Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

sorry to get political, but the govts proposal for capping benefits will affect the ability for refuges to keep running!

There is an e-petition here to register your disagreement, and vote for refuges to have an exemption status - which seems bloody obvious frankly!

I found it and read it, search didn't seem to include titles...

rose I was married to a cocklodger for decades, and had 2 DC, now grown. I suffered (mild) abuse when an adolescent, and suffered from depression. I thought my depression was the problem, and that he would eventually find himself. But no, my depression was down to living with him. It took MN for my eyes to be fully open and I am now divorced.

You are young, you can avoid the future that was my past. As others on your thread have said, this man is a loser. Clearly, you are not - your studies show this. It is painful waking up to this stuff, take time to think for the time being, and talk a bit more here.

Thank you for replying the me silvery

What I cant seem to get past is my own 'mindset' I am currently on page 2 of this thread and I find myself saying 'Oh he doesn't do that, he is not as bad as that' but then why do I feel so poorly.

No matter what anyone tells me or even when I write it all down, I keep thinking this is all in my head and that I am no saint. I have hit him, shouted and been so hysterical.

Usually when I get like this, he will 'calm me down' and be all loving again. What a mess.

Here's the link www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1684933-My-Valentines-Day-kick-in-the-teeth-long

I read your post earlier, rose, and thought EA immediately. The kind of EA is different for everyone, but I've learned to recognise (some of) the signs from my own experiences and being on this thread. And EA was my first thought, from what you've posted, which I bet doesn't mention even half of the things he does/says.

When I was with my FW, on a couple of occasions I completely lost it. Once I threw his (empty) breakfast bowl on the floor, breaking it. Another time I threw his (full) dinner plate in the (full) sink. (I am noting a crockery-related pattern here!) I have hysterically cried more times than I can remember (after never doing that before I met him), and I was so grateful when he would hold me and make me feel better. But the reason I had been crying was because of the awful things he did and said in the first place.

He has pushed you to being hysterical, pushed you to the edge where you lash out, and then he can pull you back in. I bet you felt awful after your outbursts. In your post, you said he has been violent towards you - was he apologetic afterwards, or did he tell you it was your own fault/you'd done something to provoke him? If so, that's the difference right there. You knew your behaviour was not right. He doesn't, or doesn't care.

It is a lot to take in, when you first post. Take your time. Get the Lundy book (see the OP) - your partner wont be on every page, but he'll be in there. Take baby steps and start thinking about what you want the future to hold for you and your lovely DD. You deserve more, lovely girl.

'Oh he doesn't do that, he is not as bad as that' but then why do I feel so poorly.

this is what we've all had to do to stay in abusive relationships. We 'normalise' it to ourselves, normally actually blaming ourselvesin some way for our contribution to it, which you readily did by declaring your part (I hit him, got hysterical,etc), but you have to do it to survive, and the result is the damage to you, the extreme anxiety, lack of feeling your feet anymore, feeling distanced, and often depressed. Read whats being posted about here and you will get to know and recognise the patterns of behaviour, these will make you feel more empowered and support your [currently] unsure ideas about whats happening.

His age, you say, and will have, likely had a huge impact upon your decisions and what you feel are your rights, as age can be seen as bringing with it many things which might not be true (and evidently aren't!), like wisdom and a sort of father-like caring and love/safety, greater knowledge and experiences,e tc.

None of this is your fault, you cannot 'make' someone attack or seek to cut you to bits with their undermining and loathing.

Welcome here, do read and keep posting your thoughts, take care xx

'they' like to be your 'rescuer' too. Cut you down and rescue you, both feed their sense of power & control over you, like a puppet master. If you comfort yourself you take away their control. Be very careful and stay safe xx

I spoke to H. He's angry because I don't want him to come home tomorrow, followed it up with accusations that I'm trying to make things difficult for him.

I just want a few days to think without him getting at my head. Is that really too much to ask? I finally just had to hang up as I could feel myself going in to "explanation mode".. you know what you do when they are being unreasonable and you're banging your head on a wall trying to get them to listen and understand?

Hi Silvery was this to me: I found it and read it, search didn't seem to include titles. ?

No fi I was looking for rose's thread.

Alice, no that is not too much to ask. He hasn't given you the space you asked for in the first place. His response makes it clear that he doesn't really care about you and how you feel, it's all about him and not wanting things to be 'difficult' for himself selfish man. And his blaming of you for being the one creating the difficult situation (rather than looking to himself) is just par for the course, unfortunately.

You are absolutely right, you don't need to explain yourself in order to convince him that what you are saying is valid. Try and just state facts. 'I don't want you to come home just now.' And say it over and over, broken record.

Do you think he'll stay away, or would he simply turn up at the house and come in? What will you do if he does? You could refuse to let him in, and call the police if he gets aggressive. Stay strong. You need this space.

He can't just let himself in. I have his keys. He's mad about that too. To be fair, he agreed to leave the keys as he tends to misplace things (memory issues related to depression I suppose) and he didn't want to lose his work keys. But now that's my fault too.

And apparently I'm not very nice because his sending me a Valentine's Day text was just being considerate. Even though we agreed to no contact. sigh

What about all the other texts and emails? Didn't you say it was more than one?

Yes, I pointed out to him that we had agreed to no contact until today and he sent me 4 txts and 6 emails yesterday, none of which were urgent.

I suspect he was humouring me, going along with this time apart. He seems to have looked at it as a bit of a holiday from any responsibility (while I deal with everything) and is now annoyed that I am not "over it," if that makes sense.

My mum got my note and emailed me to say that she just wants me to be happy, I feel awful now. Really sick. I want it all to go away but I have no one to talk to. I feel like I want to just lie down and never wake up.

Why do I love him so much but hate him at the same time?

Thank you all for the welcome and being so understanding.

I am so worn out today. I need help fast but it feels like such a mountain to climb.

Mrs Morton I feel the same way. I just want it all to go away. I talked to a friend a little bit, but soft pedaled it, as I don't want to worry her.

I love him, but I cannot live the way I was living. And I cannot raise my children like that. Behaviour-wise they are all over the place, as they have been living life on an emotional rollercoaster. How in the world are they supposed to be emotionally healthy with that as an example? And the rough treatment and beginnings of PA were showing towards the children, and that's really what opened my eyes.

I just want to bury my head in the sand, but I can't. It terrifies me, because I am worried it's going to get ugly, but I don't know what else to do. His attitude on the phone pretty much demonstrated that he doesn't get it and isn't willing to try. He completely flipped over waiting an extra 24 hours. Apparently we (me and the children) not worth waiting 24 hours for.

I don't know what to do with myself now, Alice thank you for your reply. I'm so confused, it's as though telling her there's a problem (I didn't tell her anything else) has made me turn a corner and before I turned it I was used to my surroundings because I turned the last corner about 6 months ago. Now I don't recognise my surroundings, i suppose it's all progress...

I'm heart broken.

Progress? Not sure about that. I do feel like I've taken two steps back instead of two steps forward.

I haven't bothered talking to my mum. She's elderly and too far away. I don't know if she'd be worried or be unsupportive. She's been both in the past in various circumstances with myself and sisters. I don't think I could bear her being unsupportive, so I'd rather just not tell her.

I just feel confused, angry, sad, lost.. frustrated.

Sorry, obviously not doing well tonight. Hope everyone is okay.

Sorry for not responding to previous posts but this is a bit of a me rant.

Mentioned to FW earlier that I wanted to get up early and pop into town to go to Republic before it gets busy (love their clothes and gutted they're closing). Knew if I told him in the morning he'd be angry so thought I'd get it in tonight. His immediate response was to say he wanted to go look at another car tonight an hour's drive away (this will be the third weekend in a row that most of the time will be taken up with him faffing around with potential cars). I said it was too far to go on the off chance that it's what he wants, as I know he's very picky. He then got really annoyed and started throwing his post around the living room. I told him to grow up and he stormed out to the kitchen and started throwing things around there so I've come upstairs.

I can't do this anymore. I hate it here. I hate having nobody to talk to - its just us this weekend with DD which always makes me edgy as it ends up with him sat in front of the TV while I run myself ragged with DD and get exhausted. I hate having no friends, nobody wants to talk to me. All I do is work or look after DD. FW goes away for a weekend soon and I've asked 3 people if they want to stay and they're all said no. This is not the life I wanted. There is nothing good about it. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

PMd you Nini.

nini hello lovey, just wanted to send you some virtual handholding xxx

Hi Nini, hope you are OK my love. If I lived near you I would probably come round and bring a bottle of wine. I know how it feels to be isolated.

Need to read back the last few posts, I just thought I would say this first.

x

Hello All,

I haven't posted or read here for a while. I wish everyone continued strength and good spirits.

I wanted to say bonjour too to NoraLuca but from Belg, not France. I've only found out a minimal amount about benefits entitlement here, and haven't seen a lawyer. I could start working full time from September and work towards making a move then when I have money to rent somewhere.

But my bigger worry is how the child care will work out - here the court by default will decide 50% time with each parent, leaving my sons to spend half their lives with their dad. Their dad is ok with them for short times, even for a few days at a time I'm sure, but could very easily take out his abusive behaviour on them. He loves them and they love him, but the relationship between them works better (or rather is less damaging to them) when I'm there in the background (or when someone else is there).

me too Nini offering hand-holding .. .that sounds awful, lovely... it is shit to feel so isolated, stuck in and friendless.. Are these friends ones that you would normally go out with, and they're just busy that weekend?

I sometimes too wish the ladies on here lived nearby so we could pop by just for a bit of company, or to get out ourselves. Could you get away yourself somewhere for the weekend when he is away, i'm sorry if this is stupid question with regard to FWittery and circs. Do you have a 'great escape' plan developing atall, which could give you something to aim for and look forward to?

that you are feeling so down right now... ((hugs)) and to let you know thinking of you. take care hun. xxx

Thanks ladies, just feeling very low tonight, as I know others are too. Wine would be lovely Rose .

FW has gone to bed without speaking to me. Not a good start to the weekend. Why is it all so exhausting.