So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

Hope you're doing better again today Waves. Stay strong, you deserve better than his appalling treatment of you

Hi, back to my GP this afternoon as still not keeping food or water down. Internet broke last night so wasn't able to check in. DH slept on the sofa with no argument at all, which, whilst it sounds like very little, feels like progress to me!

Yesterday my friends were lovely (and no, I haven't told them much at all - feel a bit too poorly to start letting everything out in RL as I will end up in floods of tears). One brought me breadsticks and flowers and made me toast, another took my dog for a walk, and my mum came and took some laundry, and tidied up the patio where my DCs had cleaned out the rabbit hutches on Sunday but left quite a lot of debris as a result. Bless them, they tried their best, and the rabbits have lovely clean homes now

I am trying very hard not to analyse what has gone wrong, and even harder to stop blaming myself, and succeeding some of the time. A year from now, I really want to be in a position where I can look back with pride on how I handled this. My way of handling this is, I think to focus on the welfare of my 2DCs and the baby. More than anything, I don't want them growing up thinking this is a normal, healthy way for adult relationships to be. Might not be quite focussing on myself and what is best for me, but right now, I think that the focus on the children is fine.

Oh, and I found the post I made on a thread called 10 things I love about my DH. What the heck has happened between then and now? This is the post:

wavesandsmiles Wed 19-Sep-12 14:08:41
I am so in love with DH - we are TTC and moving house at the moment which is pretty stressful, but I still wake up every morning smiling because I am waking up with him....I married him because I love everything, absolutely everything, so here are just a few things
He is kind to me
He makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the world
He is proud of me
He loves my children
He is a wonderful father
He is gorgeous
He is amazing in bed
He knows how to do pretty much everything round the house
He makes the BEST cups of tea
He has beautiful eyes
He is thoughtful
He leaves me love letters or little notes lying about
He buys me presents for no reason other than he wants to
He wants to share everything with me
He "checks me out" all the time
We have quiet times when we can just sit reading books in each other's company
He is really funny
He sweeps me up into his arms and gives the best cuddles
He inspires me
He is very clever
I even love that he uses apostrophes incorrectly. He does it so consistently, it is adorable
He gives me butterflies
He is my shoulder to cry on - literally sob on from time to time when I am missing my dad who died last year
He makes me feel so much better about myself
He does great facepaints
He wouldn't cheat - I giggle about when he was out and someone started to chat him up and he launched into a - I'm married so not interested, but you'd LOVE me wife, and started showing off photos of me
When I am stressed he helps me break a problem into bite size pieces
He always knows when I am worried
He is my best friend
He is very handsome
And I could keep writing hundreds more things, but I have work to do.......

I wouldn't have married him if it wasn't for that list, I've been there before and resolved never to remarry. But I love him so so deeply, being anything other than his wife just wouldn't have been right. I am so sorry OP that you have struggled so much to find the positives....and have just reminded myself how very blessed I and my children are.

That was a lovely list waves, why so very different now. Well, here and now is what matters. Glad you're supported by others. Tell us how you get on at the doctor's.

Oh dear, it is shitty.

That list is a bit too good to be true.

He is now showing his true colours - this is the real HIM, you need to remember that the old him was a charming facade designed to hook you in.

This is how abusive men operate and in time once the rose spectacles have been removed, I am sure you will look back and realise there were red flags - I recognise quite a few on that list

Oh Hun - that's so sad. Which is the real him? Was it all a performance to reel you in & this is the real him now? Has he said if he plans to leave? Or is he just torturing you & has no intention of going?

Waves. Have been following this thread with increasing disgust at the way you're being treated. Agree with others that you need to get him out of the house.

One way of doing this (if changing the locks is not something that is strictly allowed) might be to lock the door from the inside using the key, chain, deadlock etc so that he physically cannot gain access. Perhaps get an additional lock fitted to the back door for if you need to pop out. Cite 'security concerns' and neglect to give him a key for the new lock. Enlist a friend's handy dh to help you do this while your friend helps you pack all his stuff and dump it outside. If/when he kicks off, call the police. I am sure that they would be reluctant to compel you to let him back in if you are ill, vulnerable and concerned for your personal safety.

Big unmumsnetty hugs for you. When you feel strong enough tell a friend and let yourself cry and grieve for the loss of that man who existed in September. The current man in your house is a bastard and only deserves a wave of the middle finger when he finally moves out.

Your priorities are sound and with HG I can't imagine there's much energy for anything else.

Were you with him a long time before you married? Because that is one hell of a change in a few short months .

Morning waves - thinking of you today and I really hope the GP is able to help later x

No wonder you're so confused with such a massive change.

I can understand why you'd want to reconcile and have the old dh back, but could you ever really rebuild the trust? I feel so sad for you. He's let you down in the worst way imaginable, at a time when you need him most.

Stay strong and please tell your friends so you get some rl practical support.

Have been analysing and reanalysing in my head, and quite sure it (his change in behaviour/disgusting treatment of me) stems back to the blended family issues. DH wanted and expected us all to be one happy family straight away. That hasn't happened, and he is kicking back, wants out, likely feels guilty that his DSs are still not happy and have ongoing jealousy issues, and is projecting that guilt to me (and on to my DCs), looking for ways out, and those ways have involved MIL and OW. Although that doesn't explain why he denies having changed, or having done anything wrong. So maybe he just is a total tosser who picked up early that I was vulnerable, reigned me in with romance and a sham act, and is now being his true self. I don't know.

We were together under a year before we got married in July. Didn't live together before that due to neither of us having a big enough place.

Fact is though, however guilty he feels, or however things have not worked out perfectly from his perspective, it is NO way to treat anyone, let alone your pregnant wife. I really, really do not think that there is any way back from this - in fact, I KNOW this. I feel so hurt and let down. He has been a total sod, and made me so unhappy, when this is meant to be the time we can be happy (as far as hyperemesis permits) and he can be caring and supportive. I think he has shown himself to be a total man-child, very selfish etc.

Off to the doctor again in an hour and a half, keeping fingers crossed that some different medication eases the sickness.

Will he go? What has he said about the practicalities? I really feel that you need to be apart to see the wood for the trees, especially him. While you're all in that house together emotions will be sky high.

Yes, we need to be apart, absolutely. He keeps changing his mind though and is now talking about the next DIY project

I need to tell him that he needs to go, don't I, over and over until he does. Because I have told him this many times this week, and he is backtracking. His DSs are with their mum this weekend, so, after tomorrow night, there are a clear few days when he can actually get himself to another place. Even if it is just to his mum's.

Good luck at the doctor Waves I really hope they get your HG under control soon. Your latest post sounds calm and string again after the wobble you had. It's good to understand where things changed and started going wrong as if you don't think about these things you will always wonder about them. However as you said yourself regardless of his guilt and issues, how he had treated you is so so wrong, totally unacceptable. Hold onto your resolve. Us your mum back now?

Waves Just tell him straight, you gotta go, we have no marriage, your DC's cant come here, as you let them run riot.

Dont be afraid too, we know how strong you are, you just need to realise it.

Yes you need to take control. He's screwing with your head while you're in a vulnerable state.

just read the whole thread. i am so sorry you are going through this waves. i cant even imagine how you feel.

i cant add anything new as you've had some excellent advice already, but just wanted to say i wish i lived closer to do something, anything, that would help or ease your pain

stay strong

If you've only known this brute since July 2011, you've never really known him. How did you meet? How many friends, family etc. did you meet to check him out before getting involved? It doesn't sound like you've spoken to his ex wife much, even though you've been caring for their children a lot of the time. Her story would be illuminating, I think.

Do you think it's possible he was having an affair all along with the ex, but she wasn't prepared to look after his children, so he found someone who would - while carrying on the affair?

Just wanted to add my support...you are doing great, Waves.

Keep telling him you want him out, and give him a deadline. Before his children are home is ideal. You need to rest and recover and that can't happen with him swanning around...and he knows he is messing with your head, that's why he jumps between insulting you and planning house projects. He's keeping you confused and ill because it suits him.

Once he's gone, a weight will be lifted.

That's revealing. Instead of being open and asking you for your number and if he could contact you, he tracked you down via your website.

I bet he did all the fetching and collecting. He would never have wanted you to talk to his ex.

So who is this ex he's having an affair with now? Did she predate the kids mum or was she the one he left home for?

Your original post began with him getting his Mum to help him to move out into a flat. Remind him of that. He's deliberately messing with you knowing how ill you are. So yes, keep telling him it's over, keep telling him he needs to move out, talk about your relationship in the past tense, and try not to engage with him more than you absolutely have to - you have your future to think about and plan, rather than the past.

Hope all went well with the Dr. You are doing so well.

So the person he has been having an affair with, is the mother of his children?

Is that right?

....if it helps, it's likely the change was borne of personality, not circumstance. People with normal consciences don't suddenly become guilt-free, totally selfish, or casually research terminating a life they committed to starting..

Only a psychologist could diagnose sociopathy. But he sounds like one. They often start relationships by being too good to be true: fairy tale like phraseology seems to capture the experience - the perfect man, head over heels, dream come true, happy ever after... and for some reason they tend to be very good at sex.

All those things sound lovely, but normal men are just normal people - they get some things right, some things wrong, but they do care. They would get your prescription without thinking, give up their bed in a second, care for children without being asked: and if you caught them doing something they shouldn't be, they would be guilty or embarrassed. I believe good men are mostly just like good women, except for the bits that make them men!

But He asked why HE should be the one to sleep on the sofa. I said, well, I am pregnant and have hyperemesis, and he said so what. In the end, he went off to the sofa, but only after arguing.

..... whatever you want to call that mindset, it is not normal, it's not loving, and it's not healthy. As you rightly say - it's no way to treat anyone. There is no way back from it.