Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

mink I feel that in counselling I had to get out all the dysfunctional stuff first so I was ure it wasn't me just going bad and then I started with the recover. I always think to myself now he did it because he wanted to do it.
breathe I am holding your hand and stood right next to you every time he says these things.
And now he's moving round angrily downstairs because I called him on these anomalies. So he then phoned me to say all discussion with me is pointless because I am "a certain type of person with serious issues and a chip on my shoulder"..... and yet he rings you to tell you all discussions with you are pointless they just don't hear what they are saying do they... when you are out you can calmly say, well please don't talk to me anymore. The day will come when he can't do this, I just hope it comes quickly for you.

breathe what pony said I feel too but I didn't know how to say it. Please don't let the F4J lot scare you into thinking you can't tell children when FWs actions are damaging. There is a big difference between parents who made remarks about the other parents in terms of things that don't matter and times when you are doing what has to be your main priority and that is to protect.
As pony said you can direct the discussion about yourself not them. I worry his abuse is gong to get worse - I do fear that because you have gone back he doesn't think you will leave again and he has gained more power.

My exFW did that when I became pregnant - he thought he had control of everything then. The way he retalied to not getting what he wanted at all time increased in number and intensity and then again after we split (he ended it but I didn't chase him to come back, I bolted the door).
For a while he didn't see a way of retaliaing anymore without makeing himself look bad - he thinks he has found one now.
I always think that whilst they want control and the opportunity to treat you badly they do they want anyone else to know or to make themselves look bad - hence in my case he did the real damage when no one else was there or so he thought - on one occasions someone was there in the other room - his face was a picture when she came in and he was in my face with his fist raised and I was heavily pregnant.

leclerc get well soon

Someone up-thread said something about not feeling that their FW was EA, because he didn't shout or swear. I've been thinking about that. I think that's verbal abuse, not EA. Mine did shout and did swear, and it was very easy for me to pinpoint that he shouldn't be doing that because it made me feel bad and scared. But the EA is much more difficult to pin down.

I've had a few revelations recently in that regard, remembering stuff and then thinking 'hang on, that simply wasn't true'. And it wasn't, it was EA. But when you're in it, you can't see it. I could see verbal and physical abuse happening (although I always minimised it anyway ), but was not so sure the EA was even happening. For example, the discussion we had before about FWs telling us that our voices weren't right. I always thought I'd been patronising him, but it was only when that discussion happened that I realised - no, I wasn't, he was manipulating me. And the one I posted about the other day, when I had to go for a trace while pregnant and he made me feel as if I was blowing it out of proportion for attention. That was manipulation and undermined and devalued me. And it got me thinking back.

Once FW told me that I'd been getting evils from his sister because she thought I was flirting with her fiance. I felt awful that my friendliness could be misconstrued (I wanted to go and speak to her about it; he wouldn't let me), and was a bit wary of his sister after that. I now wondered if there's any truth in what he said at all, whether he just said it to throw me off, or if he was the one who didn't like my friendliness.

Similarly, he told me that his sister's fiance agreed with him that when me DS1 cuddled me it was really him trying to get back to breastfeeding (because his head was lying on my chest). I had previously really liked SiL's fiance, but was, again, wary of him after that. But did that actually happen, or was he saying that to both bolster his own comments and to put a wedge between me and the fiance? (There were similarly other reported incidents when this fiance and FW's brother were apparently slagging off my dad. I was appalled but maybe it simply didn't happen.)

I once asked to watch something on tv of my own choosing. FW said of course. But he went to bed as soon as it started (9pm) and was in a foul mood when I went up to bed eventually, so although I never consciously thought 'must never ask to watch my own programmes again', I never asked again.

FW was completely obsessed with table manners and refused to allow even me to eat with my elbows on the table and would tap the table and my plate to remind me as if he was my teacher. He said that he'd spent years drumming good manners into his girls so I wasn't going to come along and send them backwards with my slovenly manners. (I don't have slovenly manners, btw, DS1 frequently gets compliments for being so polite and helpful. I'm just not rigid around mealtimes like him.) But when it came to supporting something I felt strongly about manners-wise - writing thank you cards after Christmas - he told me it was daft and didn't need to be done and didn't support me in getting his girls to do it. It's only now I see how deliberately undermining that was.

So although I can say that FW never outwardly isolated me from anyone, never outwardly tried to control things with regards what happened in the house, it was all done so subtly that the end effect was the same. I just wanted to post that for the people who are struggling to see what their FW is doing to them, struggling with the 'abuse' term. Not all of them do all of the same things. Just because your doesn't (outwardly) isolate you or make you wear conservative/revealing clothes that he's not emotionally manipulating you in other ways.

Sorry for long post, that's all been buzzing round in my head all morning, wanted to share, hopefully it will help someone as well as helping me get it off my (non-DS1-breastfeeding) chest.

Oh Leclerc, hope you feel better soon!

Maggie the sanitary pad thing is bizarre! I agree with Ponys assessment of what it's supposed to mean. Weird behaviour, very weird!

Very low today. I've been a terrible mum these last few days, I got angry with DD last night and did something that could have hurt her. Totally ashamed of myself and bit frightened of my actions tbh. In tears now just thinking about it. Thankfully I've got her 2 year assessment with the HV in 2 weeks, I'm going to ask for some help. I need it desperately.

Spoke to someone at work about FW today (she knows background details), and she said it's bot hour fault as we're in a 'destructive relationship.'

Our friends are arriving tonight for the weekend (and FW likes them very much so is in a good mood and spent loads on food last night). I just want to curl up I'm so tired.

Will probably be absent this weekend so love to all. Stay strong.

That was a very well put post Pony

Thanks Nini

But pleeeease, don't beat yourself up about DD. If you do, all that will happen is that you'll feel even lower, and be much less able to keep control of yourself when you need to be calm with her. I can completely understand where you are, because I've been there too, and I worry about you.

Another story from me (I'm full of words today). When I split up from DS1's dad, I struggled. I was on my own, I felt desperate, I felt like I was generally a terrible mum to my wee boy. I felt like I wasn't coping. All this contributed to my eventual decision to come back home to Scotland. I was trying to sort out getting the house sold, no help from ex at all, in fact he was a hinderance - refused to agree to lower the price at various points, etc. I was at the end of my tether. One day, on the phone to the solicitor about the house, DS1 (nearly 3) was acting up - of course, because I was on the phone. I was frustrated, trying to get him to be quiet. Then he threw a book at me, the corner hit me in the face. I was hurt and furious and I smacked him. Hard. His legs were bare. I left a handprint.
It's the only time I've ever smacked him. I was very calm with him while he howled and howled, but after I'd calmed him down I sat on the stairs where he couldn't see me rocking in hysterical tears. I have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat thinking back on it now. I was so so so ashamed of myself. I was terrified his dad would see the handprint and DS1'd be taken away from me. But I think the reality of my situation is that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I think if I hadn't left when I did, things would have gotten bad for me.

And that's my worry for you. You are so low, and you have been for ages, and I know you feel trapped with no way out. Definitely speak to your HV, tell her the truth about what's been happening and how he's treating you.

Will be thinking about you over the weekend. ((hugs))

Thanks for the kind words Pony

Am sorry Nini you feeling low. We just can't always have it in us to carry on and give and give and give, under all this pressure.

You shed tears about it Never seen FW shed tears over his actual child abuse, and it certainly never scared him what he'd done, no remorse atall.

You are in extreme circumstances, back against the wall trying your damndest to get it right.

I hope you get to actually relax some this weekend as you have others around and that they will lift your spirits.

take care, I really feel for you... xxxx

yes, good post Pony the bf DS1 thing struck me immediately as him just supporting his theory that you shouldn't bf DS1 and would happily use a lie of someone's elses support to support him in that iyswim?

.. and you saying about him interpreting to you the way others feel, to control your feelings towards them...grrrrr...

it triggered a memory of the most appalling time with along distance row over the phone! Yes he did shout and swear down the phone and accuse me of being the most appalling things, but he cited the way I had treated some very good friends that had been helping out (and I would just like to justify myself again here, that far more than I'd taken up, had been offered) with childcare. I phoned both apologising in tears I was sooo sooo sorry, they had not a clue what I was on about, and were both very cross with him. I wonder now whether he had meant that as a way to demonstrate to my good friends that I might be losing it just a little? or whether he had been relying on me not telling them his reaction (protecting him, which I own up to having done a lot ) BTW still very good friends with them but not so with FW!

big Get Well Soon wishes from me Leclerc [hot toddy] and ((hugs))

Fly yes they need to know some realities of the situation, acknowledgig the way he makes them feel, and its the same for you, hurtful, damaging, etc. which is why you don't speak/act this way so that they feel better about themselves. This helps them to know you are all in it together, and trying to feel better, then acting is based on that. Do you have long to go?

I didn't realise you would have to go to a refuge?

take care xx

perhaps he was showing the white flag - or throwing in the towel?

sorry

glad to hear you sounding so well fi and sorry for everyone's shit...

Hi,

Just a quick, self indulgent post, it's been a long week. I have started to detach from what H does, and each time he is a FW I make a mental not that this is why I want to leave him. So I have decided to. I just now need to make a plan to do this, which is the hard part. I think I'm going to tell my mum on Monday if I can, and my sister on tuesday. It's like I've had a wake up call, H does not make me happy and I deserve to be happy. Hope I can stay this strong and clear headed...

Not self-indulgent at all, but news to gladden the heart of us all. :)

Well done Leclerc it makes you feel so good when you achieve something like that doesn't it.

Thank you for the support, it helps so much. I don't know whats happened, but it's like I have just realised that I can't keep on like this. I don't want to be with someone who questions my every spend, who I both dread and look forward to them coming home etc etc. I want my own space, to find me, to be me. And I want to be with someone who supports me, respects me, who gives me butterflies and who I can be myself around and be happy with.

Oh and I know what you mean about being ill not being recognised. Whenever I'm ill it's an annoyance, I'm milking it and I get the 'can't you give DD her dinner' or the huffing and puffing when he actually lifts a finger. But if he's ill then I'm not being sympathetic enough, he gets to stay in bed all day etc.

power to you Leclerc (for fixing, and not dying ).

ha ha Silvery I only just got that, you're too subtle for me

TCM good for you and lightbulb moments, keep going.

Pony thanks.

I'm thinking now that perhaps with the money I save in standby electricity not standing by, I can see how many tiles I can buy to fix the hole in my roof

now time to start the friday night scramble around. I have the usual friday night bag packed and off we go to all the various activities with all the right (fingers crossed) things! I've had my instructions.

take care ladies xxx

Oh I just wanted to add a little accomplishment that I've done today. I like playing computer games in whatever free time I get, though it's 90% of the time with H and ones he feels like playing. However today I have downloaded and installed a new games that someone I know plays and recommends. It just feels like a massive thing. And also gives me a glance at what my life can be like when I leave H.

Life is not made up of the great things but the small things. Often in an abusive relationship it is these small things which bring us down. Conversely, in a life with freedom it is those small things which build us up and show us how good life can be or is...

This is so true. It's so sad in a way, the way we don;t usually have these small things. I know in terms of my FW (slowly able to call him now as my eyes are being opened) that these small things don't make him happy, all he wants is more, bigger and better. More money, bigger house etc etc, it's awful and drags me down.

You know, I think trying to remember all the small things FW was concerned about was what caused my constant low level stress and migraines of increasing frequency prior to leaving.

• I was not allowed to use kitchen roll to mop up spills and was shouted at if I did. As far as I can gather, kitchen roll is for wiping noses according to him.

-The hot tap should not be run until it is hot. If you need hot water for the dishes, you boil the kettle . -If I was ever ill on his day off it was somehow deliberate to 'stop him doing his jobs'. -Nothing must ever run out in the house. Especially bread or milk. None of either of those would cause a rage. -Heating must be on/off according to his mood. Which I should have known in advance via a crystal ball.

The thing I have been stewing on most over the last few days was that he coerced me into having sex 11 days after I had dd. I had had a forceps delivery and had stitches all over the place, but he pestered me until I gave in, despite it obviously being too early and painful for me.

Leclerc - that thing about life being made up of small things - so true. To FW, other people's small things are an indication that they are small things - we, FW and I, are supposed to feel above them, smile smugly and feel grand. That's when he's happy and I'm brainwashed, at least. Only recently have I realised how important the small things are, and how much I've lost by absorbing FW's superiority complex.

Lunch with my friend was fine. Good, in fact!

Lots of other comments have flitted into my head and flitted out again as I caught up with the thread! So, I am thinking of you all...just providing no proof!

Clearly need to go straight to bed!

Fi and pony and Better thank you so much for the hand holding and ideas. They are buzzing round my head.

Plan a: to leave my job (asking them if they can keep door open for future ? I have good relationship with them), tell school and just go with dcs and dcat to dm?s, giving him that contact ultimatum you mentioned ? ie once he vacates house contact will resume. Meanwhile he will pull every trick in book to destroy us and I just have to prepare for that.

Plan b: I tell him in mediation I want divorce, we have to rent out our family home and each rent a smaller place. That if he cooperates, I will then be as reasonable and open about contact as possible and lift the court prohibition against him.

Plan c: continue under same roof but fast track divorce.

Thanks for all the support and sorry it?s all been a bit me me in my posts

leclerc are you feeling any better? I hope so.

Maggie how?s it going? Is the ST still stuck on the mirror

nini good luck with the weekend and like the others said, don?t torture yourself too much if you lost it a bit ? that?s normal even in a normal household. With the crap we have to put up with, the wonder is that it doesn?t happen more often. Xxx

Fi hadn?t planned for shelter yet but will ask the DV helpline ? that could be a useful fall back plan.

Match I don?t blame you for ?stewing? ? you have every right to ? I was informed by Relate that being coerced into sex is rape whether it?s physical or mental coercion. My FW coerced me into something I was very uncomfortable doing, physically and mentally, because I wasn?t ready to get pregnant (fw didn?t have a job).

TCM the small things are good they're what life's made up of. Jane Austen concerned herself with the small things and is considered by many the world's greatest novelist. Dan Brown concerns himself with the big things and er... isn't [disclaimer - I like them both ha ha!]