So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

Oh not the old 'controlling' thing, why do so many use that when they mean, "Doesn't roll over and let me treat her like a doormat". Seemingly a one way street then, no flaws on his part, no need for him to address his behaviour?

Waves - you have so much on your plate right now your brain must be in overload. I do not think that you should waste what little energy you have on trying to figure out what happened in your relationship. Try to concentrate on your prenancy and most importantly feeling better. When you feel better you will be in a better frame of mind to sort out 'D'H.

I could spend hours detailing why your DH's behavoiur is abhorrent, but I don't think you need it right now. Concentrate on you and your baby's well being everything else can and will wait.

Despite what I said above one thing that can't go without comment - your pregnant with his child, you are very ill, he has said appalling things and he wants YOU to sleep on the sofa. Away to fuck!

Waves, don't you dare blame yourself for his shitty behaviour and attitude. Even if you were a miserable old cow (which I don't for a minute believe) a loving, caring partner would talk to you about what was making you miserable and try to help you through it. A loving, caring partner would not start conducting an affair, researching late abortions and making exit plans with his mother behind your back.

If he had any decency there'd be no question that the pregnant, ill lady gets the bed. There is no way he should tolerate the way his kids speak to you either. He's treating you with the contempt he deserves and is trying to control you.

Please don't jump through any hoops for this pathetic excuse of a man. He's cold and callous and you deserve somebody a whole lot better.

I'm happy to join the picket line in my 'Team Waves' t-shirt.

waves Taking yourself from the picture, will any slight decent man do and say those things he did and said? ALL THE TIME, IT'S ABOUT HIM, REGARDLESS IT WAS A MUTUAL DECISION TO CONCEIVE THIS CHILD IN YOUR TUMMY AND YOU ARE SO WEAK IN A PREGNANCY? He is a narcissistic and selfish guy who has not the tiny sense of responsibility as a grown up. He only wants things in his way, otherwise he would change his mind and withdraw from whatever commitment he engaged in.

DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN LIVE WITH SUCH A MAN FOR YEARS TO COME? NO DIGNITY AND NO SELF-ESTEEM?!

Remember, waves, he wanted a baby only a few months ago and then he wanted to stop that little life you created because he's not happy with the way things are without being an adult and talking with his wife to prove things. What a man? It is beyond horror.

sorry, i meant wothout talking with his wife to improve things.

Maybe because the old you had not yet seen the light and put up with his crap? Maybe you were easy to control, and your refusal to be treated like shit is what he interpret as you being "horrible and controlling".

He just isnt a very nice man.

Yep, "horrible and controlling" is what men say when they actually mean "She has a mind of her own and is actually arguing back at me, how dare she?!"

And he is doing a good job of making sure that his sons end up the same as him, that is the real tragedy :(

Stay strong, IT ISNT YOU, it is him, it was always him.

He is so unbelievably horrible. He wanted you to sleep on the sofa? When you're fighting to stay out of hospital? Seriously?

You poor thing. Just. Whoa.

If he wants to sleep in a bed, he can move out.

He takes the path of least resistance hence letting his boys muck about or be aggressive with your DCs. He can blame it on you being soft with yours or too harsh with his. It's such a cop out. Even if his sons come first when visiting, he is married to you and knew you both had children already. To the outside world - his mother - he'll use it as an excuse for opting out - it takes time to settle and adjust, what the hell did he expect. Rather handy having such an ongoing problem if he had belated second thoughts. He's not doing his sons any favours in the long term. Btw I don't think you can count on his ex wife as any kind of ally, she may not wish you ill but there may be some schadenfreude about your marriage being in such trouble so soon.

Who does he run to - an ex gf. How convenient! I suppose because she's receptive and not too fussy, he thinks he's got it made. Maybe he banks on you being so protective of your unborn child, you'll move out and let him move his gf in.

Fancy waiting until you are vulnerable and then drop the news that 'he's unhappy' and regrets your pregnancy. I'm sorry but I bet he'll say you pressured him into it, or tricked him. He'll be sweet and sour to you and it's all an act. Remember, how he treats you to your face, and how he details his marriage to outsiders, probably varies enormously. No doubt he thinks you'll cave in to whatever he says and give in for a quiet life.

His exwife may not be an ally as such, but she may not want her children live in such a toxic environment, with step mum sick and dad abusive.

Waves when you speak to his exwife, I suggest you tell her that you are really sick, throwing up a lot from hyperemesis in your pregnancy, you struggle to take care of your own child and have had to rope in help to take care of her.
You and your husband argue a lot as he has chosen this time to get back with an ex girlfriend, but is refusing to move out. You dont think it is good for the children to be subjected to this. Tell her it is not a good environment for the kids, and you thought you should tell her so she can make an informed choice as a parent not to let her children come to yours under the circumstances. Tell her your husband is currently very happy to have them here, as it gives him ample opportunity to score points against you, but you dont find it fair that the children are used in this way.

If he is out a lot, leaving the children in your care, you should also mention this.

Dont angle it as you need her help, appeal to the parent in her. She might think everything is fine, and that her children are spending time in a stable environment. Contacting her and telling her what it is really like is the right thing to do, for the children.

I'm sorry it's almost a carbon copy of what my H said. And he spent 3 years wavering between being "nice" & like he used to be & threatening to leave & telling me how controlling & awful I was. He allowed his DD to speak to me like shit & if I reprimanded her or complained called me a bully. I know how hard it is to admit he has turned out to be an arse especially when you're pregnant. I clung on for dear life & all my self confidence gradually wore away. I should have chucked him out (it was my house!) but was too ashamed to admit another marriage had failed so quickly.

Yes PQ I agree, from that viewpoint the boys' mother should know what is happening, but I don't think I would bank on the ex wife being any more helpful than his M, that's all.

Just to put things in perspective for you hon. My partner offered to sleep on the sofa because he snores! This man should not be expecting you to sleep on the sofa!!!! Thats ridiculous. And in a normal rrlationship that falls apart there is always a few weeks of tears and did i do the right thing? Thats normal and it will pass but the sooner he moves out the better for you. Speak to a solicitor and ask them your rights about getting him out. Ring social services and tell them his verbal abuse is bad for your health and that of your unborn baby. They will listen. You can't move on till he's gone. I wish i lived close to you. We have lots in common with mum issues as well. If your mum is like mine, it's not that she doesn't want to help, but that she is ver stressed and anxious about her own life and cannot cope with any more. Accept what help she will give. Could she commit to having your DC's every friday night and bring them back sat tea time? You could look forward to that rest and order 'him' to take his children out on the saturday so you can have an empty house and some calm. It's so hard but you can do it! Think about where you want yo be in 6 months time, the summer. Keep thinking "by the summer i will be happy and this will be over". Will keep you going.

Oh Waves. What a horrible, selfish manchild.

When children are born, of course relationships change. That's normal. Decent adults understand that children come first when they are so very young and dependent, and adapt and support each other accordingly.

Of course he wants the old you back. But don't you want the old him back too? And don't you acknowledge that life and priorities are different once children come along, and just get on with it?

Aside - I want the old pre-children me back sometimes too, but it's never going to happen is it?

He is being so awful. I think he is trying to drive you out of the house.

Please please just look after yourself and your children, don't do anything for him and I would also encourage not doing anything for his children too. Seems unfair to bring his children into this but if they are treating you with so little respect, then perhaps it is necessary to show them that you are not just their skivvy and scapegoat.

Take care xx

Hello Waves, really pleased you have people coming to help you out - keep accepting the help.
Your H is a total shit! Just who the hell does he think he is?! Bastard!
((()))) xxx

Look after yourself and your children, they are your family he has made it very clear he has opted out of that unit. He is actively encouraging his children to show you no respect he is showing you what he thinks of you. Do not accept it.

Get to a solicitor asap and take steps to have him removed from the house. No idea of the legalities of this but you need to find out asap what you can do to ensure your own childrens and your babies future stability and security. You can't worry about his children right now (he isn't worrying about yours and is quiet prepared to see you all out on the street). They have another place to go, you and your children don't, he is choosing to bring them into this.

Your husband is right about one thing, you do need to change. You need to stop giving him headspace or any leeway to make you doubt yourself. Put on the mask of strenth (even if you don't feel it) and show you will not be dragged down to the worthless level he wants you to be at.

He is trying to break you because once you have left the house it will be a hell of a lot harder for you to do anything about it.
What he wants is a doormat who is happy to cling on to any peice of hiim he has to offer when he wants an ego boost. It doesn't matter what hoops you jump through they will never be enough so don't destroy yourself trying.

He's an asshat and is trying to make you out to be the unreasonable one.

Keep on getting all the help you can, good luck for the future, stay strong.

*strength

Waves This is NOT your fault, he changed, hes being shitty and controllling , now hes trying make it feel like your fault, it is not your fault, its his fault, and until he sees that, you cant resolve this, start thinking about yourself.

And hes blaming you, because hes been caught out, my ex did this to me, said i had to change, and thats the reason hes an ex.

Waves, I know you're feeling ill, but please get legal advice as soon as you can. Don't move out, as I'm pretty sure it can and would be used against you. If you pay every thing into a joint account, try and change that as I think financially separating yourself will help protect your interests. I'm worried that if he'd already been making plans to leave then he might already be working out the financial side. Although, the backpedling and stalling suggests he's playing for time so hasn't sorted stuff yet.

I don't want to worry you, but I don't want the dickhead to shaft you either.

what a dickhead! He doesnt want this baby at all does he?

Stay strong waves

Totally chilling behaviour. I imagine in some way you might have been protecting your mum and friends and not telling them everything you're telling us here? Because if i met someone at a bus stop and they told me all these details i would be over their house with a pitchfork and flaming torch. I just don't think if the people around you knew the real situation they would be so muted in their support? It's not weak to tell people how awful someone else's behaviour is. It's no reflection on you.

You're too ill to take it all in now, but this man is a total excuse for a human being.
He is beyond vile. Anyone who can treat their pregnant wife like this, especially one who is as poorly as you (been there, but without DC to look after, so you have my heartfelt sympathy in spades), is an absolute bastard.

When you feel a bit better, read through this thread again. Take in the advice you have been given (especially about the legal side) and realise that no decent man who had the tinest feeling for his wife, could treat her the way he's treated you. And you are not responsible for him behaving like this. It's all down to him.

Get any help you can, and be honest about who and what he is. It's no reflection on you and people need their eyes to be open.

Waves, you have my greatest sympathy. You poor thing.

I hope your doctor friend has helped you, and given you a bit of advice as to what agencies near you can give you help.

Behaviour under stress show what a person is really like. You are showing that you are a strong person who will struggle on through hard times. Your h is showing that he is a piece of shit.