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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
Zhx3 · 03/02/2013 01:23

Waves, I'm so sorry to hear what this shitbag is putting you through. Tosser.

Is your mum staying with you? It would be good if she could.

Do nothing for him. No cooking, no washing, no errands.

Take care x

Midwife99 · 03/02/2013 04:13

Maybe contact women's aid for advice & your local domestic abuse helpline - because that is what it is. Again the Lundy Bancroft book describes the over the top romantic gestures abusive men use to catch their prey.

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord · 03/02/2013 05:04

Wow

He just keeps proving how much of a nasty wanker he is doesn't he.

I'm sure this is giving you the strength you need to get rid of him though.

Stay strong we're all here for you Smile

vole3 · 03/02/2013 06:25

Let him wear the trousers, just rub the groin seams with freshly cut chilli first.

If his mum is so keen to see him move out, why can't she house him and her grandsons? Did you ever write the letter to her setting out the current situation and your knowledge of her part in it? Might shame her into getting him out for you......

Sending you hugs

SanityClause · 03/02/2013 08:46

That is what I thought, as well, Athing and Midwife. Like a dog pissing all over it's territory.

You are doing brilliantly, waves. I'm so pleased your DM is back to look after you, so you are not dependant on twunt, while you are ill.

whosthis · 03/02/2013 10:08

If he's wicked in nature, I suspect his mum is well aware what kind of nasty person her son is... Any chance to get her on your side? It would surprise me...

AbsintheMinded · 03/02/2013 10:23

I wish I go there and kick his ass for you. He is such a scumbag.

Can your mum move in with you for a while?

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 03/02/2013 11:17

HATEFUL LITTLE SHIT

LimelightsontheChristmastree · 03/02/2013 13:59

He really is a massive cunt isn't he? You are so strong though OP! Such good advice here, and please do keep checking in for some MN style bigging up. I honestly think you're amazing!

wavesandsmiles · 03/02/2013 14:05

Hello, feeling utterly crap today and quite convinced that the stress is making my Hyperemesis worse. He is being a shit. Mum had my DCs to sleep last night so I could rest but the twunt has done sweet fa to stop his DSs running about, yelling and banging. When I finally struggled downstairs to ask for some quiet I got yelled at by him and DSS 1 told me to shut up. I honestly don't know how to get through this.

I asked mum for some support but as I feared she said that whilst she is on my side it is for me to sort out as I am 34 and quite capable of sorting out my own problems.

Not keeping anything down and unless that improves I reckon I'll be back to hospital. I don't think I can even find the energy to get dressed let alone start making legal appointments. I don't know what to do.

I'm feeling so stupid for falling for him, and giving up the security and independence I had worked so hard for. And starting to think that maybe he is right and it is all my fault and that I am horrible and controlling and a bitch and everything else he says.

OP posts:
BlackStiltonBoots · 03/02/2013 14:24

Hi, I am late to this thread but have read it all. I'm so sorry for what's happened. It made me so Angry to read what you have been put through.

None of this is your fault, don't start thinking like that. He has done this and he is enjoying being a bastard towards you now. Try not to engage with him at all now, just focus on looking after yourself. Pretend he's not there (unless this is likely to make him violent).

I wish your Mum had been a bit more understanding- yes, you're an adult but you are having a horrible time and a bit of emotional support would have been good for you, as well as the practical support.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice about getting him out of the house, apart from going to a solicitor when you feel up to it and not doing anything for him. I just wanted to offer you a bit of a hand hold really.

Midwife99 · 03/02/2013 14:25

No you are not all the things he says!! Could you bear to leave? To just go & rent somewhere for you & DCs & let the legal process get you your equity? Do you have the funds to be able to do that? You need to get away from him.

wordyBird · 03/02/2013 14:29

Support means helping a dangerously sick, pregnant woman when she is left with children and a sociopath for company. Not telling her how old she is...

Waves, if the support you have is generally as meagre as that (I'm sorry, I really would expect much more, even if she means well.. )... you might have to call on outside agencies for help. At least tell the doctor that you are in this position. Other posters may have some ideas too. This environment is wrecking your health.

No you are not twisted, controlling or anything else. These thoughts result from his attempts to blame you, control your thinking, and affect your attitude towards yourself. Reject them out of hand. They are his own projections. They have no basis in fact.

Your health is paramount now... give the doctors a call and tell them how you feel. I don't like to hear that you're still vomiting, it's not too good. ((Hug))

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 03/02/2013 14:29

Waves, dont you dare start doubting yourself, your fecking amazing, he is the cunt with the problem, hes just disgusting, and one day you'll summon the strength to give it to him both barrels, i hope it starts to sink in how much a cunt he is.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, and if all us MNetters, have to come to yours and make that twat feel awful we would, i'd make him feel 2ins tall, guaranteed.

Stay strong, we are still here for you, dont let this streak of human excrement bring you down.

AThingInYourLife · 03/02/2013 14:33

"I asked mum for some support but as I feared she said that whilst she is on my side it is for me to sort out as I am 34 and quite capable of sorting out my own problems."

Shock

You are pregnant, seriously ill to the point of hospitalisation, attempting to get out of an sbusive relationship and your own mother rejects your cry for help?!

Fucking hell, wavesand, I'm starting to see how you were vulnerable to his bullshit.

I hope I never fail my daughters as she has just failed you.

Midwife99 · 03/02/2013 14:33

Women's Aid can help I'm sure.

LiveItUp · 03/02/2013 14:38

NOOOOoooooo. Do not start to believe him. You are very ill and he is doing the absolute minimum to help with that. Infact, he is doing all he can to exacebate that. As he is being a total arse so unreasonable, could you contact his DC's Mum to ask her to keep her DC's there for a couple of weeks. Surely she might understand?

Disappointed your Mum can't see that you need more support. Ok, not with your DH if she feels that way, but at least support with your DC's and general house stuff while you are being so ill. Does she want to see you back in hospital again? Confused If she won't help more, you must ask people around you etc. People want to help. Any Mums of your DC's friends?

If you could indicate slightly where you are, I'm sure there are people on here who would help - I would if you were Midlands?

AnyFucker · 03/02/2013 14:56

"a crazy display of romance with him standing outside my work holding up a poem he wrote on big bits of card....to this."

That is a bad thing, not a good thing. Beware the charming man, the overblown gestures of "romance".

Midwife99 · 03/02/2013 14:59

"This Charming Man" by Marian Keyes illustrates that exactly!

AnyFucker · 03/02/2013 15:00

yup

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 03/02/2013 15:08

I just thought is it possible hes deliberately causing stress, maybe in hope that Waves has a miscarriage.

Jux · 03/02/2013 15:09

Can you get a home visit from a doctor?

You really need to get some rl support - real support, not the bare minimum your mum is providing. WA, midwife, health visitor, any and all.

Get on the phone as soon as you can and start telling the health professionals what is going on. The last thing you want is to wind up back in hospital.

He is a truly nasty piece of work. I suspect he is hoping that the worst will happen, and you will all go back to how it was before.

wavesandsmiles · 03/02/2013 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbsintheMinded · 03/02/2013 15:10

Who doesn't help a sick, pregnant friend? Especially one that has just found out that their husband is a lying toad.

It's not about you being able capable, it's about her not wanting to help.

You're doing an amazing job already and I hope someone will help you and give you a bit of support.

And that H is a bully. Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

AbsintheMinded · 03/02/2013 15:14

I know if I were near you I'd be there in a flash. Do reach out and ask for help. People will only give what their able and you might be surprised by how differently people act.

I know myself about the unsupportive family and used to think everyone was as self centred as them. I am still shocked to this day by some of the kindness that people freely give as I am not used to it.

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