Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin


Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!




Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[BreatheandFlyAway]

I'm feeling pretty desperate. But on the upside, the fact that things are really out in the open is good news. No longer can I hide behind "normality" because the cat is well and truly out of the bag. I keep quoting to myself - how to eat an elephant - one bite at a time.... I WILL get there, I am so much further down the line.

[foolonthehill]

Yes, hold onto that feeling of HOPE it will carry you through the rubbish. Living a real life has much to commend it...and you can be glad not to stick the pretend smug married face on anymore!!

Keep a large heavy object by the door....it will give you peace of mind!

[BreatheandFlyAway]

But will his incredible skills of manipulation end up with ( my darkest fears coming out now) him taking kids and getting me painted as loon who is incapable of looking after them? Naturally I am sane and he's an ea mind warper, but I am feeling frightened.

[foolonthehill]

Funnily enough, if my FW and others I have known are anything to go by the desperation and the lack of us covering for them usually results in them looking like the loons and everyone else going......however, it takes a bit of faith to believe it when you are still within hearing distance of the twat himself.

Plough a straight course, breathe and "don't let the FW grind you down"

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Thank you fool as usual this thread is my sanity saver.

[FairyFi]

Lock door, batten hatches, heavy sharp objects against doors, everything you have to do to feel safe and sleep Fly. Don't let the DC out of your sight (extremely hard sharing the house!), but keep them busy with lovely paint daubing and making mess upstairs with you (or out) with you.

I couldn't believe how much my FW showed his true colours to the world finally after I completely stepped back and let him get on with it (although that was also me manipulating him and making him 'lose the plot' so that people would witness it - I can't believe I use to believe all this crap and I really did!).

The only reason you are on ADs is to help you cope living with an abuser! Please don't forget that. I've heard everyone in this situation struggling to stay sane in the face of it all, and many talking of ADs. WA would have stats on that, but I'd say its pretty par for the course.

Not surprised you're scared. buy lots more locks tomorrow! and hope the house sells quick.. thinking of you feeling scared.. take care ((((hugs))))

[BreatheandFlyAway]

This too shall pass

Thanks for support lovely thread mates

[kittybiscuits]

Hang on in there brave breathe. Hope you can rest x

[MaggieMay05]

Oh Fly you poor love, thinking of you and sending massive hugs. Are you able to lock the doors upstairs so he can't invade your space? Re ADs etc, FWs will try everything to get at us. Can you go to see your GP about it and the history of panic attacks and ask them if needed could they give a statement stating this is all a direct result of FWs behaviour? He can't push the nutter card then. for you re flat...stay safe lovely lady x

Leclerc great advice from others on the FW situation (Fi, Fool etc) What can I add? Umm..ok..here goes...what a FW bastardo bollockhead he is to you, honestly these FWs never cease to amaze me the boundaries they try and push. Can you get a non-molestation order out against him? This is something I'm looking at getting around final escape time, but I need to research it more tbh. Stay sane! You are doing a fab job! You really are. x

Tiggy welcome! My dad was/still slightly is emotionally abusive so you are amongst friends on this thread who know exactly how you are feeling. Stay with us, we are here for you.

Waving at all others, sorry only read snipets of thread as FW been around recently so difficult to post/read properly.

In other news....FWs MIL had her 'chat' with him today, let's just say as I'd predicted it went down like a double decker shit sandwich. I stayed upstairs during her visit, heard her leave...cue lots of banging/smashing stuff around in kitchen...nasty texts being sent upstairs to me about what am I doing behind his back with his mother ganging up on him etc etc. I ignored and let him calm and then came down with poker face on, pretending I had no clue what or why she would say things like that to him. Seems to have worked but he then spent the rest of the day/night trying his best FWerty skills to pick a row with me, really pushing my pressure points but I just ignored and kept quiet. He was and still is very angry with her but ill be fecked if I'm going to take the brunt of it for her and her little fecking 'chat' so poker face still on, pleading innocence. Why do people in RL try and "fix" things they have no clue about or would never understand? I too have moments of doubting myself, am I overreacting etc etc. Then I get flashbacks of certain incidents and how I would think if that was happening to my DD when she is an adult and it makes my blood boil and keeps me going to get away from this big bully.

This mornings smooth dawn run to the storage place went more like...wake up late...rush to get us washed,dressed, breakfasts etc sorted...DD to nursery...cue DD meltdown at nursery ...20mins later leave nursery...drive like madwoman to storage..drop off boxes/bags...rally back home...bullshit to FW that there were massive traffic jams...phew..just about got away with it but not going to risk it again tomorrow, will have to wait until he is working to do my storage drop offs. And not telling him about DDs meltdown as that of course will be my fault.

Catch up again tomorrow hopefully, FW off again so more poker facing etc. Hugs to all xx

Ps-Leclerc & Pony I know how you feel about the other man thing...even though I'm not going to go there but wish I could DOldFlame makes me smile..a lot. Proof that there is nice normal ones out there and hope...many years from now when my life is rebuilt and DC stable...that hope to find love again..normal love..happy love...that doesn't come with any eggshells! x

[FairyFi]

keep your number, block his calls Leclec ? I think ignoring him at the doorstep is better than explaining your reasons for anything, they are none of his business. Its your life, ignore, you owe him no explanations, he sees his kids, he cannot be more involved in your/their lives because he is a FW, he had years of opportunities, most recently was inside your house uninvited. 'I've sorted it' is sufficient, you will only be giving him 'leads' like the salesman at the door, hooks to engage you in futher conversation manipulate you into feeling bad, awkward

Maggie so good to hear you made it through your last dawn raid by the skin of your teeth well done, gonna call you gagga, as you have better poker face than her!

[FairyFi]

only give him the new number, having blocked him from the other one. I did this with email, and warned him about calling /texting, that I would block if contact made about anything other than contact arrangements.

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

fly - two steps forward, one step back... You're still making progress, lovely.

Maggie - excellent poker facing! :o

Can someone help me out? I feel I've been distanced from real life and normal people for so long that I've lost touch with what's reasonable and what isn't. If I'm a single mum come September , is it reasonable to stay at home and live on benefits for a year until dd3 goes into reception? I've worked so hard doing all the night shifts, lie-ins once in a blue moon, and so on for the past 9 years since dd1 was born, and am finally getting a bit of time to myself during the day this year (six hours a week now, which already feels a lot). Next year, I would have 2.5 days to myself each week if I weren't working. Maybe that's why FW's putting the pressure on me to go back to work (having been annoyed at any hint of my relaxing during the day), but when I just thought of putting off a return to work for a year, I was rather with myself at the audacity of it! Would it make me into a sponger, do you think?!

[foolonthehill]

Charlotte...yes it is reasonable to live on benefits until you child goes to school: that is why the benefit is there, to allow you to parent your young child.

If you are wise you will use the time and the space that this gives you to improve your employability as well as preparing your LO for school.

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Thanks, fool, that fills me with hope! Off to look into the financial implications...

[FairyFi]

here here Fool you and your DC have some quality time to be together and have a more normal life. Take it and enjoy it, you deserve. I hope finances permit reasonable lifestyle during that with solicitors / csa fleecing the bastard blind

It turns out, I absolutely believe all the things he's ever said about me so much so that to actually say said things brings overwhelming humiliation and shame [crying] and pain!- why isn't there one for crying, there should be one for crying. I have started right back at the beginning, with all the structures I'd built to survive knocked away (at WA freedom) and can't bear listening to the voices of hurt coming from RL ladies who are speaking so boldly and bravely about their experiences, because inevitably some of what they say is the same for me, still! The thoughts have so dominated the beliefs in my life.

and to top it all, missed distress calls from DD1 over the issues that she finally revealed to me this week. Turned phone on to discover distress texts to call her at school .

So after being a gibbering wreck the entire time, I have to speak to the school about DD meltdown through my heavy cold

Please hold my hands ladies

[jann2013]

charlotte y r so nbu its very exciting, good luck for your plans for september.

thinking of all of you going through this. been tired and emotional lately.

[FairyFi]

just noticed the first bit of that didn't make sense:

here here Fool - you and your DC have some quality time to be together and have a more normal life charlotte. Take it and enjoy it, you deserve. I hope finances permit reasonable lifestyle during that with solicitors / csa fleecing the bastard blind

[FairyFi]

I am especially trying to challenge that I will 'die alone of cancer'

[arthriticfingers]

ok let's get all the comments about how we lack a future (ok that would probably be too much), or at least some of them, out there.
And laugh at them for the pathetic bullying they are. To the future

I will start:
It did not matter what he did to me because I was such a fuck up I would never have had a future anyway.
Well ... poo to that load of bollocks, for a start!
Any advance?
The future here we come

[FairyFi]

actually dying alone of cancer although shocking to hear, is easier to deal with than the others ......

[arthriticfingers]

put them out here, Fi where they will wither in the light for the total crap they are.

[FairyFi]

thank you arth its the more personal traits that were picked on that are unmentionable, because I am all those awful things he said I am, my reason tells me this is rubbish, still I believe it to be true.

The bit thats stands out for me in your comment was 'because I was such a fuck up', the rest I can dismiss for the complete bollocks it is and easy to see through somehow. Its the bit where he says I am a fuck up, I am..... that is so hard to disbelieve, i've just realised.