Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

sorry to post again, but wanted to wish you luck for court, the ladies having to go through that, and better I've been completely immobilized by fear too; I was told that I didn't have to say anything or see him in court if I didn't want to and couldn't cope with it as the court would have to take the circumstances into account. I could be in another room, and write responses. I really feel for those of you having to do this, its like facing your rapist, and the courts don't expect that anymore. I can only say, take your time, don't be rushed by anyone, and breeeeeeeethe... xxx

Well yet another selfish rant from me...

In the past 5 days (since mediation finished) FW has tried it on three times...each time challenging something that we had in the memorandum of understanding (the agreement that the mediator produced).

1. he has tried to access money from a joint bank account that we agreed would be set aside for paying mortgage and bills only. He said he needed the money to buy food for DS on the days he was looking after him. When I said no to accessing the bank account but offered to feed DS on 'daddy days' instead...FW turned me down.

2. I am buying him out of the house. The agreement is that he will receive the money within 14 days of the transfer of the house to my name...or within 14 days of him moving out if that comes first.
   He has now demanded that he receives the money ASAP...in advance of his moving out date (in 4 months time). He has threatened me with staying put or taking me to court if I don't oblige.

3. in the agreement we said we would split school holidays but offer some flexibility if needed. He took DS away at christmas and had him for an extra day...I didn't object. Now my family have offered to take me and DS away and Easter...they have booked flights already. I checked dates with FW in last mediation session. He didn't object at the time. He now says that he wants me and DS to fly out later and meet my family at the resort because otherwise it means I will have DS for 1.5 days more than him over the easter holidays.

I have to admit ladies that today I have had enough. I'm completely fed up. It's my birthday today and I've had to put up with threatening texts and emails all morning.

I contacted my solicitor and told him to take over. He immediately emailed FW solicitor saying: FW wont get anything until he moves out and signs house over...if he delays moving out, tries to stop the holiday, or makes any more threats, we'll apply to court for an injunction.

This is getting quite serious now...

bertie I too felt it should be at least approaching over when the settlement was agreed. But FW remained FW till the bitter end, including trying to do me out of money from a refund from an overpayment on our utility bills.

So you have to keep your loins girded . In my case I am prone to stress-related psychosis, and had a v v short breakdown due to having not slept properly for a year followed by not being able to help relaxing with relief when it was, as I thought, all over - only it wasn't.

And when he's actually gone my body allowed itself to feel exhausted at last. But all fine now, nearly there, you will get there, one last push (like giving birth to yourself!!)

(((hug))) bertie.

Happy birthday love!

You do know that's it this that's driving him to kick off at you. Good for you in letting the solicitor deal with it. They sound as if they have the measure of him.

LeClerc, good to see you nurturing that hope! It won't disappoint you, I promise!

Well Silver I didn't cope to well giving birth to DS so I'm not that hopeful about my ability to give birth to myself!
Thanks for the encouragement though...I know that it will get worse before it gets better...even the mediator said that to me today when I told her what was going on (she says there nothing more she can do for us..."but that's not what he agreed!" she said).

And thanks for the birthday wishes Hissy...can't say it's been much of one...but in going out with friends at the weekend so I'll celebrate then.

Hope everyone else is ok? Xxx

bertie that sounds horrendous. I hope your solicitor gets things sorted so FW knows what's going to happen in no uncertain terms.
leclerc, thank god your GP has his head screwed on. It is great that you've had that validation in the face of all the crap from FW.
doing, hope you FW doesn't manage to get more time off work. It sounds like you could really use some headspace.

Things a bit odd here. FW is seeing the kids a lot and at the moment I have ended up eating there when I pick them up as he has done extra and I figured it saves me cooking. It is, however, giving him the opportunity to ask me if I'm sure I want to do this, he loves me, he knows he has been awful to me, why don't I just come home etc.
Obviously I haven't fallen for it, I would just be going back for Phase 1 of the cycle as I have before. He's even saying he wants to go on holiday, but doesn't like travelling alone-a loaded comment if ever I heard one.

DD is clearly confused as we are getting on fairly well. She said something today about us being married and I had to tell her we weren't going to be married much longer, then she started to cry and asked me who her daddy was going to be
So had to explain again that we couldn't live together, but it wasn't her fault, we both still loved her very much and she would still see lots of her daddy.
Waiting for his solicitor to send the consent order to mine, not sure where we are in terms of the divorce itself as I don't know if the Acknowledgment of Service has been sent back to the court by him yet.

Hi all...sorry not read much and can't really post properly as FW around next few days off work just wanted to say hi to all, thinking of you and happy birthday Bertie!

Oh....and...here is some background music to keep us all going on the right path outta here, I listen to it when spaghetti head starts setting in. My first batch of DC stuff loaded and hidden in my car during the dark hours to be taken to storage place at first light aka after dropping DD at nursery. Blimey - I feel like a secret agent, if only I had their skills I could karate kick FW into touch Mind you those pathetic self defence lessons I took in secret didn't work, maybe I need to get rambo on the case instead!

Back on to post properly soon i hope hope you are all ok apart from the usual FWerty that continues to bloody linger with us all

oops forgot to say Happy Birthday to bertie plus my post sounds as if it's all about me, but that was intended for comparison purposes.

That is a small dose leClerc and it may take a little while to feel the effects.

Can you ring sol to find whether he's acknowledged, matchsticks?

I expect mine will let me know when she's heard back from the court silver. I think he won't be rushing with things as he's still hoping I will 'come to my senses'.

Is there some special logistical reason why your DM can't be in two places at the same time Leclerc , or you? oh sorry, if thats not funny, I read it that way first time and had a chuckle.

Very Happy Birthday bertie more more - trying to spoil you for your rough day. You solicitor sounds right on the case and taking no BS - excellent! (seems par for the course, the worsening and sliding into the complete FW pit land)

Can't write much as H is here but just checking in. Thinking of everyone. I like the music references - I like Katy Perry 'firework' (despite hating most of her stuff!!). Happy birthday Bertie. Like others say - Think of next year.

I am planning on phoning WA when H is out. He was lovely yesterday which as usual disarmed me ... but back to the usual crap and sulkiness today. Almost reassuring ...

Like you say match think its probably confusing for her?

Agree about Britney Leclerc, mind you I feel like shaving my head most days too! Bad hair days are very frequent here with my big old wig of a head! Oh to be perfectly preened like those yummy mummys instead of looking like I got dressed in the dark and then dragged through a hedge on the nursery run! I love music, sometimes feel like I use it to escape and seem to relate songs very much to my emotions/situations/people. Oh god, maybe I am going nuts like Britney! Back later....back to sitting in silence watching TV with FW xx

Thank you Agent Fi!! x

Happy Birthday Bertie

Leclerc yay for your GP. It is a low dose and came with sensible advice. Glad to hear that. Seems very sensible

Hiya noone maggie fi silver matchsticks x

yes, weirdly familiar / reassuring listens - but not for long!!!

hello kitty

have to go now as spent entire night with dd1 having meltdown (all w/end and week so far) and needing lots of hand holding, massages, tucking in and quiet chats - oh dear, next deadline slipping - hair coming out in handfuls again! Going to try and read about statistics in bed. Yep you guessed it, I'll be asleep before finishing the first.......para.. sentence..

night all, peace to all

Good luck with the stats, Fi!

I was on the point of writing more honestly to FW this eve than ever before in response to his pushes for an international move in the autumn. Suddenly stopped by the thought that he's going on holiday with the 3 older dcs in two weeks' time, which would be a perfect opportunity for some manipulative telling them his version of the truth and putting all sorts of fears into their heads.

So it's back to the deception till it's safer to throw it off. Not really thought of him as dangerous before... I'm writing and lying saying I'm giving moving to Africa some thought...

Blimey, I spend one evening working instead of faffing about online important Mumsnet perusing, and it's all gorn off!!!!

Bertie, happy birthday. I am sure you can't wait to see the back of this one, but do enjoy your weekend celebration with friends. And everyone is right, he's pushing as hard as he can against you to see how far he can get. He's a FW through and through. Throw him to the solicitors, you've done all you can, they can take him to court and demonstrate that he refused to stick to what was agreed in mediation and a v dim view will be taken of that, I'm sure.

Leclerc, sounds like a good, positive move for you. I found that the ADs just enabled me to go back to functioning - no massive happiness rush (because my situation was still mince) but I could get through the day and speak to people, do normal tasks and not be on the verge of throwing myself onto the floor all the time. Hopefully they'll do something similar for you - although the chemicals themselves probably wont kick in for a week or two, the fact that you are doing something positive for yourself could have a lifting effect on your mood anyway. As will the swimming - go for it!

Doing - am thinking of you, hope you can get him back to work soon and get your own work going - your plan to get out (or get him out).

Matchsticks - much as I hate to say it (because I hate cooking and will always jump at the chance of dinner from other means), I think he's deliberately luring you to stay for food (ie making more on purpose). Resist and eat at home!!!!

Maggie, I might just have to do a Britney vair soon if these little crawly buggers don't absent themselves from my life!!!!! Loving the idea of you incognito!!

Noone - I like Fireworks too, it makes my inexplicably leak!!!!

Fi - that all sounds really, really hard going with DD. You seem to have much more cavernous reservoirs of patience than me. But look after yourself too, my lovely.

Had a lovely lunch today with my friend, ate teeny sarnies and lots and lots of cakes and sat for nearly 4hrs just gassing! We righted the wrongs in her life and mine (agreed I'm absolutely not to email my friend's brother... which I knew really but was half entertaining...!!). Lovely!!!! And my first day of a decent amount of work for ages. So although it's kept me up till 11pm doing work (and will probably do the same tomorrow night), I don't mind really, it's a nice change from sitting worrying at everything in my head all evening.

On that note, g'nite all (and hello to Breath, who seems to be keeping owlish hours in her new life as fabulous flying away fairy!).

Thanks for the birthday wishes Pony and everyone! I will do my best to enjoy my night out at the weekend...

I've been awake since 3am...going over the days events in my head. It's been a really horrible day. I think the worst bit was a text I got from FW where he was going on about his being 'entitled' to spend equal time with DS and how he would fight for it.

For some reason this has affected me deep down...he doesn't see DS as the one with the rights to have a relationship with his daddy (and his mummy). FW sees himself as 'entitled'. I mean I know he's been acting like an entitled twat for many years now....but this makes me really

In the past few days I've opened up to a few more friends and actually shown them some of the texts I've been getting. The shock on their faces was enough to tell me that I'm not imagining his FWittery (funny how I keep having to check that it's not just me overreacting).

Bless my friends as they've all offered me overnight stays with them if I need to get away. I would love to but at the moment I can't do an overnight during term time (due to child care schedule). I hope to get away with DS at half term for a few days though...

I think I've given up on sleep now! DS will probably be up in an hour