Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I do feel better arth thank you. I do feel better because I know I have hit the bedrock of everything that has been going on for me for all these years and that knowledge empowers me to finally get a handle on it all. I do feel very shaken tho, and delicate from yesterday's quakes. It is good, I know that. it is facing it, finally, and I will face it again next week to whatever degree I can cope with. I know tho that I will have to come to terms with those two major 'threats' in order to diminish them - I'm smiling to myself about the link I badly posted, and hearing it played back, it was so great to LOL to. The friend that sent it is a counsellor!

and, yy, absolutely the complete crap that is laughable. Sadly realising that I have spent many years believing it all deep down so that I can't say who I am (or absolutely am not the things I was called because of the humiliation and shame I carry -carried?). I am feeling more cross that FW managed to convince me of any of his BS. FWm & FWf did the same, so my identity was more about their opinions than mine, i get that.

It is very encouraging the contempt with which you treat his rubbish, and others here, its all very healthy and I hope very much to be towing that line (congruently) myself soon. thank you. xx

poor DD2 leclerc :( Can I hate your FW for you for creating this situation?

I have snooped, and hated it, Leclerc but knew there was terrible stuff going onthat was tearing apart the souls I explained that a condition of fb is that I will check in from time to time (the FW family have links and say inappropriate stuff - whch I don't knock off, but try to advise to manage - but would step in if it goes too far). and I did find an abusive 'friend' trying to link who was vaguely known, when I checked out the fb page there was hate speak, and porn, and women hate speak, on-line arguments that included the worst language and threats of * to each others mothers. I showed it and discussed it then reported and blocked it.

there were also very inappropriate [crying, guilt tripping] phones calls from FW, which I jumped on and told him I would bar his number if there were any more and starting monitoring texts, which I am open about doing from time to time if I suspect anything underhand going on.

I also very very very bad mummy pried into diary, to try to get an understanding of what was going on, without directly involving DC, which was a huge eye opener and the catalyst to change everything, as I was able to give support in the right areas, ask for help as to how to deal with stuff to help DC, and stuff got managed and resolved by helping the DC resolve it.

If I see stuff, I don't get involved, I am just aware and keep an eye to how it is being managed. I do think they have to see FW for who he is and not through my eyes, but learn strategies for any bad feeling as a result. I am stepping back from all these things now. Dc show me, point out stuff on fb anyway which we share a laugh from, and I monitor [flesh on] photos, restricting cameras in bedrooms for s/overs etc. Now that contact has settled into a routine its calmed down he's never called anyway even though the offers been there, only when he's not getting what he wants and he weedles his guilt trips - 'missing you sooo much' after he stopped all contact, etc. sad and pathetic.

Well that was too long, good luck. I'm off to stats - oh! tired already! xx

I am going to leave my stuff open too, based on words above, but I have said in the past that everyone must respect each others' privacy and personal things. From hearing secrets from friends, to reading others' private things, or overhearing conversatons and getting the wrong end of the stick I am trust to not share secrets given to me and I expect my private life to be my own (well as much as you can with DC!) caveat! anything worrying should always be shared!!

The difference is, he is interested in finding out everything he can about me, and I don't want to know about FW.

Fi and leclerc, it is horrible, horrible to try to teach children to grow up able to distinguish between secrets and lies, which are poison, and bounderies, which are life and health when they have a f*ing FW in front of them, for whom the distintiction has no meaning - except that what is his is his and what is everyone else's is his, too.

I think thats beautiful Leclerc [the daffs developing photographically]

arth thank you, another reason to laugh today except that what is his is his and what is everyone else's is his, too.

Today whilst Leclerc is immersed in her flower therapy (if I may call it that?), I am engrossed in laughing therapy (hence the clip I shared earlier).

If you are feeling low, weary, depressed or just fancy a giggle anyway (hopefully that covers everybody!), have a look at this:

hasten to add leclerc none of DC friends are like this!!!

As is the nature of Farcebook, this was a 'friend of a friend' who aren't really friends thing There are a load of kids all linked in previous schools, and someone at the school was linked to this person who is busy adding friends trying to contact strangers to look like has more 'real friends' than everyone else and sent an invitation through, which I noticed as unfamiliar person, so checked it out, and horrified!

I had to think long and hard about my reasons, to ensure that I was doing everything to protect (whilst also protecting important privacy) as these boundaries are new to me too.

I've not been able to get back to this thread sadly, damned RL getting in the way again.. Sick DS, a joint sleepover with my mum, all good, but no time to MN.

LeClerc, wrt the new number, I would change your number on the kids phones if you think they are likely to tell FW.

You are doing this for a reason, to get yourself some headspace. You have a right to it and no-one has the right to stop that.

What have you told your DC btw? are you telling them the appropriate truth? If you are not, then you will be painted the villain by FW and they will have no defence to it and will believe him.

I would sit all your DC down and say to them that you and FW are split, because he was mean to you and that in the end, when you live with mean people, it hurts everyone, makes them sad, especially children. Tell them that they are safe with him, but that he uses words and actions to his own advantage and often this is not good for others.

Remind them that you are always there for them, and that if they are unsure of anything, to come and ask you and you will always tell them the truth.

Then if they are on board, tell them that you are going to get a new number that he won't have, so that he can't hurt you anymore.

I found the truth not only set me free, it reduced the risk of being the one that broke the family up too. I was buggered if I went through all that I did, just for DS to think that it was me that pushed his 'perfect dad' away. I didn't want him growing up to think his dad was in any way a role model.

LeClerc, have you discussed this in your FP session? that's a great place to get ideas and approaches from too.

LeClerc, my Ex told me that he had taken copies of all my emails ever written and would harangue me for hours over the supposed contents.

these people have no right to do this, and this breach of your confidentiality needs to be stopped definitively. Your DC need to know this, that snooping on anyone is out of order.

apparently its not funny, but boring!

face, bovverd!

leClerc if he is likely to ask why doorstep handover, don't been drawn in. Just say you have decided it's best.

Fi, going to have a look (and a laugh) later, much needed here too.

Leclerc, glad all went well with DD, and well done for tackling it - I put stuff like that off out of fear of it going badly and not knowing how to handle it, but you always get straight onto getting these issues tackled. Am in awe of you (generally , but today on this issue!). You is smashing.

And I know what you mean, I've had a bad couple of days in my head after seeing FW on Wednesday - nowt happened, but I just felt rubbish after it as always. But today I've felt empowered and together - sorted out my outstanding invoices that I've been putting off spotting a theme yet?, sorted out some work that I have to do over the weekend. Felt great.

Then, a text from FW. He's had my solicitor's letter trying to negotiate on his demand that I pay half the mortgage payments. He says the letter is 'unclear' (although to be honest the first part of his text, going on about estate agent fees, doesn't make any sense to me). And then says if we can't reach an agreement before starting to sell the house, it'll 'need' to be 50-50 split (because at the moment he has me over a barrel because he's 'allowing' me to get back my original deposit). He ends by saying I don't want to drag it out, I'm sure you don't either. I replied just saying I'd email him later. (But maybe I should be getting the solicitor to clarify things?)

And, as if by magic, I'm back in stomach-churning, anxious-headedness. But need to sort myself out because I've got several hours' work to get through tonight...

Pony, don't worry about a thing. You can't do anything about any of it anyway, not until Monday.

The pressure he's placing to sort it is more FWery. The mantra to that is 'it'll take as long as it takes'

you could always say that if he doesn 't understand what a letter says, that he could ask his solicitor to explain it to him... But that the letter seemed perfectly clear to you gaslight the bastard back

Don't allow him to engage you on this. He knows what he's doing.

Well, I nearly got a whole day of being happy on my birthday. Picked up dd to get a card. "To my beautiful wife". All in French on the inside, as is tradition. "The fire of our love has been extinguished, but the memory of your smile will live on in my heart. I will love you til the end of my days"

Thanks for that. Crying on my birthday. Again. Told him if he loved me so much, why had he spent all that time picking me to pieces, finding fault with everything I do, calling me names, shouting at me? Then he was trying to hug me, still no proper apology.
Glad I am going out tomorrow night with my best friends, who actually love me for who I am, not who they want me to be.

Sorry for the 'me' post. I am feeling sorry for myself tonight.

Just checked the links, Fi and Leclerc

Go for it matchsticks, it IS all about you today. No-one else is important, not today.

Today is the last birthday that you put up with this crap. Next year his card will be marked 'retun to sender' and you will be stronger, wiser and happier.

He extinguished the love you had for him. HE did! He doesn't know the meaning of the word love.

Love doesn't hurt, humiliate, lie, tear to shreds, upset, destroy, maim or hobble.

No, love lifts us up, it makes us more than we thought we could be, it makes us float on air, it is the 'home' feeling we've missed all our lives.
Love is great.

Buy the poor illiterate fucker a dictionary. Show him how poor he is that he needs a book to describe what love is, that he's blown it, all by himself. He had you, he had it all, but that he's lost it all, because he was abusive and mean.

Tell him too that the memory of him is seared onto your heart too, but that in time, with therapy, you'll get over all that he's done, and move on to greater and greater things.

(cos you definitely will!)

:( Matchsticks

You are far too clever for me, Hissy!!! I had already composed an email, but will have to rewrite it now!

That said, I know exactly how this will go. I'll suggest he speak to his solicitor on Monday for clarification. He'll come back, accusing me of delaying and being difficult, and insisting again that if I don't I pay for the full amount of the mortgage payments he'll 'need' to go back to a 50-50 split. (In other words, I would rather do a 50 50 split because I feel it's what I'm entitled to, but if I do that I risk looking like the bad guy, so this way I can still get what I want, and make it was your own fault, I offered generously but she was so difficult and making all sorts of unreasonable demands ) My solicitor was a bit wary about sending the negotiating letter at all, feeling that he was quite likely to retract his 'generous' offer of the non 50-50 split at the merest hint of anything from me. So I do want to tread carefully with it, I don't want him retracting - I will agree to his demands for mortgage payment if he really wont go any lower.