Am having a bit if a long dark nighttime of the soul so forgive me but i am going to self indulge and get it out here to try and i dunno purge some of it.
This is going to sound dafft and is a bit tongue in cheek but somewhere inside i have a self image if myself as strong/immutable/invulnerable (must have been all that pretending to be wonder woman as a kid (dated myself there)). So e.g. adverts, nah they don't affect me. victim of da, nah not me (subconsciously bought into the insidious and totally wrong idea that victims of da are weak an idea completely disproven by you guys) i am not weak therefore what went on was not abusive (wrong)
That's why it took me so long to see it.
things he has said have not changed me. if anything i could thank him for making me tougher. etc. etc.
But now I'm starting to doubt my cloak of invulnerability
yes i did often stand my ground. But did i do it in an abusive way? Was it actually not a good strong thing but a bad thing.
And actually did he toughen me up or have i reacted by protecting my vulnerability. i.e. i suspect if i were in another relationship where in the past i might have been prepared to expose some of my ishoos for the sake of better communication i would now fear having them turned against me. E.g. I'd be reluctant to say previous relationship was verbally abusive in case they came back with no it wasn't you are mental and a bitch and no wonder the poor bastard used to shout at you. who wouldn't?
Had got really guarded about what i would tell ex because he would turn it next time we rowed. hd used to say i didn't self harm anymore cos i didn't need to because i had him (meaning i could punish him instead of self (not as i used to reply in my head- yup you are just another of my self destructive behaviours))
Would not say work was stressful cos that would turn into 'yes well don't take it out on me' or not as stressful as mine.
Have had serious MH issues in past (mostly ok now) and i sometimes rely on those around me to let me makeknow if i am having a wobble as i can only tell retrospectively but could never discuss it with him as it would then be the cause if my unreasonable nagging or whatever. (not always but sometimes- occasionally he did do the right thing- but enough to make me v wary)
Could not say i have this problem with dc because that would elicit what do you expect? That is down to your lack of discipline. you should have cracked down on them like i told you when they were little (i.e. hit them) then they'd know who was boss. It is too late now. i am having nothing to do with it cos you won't let me make any decisions about how to bring them up. they are your problem
Dam it i am not wonder woman after all 
explains why i cannot jump twenty feet in the air though.
he has got inside my head.
Still maintain he is EA light, the margarine of EA because others on this thread have endured real cruelty and torment and been trapped in it but dam him he has still got into my head and i have changed my self in response.
Well first step recognition- hence the long confessional post. next step healing. i will just have to change back (and start wearing my pants on the outside of my spandex tights again 
)
if excessive use of brackets were a super power....i could be parentheses woman.