Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

(hugs)) and strength for today Leclerc - go well. (did you mean disociative?)... mmm know what you mean about that, have that weird thang going on too, I think its down to believing that you are who you actually are (as in, you are a good mum the years of doubt imposed upon us have takent their toll sadly but we're sorting that out now! ;)

Maggie you've been rumbled - surely too dangerous now to go, you are being further trapped in by havng to cancel things like your invaluable solicitors appt? Has he still gone to work today? Its worrying that he's not confronted, which somehow seems worse? Keep your appt if your at home and leave? I'm so glad to you managed some 'bed' time in the eve - seems he's 'sitting' you to make sure andnow on high alert, but he has to go today doesn't he? I hope he does and that you can get out.

you have everything in place? stay safe hun.. take care xxx

thanks for thoughts Mink I do think I was having a wobble and being weak, she had been very rude and then refused to apologise (often won't) and I had decided to be much more clear about boundaries and that apologiseing after the event won't bring it back, and yes on her list is I must accept apologies, and not to confiscate or threaten to (as I always warn with a 'you'll lose x if you speak like that again, or cannot apologise, etc').

Sorry to hear of your NH ishooos but more sorry that your FW H couldn't support you, thats very and lonesome for you. I know, use everything as ammo against you. thats not you, thats definitely him. He sounds like a proper FW.

offering hands out for Valentines Day hand-holding solidarity today all day

• and hoping to see lots of flash mobbing all over the word! in support of one billion rising (previous post)*

What a day to rise up and walk out today Maggie !!! take care all xx

sorry Mink - tha wasn't NH ishoos! (National Health issues??!!) of course

and some words that you might recognise that seem poignant for today:

JAR OF HEARTS

No, I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold from the ice within your sole
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'cause you broke all your promises
And now your back
You don't get to get me back

Just popping on to say I'm thinking of you all. Stay strong, stay safe. (Please, Maggie, stay safe my lovely. I've had bad dreams about you, I don't want them to come true. ) xx

mink, you are hilarious! LOL at the margarine of EA (my FW too, with his middle class abuse!) and parentheses woman. I am emoticon woman! :o :o

maggie -please think about going to a refuge. He is a dangerous man, and now he is a dangerous man with valuable information.

Leclerc - oh no!! Hope it's something that can be company for Tod. Some charity shop is going to be very grateful to you some day in the future...

The day is off to a good start here, with a valentines card in the post from... dd3! Little activity at playgroup, clearly. Rather sweet, especially because it was so unexpected.

leC ...we are married to clones of the same man.

BTW I didn't mean to get you worried yesterday and had expected to come back with more affirming and helpful comments...life got in the way....you can do this.

PM me if I can help you with my story re contact or I can take up thread space if anyone else thinks it would be useful!

I spoke to my mum earlier, my dad always used to send me a valentines card, he always always has. I don't know why, I remember it back to when I was tiny, and I always look fwd to it. I didn't get one this year and mum said it's because he didn't want to cause any problems... H is very very jealous.

Perhaps they are more aware than I gave them credit for. My dad is my favourite person in the whole world, he is so wonderful now I feel sad that he feels like that.

well if ever there was an opening to help you talk to your parents mrs M that was it.

Hooray for supportive parents who you can rely on

Hay all,

Really struggling today and generally with h being on his best behavior. Almost cancelled a house viewing I have today of a house for rent, but I am going. Hand holding please, and remind me I'm doing the right thing

TCM - there's no harm at all in going to see a house. It doesn't commit you to anything. The thought of leaving, especially when he is filling your head with spaghetti because he's being nice, is a really hard one. I struggled for a long time, going back and forwards. It's baby steps, and this is one of them.

Leclerc, as ever I am in awe of you, your focus, your determination. You are doing as much as you can. Well done.

MrsM - I agree, this is your opportunity to talk to your parents. Go for it.

Not much going on here, except the usual. Saw FW last night, he told me he's 'decided which estate agent to use' - I didn't even know they'd been round. He was reluctant to give me details about what the house would go on for, etc. Twat. Then I asked him for a favour, which he willfully misunderstood and started having a go at me over it. Twat. Then he asked me again about him bringing down the last of DS1's stuff, I said no I didn't want it right now, I had no room for it, I was firm. So he walked off, shaking his head and laughing incredulously at me. GRRRRRRRR! It's amazing how I have gone from having such strong feelings for him, to absolutely loathing him! Today I feel a bit low and have a headached, and I feel a bit panicky about how he's trying to control and manipulated me through his solicitors. But I need to chill, and let him have his small victories - who cares which estate agents we go with, after all? I'm not going to waste energy on that.

am holding-hands to any that need, but after a struggle through FP today (with realisations and emotions) not up to offering anything of use!

Lordy, my headache must be bad (she says, blaming her tools), too many typos in that last post to mention! I don't normally get headaches at all (except the -inflicted kind), so it's weird for me to have one, I feel a bit airy-fairy today with it. And no since Saturday, so can't blame that. Am burbling now, sorry...

Sorry Fi, x-posted, you sound like you need some hand-holding too. Hope you can relax for the rest of the day and have time to take it all in.

Happy Valentine's Day my lovely ladies. FW havn't even spoken to each other today let alone exchange a card or whatever. Another year of him being proud that he doesn't celebrate Valentine's. although this is the year I don't really care.

Hand holding all round, so much going on here lately. Keep going everyone!

Maggie, please please keep yourself safe. I think you need to get out, alarm bells are ringing in my head. He sounds dangerous!

Hi ladies...he has gone to work thank god. He kept going on this morning about me and kids doing a runner etc etc, inbetween him trying to grope me saying he wants to start again I laughed this off explaining if I was going to do a runner that I would have gone already like all the other times I left and anyway I had no money and no where to go as can't go to stay at mums again so I couldn't leave even if I wanted to which i didn't want to. This appeared to have made him happy...a little too happy that he had me trapped I suppose - Well thinks hes got me trapped. Am on high alert and ready to run if i have to but just feel its too risky to go right now, he is expecting me to do a runner and god knows what would happen if he caught up with me. I need to go when he is least expecting it. I have ran so many times before mainly to Dparents house to stay but have always come back home to him after a few weeks. Am praying a house comes up over the next few weeks I can rent and then me and kids have somewhere to go that I know I won't be able to leave and come back home from.

Love to you all and ahem happy valentines day.....a day right up there with xmas day and NYE for many of us I suspect.

maggie my heart really goes out to you. You must be so scared. I love MN for the support it can give us at times like this.

I posted letter to parents. I thought my heart would jump out of my chest it was beating so fast. It's done now.

Having to go out for a meal tonight which is one of the classic times H will start on me... Also having period pains dreamt up by satan so happy days!!

Hi all, just quickly skimmed thru maggie leclerc take care both of you and good idea re the flowers.

Well obviously no valentines here never has been after I bought him 1 on our 1st anniversary together he just say that he doesn't need a day to say he loves me
Tbh I know he does love me but his behaviour just grinds me down so much that I don't feel anything really, except sadness. Rang the counsellor again today to arrange regular session as it all got a bit much on Tuesday at work and I had a mini panic about it. Someone different answered, I explained why I was calling and she said "well everyone argues with their H" AAARGH I KNOW THAT! The thing is though we don't argue, I just get told off and we go along with H. The counsellor suggested time off work, and to put myself 1st. how do you do that with a 3 year old?

Maggie - If he's found the bag, what's to stop him from confiscating those precious items in it? Have you actually made sure it's ALL there? And now that he knows about it, you can bet he is going to either be searching regularly to find it again or out and out demand some of the stuff out of it for some reason and refuse to give it back.

And now that you've moved it and denied that you're doing a runner, he is going to be determined to catch you out. And most likely with enough force behind it to really get the message across IYSWIM. The thing is, how much did you plan out previously when you left? He knows now that you're being careful and organising, which ups the stakes tremendously. It means you're serious and you're preparing for battle. He's not stupid - the fact that he didn't confront you directly about the bag makes me incredibly nervous. If he blew up and shouted over it, then that would be that. But this behaviour is much much more dangerous. Please be careful - the big thing you had going for your escape was the element of surprise to counter his brute force approach. You no longer have that, while he still has the brute force.

I told H no contact until Friday, and he was okay the first 24 hours, now it's text text email text.... grrrrrrr. I haven't answered any. It's obvious from the content of the texts that he fully intends to return Friday. It's like he is looking at this as a little holiday - no child responsibilities, just spending all day on the internet and bumming around with family, while I am home dealing with raising the children and keeping the house stuff going. He's in for a bit of a surprise, although I dread having to spell it out.

Hi, Sorry I'm not able to reply to anyone elses posts atm, it's really hard to get on here with H being ill, therefore being next to me... Angling the laptop away to post.

Just need a rant about today. I was at uni today where I get really poor, if any, mobile signal. I left to go look at the house for rent when I get a call for DD nursery. Turned out the had been trying to reach me and H for about 2 and a half hours as DD had a temperature and diareha (sorry no idea how to spell it). They hadn't been able to get hold of H, even though he knows that while I'm at uni he needs to be contactable. So on top of that I had to miss the house viewing, to race to pick DD up.

I get home to a rose and a valentines day card, even though we weren't meant to be doing that.

Then H goes on to put me in a no win situation, I bring myself a drink up after a shower. H asks if he can have some. I said fine, yes, but then he refuses as he is ill... If I had said no I would have been told I was being unreasonable.

Reading it back I know it looks like I am making a big deal over not much and being a right cow, but he just drives me mad. He is never contactable, he doesn't know his work phone number. Who with a DD, family etc doesn't think it's important people know this, and insted relies on their mobile...

Argh!! Not even Friday yet and being asked if he can come home. What part of "don't text or contact me until at least Friday I need time to think" is hard to get? And now the pressure begins....