Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Is what just you? As pony says (and I hoped to imply) it isn't you at all, it's his FWittery.

Ah I see. I meant was I just being awkward (forgetting the convo/ not listening to him a few days ago) without realising and it was that that had made him get stroppy

Sorry pony I missed your post as it changed pages. I completely understand now

just finishing a coffee with the distant sounds of 'Now you're just somebody that I use to know' playing reassuringly around the venue i'm supposed to be studying in

Silver I am the 'shouter' too. He just never listens, and the more ignored and shit I feel the louder I get, and then of course he can pull out the card that I am being unreasonable and that he won't speak to me like this. I get that frustrated that I actually burst out crying, but of course that more of my manipulation and passive agression

ponygirl omg I have that internal spool to, always thought it was just me. Everytime I have to talk to him about anything I have already gone through all the possible scenarios and make sure I have answers ready. I think I have lost my voice too, just never realised it. If I ever disagree with H then I usually get told I am being argumentative and am in 'one of those moods'... I now just nod and agree most of the time as I don't want the trouble speaking my mind causes.

Also its just come to my mind how H is when I am away from him. If he texts me or tries to ring me and I don't reply then I start getting a barrage of messages all under the pretence of concern, but it's overbearing. And when I do get in contact I then get the thousand questions as to where I was, why I didn't answer, how I am 'always doing this'. It is not normal right?

Oh also the way he can be with our DD makes me very upset at times. Sometimes he can be great, but sometime he just has no patience. If our DD is having a tantrum and won't eat dinner he will sometimes call her names. He expects her to be good all the time, and if she is ill or tiered gives her no leeway. He can get annoyed with her over the smallest thing and doesn't let her just be either. The other half of the times he is good with her though... If she is very ill and we've been to the Dr and they agree she is very ill (because obviously I can't know that) then he becomes very worried over her.

Once situation that sticks in my mind was the last time she was badly ill. H was also quite ill at the time, but I was worried about DD. Anyway I asked H if he wanted to go to the Dr for him and if I should book and appointment for our DD as well. I had been being 'difficult all day' according to H. So he snapped at me to 'do what you want', one of his stock replies i.e if I talk about not being happy in the marriage he says 'what do you want to do then, leave?' I say I don't know and he tells me to 'do what you want then'. Anyway I booked her an appointment and we went. The Dr said she had a serious chest infection, to keep an eye on her all night in case we need to go to A&E and so he barley sleeps all night due to worry and 'my snoring'

Another example is I suffer from tonsillitis at least once a month. I have an appointment to have them out. Anyway before I got the appointment H tells me that my snoring is dreadful and is keeping him up each night. Each night I get prodded and kicked if I start to snore, and in the mornings he tells me that he hasn't slept because of my 'bloody/fucking snoring', and tells me that I need my tonsils out and that maybe I should loose weight (both of which I want myself). So anyway after another bad bowt of tonsilitis the Dr has now sent me for a consultation to get them out. I tell H and he starts saying 'omg are you sure, I think it's a bad idea, I don;t mind the snoring etc etc', complete opposite of what he was saying a few days before.

One other annoyance is so petty. It's over what light we have on. I like having the main lights in the room on, it's how I was brought up. Even if H is not in the room he will still come into the room, turn on the lamp, turn off the main lights and say 'you don't need that on' and then leave. Now I find myself automatically switching them over before H gets home if I am home before him.

Sorry that was a lot longer than I thought it would be

tired we have the lights/lamps thing too. I do it as well and get stressed DD turns the main one on when he is in.

ie I turn the lamps on when he is around

I do the internal rehearsing too. can be a bad thing as sometimes means i have already had half a dozen arguments with him before he even opened his mouth.

And we were both shouters. and noisy in bed so i am betting the neighbours aren't missing him one bit.

Ha had kids today. actually tested to say he was running late. think that is the 3rd or 4th time in 7 years- that he sent me a courtesy text not that he was late. late was a given.

May just be a reverse honeymoon period or it may be that we are much better parents apart. fingers crossed.

Reading through, I have just realized that the verbal onslaughts were gradually worked up to and never about anything I ever understood.
The relentless comments, which seem to be common to FWs, about how I looked, what I wore, how I spoke - and especially about phoning my mother (all for my own good, of course All had specific objects.
Now, if FW had shouted about what I wore, I could have told him to F off, but he didn't. That was all 'good natured banter' and I was clearly unhinged if I thought otherwise.
wrong footed
The verbal onslaughts left me in a pathetic trembling wordless heap because they were never 'about' anything - apart from my general awfulness.
wrong footed again
As Lundy the Great says - there really is no difference between abuse - abuse is abuse.
Leclerc Let them play superdad. It is our sense of unfairness and fear for the future that makes us hate them even more when they play 'what a great dad I am' when they have been fing shit up to now.
It is also our well-founded fear for the children when it all goes pear-shaped and is blamed on them.
But, for the present, let them ride horses.

arthritic seconded re playing superdad. it is galling if he is just doing it to try to make you look less exciting but it is better for the kids than if he were ignoring them. have had plenty of friends whose useless exes either palmed their kids off on their new gfs, their mums or just stuck them in front of the telly.

Kids are generally not daft. they will enjoy the horse riding but they still know which side their bread is buttered. I bet if they are poorly or hurt they come straight to you.

I'm afraid there was no subtlety with the verbal abuse in my house. just outright shouted name calling. I quite like a good debate but I cannot be bothered with people who call you names because you have an opinion other than theirs. I can disagree entirely with what someone thinks and yet never feel the need to call them stupid. or people who call you a liar because your recollection of events is different from theirs. I assume that they are mistaken but no as far as my ex was concerned I was lying and that was that.

Re. self help books.
Has anyone read any of the co-dependency books? I am not a big fan of self help books. Usually don't get past the blurb on the jacket.

I can't work out if I am codependent or not. some aspects of relationship with ex were codependent but I don't think I am too like that in general with other people. but I certainly wouldn't want to go there again.

so anyone recommend any of the books. nothing to 'woo' though. it does not sit well with me. phone counselor told me to write 'I must be kind to myself' on the mirror. that is totally not my thing! (not intending to be unkind to myself just don't need it written on the mirror)

It's eye-opening how similar our FW's can be. I am in bed atm, resting as my head is hurting. I have already had H come into me several times asking if I'm ok, if I'm sure I want to be in bed, if I am in bed then am I going to sleep soon, telling me to remember to turn everything off before I go to sleep, oh and to go and say night to him before I go to sleep...

On the money side of things, this weekend it's been shown yet again what a fw he is over it. I spent some money on text books, some gym clothes, petrol and some food as I forgot lunch one day. For every spend I got questioned over it. Yet yesterday H was perfectly happy to spend £40 on extras for a new computer game we both bought, because 'we can;t have incomplete games'.

Oh also I bought some energy drinks I like for my days in uni this week with the weekly shop, well when unpacking the shopping H comments 'omg how many of these things do you need'... I got 3, 1 for each day in uni...

Money - my H is currently looking up gliding courses for his Birthday they cost £600. I got a £20 sports drink bottle for my Bday last week. I know he is 40 but FFS. He is going on about my 40th birthday and going away for it, I can't think if anything worse.

leClerc it's just the roller coaster. Who knows how you will feel when you wake up tomorrow. My prescription: silly telly and choc.

Leclerc, I am with you. I am resenting. I walked past the police station yesterday afternoon while out with DS2, and was on the verge of walking in.

Shout, shout, let it all out (in the words of Tears for Fears).

You are allowed to feel like this. You deserve to. You need to find a way to get it out of you (as do I).

I am not sure where I am tonight, other than in a world of 'head-spaghetti'. Picked up DS2 from FW at 6.30pm. I was a top detective - his car was moved over in the drive so there's been someone else's car there today. And there was another car outside the house. I got the feeling there was someone (female) inside the house other than the girls. I tried to see but couldn't. He was remarkably pleasant and reasonable (another thing that makes me suspicious). I cried all the way home. I don't know why. I kept thinking about how I would feel if he was seeing someone else. I don't want to be with him, but the thought of my son and step-daughters being introduced to someone else in that context is sickening.
I've been through this once already - DS1's dad, although not a FW is still an eejit. He got with his now-girlfriend a matter of weeks after we split, and she spent time with DS1 from the beginning, but he didn't tell me - I guessed several months after the fact and asked him straight out. So much for respect and all that. Thankfully she's a good person and loves DS1, but that's not the point.

Have been working most of this evening, but had to have a half-hour sit down to cry hysterically. Am half tempted to drive up to the house tomorrow and see if that car is still there... Not sure what that would prove though!!!!!

I'm such an interloper on these threads, I would love to help or at least give my support to everyone but I get so little time online that all I can do is think of myself.

I will definitely agree with someone who said ^^ that the script is the same. They all conform to one line, I;ve had wine and am texting my dearest friend who is heloing me get my head arounf this.

How do they know "the line"? Mmm? How do the abusers know how to abuse>? I don't het it.

sad sad sa, ther is so much better out there for us than this ladies, we rock.

Can I butt in with something I've been wondering about?

I had a FW. Not for long, thankfully, and no DCs. But we (he) managed to cram controlling, an act of violence, moaning about my clothes, friends and lifestyle, being grabby and smothering sexually (I started literally not being able to breathe when he kissed me) and etc.

Sometimes I'd look at him and not recognise him. I'd get a low-level panicky feeling that I'd just let a stranger into my house. This is, of course, precisely what I'd done but it was after a year. I'd go a bit fuzzy and have to tell myself (repeatedly) that it was him, my bf.

Does anyone else get this?

listens - I feel just the same about the EA sometimes being as hard to get a grip on as a mist. Although I can say things to people that seem nothing to me (he always avoids eating meals with the dcs and me if he can, for example) and am surprised that they are shocked. I guess something like that does say a lot about his low opinion of us, but I don't even notice it any more. I have been struggling the last couple of days with keeping my resolve to leave, because he's been away for 3 weeks now and life is feeling easier. I start wondering if I can continue like this rather than face the crap that will come if I disrupt the status quo. I actually had to argue with myself for two hours today before I got back to realising that I do have to leave! I will talk to the WA woman about it when I see her, just to hear her take on it all, too.

Leclerc - your poor ds1 with his bad reaction at the dishwasher changing colour! Bless.

distant sounds of 'Now you're just somebody that I used to know' playing reassuringly Love that song! :o

Tiered - I get that frustrated that I actually burst out crying, but of course that's more of my manipulation and passive agression yy! I have memories of 11 years ago, newly married, putting my brain through all sorts of contortions to try to follow his logic like this. That was my experience of the totally confusing conversations that Lahti asked about - horrible they were. I guess I've blanked out a lot since then - remember those days more clearly than stuff much more recently. Because I was horrified at what I'd let myself in for (although he says he was, too ).