Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Rubbish, £2 forecourt flowers...if anyone else had sent them I'd be "well it's the thought that counts"...in his case...it's the thought that counts, nearly none and definitely too little too late, ...I wonder what he should have brought....shackles, ball and chain?

Stay safe and stay strong lovely ladies.
Night all

Fi Just read what you said above about believing the shite these FW's come up with. :(
Their pronouncements get wilder and wilder as they get more desperate.
So - here - is our answer to all those FWs.
Volume on max (well maybe earphones at this time and full volume tomorrow morning :

Thanks to everyone for kind words

Mags thanks for support, I will get statement from everyone I can ? gp, boss, etc to show how sane and together I am despite the constant cruelty and undermining over the years. So sorry to hear about effect of mil on your situation. Well done for being master of the poker face ? brave lady ? it shouldn?t be bloody necessary but miserably it is and you are doing so well. The storage run sounds quite james Bond

leclerc - oooh I likee your mantra of ?do one, knob head?. I will chant this to myself whilst smiling strategically as I sit this out. Upstairs surprisingly peaceful ? am really glad I withstood the storm of demanding my space. Also glad I am here because he was sucking the dcs into his mind and I needed to be here to put a stop to that.

Charlotte thank you for encouragement. FW threatened me re my court statement ? told me unless I withdrew what I wrote and said it was made under ?high emotional distress? and was not true, he would ?start a dirty war? that I would regret, would brand me incapable with kids, would fight me tooth and nail. Oddly, while upsetting, this has proved more helpful than his soulful declarations of love and wishes to make it work through his regret and apologies for treating me badly for years (all stemming from his ?frustration? though, so pretty much my fault still ) Ahhhhhhhhhhh and breathe and score the fw bingo.

fi hand holding given with love and support xxxxxxx you are a lovely person and WE (on the thread ? intelligent ladies one and all) SAY SO ? may I suggest you chant that to yourself every time you have a catastrophic thought my lovely.

pony thanks lovely lady

charlotte I like the idea of ?stop? and physically turning to get new perspective ? though to hear about your mum?s ME.

Ahh hugs Fly glad you are doing ok, you are strong and can get through this x

Am awake on my shite sofa again! But just had to say thanks to arth for that you tube clip!!!! I just burst out laughing!! Loving the vintage bbc1 footage at the start too!!! we all defo need to make an album! We could start selling it on i-tunes!! Could maybe fund a FW survivors RL commune piss up gathering?!!

Back to my sofa snoozing then...night ladies..hope friday is ok for all

Just quickly popping on to say it isn't me who lost the flat. Someone mixed me up with someone else up thread.

My birthday today, seeing fw to collect dd later, having picked up ds on my way home, so will end up in there for half an he or dd will want to leave immediately, ds not having seen fw. sigh

Happy birthday MatchsticksForMtEyes

Hope you have a relatively peaceful and minimal contact with FW day [wish there was a chocolate emotion thingy]

Happy Birthday, Matchsticks! (for later, of course

I would tell him handovers outside, but not mention the bag. He'll know you know anyway, so don't rise to it.

Yes we make our own decisions, not all of them are right, but we can deal with that ourselves too.

Leclerc Agree wholeheartedly with Silver
My DD2, a bit older than yours, also went through a period of looking at my emails.
I left them all open and told her I had nothing to hide and she could read them all. In fact, I would like her too because she could know all about me. Put her right off , and she hasn't looked since!
Different if you feel she might be under pressure to report back to FW, though :(
And here's to making choices - right ones, wrong ones, wacky ones ... all ours!
un ashamed plug for my song for the day.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=KihIzAavHlg

Good morning, brave [uber intelligent] ladies of the thread, or (LLoTT - lovely ladies of the thread - new affirming group collective name).

Charlotte yyy, what a brilliant thing (so sorry about your DM, she is getting access to some good stuff though - stuff that pulled a friend of mine out from a life of wipeout - she would only manage to get up barely once a day - and is now back teaching music full time - and more besides - I will find out a link foryou if you think she might be interestd in alook?) but the stop, works, it so does (not in an irish 'so it does' way, but yeah that too), and I thank you for reminding me of one of my own valluable tools (all of which sometimes disappear completley down the pan, when I'm in a mire! -pans and mires blah blah) thank you.

in that vein, I have something here that I found hilarious yesterday, sent by a friend to cheer me... its a bit of a shocker, but it really got my sense of humour and really had me Lol'ing loads.

You'll love it: (I don't know how to do the proper link thingy and still to close to wobbly to go look.

I loved the hugs and thoughts and words of support, thank you all; I couldn't look at anything more yesterday as it would just set me off again and had to load myself off to bed after coming to a calm place with DD to help her face another day.

I have two bigs issues with yesterdays experience (I realised), feeling trapped (and terrified of that because of the closed door policy - I will ask about that next time, but I cannot be trapped, ever again, that was huge and I really hadn't realised until being shut in that room), and huge fear of men (I was really scared that a man may be allowed in - logically I know the reasons and I can't go into the 'man' in this situation, other than to say WA do encourage those involved with DV to come to sessions for their education, like police to learn how to support when it comes up in their work). But it threw me completely, again I realised how scared I am of 'men'. When asked I nodded agreement (complied!). However, I am glad I am aware now and can think about those things more as I will go back, and maybe actually utter a sound!

lovely gentle words Fly thank you ((hug)) , and your lovely link arth I really appreciated your idea too. I did notice you were getting vile threats from FW match and also noted how you just took them as threats and, carried on regardless! How empowering

I have been running around, just getting behind, so no chance to read others threads right now sorry. I hope you are all keeping the faith and holding strong, feeling supported. taking heart here and hoping you all too. xx

Also, remember that DD2 is looking because she is scared, not because she wants to spy. The only way to deal with fear is openness

yy arth to: And here's to making choices - right ones, wrong ones, wacky ones ... all ours!

and all of us being 'I am what I am - need no pretence, need no excuses'

Happy Birthday Match have a lovely day ignoring FW! (and 'ittery') [chocs] or

and many get well wishes for poorly dd leclerc strength for nursing the poorly to you too. x

:( at the reporting back leclerc That is shit :(.
I suppose what I was saying is that I never put parental controls on the TV or on the computer (I don't have boys, who might need different parenting). The girls leave their facebook pages open, and their passwords are saved on the computer, but they expect me not to look. They ask me before posting photos (especially in the summer when everyone wears fewer clothes!), but, obviously, I am not friends with them I think we all would think that weird.
However, FW is a technophobe and has no interest in finding out anything about us, at all - except in making sure that the only one who spends money is him and only on himself.
Sorry this has got garbled. I suppose I am trying to say that the underlying problem is trust and the looking and the reporting, not what she is looking at.
I don't suppose you have anything to hide, so it is another case of bounderies.
Does that make any sense, at all?

Fi hope you are feeling better.
I have posted before that I recognized every foul name and insult FW threw at me for the shite it was when he said that I would never amount to anything because I was eaten up with envy because I had 'only' gone to a comprehensive school . It cracked me up.
Although I have realized, in retrospect, that it was aimed at undermining me with the children: mum's a common thicko being the subscript .
I care enough about the kids to knock that on the head PDQ.