Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
thekitchenfairy · 06/02/2013 10:57

I will look into this and come back to you, but from my own experience... i am sure that because you cashed in equity on a prior house sale for this property, met financial obligations of sale you not only 'own' a bigger stake... You have the upper hand...

Get legal advice ASAP as I'm inclined to think the twunt will say next he is due a 50:50 split, quite clearly he is not.

whosthis · 06/02/2013 11:02

You will be ok, waves. Promise! Thanks

It takes time and energy and lots of faith to get through this. But you will and when you look back one day you would realize how strong you have been!

thekitchenfairy · 06/02/2013 11:04

And I think you need to register your interest in the property at the Land Registry... This will prevent him taking out a loan against the property or putting the house up for sale without your permission.

I know youre clinging on to your September days, but he has shown his true colors... I don't like to play a guessing ame, but maybe he had a plan that included a big financial settlement as you Were a home owner, he wasnt... Don't underestimate what he will do in fury as you stand firm.

oldwomaninashoe · 06/02/2013 11:21

Waves, I have come out of "lurking" to say take heed what thekitchenfairy said. It may be worth ringing the Land Registry to find out if what your H can do with regards to the property.

I am so sorry that you are having to cope with all this mess, while you are feeling so wretched.
We are all virtually holding your hand, do ask for help from your friends , and let them know ALL of your current problems. You will be surprised at the support some of the most unlikely people can give you.
Just hang on in there xx

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 06/02/2013 11:31

waves just concentrate on getting yourself better for now. All the advice and links listed in this thread will still be there. Of course registering interest in the property is essential, you could probably do that over the phone via a solicitor.

I was on chocos thread from the beginning and let me tell you - she is a tower of strength, she's been there, done that, got the baby and is a fab single Mum. You will be too.

I feel so helpless, just want to give you a hug and tell your H what a rancid shithead he is.

undertone rancid floozie, love it - and love the 'pal', obviously got Scottish in you. Wink

pinkbraces · 06/02/2013 11:39

He is a total and utter wanker of a man. Please get legal advice as soon as you can and keep coming on here for support and hand holding.

You are an amazing, strong woman who doesnt need a scumbag such as him in your life. You are doing brilliantly.

thekitchenfairy · 06/02/2013 11:41

Another thought... Your mortgage company would be worth talking to, is it the same company as your previous property?

If it is a new property but you have been the sole owner before, you will have a good history.

You know you an pay with lodger etc, they may be v flexible with payment holiday etc... Get his name taken off the mortgage. Costs about £150, they should be able to do this as you've not been married long, and the larger part of the investment is yours.

cooper44 · 06/02/2013 12:02

Just wanted to echo what others have said waves - if you put all the money into the property (am assuming he didn't put in any from your last post) then you really do have the upper hand. Not only that but you've been married for a really, really short amount of time. I can't imagine any court making you sell. Housing your kids will be No 1 priority. And furthermore you are going to have a newborn baby for heaven's sake.
When you feel well enough to see a good solicitor I am pretty sure you will have your mind put to rest on that score. I know nothing is ever certain but I think you have a very strong case to stay put and for him to sod off.

DuchessFanny · 06/02/2013 12:04

Sorry to hear you are back in Hospital waves ... found your 10 reasons really sad to read, and can see why you are probably in shock with anger and sadness thrown in ... stay strong, you are doing brilliantly, and it will get better. You are sooo much better than that Twunt you married !

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 06/02/2013 12:39

Dearest Waves, so sorry you are feeling so dreadful.

Just thinking about what he has said about the house, that he will leave but it has to be sold. Actually, in the first place he stated that his mum was lending him money so he could rent somewhere else. So he has already let you know how he was prepared to deal with things when he wanted to leave. It is only now that you want him to leave that he is insisting the house must be sold.

He can insist away all he likes.

The first thing to be done is for him to leave.

The rest can be sorted out later with the help of the professionals.

BinarySolo · 06/02/2013 12:42

Just when you think he can't be anymore of a twat he demands that the house is sold! What a complete turd. Like others have said, pretty sure he won't have much of a claim on the property as it was your equity.

You have the power in this situation. He's stamping his feet like a toddler and trying to bully you, but you have the power.

bamboozled · 06/02/2013 14:33

I'm pretty sure he couldn't do anything without a court order as forcing you to see your house, and what judge would do that to you as its all about creating a stable environment for the DCs
I know it's horrid, but did he say in any text/email that his mum offered tO lend him money for a flat, as them he can't even claim extreme picerty/lack of funds... Document everything.
Hope you are feeling a bit better today x

bamboozled · 06/02/2013 14:34

Sorry for typos - stupid iPhone! x

MumVsKids · 06/02/2013 15:04

So sorry you're feeling it today waves

I'm not sure of your location, but I'd be happy to offer some RL support if you need it. I'm in Derby but have car and will travel :)

It might be worth posting in Legal re your house and the money you put in etc, there's some very knowledgeable people on here and it may just give you a head start on getting some advice.

Hope you're feeling much better soon. I had hyperemesis too with all 3 DCs, though not to the extent you have it, mine was bad enough not being able to eat for the first three months. It is so exhausting and the constant nausea is a killer. But you will have a beautiful bouncing baby as your reward and every second will have been worth it. :)

Have some more (((((hugs))))) and Thanks

whosthis · 06/02/2013 15:24

Hello, waves. Just a thought: He might constrain his behavior slightly if he gets to know you aren't alone.

It is too easy to abuse someone knowing she is vulnerable and couldn't fight back.

Worth telling some friends, maybe? Just a thought...

Jux · 06/02/2013 16:01

Dear Waves, hand holding here too.

Try posting on Legal re the mortgage. You'll get answers fairly quickly and know what's important to talk about when you do get to see a solicitor once you're better.

Love Tortoise! You thought he was a good guy. He thought you were a pushover. You were both wrong.

and you, my dear, are a total badass.

Oh yes. You better believe it.

PuggyMum · 06/02/2013 16:03

Hello waves. Another lurker here too wishing you well.

He wants the house sold! Is that cos he thinks he's entitled to half the equity? Jog. On.

Midwife99 · 06/02/2013 16:30

Collaborate always gives fab advice on the divorce/separation thread & legal thread but it's clear - you put in 100% equity & costs, have resident children plus another on the way. He won't be entitled to anything (except child maintenance of course!) His kids live with their mum so tough!!

Yfronts · 06/02/2013 16:32

just a thought can you extend the life of the mortgage and get the house moved into your name?

Yfronts · 06/02/2013 16:34

Hes not entitled to the house. You need to seek legal advice.

AgathaF · 06/02/2013 18:41

I've just read through your thread and what a shocker it is. I so feel for you going through all this.

I agree with other posters suggestions about posting in legal for advice regarding your house. Also, could you phone up your mortgage provider for advice? Are your bank accounts in joint names, and if they are, could you move your money into an account in your name only?

I hope you get a civil and reasonable response from his exW. If she declines to let his children stay at your house because of the current situation, he has even less reason to stay there himself, especially if you are making him feel uncomfortable with your friends/relations there as much as possible.

I hope the hyperemesis eases off soon. It is a horrible thing to have in pregnancy, and something you really don't need at the moment.

Thanks
wordyBird · 06/02/2013 19:13

have been thinking of you today, waves, and am sorry to hear you feel so rotten..
((Hug)) and (the good hand) ...

wavesandsmiles · 06/02/2013 19:20

Thanks all, still in hospital but hoping to go home tomorrow. DSSs mum has been awkward. Won't change contact or access and even said she can't believe the present situation as twunt never once shouted at or swore at her. No asking after me, so she's in the schadenfreude camp I assume. Why is life so difficult????

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 06/02/2013 19:26

Waves Then tell twunt, they gotta go to MIL's house, and change the locks when you get back too.

MumVsKids · 06/02/2013 19:31

Don't change the locks, just add additional ones Wink