Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Happy birthday Matchsticks. Enjoy your night out tomorrow (you and Bertie both) - you deserve it and I know your friends will make you feel better.

Eat cake and toast yourself (with , I mean, not as in... well, you know). You are doing brilliant to see so much of his FWittery now. You will get stronger and stronger.

Can you prove the deposit you are owed? Then put a charge on the property! Means you get paid out THEN the equity gest divided.

Say nothing, part of negotiation is silence. You've sent him a letter, he can accept or not.

Regardless of the discussion, he'll rescind on any agreement just to piss you off, so register a charge and tell him to stfu, put the house on the markeyt and sell it.

Unfortunately not, Hissy. Because we are married (allbeit for just over 10 months before I left), the fact that I put in a much larger deposit than him doesn't matter. Technically, he is 'entitled' legally to claim 50-50, which would net him £15k for an abusive 10 months of marriage. He's using the fact that he's 'allowing' me to get my original deposit back. I don't want him to pay him the mortgage money, but I wont cut off my own nose to spite my face, if there's a chance of getting my money back.

But as soon as the divorce if finalised I'll be changing DS2's name to my own surname, which I had decided I wouldn't do if he played fair

Here's what I'm thinking of emailing (since I've now said I'd be emailing him, can't just ignore now...).

I am sorry that you feel the solicitor's letter is unclear. The basics of what is being said is an offer to pay £1,000 towards mortgage fees, instead of the £2,400 that you are asking for. This takes into account that I have already made other payments for various things along the way that cancel out some of the amount you are asking for. I do not want this to drag out either, but feel the best course of action is for you to speak to your own solicitor on Monday for clarification and to let them know whether you accept this offer, and if so we can then move forward without delay. I am also keen to reach an agreement quickly.

Too much? Should I leave out the bit where I try and give clarification (I'm paraphrasing what's in the letter to try and make it clearer) and just tell him to speak to his solicitor? (I suspect he's trying to sort it out manipulate me himself to avoid more solicitor's fees.)

matchsticks giving you a card that might upset you on your birthday is far from love. You get on with enjoying the final hours of your birthday without him! yay! go screw urself FW! upsettin our girl on her burfday!

take care xxx

yes pony its gonna look to be better to lose face on the few mortgage payments for the greater gain of your dep. back.

Pony - sorry, but why can't you ignore - it is not like he is going to go away - unfortunately.
As Hissy says, leave it until Monday.
Go out for the day tomorrow and communicate with FW through hobnailed boots your solicitor when you have proper advice.

Well, partly because I already told him I'd email him tonight about his text so I don't like to promise something then go back on it (because I'm such a wimp I can't even bear to feel his disapproval...), and partly because I will unfortunately see him in less than 12hrs, when he comes to pick up DS2, and I'm sure he'll mention it if I haven't emailed/responded in some way. I just really don't want to piss him off, I'm committed to playing it as low-key as I can until I get agreement signed off on this.

Then I'd like to pretend that it'll be gloves off, but I suspect that the general effect of me taking off my gloves will be to waft a slightly fusty odour about the place, rather than instilling any real fear in him!!!!

Pony your email is very reasonable but he is not, so will take no notice at all. I would stick with your solicitor. I would imagine your solicitor would advice against using them and then doing things direct as well as it would get confusing. It really doesn't matter if you said you would contact him or not. You don't have to please him, he doesn't want to please you. He enjoys feeling like he is making you contact him, it feeds him. I did so much of this, it got me nowhere apart from worse off.
And I agree with what hissy said - Regardless of the discussion, he'll rescind on any agreement just to piss you off, so register a charge and tell him to stfu, put the house on the market and sell it.

Hi Pony don't communicate with FW over these legal matters or atall it may jeopardise your situation if 'you mention something that you later rely on could be used against you in court!' well something like that. Take legal advice. There is no need for him to have an answer 'right now'.

You're right, you're all right. SO right! no matter how reasonable I try to be, it'll get turned around or thrown in my face (or used against me...). Thanks for talking me through it and reminding me he's a FW!

Right, have been working all evening (honestly! I have!) so am off to bed now. Night all. Yawn.

Hi, have recently split from an ex who was a but ea for the last time. he just cannot see that he has issues but was wondering if any of the other behaviours he had ring any bells with others on here:

He cannot get on with things. endlessly procrastinating over really important things( and then blaming me)

Continually flipping from one extreme and another like no exercise for month then 3 hours a day in the gym everyday or training for a marathon.

Gives up smoking and decides to give up everything else as well and goes on a diet.
Goes back on fags eats until he is bursting out if his clothes and does no exercise at all.
This is almost an annual event.

Spending 3 months playing farmville non stop.

Obsessing about trivial things like where a pen lid has gone but doing nothing about bits of husband house falling down.

Claiming that he knows people have done things when he cannot possibly know.

Being really really paranoid.

And of course constantly hard done by.
But mostly i was just wondering is the flipping from extreme to another is common. He does not do anything in moderation.

this is very quick as my laptop about to die! Minkembra welcome aboard. sorry to hear your news.

I can't personally that anything jumps out at me from your list, other than he's got strange issues? sorry but others may be able to help.

just to say hello really, and encourage you to keep posting.

night all

pony, you don't answer to fw anymore, and tbh, are you certain about the monetary split after such a short marriage? have you contacted Rights if Women, or whatever they are called?

i feel sure that as men use the gold digger defence to protect their assets upon divorce, surely there must be some avenue open to you.

leave the email until you have proper advice.

if he asks you for it say you wrre busy, but that you'll come back to him when you are ready.

thus telling him that he's not pulling all the strings in your life.

hes nnot that important that you'll waste a friday night composing an email too... cripes, who'd do that... ;)

its ok sweety, this is all part of your recovery, its a phase we all must go through, the truths we all face.

read your Why Does He Do That, understand that it was him all along, that he chose to hurt you all, to keep you in that situation for his own feed.

he did this, you got them out when you could, you saved them and yourself from more of it, you'll be the one that helps them heal, and are giving them the tools so that they never go throughnthis themselves.

good things will come out of all this, you handled it all perfectly.

Oh leClerc that all sounds agonising, but wailing together is absolutely the right thing.

Having finally put the Christmas decorations box away (at least I had taken them down on 12th night) I have unwound the tinsel

Leclerc, just a flying visit for me as DS1 is poorly acting up, but just wanted to send you hugs. You truly are a brilliant mum, the way you dealt with DD2 (and also DD1 later) so calmly and patiently and got through to both of them in the best, most nurturing way. I know what you mean about the cloud, it hangs over me too, and I worry so much for my lovely stepdaughters still being in it without me as a buffer between them and him any more. Sometimes it weighs me down so much I can't get past it, can't sleep, can't do anything but eat, eat, eat my way through it! I don't know have any advice there about that, but just to say - me too. It's a sign that you are a good, caring, empathetic person - where is the cloud of guilt hanging over our FWs? Non existent. Let's ship the lot of them out to FW BB Island, which will be very small (with a palm tree in the middle) and surrounded by sharks a la the cartoons.

Anyway, DS1 is writhing about in pain noisily again because it's been a while since I popped in to see him, so best go and see to him! Onwards, it's a gorgeous day! love to you all. xx

dd2 needed that leclerc she's been holding onto a lot and now she's let it all out because she's felt safe with you, and safe to challenge you so directly and you were honest with her about that, which is strong of you. She needed to unravel a bit and release her pent up wild emotions. Its him screwing with hteir heads, if he keeps emotionally blackmailing them, they cannot take that (poor me, I miss you, I'm better, your mum is keeping this going, she's the nasty one here). When I've heard this going on I've told DC that the parents are here for the children, definitely NOT the other way around. I say, I am an adult and will manage my own emotions, and that it is wrong of adults to give the children their emotions. It is the childs right to look for help with their emotions to adults, and that is what becoming an adult is all about, but unfortunately some adults never really grow up in that way, and if my DC dad makes them feel sad about his emotions they know that is wrong and definitely not anyones fault but his and they are not involved as they are helpless to do anything. It seems to work! for now! what a day for you all. You are holding them all together Leclerc and doing a brilliant job (although its feels far from that!) some bigs hurdles to cross, and maybe again to reassure that everything is solid and predictable and understandable at home with you as you work through these things together.... (((hugs)))

Hope you alll enjoy the lovely weather today

F all FWs for the fing crappy fathers they are.
Ego fodder, that is all their children are to FWs.
Sorry - can't say it to the kids, so had to say it here [embarrassed]
However, it is all smoke and mirrors, and can be dealt with as such.

that should have been