Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Have been doing the same Leclerc and you're right, it is a LOT harder to find those reasons when there hasn't been physical (or you don't want to share the physical) abuse. I yo-yo between and it drives me nuts!

Am I doing too much do you think with the sitting up every night settling and quiet chats? Last night did see the final woosh, sharing what had been so upsetting all this time. I'm hoping DD1 will feel some relief from that now and things will improve She's holding tightly onto stuff so its taken all this time to let it out, with some cajoaling and gentle massaging it out!

Bertie sorry for your night of fretting about it all You reminded me of me emailing my XFW (he's still a FW, not X because he used to be a FW!) when super cross about his entitled behaviour one time (before the days of detach, detach...) and wrote that the rights belong to the child - I should have then run for cover! the email back was crazy crazy talk (see you in court! No father's rights, fu...off You'll see me on the news dressed as superman at the top of the eiffel tower! amongst threats of other coming round to 'sort me out' and him going round to our [ex] mutual friends to tell them what a f..g bit** I am) crazy making, crap, which did scare me. Just think its ridiculous rantings of a crazy FW. Keep your defence barriers high for increased FWittery.

Pony those unwelcome guests should have long since vacated! Is he sat next to someone with them? or maybe FW has them and keeps reinfesting?
You have to comb from scalp to end, round and round head till none coming? I hate everything about them, the whole thing is such a pain but that combing ensures that none can mature to lay more. If they are quite big, then reinfestation is more likely. The only I had them for any length was when there was a student here. I was doing us, and then (after some weeks of them not going) had to broach it with the student!?!?! She was riddled with the biggest ones I'd EVER seen! so had to do her too, then finally we were all clear.

Silvery sorry to hear of FW's damaging your MH so I'm off to mediTation room.

In the end the books lay on the bed next to me a while I slept, just thethought of stats made me too tired to stay awake! So off for that now. I'm still considering ADs. ooooops long post soz

Leclerc indeed, f*ing wanker hardly begins to cover it (I had removed forgotten the going through of the bags . Just think, soon you will be able to change all the locks and get a big dog

LeClerc I would be wary of doing anything at this point! He may be doing it to try and provoke a response. Don't let him know you're onto him as it will just play into his game. An email might just let him know that he still has the ability to upset you. Just be more wary at handover times... sounds like he is trying to push his way back into some position of power.

Evil thought (or stupid gameplaying)-- can you set a trap for him, ie switch bags and leave one as a 'decoy' with something in it he'd have to notice/mention (or filled with indelible ink!) then you could act shocked that he would have the nerve to 'trespass' into your private property. Then you could log that with solicitors/SS/counsellors as an example of how he is not moving on. And you retain the moral high ground?

Leave him on the doorstep!

In the hall, Leclerc? Don't you mean outside the front door? I simply do notknow how you stay sane!

Not got advice on handovers as my children are grown, but I would always be wary about communicating with FWs in any way except through a baseball bat / f*ing big boot / hit woman lawyer.
I would either leave it, and just act on it: boys outside house with bags on leaving. You outside house on returning. And/or take legal advice at this point.

The girls will fit in around this, I am sure.

Final comment (well, ok, not final ) is that, by dog, I did not mean the turncoat you are re-training, but the rescue doberman you will soon have, who can smell a FW at a 100 paces.

Even when regular couples separate there is no 'entitlement' enter the house again after separation, unless explicitly invited in. According to WA/Police.
Make it obvious by your actions that it will be done outside,(agreeing with arth) keep door locked, bags outside etc. The DC will all realise the way it works, although may not understand!

Doesn't matter - feelings are what we feel.
Feel the fear and do it anyway (with virtual handholding, here)

Just logging on quickly to say go for it Leclerc. I was so completely fuming on your behalf, what a terrible, terrible invasion. He really has no intention of changing at all, because he still believes it's his right to go through your stuff to look for incriminations. I have absolutely no idea if asking him to stay out of the house is the best thing to do or not, but it doesn't matter, it's what you want to do. And there's no reason why you should explain why either, so remember that when he asks for an explanation.

I second the 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. And then tell the counsellor from his programme all about it.

it won't always frighten you Leclerc - is what I was going to say, but, and without knowing the exact details of his removal from the home, he is a very dangerous man and it puzzles me how he is allowed anywhere near your home!

You have a very healthy fear of him, that I think you should take notice of and make sure someone else is always there for pickup, or change pickups to make sure they absolutely suit you and keep you safe, either with your DM, or at a place, like at the end of your drive/path, where you can be clearly seen and he can text you, but he mustn't be allowed to continue thinking he can just come and go. Boundaries must be very clear and he must respect them or consequences should occur.

I know we all know this word, and I hate to say it back to you, but don't ever minimalise the very real risk he poses to you. This man is no longer your friend and there is no need for pleases or thank yous and the nice things that friends do. State your case (that way that you are happy, and is safe).

There will be little point in you having done all this only for him to turn up in a mood one day when collecting and barge in, etc. and reenact the throttling scene. I never thought mine would take the next step post finale, but he did absolutely get worse and finally 'lost it' in front of the whole neighbourhood. I just hate to think you may be taking risks, with a man whose proved to all that he doesn't have any limits. You can't manage him or his wild moods, entitlements and behaviours, manage your environment to be safe to your absolute satisfaction.

Maybe you could insist that a trusted friend/family member of his accompany him from now on because you are aware of how many boundaries he crossed at his last visit, so you will have to make the distance greater. He seems SOOO entitled it is scarey. Keep him as far away as possible. Does he never behave badly to the DC?

I hope that comes across as desperate concern for you all and need to create strong safety zones around you, all is your choice at the end of the day of course. We are not here to create nice easy pickup terms for them, only safe ones and whatever that must entail, but he must never have the opportunity again.

You need to be relaxed now he's gone, he has crossed forbidden boundaries by enterin 'your' home not to say, going through your BAG?!! rubbing against you !!

I think you must still trust him more than is healthy/safe, but I hope not.

Sorry for long post folks, and I hope you take in the way intended Leclerc take care xx

What Fi says

You have evidently been through a lot to get this far, but sadly he is still abusing. But it is alot easier now you have so many on your side to dictate boundaries and he'll just have to stick to them. Are you really happy that the front door is far enough? that he wouldn't step in and completely take advantage if you had to step back into the house to grab a forgotten something. Remember he could easily come to you for a pick up, already feeling oh so entitled and enraged and behave in his sinister cloak but fully take advantage and give you back all the troubles/hoops 'you've' made him jump through (I know the script, having heard it so many times reeled back at me!). You have to think of the worst case scenario again, not the one we prefer to hope for in our heads.

I don't think you will always feel so frightened, but facing up to these kind of challenges where boundaries are concerned will make all that difference to you feeling back in control and within your own rights.

Can you trust him totally at the front door? If you can then you will be able to deal with your fear and face it, but you have to take the support (that you give yourself in making it a trustworthy place in order to do this - have I written that in a way that makes sense, I'm not sure?). IOW - if you have made it safe, to your satisfaction, you are supporting yourself, and it will enable you to move on to facing your fear, safely.

take care xx

Leclerc hope you manage to stay strong for handover tonight - it must be so so hard having to deal with his continued FWittery! Your email would be good - if you state things so clearly at least he can't say he didn't know or didn't understand.

I have the keys to my new house in my hand Not a stick of furniture to go in said house, but if he goes nuts between now and this weekend I will go and camp out there anyway! He's being OK ATM. Mostly blanking me, but when he does speak he is calm and polite. He blames me for leaving him I think. I have no idea how he feels. I want to be happy that I am free, but I just have this overwhelming sadness about the way things have turned out.