Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Woohoo!

leclerc that's great news.

Sorry I am on my phone so can't remember all your names but I have read through and hope everyone is as ok as possible.

warning self indulgent post coming up. Currently hiding in bathroom hiding from H as more people I work with have told me that my marriage sounds emotionally abusive SHIT!!how did I not realise for 12 years. At the moment he is being nice, although I think that is everyone else's normal. I feel like such a bitch as I can barely stand to speak to him about very much, I am sure he thinks I am just being moody. I sort if wish he was being horrible as at least I would know why I am upset. Rambling now. Will be back tomorrow, hopefully not crying.

Yay leclerc Definitely .
Lahti it is a shock when people describe your relationship in that way. A few people had said the same to me way before I left, but I just didn't want to believe it.

Fantastic news Leclerc
Lahti, no real experience as nobody apart from my sister the other night has ever told me my FW is a FW, but I guess it must be a shock. Don't feel bad that you didn't realise, feel good that you know now.

Another row tonight. We tallied up our monthly outgoings today and of COURSE he queried something - the nursery fees this month. I looked into it and long story short, turns out I'M the one whose been shortchanged due to HIS mistake. Sent him a snotty email at work which made me feel better.

So he brings home a chocolate bar to say sorry. Fine.

Then later I tell him that in a few weeks when it's my sister's birthday, I'm thinking of staying at hers overnight (Mum is also staying so will be a good girly night), which means he needs to do the nursery pickup that Friday evening. He exploded at me as that day will be the end of his working week in his new job, so I 'can't expect him to be around as he will be finding his feet at work' . It's a 9-5 fucking job, he'll be closer to home than he was, half an hour in the fucking car! And yet I'm ASKING TOO MUCH?! I told him he was being a dick and as always his job comes before me or his family. Then I came upstairs.

Things can't get any worse so I might as well speak my mind.

matchsticks Thankyou. I just don't know what to do. I feel like he needs to do something awful for me to go. We are supposed to be visiting my parents in a few weeks. Last time he threatened to leave as he felt they were rude to him (they weren't), if he did that again I would give my DD to my mum and say that is fine but I am staying. However that won't happen this time and I missed my chance.

Everything is in joint names including bank account for both our wages and mortgage. He sorts the finances and makes such a big deal of it as though I am incapable and now I also think I couldn't do it. I rang a counsellor but just sort of blurted out the less horrible stuff. I will ring back but I don't know what to say. I have already done RELATE and we are heading back to how it was minus him having an EA. SHIT SHIT SHIT.

leclecr... go you !!!! you are an inspiration.
Lahti even those my exdp ended our relationship and I didn't want him back I still didn't really see things and friends had been telling me and I had not heard them. You have heard them, you are feeling it. It doesn't matter how long it takes you have done it!!
Maggie you have taken me back to a time when I thought the world was against me when on top of everything I got the flu. After years of therapy I now know it is natures way of telling you to rest, regroup and then onward. I didn't think so at the time, it made me upset. You are doing a lot.. you are doing well. When I am feeling my worst I feel DS hates me.. and what I am doing/ not doing. There must be some reason for this, they must sense something. We want our situation to be different, so they must I guess - they can't understand we can't make it all right. They don't hate/dislike you - they just dislike the situation... I think? They can tell you, they feel safe, they can't tell FW?
Jayho totally agree with Pony I haven't been in that position but I am really sorry about the situation and really wish them well.

Lahti, open a bank account in your name only and then if you decide you need to leave you can transfer your wages straight into it. Ring tax credits and local council to see what tax credits/housing benefit you would be entitled to, then you know how feasible leaving would be. I am actually better off financially single as I was paying a disproportionate amount into the bills account.
I think tbh, once people know what he is like it spurs you on in a way. I felt that once I'd told people about incidents and everything in detail to my closest friends and family, that I could never go back as they would be wondering why anyone would.

Lahti i went 7 years just thinking we argued a lot and his time keeping was poor and his will power not very strong.

Then i kinda realised that we weren't just arguing. it was the sane argument round in circles, a lot of what he said was not rational and that he was verbally abusing me.

So when i told my friends who actual knew the way he treated me that i thought it might be verbal abuse they were a bit like thank god you finally realised. i still feel a bit shocked and a bit dumb for not realising. i was always angry about the way he treated me but somehow never clicked.

My mum still says it was at least partly my fault. thanks mum.

thankyou all of you it is just becoming real to me now, I just feel sick. Question.. How can I open a bank account secretly? as he will notice the statements arriving? Can it be done so they are only sent online??
I can't believe I am saying this but I really wish he wasn't being nice at the moment.

Fairly sure you can just have online accounts. You could explain to the bank if you felt able.

You can get statements online i for with my online account. or you can get then annually so by the time you get one hopefully you will have moved. only issue us that they do usually send some forms and or your bank cards to your address.

Speak to the bank. see if you can sort something out. you will need your passport though.

I also remember the feeling of feeling paralysed when he was being 'nice'. I bet he is only 'nice' if you are doing everything exactly how he likes, eh? Stage 1 of the cycle-building up the tension slowly. My estranged H is being 'nice' at the moment, but only because he wants me to go back and end up with more of the same.

mink matchsticks Thankyou. 12 years ago i was a different person to who i am now.
You realise it is bad when you daren't get the bus and instead walk 2 miles in the rain as he would complain that I wasted £3.

He may be being nice but think back is the nice more of the time or less? is the nice nice enough or just not actually nasty?

With my ex the good times were like when a headache stops. it only feels good because it hurt so much before. otherwise it would just be neutral rather than positive.

At least if you are ready then if/when he does turn nasty then you can go.

Lahti sorry to hear you're having a tough time, its hard when you see how bad others in RL think things are. When my DBFriend witnessed a mild FW act she was so shocked but I had just become to accept it as normal-seeing how she reacted straight away made it hit home to me and she hadn't even seen him at his best FWerty.

Leclerc good news about reclaiming dining room, all positive steps forward!

Nini feel for you, my FW controls all financial stuff now, I'm not even given any housekeeping money and have to make a shopping list that he goes and gets as I "can't be trusted" with any of HIS money. Yet I'm not allowed to go back to work-my good career- to get my own money Please don't let it get to that stage with your FW.

Mink shaving my head now! Although just want to repel FWs, nice normal manly men are very welcome to apply once I am free and over all this FWerty!

Speaking of Fwerty...FW arrived home after being away for two days..spent an hour with me and kids and then buggered off out to watch footie with his mates. Never mind that I am really ill and could have done with a break from kids, nah as long as his mates are ok hey? On the other hand thank feck he's out of the way for the night but god knows what time he will roll in

Nice is just the absence of actively being nasty. Thing is though I have been a misery guts the last few days so I feel like when he starts being nasty I wil have caused it.

Lahti Jeezo that is some level of control

i was very lucky (in relative terms) as i retained my financial independence throughout. so i had no such issues except when we had to pay for things together like a holiday and then he would always make out he was being done somehow and start a fight. He was always really paranoid that i was after his money.

Xposted again!

Thank you Better x

Lahti I've opened a sdecret bank account a few months ago-its the barclays current account, you just get the card and starter peperwork through the post and opt for online statements, nothing else comes through the post-everything online!

Yes, we had a bills account and own accounts. If the bills account ever went overdrawn, I'd have to itemise all the bills to explain it as he'd accuse me of spending money like water, yet take about 30-40 quid a week to the car boot and come back with a load of crap we didn't need. It was the double standards that did my head in. I was told he was sick of me being so miserable and moany, but as any of my friends and family members would say, he was the only one who made me feel that way.

Lahti: BANK ACCOUNT

You need a basic bank account with online everything. A basic bank account will have no credit check, no monthly minimum pay in and no flash extras that get you noticed by people who send you random mail. I opened one with LloydsTSB...just had to be firm that I did not want one of their fancy ones!

The best place to find a recommendation is Money Saving Expert: You need n online account with a cheque book and debit card. if it has an allied credit card that is also good as these accounts tend to have a low (£50ish) overdraft limit but the credit card will give you more flexibility. Most you can open with £10 and then transfer child benefit, pay, WTCredit etc when the time is right.

In preparation i would make sure that the child benefit is paid in your name and that you know how to QUICKLY remove his name form any credit cards where you are the principle card holder. It is also helpful if you can make sure that you are jointly named on something like council tax bill as this will be a useful proof of identity and previous credit worthiness.

Sorry that's an essay!

PS they can deliver paperwork to a branch near to you if you can't have it delivered to your home...or even work if that is plausible.

foolonthehill Thankyou I need no nonsense advice like that. Now I realise what has been going on I just feel so sad/angry.
Just realise We didn't try for another DC as we felt that 1 had been hard enough for us but now I think maybe it was because I was under so much control and utterly exhausted by it. Too late now though I am 37 and DD will be an only.

Don't have anything more to add on the bank accounts Lahti, fool and everyone else have given good advice, but never say never on more children. You just don't know what will happen. I had DS2 at 38 and would be planning to have more, if his daddy wasn't a FW.

Half-watching 'One Born' earlier while working, having tv on in background helps me, honests, and had a flashback/memory from when I was pregnant, had completely forgotten. I must've been about 7/8months, had routine midwife appointment. She asked if I'd felt a certain number of movements in the last 24hrs, I said couldn't be sure I had, definitely less movement than normal but sure it was fine. However she sent me up to the hospital for a trace. It wasn't a big deal, fairly routine just to check. So I texted FW to let him know cos I wouldn't dare not keep him completely up to date, and asked my mum to take me up. He called and sounded really angry with me. Asked me why I was going up, as if I'd requested it rather than having been sent by midwife, insinuating that I was making up stuff to the midwife to get more attention (something he also leveled at me when I got iron tablets prescribed for a low blood count). I was trying to play it down, not up, but he was just really off and angry with me, wanting exact details of what the problem was and what was going to happen when I got up, how long it would be, etc. I just kept having to say 'I don't know', I was so anxious I couldn't talk straight and certainly wasn't making sense, which was just making him more annoyed with me. Mum heard it all and wasn't impressed. Just so sad. He should have been concerned for me and the baby, wanting to look after me, but instead he was just horrible to me. When i think of that me, sat in the car upset at how my supposedly loving husband was being towards me when I was feeling a bit anxious and vulnerable (I knew it was all fine, but there's always that worry), and how anxious I felt speaking to him, I just don't recognise myself.
No regrets about leaving. None. Not at all. Just very very sad as I still muse on what could have been (to misquote the Adele song). If only he weren't a FW. But he is. Tuh-wat.

Sorry, long rant, been musing about that for a couple of hours now as I worked and getting more and more annoyed thinking about it!!!! Anyway, been working all eve, and lots more to do (gotta somehow fit about 20+hrs' work in between now and Monday morning, urrrrr) so am off to bed.
Thinking of you all. x

Pony when I get a flash back I feel like he has some how managed to get to me again via thin air. I had stopped getting them, they are back. I wanted you to know that I know how it feels but my therapist said it is a good thing and it will help remove the pain, I hope he is right. One Born really upsets me - it was just a wonderful yet terrible time. FW raised his game when I was pregnant and then again when DS was born. I stopped it via a legal route - I was surprised he backed off, he's back. He's rewritten the history - it's like the final stab when you have already almost bled to death or he's dug the knife in the raw bit that had healed but the scar was still showing. I guess we can't forgive nor forget but we can deal with the emotion? make the bad memory something we take forward to make us stronger not weaker.. well that is what I am trying to do, I'm varying in my ability to do it.