Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

breath they sound like good plans, good luck.

I've gone to bed early and omg it was like to H there must be something wrong with me. I got asked 3 times if I was sure I didn't want to watch such and such, then asked if he should come to bed with me, then he tried to initiate sex, told him no and I got a shocked 'you don't even want that'. Finally got to bed and 5 mins later he comes in asking if I'm ok as he feels something is wrong. It's suffocating.

He's also mentioned earlier today that he's worried we becoming distant again, and so is trying again, but underneath he'll say something and its clear he's still got the same views etc I.e money, or going to bed and I realize I can't do this anymore.

Just wish I could figure out hoe, and then how to tell him and follow through. Hoping my family will be supportive.

Ok who has given me their germs
Had to have the DNA tests done this week - as FW tries to back up his made up story that CAFCASS have already said they see through. I am really blaming dirty things in my mouth for feeling ropey.
breathe if I had to pick a plan it would be d. get him out but I guess that is not possible. My advice regarding contact would be to be very cautious not to look like you are using it as a bargaining tool as he could use that against you down the line. Contact arrangements need to be kept separate (in public). The mediator could give a report to a judge I think. I have no idea of legal process in divorce matters but your plan b re the house sell sounds good. I don't know when you can just force a sale?
fi happy packing - you made me smile planning to spend your saved money from the electric already
Lots of other comments have flitted into my head and flitted out again as I caught up with the thread! So, I am thinking of you all...just providing no proof! - me too charlotte you ladies have a great sense of humour. On that note and smile .....night.

Pony - what you said about lack of swearing and shouting resonates so much with me. Thanks it really clears my head. With my h he never outwardly stops me doing anything. But I know that if I phone my parents or wear something he doesn't like or help dd when she should be able to do it by herself or eat something smelly then I will either get the sulky silent treatment or the 'helpful' comments. "those jeans really don't suit your body shape" or "your breath stinks so don't stand too close to anyone at work" or "you sounded really condescending on the phone". The problem is that sometimes it's so subtle that I worry noone else would see it as abuse. He's so convincing that I 'm sure he could explain that he's only trying to help me. What if know solicitor believes me?

Durrrr no solicitor not know solicitor. I'm quite intelligent really. Honest.

match all of them, and sex after forceps even more that these are the 'small' things

Goodto hear of 'good' lunch charlotte

Leclerc wise words indeed x

It doesn't matter noone the only important one is you. You matter, what you think matters. Ifyou feel you can't challenge, or have choice, or have an opinion, change that opinion then you are being disrespected and undermined which are EA. Its so unacceptable to be told these personal affronts (about the breath and making your doubt your own intentions - the telephone call). Speak tothe local WA services who will know an EA experienced solicitor in your area to recommend. If any solicitor you might try out, does not give you the right answers for you, just go for another until you feel properly understood and supported (outside of EA experience you are unliked to get much sense tbh!), but you'll find one. good luck x

Hey Fly how are you now? I like your focussed outlook. I also note that its a valid point about how it might be perceived [withholding contact], but I think you have already done sufficient turning up at court for emergency orders as you did? In that you can do similar, maybe? for the safety of the children, both for moving in and back out, or demanding he leave because of detrimental effects on the DC? either that or the enforced break by you having to leave and no contact until you are back, when the DC can have calm and consistency to help them cope through this.

I just want to say how well you are doing, coping with all this. I hope this will be over for you so soon. Why do they not get the ones who really suffer so bad? Its so important he stay there despite the devastating effects on you all. I wonder if you could use the 'pull every trick in the book' very real worry to ensure that there is no contact during the time out that you will have to take if he will not budge between now and moving in date. I do think that the DC will be better of (being settled) by going home after this is done, but ultimately think they will be happiest whereever they can be relaxed and free with you. Sometimes a move on top might feel like just too much change on top of everything, but I wouldn't place that above keeping away from the FWittery & headgames they and you are experiencing. Thinking of you with your difficult decisions. take care xxx (you wil lmake the right one for you and them) Youare doing so well xxx

tiered always a bonus if the family will support, be prepared for either tho, wishing you strength x

Peace tonight to you all xx

Morning all not been on MN for ages, what with work and moving house... work lent me a van to go get furniture from Ikea. Was v. nervous about driving a van and nearly chickened out. Warehouse boss said, get into that van with you! You're driving a couple of hundred miles along the expressway in a fecking white van, not joining the Ice Road truckers! That made me laugh and everything has been going well, really.

Have been going to the new house in the evenings after the girls are asleep to assemble the new furniture - H does not like this but hey, it isn't my job to keep him happy anymore! I feel like running around screaming yaaaaaaaaay!House is still really empty but we'll get there and hopefully will move in properly tommorrow. Plus, I'm thinking the human race survived a long long time without such things as fridges and washing machines and so I will be fine for a few months!

Maggie and Nini and Breathe (and everyone else who hasn't left, but wants to) honestly, just want to agree with all the posters who have said that things are actually easier once you've left, even if there are huge practical difficulties to overcome. The weight off your shoulders when you realise you're free just helps you find solutions (and there will be solutions to almost everything!).

Leclerc hope you are better.

Good luck all

Yey you Nora!

Arg. DD just burnt herself on one of the radiators. Cue H rushing downstairs (fair enough), but then the questions start "How was she near the radiator" "How come I let her go there" "what was I doing". He then gets his act together and is helpful, but ffs.

He's also been in a huffy sulk because I'm 'not making an effort' and there is something up with me. He then said that I should go to bed, I said no. He then went on to ask me about another 10 times to 'please go to bed'. All seems very nice, but I know he'll then use it against me at some point, most likely by saying I can;t be moody with him, he let me have a sleep etc, oh and also to through up a huff if I go to bed early again tonight.

I've already got a pounding headache today which is threatening to turn into a migraine. Dreading going out and doing the food shop later. I'm actually starting to how quickly I can get out, think it'll probably be like pulling of a plaster, really hard to do, but the quicker the better?...

Nora haha ice road truckers. Just checking in have read all post (hard to keep up .
Well my H is being 'nice' at the mo which is really messing with my head. I keep thinking how can i think of leaving when he is nice. i even start thinking that i am the unreasonable one ie if i just tried to enjoy sex it would all be fine. Not sure if i dont enjoy because of H or if H is like this becsuse of me iykwim?
Yesterday though I mentioned that DD would be having her 1st school photos soon. He said he couldn't see the point as we have lots of pics already. I said I thought it would be nice to get them and he said let's see how much they are! He carried on about it for 5 mins and I just left it as fine. Which he has interpreted as we aren't getting them. Is this odd? I mean I was only making conversation and he has turned it into another thing he wants to take charge of it maybe I am over reacting.

oh and noone what you said just struck a chord with me. The making little comments if I eat something smelly (like lovely smelly cheese), or do something in a way he wouldn't, or if I phone my mum (why do you say 'so' so much, or you should really stop saying ish on the end of things...) It makes it so hard to keep in my mind that actually he is not treating me well because it is so subtle, there is no shouting or hitting me.

I went to uni the other day, needed help from my supivisor and the tech guys. It was amazing at how helpful they were, how they listened to me and not just took over. And the biggest shock was getting a problem sorted out, while having a laugh and nice conversation. Kinda makes me realise how shitty I'm being treated when even strangers or aquantences treat me so much nicer.

tiered, when I first left I used to break down all the time when people were nice to me. Because I wasn't used to people simply being kind.

Remembered another 'gem': "If I didn't shout at you, nothing would ever get done!" I need to write them all down.

oh! Match astounding - here's my similar I have to shout to make you hear, otherwise how will you do as you're bloody told!

Hah I was the shouter (as detailed in previous posts). I got louder the more I was ignored or my issues not addressed, this gave him a reason (he thought) to ignore further...

although I wasn't SHOUTING (as far as I was concerned), just Talking Very Quite Loudly.

Can I ask a question?
Do any of you have moments where you just think what was that all about? Conversation I have just had with H on his return from tescos
Me.. Oh, sorry I forgot to ask you to buy eggs
H.. How many are left?
Me. Just 1 duck egg (left over from him buying specially for himself)
H.. Well eat it.
Me.. It's ok I know you like them
H.. 'Huff puffs'. You just said you wanted eggs, I would have eatrn it 2 days ago but you said you were going to but you haven't and now it is going out of date. (I don't remember this convo at all)
Me .. Ok.

I have now just eaten a fecking duck egg that I didn't want as he wa getting stroppy. Please tell me am I just being daft. To me the conversation was just me apologising for forgetting to put something on a shopping list. Wish I hadn't said anything now.

Their ability to wrong foot you by coming out of left field is breathtaking.

TBH the thought of you eating an unwanted duck egg to keep the peace is somewhat amusing, although I appreciate you will have a different POV

Don't have time to read all and post (in middle of epic working day), but just saw your last, Lahti.

You are not being daft.

Confuse, undermine, demean. That's what he's done to you there.

And you end up being the one with the spaghetti head, and you can be damn sure you aren't going to say anything like that to him again, right? So he 'wins', and you wont be 'bothering' him with things like that again. And he's forced you into doing something you didn't want to do - he has demonstrated his power and control over you.

In the end with FW, before I said anything to him, I did an internal 'spool' in my head to see if there was any way for him to object to what I was saying, or if it could possibly create a bad situation. If there was the slightest chance, I didn't say anything. Because sometimes the most unexpected conversations turned into him shouting at me (Me: I'll put it outside in the black bin. Him: it's not black it's grey... cue me being yelled at and called argumentative when I wouldn't agree it was grey). So mostly I didn't say anything at all. In the end, I lost my voice entirely.

So, once again, you are not being daft. This is not right. It looks like a small thing, but it's part of an overall pattern of undermining and abusive behaviour wherein he exerts his control.

(PS this was my attempt at a short post... Back to work now!!) Or maybe a quick .

So is it just me? I am genuinely confused.