Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Just had a moment's panic!
By smoke and mirrors, I meant that the reality FWs build is their own fabrication where they are entitled to everything - not that they cannot become dangerous in the real world.
Please everyone, stay safe.

bloody, well, bloody, said arth and here, bloody, here

Your last post is something that all parents should aspire to Leclerc the honesty and acceptance of your part in this (beforehand) and openness to the world and more especiallly your beloved children, is profound and humbling to see [why isn't there a 'tearful emo]

Onwards and upwards leclerc !!! [rousing cheers]

right off to face my FW for his round of FWittery!

one day, soon, you'll look back and you'll see all this was a phase, and you'll all appreciate the strength it taught you all.

i know you'll not see it yet, but if it helps power you through all this emotional mud, know that in some weird way, going through all this has made a better person of me. I've gained more than i lost somehow.

on the other side of this, the truthful side is a true nirvana.

for every step away from those that put you here, there is a loving, caring, super step that is so tangible that you'll feel you'll burst. only the truth, and the belief in yourself, and your decision to get out will lead you there.

when you're right, you're right, nobody can ever take that from you.

leclerc, he thinks you'll crumble without him! what a twat! i hope you laugh like drain when you think of this.

he wants that misery, how sad and insecure is that?!

he has no idea of tge strength you have, he doesn't know you at all!

:-)

Hi,

I have been directed here from a post I started on relationships. I am so confused in my marriage atm. I have been with my H for 9 years, since I was 16, and married 4. We have a 2 year old DD. There a variety of things that I feel are wrong. He says or does something and then tells me he didn't, or I heard it wrong. He is very negative and also looks at the bad things, he also is focused on money. Everything is linked to money in some way. I also have to explain every spend.

He is not very emotionally supportive, and I dread going to him with problems. An example is that I just got my exam marks (I work 2 days and am a full time student) and got straight 2:1's. He comments to me that we should look at my 'failing grades', when I questioned him he said he wasn't meaning it like that, he was meaning as I originally wanted a first, and this was failing that.

Also he has to be involved in everything, if he is upstairs and our DD has a tantrum he will come downstairs to see why and how I am dealing with it.

We never go out and do stuff. And he wants to know the plan for the days he is at home. It is all very structured and no spontinaity (spelling, sorry). We tend to do things to his schedule, and in the evenings do everything together, as if after my uni work I want to read or something he gets huffy that we aren't watching x, y and z. Also I don;t feel I can work on my uni work all night, and that I must stop before bed to spend time with him...

I just feel very trapped and stifled. I would love to be in charge of my own life. I still care for him and love him, but I do feel it's more as a friend. There is no romance or hugging and kissing, and sex is always a quickie. Tbh though if he tried to change that now I would probably hate it.

I find myself dreaming of him leaving, and of my life as being single. I get on so well with other people, and find myself looking at other men.

Also I am on anti-anxiety meds and if I am annoyed at him, or am upset, moody or stressed then the first thing he does is ask if I have had my 'pills'. and every problem he tried to boil down into 1. Also I do most of the housework, and he only really helps if I explicitly ask him to.

Anyway, that was long, so thank you if you read it all. I think he is a good man, but he has problems with knowing how he comes across, and I just am starting to think we are not compatible any more. But I don't want to hurt him...

leclerc when I read your post I see your strength SHINE through - when I don't see my own. I can't really add to the wonderful, correct words of others except to say that DD2 is processing things and you are there to help with that. It is good she is letting it out and it is helping her as hard as it is to see her pain. It is a real step forward. I felt ill for days when my DS has his first real melt down over the return of FW and he was blaming me for not being able to make him go away. Luckily there has not been much else that my DS has had to endure since but depending on what the court says it may/probably will come.
FWs control continues today as I get my latest letter about things and things I have to do - when he has done NOTHING for his DS in all this time is makes me sick but I am trying to just see it as another step to securing my DS's safety and happiness and we would all do anything for that. Off to try and just be `normal' for a bit.

thank you leclerc

tbh I don't know what I would think. It seems to be normal in the circle of people I know. My mum was in an abusive relationship. I only have a couple of friends, and my sister-in-law has issues in her relationship as well...

Hi, I'm sorry, I'm gatecrashing this thread, but I just read TiredConfusedMummy's post, and wanted to respond. You sound like you are describing my husband, especially the bits about it being structured to his schedule, and everything very negative, and micro-managing everything - basically the upshot is that you feel never good enough, because the standards are too high, but then you never have any time to yourself to re-charge your batteries, becuase he won't let you, so it all becomes more and more difficult, like wading through treacle. I'm in the process of initiating a separation, but it is so hard because of the emotional manipulation. Urgh. But anyway, stay strong, stay focused on the uni, keep reading here, and every day you will get clearer in your own mind about what you want and how to achieve it, and not just be an accessory in his life.

Anyway, on the uni grades - straight 2:1's is good! Very few people get firsts, but that is what you aim for and look to improve towards, so sounds like you are doing fine. What year are you in?

Oh and also he is always telling me that he doesn't want to hurt me, that it's me taking it the wrong way, and that if I really feel like this then I should just leave. I know I can be nasty as well, but I am just so confused right now as to what to do.

thank you snowshapes. I am in my third and final year of my degree and have been offered a masters place for September. The wading through treacle and not getting change to recharge is exactly right! If I want to go to bed before our usual, scheduled time, then I am made to feel guilty. Tbh I am considering using the rest of the career development loan in September to sperate. But then I feel guilty for hurting him, for leaving him like everyone else has and wonder if I am making mountains out of mole hills. Oh he also tells me no-one else would put up with my 'shit'...

I am in my third and final year of my degree and have been offered a masters place for September

and you'll never find anyone as good as him either confused did you know that!? I am shit too, and others won't put up with my 'shit' either - its a loverly way to describe your ladylove isn't it?

Know your own mind, the one that you have so eloquently expressed on here. xx

Thankyou Snow I hate this, I feel so torn in 2. I definitely would not want our DD to ever feel like this, so I suppose in a way that's my answer. I get so far with being ready to leave him, but then I get so scared and upset and I relent. I do feel that I would most likely be fine once I was out the other side of it. There would be so many things I could do that I can't now. I could get a dog, go out, have hobbies, not worry about furthering my education, make decisions, what and do what I want when I want, have a tidy house, feel free, be spontaneous. I know it would be hard as well, but emotionally I think it may slowly start getting better. One thing that struck me was when I told my H that I had an offer for my MSc and a plan for my PHd afterwards, and the first thing he said wasn't congratulations, that brilliant, but instead was 'but what about my PHd'...

Leclerc, pretty much how you've translated it,the truth will set you free, but first it will make you suffer.

Sorry Fairy must have cross posted! I know I can be horrible to him as well, but yes lovely view to have of the person your meant to love...

It's so draining, all the second guessing, fighting, ignoring things, not being me. Struggling with what to do. I am just so scared of making the wrong choice I feel like I'm stuck in a limbo

Confused, have been feeling reading various bits of your post cos it's quite familiar! I struggled with thinking my FW was a good man for a while. I'd say now he's a good man to the outside world, and certainly to himself, but to me? Nah. He's very controlling, isn't he? "We must do this, at this time, otherwise I will make you feel guilty. And you must never leave me as (fake sob) everybody has before." (Whereas in reality, once he finally realises there's no getting you (me) back, he'll get up, dust himself off and head off in search of his next victim - cos there's no depth to his emotional world!!)

That jump into the unknown is bound to be scary, but no wonder you're excited at the thought of what would be there for you the other side. The heady experience of freeeedooommm! Close your eyes and leap - once you've done it, it's done.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! at your FW, Leclerc. Because mine's just the same in that utter utter unbelievable self-centred selfish preoccupation with his own fantastic self - wonderful actor playing the hero in the play of life where everyone else is just a bit part to reflect his wonderfulness. Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!

And breathe.

Hi, all and confused especially. We'rei in similarish boats. have just split up from now ex bf for umpteenth time. this time for good. feel like i have finally woken up and don't know what i was thinking.

I thought he was just a bit messed up. but now i see he is really quite abusive.
I would still say not deliberately. he doesn't have a full emotional deck to play with but that is his problem not mine...or rather it is no ones problem as he won't admit he has one.

Have been reading some if the links from OP. has made sobering and depressing reading.

Realise i have been getting hoovered in the past and doing the whole declaration of independence thing and then resenting the policing thing and he has been accusing me of being controlling.

Have finally realised does not and will never see me as an equal.

Am quite pissed off with self for being such a fool and have realised i am a bit codependent in that i am a fixer and always try to see the good.

Annoyed that i got sucked into so many circular pointless or irrational conversations and that i wasted enought emotional energy.over the years to power a small village.

also annoyed i made such a bad choice for myself and the kids. think i stuck with it for so long because i couldn't bring myself to admit it was a bad choice. All a bit vain on my part really, thinking it couldn't happen to me.

Could tell you a million things my ex did but cannot be bothered even thinking about it.
On the positive side although i am in an uncomfortable place right now at least i am on the road to somewhere else. and i kept my own home and money throughout, my own friends and a wide range of hobbies and interests and best of all i have the kids. :-)

Here's to finally coming out if the FOG.

also annoyed i made such a bad choice for myself and the kids. think i stuck with it for so long because i couldn't bring myself to admit it was a bad choice.

and so say all of us mink because when you are out you look aback and just think "why, why did I think that was ok??"

But you can't see it until the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) has lifted, and he has done enough damage to make us understand that "it's not you it is him" and HE's NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.

confusedmummy you are awesome to have done a degree, had DD, looked after everyone (except possibly you) and to have survived. Now you can work out what happens next in order to thrive!

Welcome newbies, sorry to hear your situations, stay strong, I know its hard.

Leclerc you are an amazing mummy and cope so well with DC, sorry about DDs meltdowns hope things will start to get better.

Waves at everyone else

In other news....I am back down in my black hole that I find it so hard to crawl back out of with a combination of general downright shitty FWerty, MIL asking 20 bloody questions everytime I see her, DD now ill with flu/cold I am just worn out, drained and basically fecked by it all. And if I wasn't feeling bad enough the final nail in the coffin came in spectacular style this evening when DOldflame who had become a really good friend and support over last year or so has just out of the blue defriended me on FB. Feel like someone has punched me in the guts tbh and for once its not FW not sure what went wrong as our last messages to each other were just friendly normal ones