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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
Birthhippy9 · 06/02/2013 00:47

Waves I just saw this thread and wanted to offer a bit of support. One idea that has occurred to me is after seeing a lawyer see if you can book a Doula. One that will support you right through, they can be a Godsend. They would support you practically and emotionally right through pregnancy birth and postnatal period. You can google Doula Uk and contact them to locate you one plus they can offer financial wavering in certain circumstances. Please get in contact with them too.

Whitewineformeplease · 06/02/2013 04:29

Just found this thread waves, and I'm like everyone else on here, so shocked at how you're being treated and so admiring of how strong you are. Please, please tell your friends, even just text them with a link to this thread, if you don't feel like talking about it. Give them a chance to help you. I know, if you were my friend, I'd be over there like a shot to help out and castrate that no-good, lying, cheating cocksucker of a husband of yours. Stay strong. Thanks

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/02/2013 04:42

Oh Maytree has a really good idea. A doula would be lovely, give you support, and you won't have to feel like you're leaning on friends (not that they'd mind, I'm sure, but if you're used to being very independent).

notnagging · 06/02/2013 05:10

Oh waves that post '10 things I love about dh' made me Sad
I'm so sorry what a shock to have such a turn around from September to now in such a short time. He sounds totally psychotic & you are well rid. Do not waste anymore time on this man. What a Jekyll & Hyde! I hope you feel better soon

Thumbwitch · 06/02/2013 05:16

So sorry to read this, Waves - and it sounds like you have a classic pattern abuser there, all charm and lovely to start with, sucks you into an early marriage (including you investing all your security into your partnership :( ) and then as soon as you're "trapped", by the pregnancy, starts to show his true colours.

He sounds like an utter twatbadger. I hope that your pg starts to improve in terms of your health, sounds like you're having an awful time with it!

And I hope you get rid of him asap!! Beware though - he may not have shown any violent tendencies so far, but it's not uncommon in this "type" for them to start to become violent as your pregnancy advances.

If you think it would be of any benefit to your current circumstance, it might be an idea to contact the mother of his DSs to see what he was like during her pgs, although if she had 2 with him, he might have been ok.

thekitchenfairy · 06/02/2013 07:10

Waves, just found this thread so Angry at that excuse for a man.

Didn't want to read and run, but can't disappear without telling you that you sound like an amazing lady: career, house, kids, financial independence. you are so obviously made of strong stuff, you WILL get through this.

And while he is a glowing example to your DCs of how absolutely NOT to be a man, by not putting up with his manipulative abusive crap, you are showing them what it means to be a mother, their mother.

And hard as it may be to get him out, think how much you don't want them to see you bullied by him and your DSSs,... and the longer you let him stay the more you are condoning his behaviour.

And IME those of us who don't ask for help but often do the helping... when our time of need comes, people can't do enough. Just let someone know who can rally people round. I know how much I would do for you if you were my new neighbour, or a new mum at school.

Wishing you strength and sending rule-breaking ((((hugs)))) and BrewThanks for you this morning. You will be in my thoughts today.

Jux · 06/02/2013 08:46

Rancid Floozy is a wonderful description!

Hope you had a good rest last night, Waves.

ThenWeTakeBerlin · 06/02/2013 08:57

waves I've just discovered this thread and read all the way through.

I am in total awe at your strength, mettle and dignity. Your DC are SO lucky that you're their mum Smile

Hope you can kick this worthless sack of shit to the kerb and get on with creating a future for you and your 3 DC.

I wish I lived closer as I'd do anything to help you x

WingDefence · 06/02/2013 09:40

Morning lovely waves. Hope the drugs are starting to work and you slept well x

PeoniesPlease · 06/02/2013 09:50

Just delurking to wish you well, waves. I hope that you had a restful night and feel better today.

Feel really Angry for you about your H - hope he gets the message and pisses off asap.

chocoreturns · 06/02/2013 10:06

what a shit. What a SHIT! What a COMPLETE AND UTTER SHIT!!!!!!!!!

Hello waves I've just managed to read your entire thread after being pointed in your direction a day or two ago. I am gutted for you and angry. Your H is a tool of the highest order.

I don't know if you've tripped over any of my threads in the past, but last year (this time precisely) I was pregnant with DC2, my STBXH had just left us for OW and I was suffering from SPD. I won't witter on about my story here, suffice to say that with a bit of time and space I recognised how abusive his behaviour had been in our marriage, and went from total devastation to anger. I have ended up resolute to be the best damn single mum I can be. If there's anything I can offer you in terms of support, I will start by saying that the fear of the unknown is worse than the reality. My DS2 is now 7 months old, and I managed to get through the birth, the newborn stage and even sorting out regular contact arrangements ok. I would never have chosen this life for us but actually it turns out it's pretty damn sweet not having the shitbag around. (I'm a bit fired up on your behalf today!)

FWIW My STBXH's OW also defended him recently, and like you, I can only let her get on with it. Silly, silly girls. My baby was also planned and much loved, and my STBXH pressured me into taking the MAP, then told me that it was my 'own moral decision about what to do' (ie to abort or keep DS2). I fell out of love pretty damn quick too.

I'm happy to handhold along the way if I can be any help. Remember, you're not stupid for falling for this man, he is the broken one for not being able to maintain a normal human relationship. Hold your head high because no-one will be fooled by him for long. X

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 06/02/2013 10:09

He says he will go, but is insisting the house has to be sold which will make me and the DCs homeless. I've texted DSSs mum, and it all feels frighteningly real. I want my September husband back. Feeling so sick and my arm is sore and I'm scared now

OP posts:
Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 06/02/2013 10:17

And hi choco thanks for popping in. Can't type easily due to drip but taking support from everyone's messages

OP posts:
Doha · 06/02/2013 10:20

Think you need to seek legal advice waves and don't agree to anything right now.
Hope you are feeling a wee bit better today but that idiot of a H of yours is probably setting you back quite a bit

Secretservice · 06/02/2013 10:21

Waves I've lurked since you started this thread, feeling angry and so sad for you. But I needed to answer your last post: he cannot 'insist' you sell the house, especially if it's a joint mortgage, which I think from your earlier posts it is.

You have to agree to a sale, or a judge can insist, but not him. Just wanted you not too worry about that yet, getter better, get stronger first.

piratecat · 06/02/2013 10:23

waves ,i just wanted to say i am watching your thread, and feel for you so much, you poor love. I hope they can help you in the hospital. xx hugs

piratecat · 06/02/2013 10:24

just what secretservice said he can't make you do that at all. fucking twat.

olgaga · 06/02/2013 10:24

Waves he can insist until he's blue in the face but nothing will happen with regard to the house until there is a financial settlement. He has to keep paying the mortgage or kiss his credit rating goodbye.

When you are better you will be able to go through the links posted upthread and get yourself some good legal advice.

Until then, please ignore his threats and just concentrate on yourself, and getting better.

whosthis · 06/02/2013 10:25

Good morning waves. Don't you want to consult any legal advice before anything happens? Shouldn't be too difficult.

It is real and you need to protect your DCs and yourself.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/02/2013 10:25

Legal advice. Joint mortgage is safe, but if not, go and put a caveat on that sucker TODAY. And well done for texting DSS mum.

We're all thinking of you, Waves.

porridgeLover · 06/02/2013 10:27

Hi waves, I have just come to your thread from a referral on choco's thread.

I rarely feel rage at the stories on here (I am another one who has a twunt ex) but I can feel my gut boiling at how unfeeling, horrible, uncaring and abusive your STBXH is.

It is beyond scary to be in your position. You are your most vulnerable, and alone, without family support.

I wish I was closer as I would organise a rota of people to be in your home with you. Even to just sit and watch tv. One thing these guys never do is show their true nature in front of others. It would wear him out to have to keep it up for days.

You will be OK. Really, you will. I know this is words on a screen but if they can reach you at all, try to believe it...you and your DC will be OK.

Do you know of any solicitors/estate agents that can come to do a session with you in hospital? Can you get a Doula to come to you this week?
Can your friends look through their list of contacts to round up appropriate professionals for you? Try to believe this.....good people like to be asked for their help.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2013 10:32

He has acted like a scumbag waves if he badgers you just tell him you are seeking legal advice. Will your mum at least help out on a practical level with your DCs? Please don't hold back asking for help, please go to a solicitor when you are physically up to it.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 06/02/2013 10:36

I know the first thing to do once I'm out of hospital and up to it is get legal advice. It is a joint mortgage. I paid the 20% deposit
And all the costs from the sale of my house.

Just sitting here with drip sending fluids into my arm but tears pouring down my face, so not sure there's any point in the drip. This hurts so much.

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 06/02/2013 10:50

He's an idiot - he can't insist you sell the house! You put all the equity in!! Get legal advice ASAP honey. I really hope you feel better soon. Where are you? Is there anything I can do to help?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/02/2013 10:53

Oh, sweetie. It's so hard, and it's so fucking unfair.

You thought he was a good guy. He thought you were a pushover. You were both wrong.

This whole thing has totally backfired for him. He thought you'd react to the 'unwanted pregnancy' claim by promising that he'd never be inconvenienced by the pregnancy, you'd do all the childcare and pay all the costs and be apologetic for imposing on his life by continuing with the pregnancy. He thought you'd react to the affair by trying harder to be the woman he said he wanted, submissive and pleading and never, ever, turning him down for sex. He thought he had it figured out; get you financially vulnerable and pregnant, and then teach you to be grateful that he stayed around, so he'd get the house, the humble wife, the child, but with no childcare duties, no financial duties and you'd probably turn a blind eye if he was home late smelling of perfume.

He was so wrong. He was so fucking wrong, because you, my dear, are a total badass.