So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

Again - would it be possible for you to leave? Awful I know but I can't see him going!

Waves I would contact her, fuck him, if he wants to have his kids in future, then hes just gotta move out, simples.

I really feel sorry for you.

But I think it might be easier for you to get him out, if you get his children out first? Call his ex and say that the children can no longer have access with their dad at yours as you have in fact split up, and he is currently building a new relationship with somebody else.

I also think you need to get legal advice pretty sharpish.

Agree with Pure Make it clear to him, his ex and his Mum that since you have split up you will no longer have his children at yours. Leave it to him to organise what to do next.

Oh, dear waves . :( Toxic, I can believe? like so many very good, very intelligent and highly conscientious women, you have no concept of putting yourself first - even if your life is at risk. You have been sculpted into a magnet for a conscience free, morally corrupt man.

Reflection is for later though - for now, your health comes first. Be brave and impose on a friend - someone - for anything, even just to talk! Imagine if you had a friend suffering as you are, and she felt she couldn't call you. If you don't have that good a friend, ring Women's Aid and tell them the situation you're in.

Doctor first, though, as you still seem to be very ill. You need practical, caring help, today.

waves please please please ask for help, your friends will want to help you. And you will no doubt get a chance to repay them in the future. You are being so strong but you can't get through all of this on your own, nobody could, it's too much. I'm so sorry your mum wasn't more supportive - have you told her the full story, all the terrible things he's said and done?

As for nobfeatures - ignore, ignore, ignore. Every time he tries to say literally anything at all to you, adopt a glassy eyed expression and just let it wash over you. He is beyond unimportant now, don't credit him with a single moment further of your headspace.

Oh waves, I'm so sorry.

Another one who says you should contact his ex, tell her it's a shitty place for them to be in atm (mention you've split up, but play on how bad it is for his kids at yours right now).
He's got somewhere to stay (his mum's), so somewhere he can see his kids, but he's choosing to stay put at yours just to fuck with your head & show you how much he wants you to think you need him.

Don't worry about imposing yourself on other people, if there is anyone you can ask for any help (even if it's just cooking your kids a meal one night) please do, you'll feel better letting it all out to someone, and the more people supporting you, the stronger you'll feel.

If I were closer to you I would be over yours like a flash.
You're not horrible or a bitch in anyway, please try to ignore his bullshit. x

waves Don't be afraid of asking for help. As someone else just said, you would get a chance to repay when they need your help! But first thing is that you have to get through this yourself first! For your DCs and for the little one in your tummy!

waves "Raising my DCs as a single mum and holding down full time work, part time teaching and regular performing means I have been quite solitary". Look at what you have achieved ! Raising two children yourself and still balanced your career. Do you really fall into the trap he put in front of your face making you believe you are nothing? Really? Please think from a 3rd person point of view, taking yourself out, would you really agree on the way he defines you??? DON'T FALL INTO THE TRAP!

waves I personally feel that he's getting dangerous. He's determined to win, because he knows you are vulnerable and you have not as much support as you would like when you are there. The best way to deal with it is to see through his tricks and ignore him at all. He can't win, he would feel like the biggest fool in this planet. But be ultra cautious to protect yourself and your DCs. Especially if he's really upset about you, there's a chance he might turn to your children. (hope I am not making it sounds to scary). I WOULD WISH YOU GO TO FIND A LAWYER OR SOLICITOR ASAP. You need legal help, as it's getting too nasty and you wouldn't be able to handle yourself. It doesn't sound safe!

Mumsnetter Anyone lives in Channel Islands? Or anyone knows where waves could seek for help there?

waves quite stunned at your mother's response. Quickly moving on, please lean on a suitable friend, you must have an ally near you. Don't be embarrassed or minimise things.

I can't believe he 'd foist his sons on you whilst you're so unwell - there again I could, as he sounds conniving and heartless. I assume they'll be back at their other parent's tonight or tomorrow?They're not old enough to know what Dad's up to, just glorying in being allowed to run amok.

If MIL ever did a decent thing in her life now would be the moment to help him move out and have her grandsons round her house.

Have a look on local.

Maybe his mum could help move him on?

One of those moments where i wish i lived closer to someone ... well you certainly have MNetters here and all our collective support, but please ask in RL as i think that extra bit of help would make all the difference ( sorry your Mum hasn't been more supportive !) xxxxx

Waves, don't be embarassed to ask for help. Just as one here we are all wanting to help if geography permitted, there are RL people around you who would so want to help if they just knew you needed it, and would be quite upset to think that you struggled on without asking. It can be a start for you to get to know some people better maybe.

Do contact his ex and to heck that he won't like that. (He probably wouldn't like it because she saw through him too and he knows you two would have too much in common!). She should know the toxic environment he is creating at your home and she is sending her DC's into, also that you are being very sick regularly and they are being exposed to that too. If it would help to convince you, she has a right to know IYSWIM, especially if he is being abusive (to you) infront of them. Also, you should not have to put up with his DC1 speaking to you like that. You would want to know if you were sending your DC's to stay somewhere. You are not stopping him seeing his DC's, there is his Mums or his OW, but now you are over, they shouldn't be coming in to your home.

Take care, and rest up. Get some help sorted as soon as you can tomorrow -medical, legal, and RL support.

I am not sure your Mum supports your relationship with your H in the first place or your pregnancy and this is why she is 'supportive' from a distance.

Pretty sure your H is trying to cause you as much stress as possible in the hope of you miscarrying and then 'life can get back to normal' for him

OP, I am nowhere near CI but wish I could help you some way.

waves I am so sorry I don't live closer. I would really love to help. I'm disappointed your mum is not more supportive :(
I agree with the posters who suggested you should get in touch with his ex and also try and get a doctor's home visit. It is paramount you look after yourself.

((((Waves)))), so sorry your mum has responded like this. Keep posting. xxxx

Small progress. I texted about 10 people, either family or friends or mums of the DCs school friends and already have someone coming tomorrow lunchtime to help out with getting me a bit of toast and generally being company. Was a huge risk for me, and took courage to ask, but I've done it now.

Mum and I have a turbulent relationship and always have done. Mega back story but I hoped that she might be able to offer emotional support this time, but evidently not. She has her own issues and her way of coping is to not get involved I think. That said, she is having my DCs to sleep tonight so I can stay in bed in the morning and for that I am really grateful. I am really pleased that she is able to support me like this, was quite a different story 7 years ago.

On my phone as laying in bed trying not to be sick so can't read the messages too easily, but all of you are helping me so much. Thank you .

Well done Waves. Honestly, people will really want to help. Just be open as you have here and you'll have a brilliant RL support network in no time. Have the courage to accept it (and I speak as someone who also hates asking for help), it will give you the support you need to get well and see your way through this awful time. Hope you feel better soon.

Hope you have a restful night and tomorrow is a bit easier.

A small step to help but at least she's made that offer and it will enable you to have less to worry about tonight and first thing tomorrow. One day at a time. Glad your friend is coming over tomorrow you shouldn't feel awkward about asking for a hand because honestly, to use a phrase you're worth it. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

Just caught up waves. H is a twunt. Sounds like you're getting better than you can expect (?) from your mum. Glad you've got some help coming tomorrow - very brave of you and we're proud all proud of you on here I'm sure.

If those drugs aren't working and you're still puking, please get a Dr out to see you (you mustn't try to get to the GP yourself).

Sleep well my dear.

So so pleased to know.about the progress, waves. Not very easy to ask, but it is the right thing to do. You know it.

All in all, the fundamental goal is to get through this shit and finish with this guy. So any support would be extremely helpful. We all need help from others at some point of time in life. You would otherwise be willing to offer help as well. And sometimes this would.bring you invaluable friendship as well.

Please please make sure you seek for legal advice ASAP. This guy has too many nasty ideas behind. You need to be better prepared to protect your DCs'interest and yourself.

A big for having the courage to contact people! I know it takes guts to ask - it does for many of us on this board...

It's great that your mum is helping in a practical way; this will surely make a difference. Sometimes practical and emotional help come from different sources. Though it's painful when those closest just don't get it. I know.

Hurray for the toast-bearing friend coming tomorrow, tell her MN loves her (or him) :)

I have 3 people popping in today

Feel physically awful, so trying to stay as still as possible. One of my friends popping round today is a GP so I'll ask her for some advice too.

I am feeling so fragile though, emotionally. I want things to be how they were, I want him to love me. I asked for a quick chat last night and asked what his intentions were etc. Ended up with me asking him what he wanted. He said he wanted the woman he married back instead of the miserable, stroppy, controlling person he finds himself living with, and that he would have run 10 miles away from the person I am. So now I am back to thinking maybe I need to fix things, or fix me. Although I did stick up for myself and say I didn't want him sleeping in bed. He asked why HE should be the one to sleep on the sofa. I said, well, I am pregnant and have hyperemesis, and he said so what. In the end, he went off to the sofa, but only after arguing

I don't know what to do. I felt so resolved, and then he was sort of nice yesterday when he got home, and then I wavered, but then he was horrible again, but then I am thinking it is my fault for being so awful. But then I don't want this to be the rest of my life. I hate not trusting him, I hate that he encourages (or at least refuses to sanction) the way his boys treat me and speak to me, I hate that he is so uncaring, I hate that he makes me doubt myself. But we were so happy, and I want that back. I am feeling so, so confused and I wish that he would just go.

"I said, well, I am pregnant and have hyperemesis, and he said so what."

There's your answer, surely.