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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 07/02/2013 22:38

How awful. Just read all 21 pages and cannot believe how a human could treat another human in this way, let alone one he was supposed to 'love'. Lots of gentle hugs and passing of tissues. Please try & see a lawyer or speak to one, you need to know how to protect yourself.

Midwife99 · 07/02/2013 22:49

He's an arse! Come join the Stately Homes thread re your mother when you're ready! Meanwhile - there are lots of us here who have (unfortunately) personal experience very similar to yours & we are more than happy to help get you through this. And yes Choco is right - pushchairs, feeding bras, breast milk cups, condoms (ahem!) anything practical we can do from afar we will!! The twunt will not beat you!! Cuddle those lovely children close & rest up. Angry

whosthis · 07/02/2013 23:03

Yes, please restrain from contacting your mum until you feel less stressed and more confident in dealing with things. Her remarks only shows how much she cares about herself, not you. But it's not your fault!

Again, waves, it's not about you and him or your relationship, it's about this man is rotten in the core. He wouldn't bring anyone lasting happiness as he cares only his own feeling and if things work conveniently for him. Bad model for the kids!

There are so many people here providing practical advice. You are not alone! We all care
if you are doing better
if the little one in your tummy is well
if your DCs are taken care of and happy/safe
if you can protect yourself financially and emotionally
if you know you are going to pull yourself out from this nightmare
if you believe things would eventually be in order again

Reach out to friends and people who can help. You would find that besides how much this bastard has hurt you, there are so many people care about you and are willing to hold your hands in the most difficult event in life. One day, when you finally look back, you would find you have more in life - faith in yourself and faith in the very warmhearted side of human being.

One step by one step, you will get there! Hugs! Thanks

whosthis · 07/02/2013 23:06

Yes, agree with Choco. Anything we could help here! It would make us feel better as well by doing something more practical to help you through this. It is very annoying to see you feeling so bad but no way to do anything about!

PiannaFingers · 07/02/2013 23:28

Hi Waves, just wanted to say that you ARE going to bring this baby into a happy family. What you have done ensures that. It may not be a nuclear family, but if you DCs are happier without your formerDH that's already a happy family.

Well done. Really well done. And I hope you start to feel better soon.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/02/2013 23:31

Shocked and saddened by your more recent posts waves ; other MNers have said it all really. The chief thing is to guard your health and shore up reserves of strength. Know it doesn't come easy to you to ask for help but for your DCs' sake, ask and accept. He's a scoundrel to use an under-used word. Take one day at a time waves and every one that passes is a life better twunt-free.

Zhx3 · 07/02/2013 23:44

Sorry you are having such a shit time Waves. I'm really glad your h is out, hope that you realise how much easier it is without him very soon.

You will be fine and your dcs will be fine, all of them. You will not be bringing them into a toxic family.

If there is anything you need, don't be afraid to ask here or in real life.

Take good care of yourself - ginger tea might help with the nausea? X

wavesandsmiles · 08/02/2013 08:53

lawyer is coming to my house for 9am - which is really quick. Have managed to get myself dressed and the DCs on their way to school. This is happening so fast. Still crying! Luckily, I have all the paperwork re the house to hand as it all happened so recently.

Slept terribly last night, and each time I woke I was sick. He texted me this morning asking me not to call him at work as he needs "time and space" and nicely pointed out that I am a total drama queen, that I do not have terminal cancer, I am not ill, just being sick. He really is heartless isn't he. I've not ever felt so persistently ill, and when I weighed myself this morning I am now down to having lost over half a stone. I'm only little to start with Sad And I am so worried about going back into hospital. It was awful on Tuesday, with my veins being so rubbish - it hurts putting these venflon things in, especially when a vein collapses and it all starts again. But I still can't keep anything down, so unless a miracle happens, it is likely to happen again.

I have left him a bag of clothes outside in my car, he is collecting that today. I thought it was easier for me to pack his things than have to face him coming into the house. Just worried that my house is not very tidy and the lawyer will see it, but I feel ready to collapse just having done what I have this morning!

OP posts:
PeoniesPlease · 08/02/2013 09:01

Good luck with the lawyer waves.

Don't worry about the mess - I'm sure their house is just the same at times! Smile

I really hope you start to feel better soon. When things feel difficult to me, I just keep reminding myself over and over again, "this too shall pass" - it helps in a funny way to know that in a month's time, in a year's time etc, things will not be as difficult as they feel at the moment.

aufaniae · 08/02/2013 09:05

I hope it all goes well this morning, and knowing your position gives you strength.

"I am not ill, just being sick" Shock

Yes, because hospitals go round admitting people who are not actually ill all the time, don't they. FFS.

Now he's actually gone, might it be a little easier to ask for RL help? Saying he's gone and that you're unwell and need some support is simply stating facts.

letsgetreadytoramble · 08/02/2013 09:13

I know you don't feel strong just now, but you must have an inner core of strength to be managing so amazingly well in the circumstances - your baby (and little DCs) are very lucky to have you as a mummy. Your ex isn't worth thinking about anymore - it will be tricky to sort the house situation, but not impossible - your lawyer will support you against his bullying tactics, and soon you'll be free to enjoy your life with your children again. I really hope the sickness passes soon. Thanks

porridgeLover · 08/02/2013 09:33

waves you are doing so well. You are amazingly strong.

Good luck with the lawyer this morning. Hope all is going well for you.

WingDefence · 08/02/2013 09:55

waves I hope the lawyer is a kick-ass one and is giving you some great advice right now. STBXH is such a shit. I am too nice a person to wish a horrible sickness back on him but it's very tempting... Angry

BinarySolo · 08/02/2013 09:56

Good luck waves. Thinking of you.

maxybrown · 08/02/2013 10:07

Look at it this way, all these things he says to you, may knock you back initially - but they are also the very same words that will help give you strength.

I have been reading but not posted but what an absolute bastard.

My very good friend had this when pregnant second time and it was awful - you have my complete sympathy even it means little, I know.

Don't contact him as he needs time and space? Does he not realise he now has all the time and space he wished for? Toss pot.

Poor little diddums...........needing time and space

Hope you feel like you get somewhere today Smile

MmeDefarge · 08/02/2013 10:08

De-lurking to say well done to you waves. You are being amazing.

I can't believe you have got the lawyer round already and are getting on with sorting things out for you and your DCs.

Your mum's comment to you about losing your job if you are sick struck a chord with me. My mum has said exactly the same thing to me in the past. Sigh.

Get someone else to help you in RL.

Don't expect anything from your mum. It sounds like she will struggle to support you.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 08/02/2013 10:09

Dearest Waves, hope all has gone well with the lawyer. Your STBXH's text was callous. He really is quite nasty isn't he? Thank god he is not staying any longer and setting an example to your children of how to be a first class fuckwit.

Well done for getting his stuff together and leaving outside.

Back to that apology - it didn't last long and it meant nothing.

I really hope seeing your lawyer today has made you feel stronger and more prepared for what's to come, though I'm sure it will have been exhausting.

Thanks
wavesandsmiles · 08/02/2013 10:13

Feeling so much more positive. Really good advice, and basically I need not worry at all about the house situation. Given we have only had the mortgage since October, and I put all the equity in, he is going to be entitled to nothing. I will have to make my best endeavours to pay the full mortgage, but the house will transfer to me, and with taking in a couple of lodgers it should be manageable. I'll also be entitled to child maintenance once the baby arrives, which again will help with paying the mortgage. All sorts of ideas like going to interest only for a time at least.

The lawyer is drafting a letter to him and will email me a copy. Over here there is something called judicial separation which can be achieved if the parties consent to all the financial matters etc, if he is amenable to that, then it is a cheap way of formalising everything and means that a straightforward divorce can take place after 2 years separation.

So, a lot less to worry about now, other than the hyperemesis, and timescales re the house, him moving furniture out, and me having to find lodgers.....

My DCs are so looking forward to a whole weekend of just the 3 of us at home. They were lovely this morning and fed the rabbits for me, and made sure the cat and dog had water and food too.

I've emailed a doula too, and am going to try to let people in RL life know once the lawyer's letter has gone out. Although it is going to be painful, and I am dreading it. We only got married in July Sad and it was just last month I did all the phoning around to share the happy baby news. I'm not sure I can face it just yet, so biding my time.

Heading back to bed for a bit now, has been a very busy morning, and I also need a really good cry.

Thank you again for your online support Thanks

OP posts:
DuchessFanny · 08/02/2013 10:13

Best of luck today waves i'll be thinking of you and check in again later xxx

maxybrown · 08/02/2013 10:16

Have a good rest and really look forward to your weekend with your DCs Smile

Glad you feel like you are moving forward even if you're feeling a bit sad.

Bobolbach · 08/02/2013 10:21

Not posted before waves, but wanted to add my support.
Hope you have a better weekend.

WingDefence · 08/02/2013 10:24

Oh that sounds like a good lawyer and now you can hopefully keep your 'forever house' just for you and the 3 DCs :)

I'd offer you a Brew and a Biscuit but not sure if you'd keep them down so here's some Thanks instead!

piratecat · 08/02/2013 10:25

waves, phew. you had some good news about the house, i am pleased that the lawyer was able to come to you, and that you have had some good advice.

You are an amazingly strong woman.
Look what you have done, geting the children (who sound brilliant) off to school, feeling so unwell, and managing to explain things to the lawyer.

It there any chance you can divorce him sooner? citing his infidelity?

LouMacca · 08/02/2013 10:25

Thinking of you waves and hope all goes well with your lawyer x

aufaniae · 08/02/2013 10:26

That's great news :) Good to hear you're feeling more positive.

Don't forget about the mortgage holiday as a possibility - some mortgage companies will offer mortgage holidays for maternity, could make a big difference.

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