Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

It's not quite the same, kali, but I look at FW and there's always been a sense of disconnect: I can't quite believe that he fits in my life or work out how I got involved in his. I look at photos of the two of us and it jars: we just don't look right together.

Just a quick post as FW & guests have gone to bed as posts above have resonated with me. A massive YY to the main light/lamps thing, I have the same. I like to have the main light on, he prefers lamps. He will come into the living room and turn the main light off then put the lamp next to him on, leaving me in semi-darkness. Maddening.

The birthday thing is also resonating. He spends a huge amount on his Dad for his birthdays, and his own, but nothing or very little on mine. I'm 30 next year and mentioned that I'd like to go away on my own for a few days for it - I've been told a firm no as he 'wants to have a party'.

Today has been awful. He spent the morning looking at a new car, decided he wanted it, cocked up the money transfer so someone else got in there first(cue lots of shouting and slamming doors while our guests were in the house), then the seller tried to contact him this evening, he didn't notice the message until hours later despite playing on his phone all evening, and refused to ring back as 'its late'. Another row is brewing over him wanting our current car when I need it, I can feel it. If I pick him up on anything all day he turns to our guests and says "See what I put up with? It's like this all the time".

So so exhausted of it all. Keep feeling sad as I'm pretty sure this is the last time we'll have our friends stay (doubt they'll want to take sides when the shit hits the fan).

Leclerc, big hugs. Shout and scream here if you feel unable to in RL.

Pony, avoid the temptation to go and look. I doubt it'll make you feel better either way.

And MrsM, don't ever call yourself an interloper, you're not

Hi ladies,

I felt about the worst I've felt during this situation today. Usually I cope well, but the enormous stress and tension of last few weeks, and the feeling I've been retrapped made me feel so unbelievably low, I literally couldn't move. But I guess it's better to have a reaction, however awful, than to be fine for ages and then collapse into my severe anxiety disorder again.

I had a dream last night that he was arrested and was going to be put in prison for two years. In the dream, I was supportive but the underlying thought was "thank God, this is giving me my way out, in two years when he's released I will be so distanced from him he won't be able to manipulate the situation anymore." It's awful to say that I woke up gutted that the dream wasn't real. I really don't like myself for that thought, but there it is.

Friends keep calling to see how I am - I can't talk to them. I'm a sociable person normally but I am drowning and can't speak anymore.

breathe you are right, better to have the reaction. Long-term stress is debilitating, your body/brain decided enough was enough for the time being. want to vent?

Oh fly big big hugs honey (my laptop is about to die but hope I can post this quick to you))

You so close to the end now, I wish the FW would f off for you

also hoping this is not a dream, but a premonition! heh?

I hope you can have a good rest tonight, and feel some more strength returning tomorrow. Never mind as long as you have somewhere to vent this stuff... keep posting it out more (hugs)) xxx

do you have the WA number to offload to if you need, it could be helpful to actually speak to someone about it too?

Thank you silver and fi, this thread is yet again my life line.

I don't know if I am being too insecure, but I feel like the dcs won't stay with me if I move them out, because they are so mind-controlled by him, which is terrible for them. I now know how difficult and explosive they will be at yet another upset. Did those who escape find this too and did it wear off? I think it's partly because like any kids they crave for things to remain the same (silver/white dishwasher syndrome). But also they blame me because I am the easy one to lash out onto, which I don't mind (much!) as long as come round eventually.

The new place (avail early April) is great and they've seen it and loved it (under guise of it being for someone else). I think I have to be brave and move to it, but meanwhile pursue divorce so I can force rental of family home.

Anyone seen that film where a group of women all get trapped inside a mountain and one woman falls asleep in her suffocating little lethal cave and dreams she has escaped... only to wake up to the reality of her being buried in her cave under the mountain forever.

Not seen film - and don't want to

Yes you have to be brave, you can do it, I suspect you are just thinking the worst re kids atm because of your current weakened state.

Night all xxx

Oh, Leclerc. :(

I've just been hit by ds1, who was cross that I'd taken his den in the living room apart overnight. It's not unusual to be hit by him, and I always tell him it's wrong, but this time I was sitting on the floor and he was standing, so I ended up cowering underneath a 5yo. wtf? Seriously scary (the fact that I'm not in control and it felt so wrong, not the puny punch). Tbh, I'm not consistent in my response, apart from saying it's wrong I don't back it up with actions every time. I need to, don't I? FW isn't violent - I don't want to add more problems to the next generation. :(

Gosh lots of posts overnight. leclerc glad you are feeling a bit better.fly glad the DC like the new place. charlotte when my DD hits me I am the same I just tell he it is wrong H says i am too soft though I don't think I am really.

Your reactions to my confusing duck egg convo has opened my eyes to all kinds of everyday manipulation.

One example is we only have 1 car but we could easily afford another but H says no as he wants to pay off mortgage so that we can downsize quicker, afford to send DD to uni and also retire earlier and go travelling 6 months of the year. I am 37 he is 39. Just realised that actually it is because he doesn't want me to drive the car and when he does leave it for me he frowns on me using it for short journeys. All his reasons seem like sensible caring ones but actually it is just control isn't it? But no one else would ever guess.
Also I was supposed to be going to be going to watch an event today with him. He was already asking how long I wanted to stay and watch ie he wanted to leave early. Anyway the event turned out to be slightly different to what I had thought but he said "well do you really want to go now? the difference has put me off" so he is taking the car all day to see his brother 40 miles away and I stay home with DD.

Hey Fly - laptop went to sleep and so did I, but your last posting sounds like you have a plan.

It is even some very small things (back to the small things) that caused major upset here at separation time. I got some of his household belongings together (his treasured rank mug collection, and gifts from his side of family). Everything had been going ok until I tried to remove some particular pieces from the house. Then there was complete meltdown, and hanging onto the stuff that I was trying to remove. The weird thing is, it was a t'pot?! So their wavelength and adults - worlds apart. They notice the now and need their regular daily stuff to reassure. He wasn't missed atall, as he wasn't close, or very involved, mostly actually ignored, and ignored me too - like living with a stranger in the house, he lived his life like we didn't exist, but then he does that at work too and always showed huge intellectual arrogance for others ideas and lives oops wondered off into own rant

I'm really pleased to hear you have seen a place that they are so keen on, and you sounded that you might galvanise into action? I do hope you are feeling stronger today.

Note to self: see girls in mountain on telly, change channel! - that was grim, that is not going to happen to you hun! You are getting out and changing your life. xxxx

OK now don't panic too much about DC, ladies, hard as that may seem... sometimes the best of them are horrid little urchins testing boundaries in a perfectly normal way, this applies whatever the family situation.

I think more damage is happening the longer you stay there fly - i'd meant to say that before, as you were worried about the reaction to their moving out again. If for no other reason than the damaging effects to you and how you will manage emotionally for them if this goes on much longer. Take an enforced gap from him too so that you can all have some much neeeded space away from the mind games for a little to recover. take care xx

Charlotte oh dear! I'd want to have a serious talk about the hitting, separately. I ask what they think about say, hitting (when I've got my sensible, sorted head on!). Whether they'd like it, what its about, etc. and other better, kinder ways of getting their wants & needs met, or acting on frustrations, and setting a rule for what will happen if it happens again - maybe this is me trying to get approval for a consequence! but when the consequence comes there doesn't tend to be the argument, everyone is clear, and the thinking it through beforehand anyway .... well anyway... so sorry your being hit by yours

Mine also very sensitive to unnotified changes at certain times (I recall clearing away tents too, only to face a barrage of abuse and tantrums as the tenting games had been expected to continue as soon as eyes open in the morning . Hope the day improves.

Hi all. My H also hates unexpected changes in plans, and is always asking me how long are we going to stay for' and then if we stay later I get the 'you always do this, you never leave when you said we would'.

I'm ill today with DD (both have an upset stomach), so while H is being 'very caring' one of the first things out of his mouth was 'I can't afford to catch that, stay out of the upstairs toilet'. Fair enough it sounds innocent enough, but it's the way he says it, and the way that the first thought on his mind ever is how something effects him.

At the same time with how much H is trying these last few days I feel horrible that I am planning on leaving him, and feel like maybe I am just over reacting, as H tells me I am...

Just looked on rightmove, to see what's out there in terms of options. Just seen a gorgeous 2 bed terraced house within my budget, and the area I need! H would never have looked at it as he refuses to live in a terrace. Really want to go and see it now! What if I go and see it and like it?

TCM if it's within your budget, and you like it, you could move there... really you could. Just go and visit, a visit is a visit and it doesn't have to go any further

Lahti you were saying upthread about how your FW is nice and how could you be thinking about leaving, etc. My guess is you wouldn't even be on this thread if he really was nice. I used to think that H was 'nice' too sometimes, but in fact all he'd done was spend a whole day without swearing at me, or without making anyone cry. That isn't nice, that's just normal. Then I'd be so so happy if he bought the girls presents or something, but that isn't nice either, it's what normal dads to for their children.

I don't know about anyone else but my perception of nice / not nice / horrible are totally skewed by years of low level crap. H can call me a w to my face and I feel nothing. Most women would get mad, or cry, or react in some way I'm sure!

nora you have hit the nail on the head there re H being nice. I have just had a good chat with my friend and basically I am just waiting for it all to blow up again to do anything about it. I mean I can hardly say that I am leaving because of eating an egg . Everything us just low level at the moment BUT when I think about it it is constant which just grinds me down.

Thanks for the reply Nora it feels so weird to be going to look at a place, I have asked them for an appointment! I guess logically I know I 'could' move there, but the bit I'm stuck on is how to get from here to there... How do I tell H I am leaving and then stay strong for weeks on end while packing up my stuff and still living with him...

I so understand about your perception of nice/not nice, I guess my 'nice' is when H is being normal too.

Lahti I don;t think you should have to have a 'reason' you can pin leaving on, I think that just not being happy in the relationship any more should be reason enough. So easy to say, but look at me, I'm not happy but I still feel like H should do 'something' to warrant me leaving like cheat or something..

Lahti i found reading the chapters in bonus material from should i stay or should i go ^^ really helpful. they are aimed at men to change. but well worth reading can you imagine your H taking that onboard? If so, maybe get aim for asking him to do so, if you cannot then give yourself permission to leave.

Remember he can choose his behaviour. you can choose yours but you cannot change his.

Reading it has really clarified for me that my exes main issue is lack of maturity and total responsibility failure. he just couldn't get that
i didn't have to thank him for making a tiny effort.
that not bad is not the same as good.
and that if he did or did not do something
that was entirely down to his choices and not mine.

I.e.if he chose to spend all the day on the net instead of fixing his house (which I don't live in and cannot help with as i have the kids) then that is a choice he made. if he does not like the food i made, he can make his own. If he verbally abuses me about it it is totally not acceptable and in no way my responsibility.

He cannot see that.

And as my counsellor said it is not good if you cannot have the nice without having to take the nasty as well.

like you say leclerc its no biggey, but very brave of her knowing the greater implications for him, but it doesn't matter what he thinks?

ladies above, heard on hear the truism 'death by a thousand papercuts' - seems to fit well?