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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
whosthis · 06/02/2013 19:31

Sad overding it probably would turn him into a violent brainless danger. I feel so... Unless you get prepared upfront Envy

LouMacca · 06/02/2013 19:47

I've just read through the thread waves and I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Reading through your 'things I love about my DH' list made me shake my head in disbelief that anyone could change so much and become so cold and cruel. I don't think I've read about a more despicable human being in all the time I've been on Mumsnet.

Hand holding - wish I could be there it do it in person. Stay strong x

springyhopes · 06/02/2013 19:57

You may be besieged with support - and rightly so! - but I would like to add mine.

I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare. It is clearly nothing to do with you. He is not a good man. That in itself is a huge thing to face, when you are so low physically. Perhaps the hospital trips are a way of allowing your psyche to catch up, as it were.

Day at a time girl. See to things a day at a time. This is a crisis and you have to go into lockdown and deal with only the essentials - a day at a time.

All the love in all the world to you. Hold on, get through each day.

ChasedByBees · 06/02/2013 20:21

Bastard. What an absolute bastard he is. So sorry you're going through this, but amazed by how strong you are even when feeling so low. It may be a hard few months but you'll be just fine. You're an inspiration. Thanks

Midwife99 · 06/02/2013 20:46

Hmmm - more ammunition for twunt when you get home I guess - "You contacted who?!!! And she confirmed of course that I am a saint & that you're the problem waves!"
Either way - if he reckons it's over he can sling his hook & they can all sit round a cauldron!

badinage · 06/02/2013 21:00

Being scrupulously fair to the ex it's your husband's responsibility to house and look after his children and if they've got a 50-50 arrangement then it's possible she's got definite plans built around that, especially if that includes work. But he needs to find a place pretty damned quick where he can look after them. As for the rest of what she said, I'd take that with a pinch of salt. She's got no right to feel satisfaction in your discomfort as you played no part in her break-up. I reckon the current OW might have done though, but perhaps the kids mum hasn't yet joined the dots on that one? What I find beyond comprehension though is however bitter she might be, you'd have to have a heart of stone not to empathise with a woman who's in the position you're in. Shame on her.

As you've married such a short time, I reckon you'll get to divide the equity according to what you both brought into the transaction. Or as you will be having his child, you'll get to stay in the house till the youngest leaves home. I don't think he can force a house sale in these circumstances, but you really do need some urgent legal advice.

The most important thing now are you and the babe's health though. Do lean on friends and supporters to help you with anything practical, whether that's ringing solicitors and screening them for you or doing a few laundry loads.

BinarySolo · 06/02/2013 21:13

I wouldn't change or add locks as it could have legal and financial implications. When I split with my ex he did this to me to stop me collecting my belongings while he wasn't there. It meant I was no longer liable to pay the mortgage but was still entitled to equity as it was joint names.

Hope you're feeling better soon. Sending positive thoughts your way.

thekitchenfairy · 07/02/2013 07:01

Morning Waves, thinking of you this morning, hope the hyperemesis has eased and you can go home to your DCs today. Also hoping you have someone there in RL to hold your hand today.

Whitewineformeplease · 07/02/2013 07:14

Morning waves, just checking in too. Hope you're feeling a bit better today. Thinking of you Envy

AgathaF · 07/02/2013 07:31

Hope you're feeling lots better this morning.

The pressing thing is getting him out of the house, or as a last resort, getting you and your children housed elsewhere. I don't think there are really any actions you can take until you have had legal advice, simply because you can't put your equity etc at risk. I so hope you feel well enough to get that advice soon.

porridgeLover · 07/02/2013 09:42

Morning waves. Hope you get to go home today. But hope you can get someone to sit with you as much as possible; even on the phone to overhear what he says?

Midwife99 · 07/02/2013 10:37

Hope you feel better today waves & you have RL support when you get home!

whosthis · 07/02/2013 11:21

waves, hope you feel much better today and get home safely. Be strong!

wavesandsmiles · 07/02/2013 11:32

Hi, I'm home and very pleased to be free of needles although still feeling v sick. He came to hospital yesterday lunchtime and say down and said he wants things to be ok again and actually said he was sorry for being such a cunt to me, and that he is naturally confrontational and becomes very cold in such circumstances. So more head fuckery there. Them he started chatting about baby vests and how he wants to start taking daily photos of my (as yet non existent) bump.

Trouble is firstly that i am not sure I believe he is sorry and secondly that he has hurt me so much that I don't think I can get past all this anyway. So, whilst I have an empty house I am looking up local lawyers and will try to get an appointment set up.

Must also find my phone charger or I'll lose my mumsnet lifeline!

OP posts:
Kittenkatzen · 07/02/2013 11:40

Oh waves it's so difficult isn't it :(

To be honest it sounds like he's finally realised that you're not all mouth and no trousers (as my nan would say!) like he evidently is, and is panicking a bit. Trying to take control back another way in other words. Unfortunately nothing has changed really has it? Follow your gut instinct and definitely take legal advice when you can.

Very glad you're home again, if not feeling much better. Sending you hugs Thanks

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/02/2013 11:43

What an entitled twat - how dare he? He must think you are so thick and desperate that you would take him back after his terrible shitty behaviour during such a vulnerable time for you (and I would not classify it as "being cold").

Of course he wants things to be OK because it suits him at the moment...until the next time he feels the urge to shag around Hmm

Stay strong x

AgathaF · 07/02/2013 11:46

It's just words though. They don't cost him anything. He might mean them, he might not. He might just want the home front to be more peaceful for the time being.

If he means what he says, he will do the actions too. Transparency, leaving his unlocked phone around, arranging counselling, etc etc.

There's still all the stuff that's already happened though. I think you're right to see a solicitor as soon as you can.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/02/2013 11:51

he is naturally confrontational and becomes very cold in such circumstances

What, like a poisonous atmosphere and 'circumstances' of entirely his own making? Angry

Useless effing article, what's he playing at. I wouldn't trust him an inch. Let him be as friendly as he likes. Get yourself some sound legal advice and try not to let him mess with your head.

Midwife99 · 07/02/2013 12:06

Has he actually shagged someone else or was he yet again playing with your head? It's all so confusing how on earth do you know what the hell to think? He's really playing with your emotions isn't he? What do you want to do? What is your gut feeling?

IAmNotAMindReader · 07/02/2013 12:12

Its possible he has been playing games with you which is contemptable or he's been told to sling his hook byt the other woman which is still contemptable.

Jux · 07/02/2013 12:16

Keep all texts you've had. Make notes of everything.

He is messing with your head. Mr Nice's turn now. When that doesn't work, he'll be Mr Nasty again.

Glad you're not so bad now, and can turn your attention to business. Good luck. If you have trouble finding a solicitor, ask WA to recommend someone in your area.

Good luck. Keep posting.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 07/02/2013 12:17

fuckwit! He is totally messing with your head. Of course you want things to be how they were - but everything he has said and done cannot be undone.

Stay calm, stay well and get some legal advice. You need out of this mess soon.

chocoreturns · 07/02/2013 12:38

as the months have gone on I've realised that the only thing that's kept me sane when dealing with my useless fuckwit is boundaries. State them, enforce them, mean them yourself - when his manipulation keeps failing, he will be come Mr Nasty again and possibly up the stakes :( but you are doing the right thing now. Get legal advice, start making your own plans and DO NOT discuss anything with him. This is YOUR time to decide what works for you. He is only entitled to be informed of your decisions, not to help you make them.

FWIW when I started to behave like this, my fuckwit sort of shrivelled up and became far less powerful. He's not any nicer but I am far less affected. You're coping incredibly well in the face of some awful behaviour. Trust your own judgement, so far it's not let you down xx

Midwife99 · 07/02/2013 12:44

Choco knows best - honestly. She once recommended a book to me - "Who's Pulling Your Strings " which was very useful as was the Lundy Bancroft book. When I stopped engaging in the manipulation & mind games my DH left very quickly & then spent 3 months realising it really wasn't me - it was HIM!

whosthis · 07/02/2013 13:18

waves, sorry that you are still feeling very sick. Please make sure you look after yourself at home.

Regarding this man,.you know in your guts you wouldn't trust him again especially he had turned into a complete cold blooded -asshole- without feeling any guilt. I suspect if you now reject his proposal, he would become confrontational again saying you are not grateful for his gesture. Rather than understanding it's his own fault, he would make you feel you hurt him!

If you forgive him and go back to "normal", very soon you might find he "becomes" more confrontational and cold or warm according to his mood, as he can always blame "the environment".

His two sided face and his narcissistism are threats to a family's happy life.

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