Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I need some sense knocking into me. H has started to be nice to me and I'm feeling guilty and stupid for considering leaving and that perhaps it will be ok. How can I take DD who clearly loves him away from him?

On valentines day I gave him a card - he would have been suspicious if I hadn't. It had 'with love' printed inside, so I signed it from Noone. He started crying that I can't even write that I love him. I felt so bad, like an awful person. I just wanted to hug him and make it better. He told me he hates his life. How can I feel like this?

Sorry Fi, cross posted. The three friends I've asked are all ones that can't visit when FW is here and they live across the country so I don't see them much. Having one of them here would have been perfect. I could go away that weekend myself with DD, but it's so much effort to travel it hardly seems worth it.

No escape plan still - it seems almost impossible. At least the fixed term ends on the mortgage in December so there is a kind of end point.

Hugs to everybody tonight, wish we could have our FW free commune!

Nini, have you spoken to anyone at WA about an escape plan? They might be able to see something you can't?

laptop gonna die, but will run and get cable, nini but just really wanted to quicky say, that it does sound like it really will be worth the effort of going away for you right now. I know it feels like huge effort, but the break could do you such good. xx

noone he hates his life. He started crying that you cannot write you love him.

Him Him Him. where is the bit in this where he is thinking about you, your feelings. a more self aware person might say i am lucky to get a card at all i understand why it is not all hearts and flowers and i am determined to earn your love before next year...not boo hoo poor me.

Ok so i am being harsh (on him not you!) but sounds like he is perfectly capable if being sorry for himself so you should not have to.

One of the ironies in all of this is they put us through it and yet we feel the guilt. but that is because you are a normal genuine person with normal feelings and compassion for other people (unlike the emotionally abusive who save their sympathy for themselves.)

of course you feel bad. you are a good person but try not to let it blind you to the fact that he is unlikely to change and he might be very sad without you but you will have the chance to be happy without him.

I just wanted it all to be ok so much that i kept kidding myself that it would or that i could put up with it but even though i still feel very confused now he has gone, i feel better than i did when i was so resentful and conflicted all the time.

I've never had any contact with WA, Charlotte, only with our local DV group and that was months ago. DD has her 2 year review with the health visitor this coming week so I'm planning on talking to them, to see if they can help. Not sure what they can do.

You're right Fi, maybe a break away would be good. DD would have to be with me though. I'll have a think about what I can do.

Sorry, I'm hogging the thread. You're all such lovely ladies. xx

agree with Charlotte - good suggestion to talk it through with them as actually talking can help clear things a bit for you, and the sound of another human can really reach out to you and help you feel connected and a bit lifted from your isolation tonight (although we're all here with you offering hand-holding) xx

noone And i do know that my ex being reasonably shallow will be sad for a couple of months max. he will find someone else think they are the be all and that they 'saved him' from a terrible life with me and he will milk it for all the sympathy he can get out of them.whilst quite possibly sleeping with anyone else who will have him behind their back.

(as far as i know he did not cheat on me but he has previous for it before me)

so i am not planning on still feeling bad for him while he is off finding his next mug.

Bottom line if they really really cared and they really loved us and they really did not want to lose us, they would treat us better.

And then again i am not so bitter. just relieved that it really is over. And every day i feel a bit less guilty and more like getting on with my life. have the odd pang of grief fir the good times.
But life really is way too short to waste it.

nini lovey don't forget this thread is where you're allowed to be sad and ask for support - absolutely no apologies needed on here I've often wished we all lived in the same village/town - however that would be quite a coincidence what with all the fws so thick on the ground - like the Midsomer murder stats . But wouldn't it be great if we could reach eachother. Still, we can on here and we're here for you my love xxx

yy take DD with you, even a change of scenary and something to aim for can make all the difference, especially when it sounds like the walls are closing in on you there. Perhaps these plans, and talking with WA can occupy this weekend to save you from the despair and torture of a weekend alone with him!?!?!? It'll be a good distraction for you.

Mink yay your post is far from a bitter rant, it's very hopeful and affirming

Very true Fi. Lol Breathe at Midsomer murder stats!

Going to crawl into bed now as can't keep my eyes open. Hopefully FW won't wake up. Big hugs to all.

hope you can have a good rest and be a bit more positive with plans afoot over and above FW boring life in front of telly! sweet dreams xx

mee too .. ... zzzzzzzzzz

Fw has just woken me up- come into my hf of house, knocked on bedroom door , I said come in thinking it was kid related (they're with him tonight) and he suggested lying together for half an hour might unlock something talking couldn't even after I said no this is inappropriate you have crossed a li e etc I had to then repeat it several times as he kept trying dcat appeared and stood protectively on my chest going to try and get back to sleep now but my feeling of safety has gone!

Sorry thus us such a quick shallow post, but I just needed to share with someone. I've just woken up from a lovely dream, I had left fw, was doing my masters and had met someone else who treated me well, and now I'm awake ans deflated that its not real.

FW has already displayed his fwittery by complaining I woke him up getting out of bed.. he was already wide awake though.... Oh and then of course I had to give him a reason why I was getting up, because he always has to know every Damn reason for anything, I think the only thing I don't have to give a reason for doing is breathing.... Dreading the day ahead now.

And sorry for the spelling mistakes

breathe I am furious for you! How dare he invade your privacy like that? I would definitely take the rental property now as he clearly can't be truste to play fair.

breathe that's awful of him. I agree with match, and would be moving out asap.

Dd was sick on me and herself this morning and fw just stood there, not helping at all. Also quizzed why I was wearing a jumper in bed, was I cold, if I was cold why didn't I get another blanket instead. On and on, its so draining. Wish I had someone here to hold my Hans while I tested my mum, and made sure I did, at least then i. would be done, no going back

Hand not Hans and texted not tested!

He then went to sleep in living room leaving kids asleep in his bed (ie downstairs where they were having dad night) - as I found out later when I heard agonised screaming as kids fought madly (morning madness unsupervised by adult IOW), hurting eachother. He continued 'sleeping' on sofa while I sorted WW3 out and quickly got them breakfast - idiot is all I can say wearily. He doesn't even make me angry any more, more filled with boredom and distaste. I couldn't just leave kids as it was too extreme for that and it would have been cruel.

Breathe, am appalled and a little bit frightened for you. His respect for your boundaries is non-existent (and his delusions of what it appropriate are staggering). Are you going to record this with your solicitor, along with the fact that the kids were unsupervised and you had to intervene?

Nini, am thinking of you, hope you manage to get out to Republic for some respite (but suspect it'll be unlikely).

TCM - I used to get the 20Qs on every tiny decision I made as well. Why did you do that. I don't know. Why did you buy those tomatoes instead of these? I just did. I started to feel like I must be an awful, thoughtless person because I often couldn't give an explanation (not satisfactorily for him), I just went with what I 'felt'. Like when we discussed baby names, and he'd suggest a name and if I didn't like it, he'd tell me I needed to say why I didn't like it. As much as I do like DD2's name, it was his suggestion (from before he was even conceived), and he was determined. I knew it but pretended to myself I was 'involved' in the decision by agreeing that I liked it too. TCM, you can make your own dream come true, in time - baby steps.

Yesterday, I went down to the estate agents, the ones that are apparently selling our house (so I was told in no uncertain terms informed). FW has already signed off the paperwork, they've prepared a schedule, and they had no idea that I own the house too so they couldn't legally proceed without my say-so. If I hadn't gone down, my house would have gone on the market next week without me having agreed to any of it.
After I'd been to the estate agents, I took my wedding ring off. I'm not quite sure why, I was standing in a toddler group with DS2 and just started wrestling it off. It's still off (in my jeans pocket). I've taken it off before for an hour or two, and always put it back on again. It felt right (although my finger feels weird). I feel a bit of a fraud making a big deal out of this - I know a lot of you on here have been with your FWs for years, and married for many of them. I haven't even known FW for 3 years yet, and we'd been married less than a year when I left. But I had reached my late 30s and never thought it would happen for me. It was a big deal at the time (even though the wedding experience was awful, due to FW). Maybe that's why I went through with it despite knowing he was sometimes awful to me. Anyway. It's off, and I think it'll stay off now.

AAARGH just got home from the gym to see an envelope addressed to me on the table. I knew it was my new secret bank account card so I took it upstairs unopened and hid it. Came downstairs and H says oh there was a letter for you, I say oh yes and made something up about what ut was and he said "well, it definitely had a card in it".

Omg, so emotionally drained right now. H has just done the big 'I know somethings wrong, I want us to work, let's talk about it'. Cue about an hour or so of us talking about why 'we' don't work, what's wrong, oh and me crying. H did the whole 'I know I can be difficult, I don't mean to be, Can't we work on it? I don't mean to come accross how I do, but I have an terriable social ineptness'

Now I know H does care for me, and that he is on the autistic spectrum, probably mild aspergers. And I care for him to, but I honestly can't do another cycle of us trying and then it being back to how it was. I can't. I even texted my mum that I could do with talking to her monday... And now I feel terrible. If I stay then I'm not happy, if I leave I break H heart and possible aren't happy anyway...

Pony well done on the wedding ring! A liberating moment yay! And also on taking control of your share of the house.

Lahti could you pretend it's a membership of some sort - something boringly woman-ish so he switches off - the pre menstrual club ha ha, no just kidding; maybe a mum-toddler club or summat?

TCM as you have said, it's just the fw cycle again. It's why we stay I guess, coz we are intelligent women and from the outside people can't understand it! Stick to your dream.

FW this end is being quiet but not sulky (God I'm sick of being attuned to his fecking moods). But anyway, I think his attempt last night, though bonkers and completely ill times FFS, was his last ditch attempt, because today he has arranged to disassemble the beds etc that make up his old room so it will really be two flats here.

My worry re the rental place is financial melt down - we're doing a precarious balancing act till this other house sells. If I can sit it out till it does sell, then either keep this place without him or we rent this place out and both move to smaller places. It was creepy and infuriating last night but kind of par for the course rather than out of character IYSWIM.