the time to feel shy and you can always return their favor later!

And yes, get a lawyer and get to know what you should do/should not.

Well done, waves! New page now! We are here to hold your hands whenever you need! Brew

wavesandsmiles · 07/02/2013 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whosthis · 07/02/2013 19:38

waves, it is not easy but yes, you will be fine

And yes, your DS is a very smart boy. He's right: forget about the plan and deal with the reality. We never know what happens tomorrow which means it might lead to a better future in the end. You never know!

But at this stage, please control the emotional side and DO NOT THINK BACK. Please concentrate on what needs to be done and the well-being of yourself.

Many many many loves! Thanks

whosthis · 07/02/2013 19:39

I meant DO NOT LOOK BACK. Sorry...

springyhopes · 07/02/2013 19:40
Xales · 07/02/2013 19:44

So sorry you are going through this. Absolutely nothing I can do to help.

Talk to everyone you can. Doctor, mid wife, get all the help you can and use it.

See what financial help you are entitled to and use that also. Talk to the mortgage company and take a holiday or go to interest only short term?

Talk to bank/mortgage people and make sure you are very protected from this man emptying accounts or getting loans against the property?

Can you get someone studying child care and offer them board in place of looking after your children while you are so ill? It doesn't help you financially but can help with a practical side./

MusicForTheMasses · 07/02/2013 19:44

Just to say I'm here, big hugs to you. xxxx

GaryBuseysTeeth · 07/02/2013 19:44

Waves, well done, you must be feeling so fragile atm, so that you've be strong enough to tell him to do one just proves (again!) what a resilient person you are.

You weren't being precious earlier, and I'm glad your DC's are happier now too, hope you all get a lovely night of sleep tonight (assuming you're doing three in a bed tonight, snuggled up with your lovely, happier babies).

Is there anyone you can text/call to come over tonight or tomorrow to help you out with the practical side of things?

Have you managed to eat/keep anything down yet? x