Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

oh dear... sorry its so upsetting to hear that, but you were right to say you wouldn't force her, her choice, etc. and yes I guess you can expect to get a good proportion of the blame (despite you evidently being disappointed by that but keeping that to yourself, and you'd think he'd know you enough now to realise that!). This is the things that would disappoint me so much, to say things that show a complete lack of knowledge of how I do stuff - like your circumstance where you don't try to impose, etc. or he thinks that on the occasion that I have been late for contact, it will definitely be me deliberately wanting to make him look stupid, or to just leave him hanging around! (I spent far too many years in fear of him to dare do such a thing! - how come he didn't get that either?!?!) oh well, there you are then. Now I don't care. Sometimes I'm late, shit happens.

I have a friend who has many children and they did all seem to follow the path of faith, but that changed for some as they went through being teenagers, but I'm not sure it means these beliefs have totally gone away does it? xx

its no biggey sounded awful, and was not aimed at religion. Sorry had meant no biggey in terms of, its not a good cause for an argument or blaming,etc.

H has just come home after going out for 7 hours. I only expected him to be gone for 3. I said that I thought he could have texted to let me know when to expect him back and he just answers "well, I didn't hear from you so I thought it was ok" Today is the day that we were supposed to be going to an event that he wasn't interested in but i was. Instead I stayed home with DD and he disappeared with the car all day. Sorry for ranting.

Rant away Lahti. sounds deliberate to me. control freakery.

It is just so annoying as he comes home in the middle of DD having her dinner which puts her off eating as she is excited to see him and then he has a bath with her but I have to do the drying and hair combing etc while he showers off. ThenI have to put her into bed while he is online. So today he only saw her for 1 hour in the morning and 1 hour in the evening on his day off. The reason he went to his brothers was to get a sports massage for 7 hours!!!!

Couldn't call the counsellor today or yesterday as had DD but to be honest I don't really know what say to them. i can hardly say "my husband got cross about eggs and then went out for 7 hours" they will think I am crazy.

no, they won't if they know about abuse.

See the "my ex is a twat" thread...someone there mentioned not being allowed to eat, buy or even talk about kiwi fruit!

Anyway, once you manage to start talking about this stuff you'll soon remember other things that give clarity.

Try not to worry about what other people think about you...you can't guess, it's better to know that you are telling the truth and working your way through the fog,

Was he definitely at his brothers for 7 hours?

Anyway the point is he knew you wanted to go to something and made it impossible for you to go.

Counselling is not about you having to provide enough proof that you are going a hard time. it is your time to talk about your feelings and intentions.

I too am struggling to get my head round about what is and is not 'normal' relationship behaviour. weird as i have had several healthy relationships before this last. Think i have been reconditioned by this one so I cannot remember what normal is like.

I've never had a relationship before this, so I have no idea what is normal either. Just that living with him was okay at best. Counselling for the first time tomorrow. Hoping it helps.

TCM it is difficult, the bit between deciding to leave and the moving into your new house. In a way it's even more difficult if FW is being nice, because you doubt your own decision. I kept a blog for a year before leaving to help remember all the things he did and to read if I was having second thoughts (well, I technically haven't left yet. But new house is there waiting for me!)

Matchsticks I had never had a proper live-in relationship before this one, either. I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone else but if I do I suspect I'll be a nightmare girlfriend because I'll be all defensive and wary of ending up with another FW! Need some sort of wife swap arrangement where you just go and live with another family for a week to have a look at how 'normal' people live!

H told DD2 that if she moves house, she will never see him again. Who the fuck says things like that to a 5 year old? I have been trying to be reassuring, explaining how we're not moving far and they will be staying in the same school and see Daddy as often as they want and the girls were happy enough about moving. Then he goes and says that to DD2, who is now crying every time the move is mentioned. Bastard.

H will not really talk about his feelings, he never has. I think he must be upset, but it's difficult to tell really. He told me that he didn't want me back until I'd changed. "Just look at the state of you!" meaning my jeans, which he doesn't like because they are not baggy enough and because my top isn't long enough - he wants kind of knee-length tunic type top. He doesn't have the right to tell me what to wear. Do other men tell their wives what they can wear? I don't know.

Leclerc just wanted to say about the religion, a lot of my extended family are religious and quite a few of the many children became, on the face of it, less 'religious' as teenagers then got back into it in their twenties. They didn't lose the faith, just needed to think things through a bit.

I did come across a book on Amazon the other day which was a manual of normal behaviour! It was aimed at adult survivors of child abuse. Seemed such a useful idea, but I'm afraid I remember no details about it.

Hope you're right about the dc's behaviour, Silver. I just have no idea with the hitting whether that is normal impulsiveness in a 5yo, or whether I should be able to stop it with consistent discipline. Anyway, the day has got better. At lunchtime, dd1 (who is very creative in ideas for activities to lead!) suggested I come up with two traits to describe each of them. (One of dd1's was "creative leadership"!) Then she said they should all do the same for me. "Nice" and "lovely" came up a few times, but one of dd1's was "understanding", which was rather touching.

Glad your mum's back, Leclerc. Hope things aren't quite so overwhelming for a day or two; sure that would seem quite a holiday.

Nora - funny he doesn't get that saying things like that make it less likely that you will want to go back!

YY to the teenage/church thing. Did you know that in the ultra-religious Amish community, teenagers all leave the church for a couple of years? And have a wild time of it, by all accounts. And then return meekly, once the hormones have settled down a bit. Are there people from church that your dd1 will still see or stay in contact with, Leclerc?

Leclerc, I thought the same as Nora, that maybe DD1's decision isn't anything at all to do with her actual faith leaving her. She may still have it (and if she doesn't at the moment, she may find it again). But my first thought was it's her trying to hurt her dad, hit out at him, show him that she can do what she likes and he can't control her. Glad your mum is there again for some support and adult company.

Nora, by the way, I think what your FW said to your 5-year-old DD is appalling. That's the reason you are going, right there in a nutshell.

Lahti, perhaps you could just start talking to a counsellor by saying that you need to talk to someone because you've come to realise that your husband is EA and you want to talk about some of the things that have happened. Hope you manage to speak to someone tomorrow. His behaviour yesterday was entirely deliberate to stop you going to the event you wanted to attend. His excuse of 'I hadn't heard from you so...' is thin, and puts the responsibility for what happened back onto you.

Anyway, back to the grindstone, will be up till midnight working I think! (that's me peching away, working hard, not embarrassed!)

Thank you for all your supportive words, ladies, it is much appreciated. I am feeling much less doom and gloom today. I am sitting up in my little eyrie with kids and dcat; fw is downstairs where he should be! I've had a nice chat with my mum. Glad your mum's back, leclerc - thank God for mums, eh.

charlotte, loving the idea of the "normal manual" - I could really really do with that too. I wouldn't know a normal relationship if it slapped me in the face (ho ho, hollow laugh, sorry) I don't think I'll trust myself to get involved again once I?ve extricated myself.

Nora, your H is being a right sod, saying that to a 5YO. He sounds very similar to mine. How did you break it to him that you were leaving? Were there histrionics or manipulation or threats (obviously nothing normal from these fws!)

Leclerc re your dd?s faith ? I would imagine and hope it?s something that is deeply ingrained in her and she will come back to it when she is ready, in her own way and time. You?ve laid the groundwork for her and it will serve her in good stead, I am sure.

Charlotte I think that he thinks I'm going to see reason one day and start behaving properly. He once went into a rant about me drinking alcohol, smoking, and hanging around in the streets at night with men. He made me sound terrible! From my POV, what actually happened was that I had a couple of drinks with a few of the guys from work because one of them was leaving. I don't know if there is a way to reconcile our two cultures. I suspect we would need endless love, patience and communication...

Hi pony, sorry you'll be burning the midnight oil! Here, have a to keep you going!

OMG Nora are you me???! And your H is a clone of my fw!

YY, I agree that it was a dreadful thing to say to a 5 y o. I asked him to talk to DD2 and explain things properly. So he sat down and said that he would see her, if she was a good girl but not if she was naughty. I was holding a saucepan at the time and it really took all my willpower not to hit him over the head with it.

I have had to explain to the DDs many times that although we love Daddy sometimes he says bad things and that sometimes, we should just ignore what he says. I know it's bad to say that about the other parent, but there really is no choice sometimes. Of course then he tells the DDs to ignore me, and if I protest he says 'see what it feels like?'

It's so difficult to parent properly with a FW like H.

You sound really sorted, though nora - you're doing a great job, I think. When do you move?

thankyou Breathe I don't feel sorted, I'm just pretending to be Sometimes I start crying for no reason, I think one day the tension of it all will come out and I worry I'll go crazy!

Nooo if my FW is a clone of yours that means there's more than one of them! They need FWnet to complain about their horrible partners and sympathise with each other

I told H that I was leaving many times before I actually went through with it so when I told him again, he just said, go ahead. When he realised that I was serious this time, he didn't really do anything. He had been quite crappy to me in the couple of weeks before I decided to leave - smashed my laptop and threw a huge pile of ironing I'd just done onto to floor - and never spoke to me without swearing, bad stuff 'you're a fucking useless bitch' type insults constantly - so deep down it can't have suprised him that I was leaving.

nora fwnet!!! love it

Good luck with your move. I hope I'm not far behind timewise.

I keep saying I've left, no I haven't. I have rented a house, bought / borrowed / stolen furniture and explained it all to the DDs. I still have to do the final step and actually move into new house. I wanted to this weekend, but ended up minding friend's kids and using that as an excuse for not moving (friend is very ill and I couldn't say no, but we only have clothes / books / toys left to move and could have done that with a couple of extra kids in tow).

I can't quite believe I'm going to do this.