Why are so many people up at this hour ?

[SummerDad]

Just wondering ...

No she doesn't sound like she sleeps much!!! Hope you're surviving Kitty.

It is complicated re DH but now he's talking about reducing the "flexible childcare" he "provides for me" when i work weekends & nights on call so even his DD is just a burden. I don't think there's any way back from this now

oh midwife, gosh what a tumultuous time you've been having.

kitty- DD sounds like she will grow up to me like meeeeeee and never sleep (I was like this as a child too) she does sound delicious indeed, I miss that age, it's just adorable (though I love DS now he is so very articulate and has opinions) it sounds exhausting for you though, the night waking. Have you tried (sorry think it's upthread) but instead of stopping BF, only BF in the day? even if you express it and put it into a cup for her (probably against various dental guidance etc) but may be a little step towards sleeping through the night, if she is feeding for comfort/habit

midwife- your DH, you're still married right? Is there any possibility he could be trying to appease you into staying married to him, rather than seeking a divorce, if he is trying to protect his financial assets? (cynical)

sounds so utterly difficult for you. I'm sure you loved him before all this.. and true love probably never truly goes away (which is why, I think, that it is so hard to leave or part ways when you're at your stage of 'what do I do what do I do, someone tell me what to do' because you are so conflicted)

P ended up demanding £20 (!) every day to look after DS - his own son- which I paid, on top of paying our full London rent, all food, bills, etc, as I had to or DS wouldn't have been fed. It was chaos.

I only felt relief when I finally left. It's easy to fuzzy out the bad bits espec if you ar emarried with children. But think for yourself and what is best for you.

What does he get out of staying together (well, sounds like cake and eating it) and what do you get out of it (not a lot of help, not an equitable financial share, and does he make you happy or keep you on edge). you are in a very demanding job that is very high stress, you need support behind you. do you rely on him for a lot of childcare? I was in that position and felt trapped between rock and hard place.

A breakdown is no laughing matter but the additional paranoia is of course deeply troubling. If he needs time out, and if he is stil blaming you sometimes, I'd say get out. But then again I make the worst of decisions. Of course there is all that 'sick role' theory too..

would you be able to separate again, and reevaluate in perhaps a year's time? sounds a lot, but it's only now, a year down the line, that P and I are on speaking terms (he is still horrendous, but it has taken him this long to come out of his alcoholic stupor and utter madness and become a person again)

Kitty - I guess it depends if you want to change things or not? Are you happy to continue? How old is she (I know you said up thread but can't remember)?

14/15 months I think

sorry for my wiffly post midwife :)

had the weirdest thing happen this evening, did zumba, was really hard as have been living on junk and doing no exercise.. left at some very late hour, and ran straight into my ex boss

waves at all, trying to catch up with all the unread posts before falling asleep again ...

Wave Summerdad!!

Thanks Midwife99, something happened since we have been on this thread. I have been having a more stable sleep pattern for some reason, not sure why though

Oh Cafe that's the thing. I am conflicted. We've been separated since last May & he's been wavering ever since. One week he says "let's buy a new house & live happily ever after", the next week "I can't cope with living with you again". We have not lived together since last May. What he really wants is to live on his own, see me when it suits him for the occasional night out but usually night in & sex, stay legally married so we don't have to address the legalities or finances, but also stay married so he doesn't have to find someone else. He knows that most people find him rather withdrawn unless he's drunk & in an "up" phase. He's only really truly himself with me. I feel he has depended on me to help him over the last few months into recovery & now he's feeling more confident he wants his cake & eat it & is more decisive about staying apart. Now I've said - no more - make a decision - he's freaking out about being taken to the cleaners. The sad thing is - we love & fancy each other loads. We can't seem to detach from each other fully & move on.

cafecito - It must be your daughter's birthday round about now; you didn't say the date.

Bless her, poor little darling, and her DM. x

thank you jynier, yes it is x

midwife, thank you for your post - see, all of those things - how do you benefit? you love him, but has his love for you changed (don;t mean to be horrible) but if he wants out, I see 3 possibles here - either a. his illness means he does need time out, it's extrinsic to your partnership, but is intrinsic to him b. he really does want out and just wants to keep you quiet and placated enough by being 'together' ish so that he gets to retain financial control entirely c. he does want to be with you, but if the answer is c then he's really taking the p*ss

I know you know all of this already- but I also know it can be pretty isolating to be in the midst of all this - of course everyone qill tell you to leave/ pass judgement on it, but they have not felt how you feel, they have not married him, they have not had children with him, so nobody has the real insight to say what you should do.

You need to seriously think how this relationship benefits you.

If he did agree to move back in, would it be with such reluctance that it would taint the whole thing anyway? you want it to be coming from him, right, him saying sorry and how he wants it to work.. without changing his tune 2 or 3 days later? It's such a shame, if this is mainly his illness, and if this can pass, to throw it away. But you sound like you have had a very hard time for a very long time and from the sounds of it he still isn't realising this or acknowledging it properly.

Sometimes, people have to hit rock bottom to realise what they have lost, before they can start to go back up again. Perhaps leaving him properly, would be his rock bottom in a way that jolts him into a state of consciousness about your relationship, cause and effects of his actions

or, alternatively, how do you feel about staying married.. but not being together for period of time, until you have enough space and perspective to make a decision you feel ready to make?

if you could negotiate an appropriate financial arrangement, and separate- do you feel sad, or do you feel relief?

Just woke up in the middle of the night :(

still up here, summerdad!

... me, too!!!

oh dear. I did some work and then have just avoided bed.. if I knew I would still be up, I'd have done something constructive. I think I am tired, but now I am worried about missing my morning session if I do sleep. arf.

I just sent an email offering to be a helpline person for a (bereavement) charity near where I live. I think I could handle it.

Have seriously overdosed on chocolate again. How are you jynier?

Morning all brings out a tray with biscuts teapot cups and sausers and sugar bowl

biscuits, did you say? [fatty]

morning stars- whaddaya think, should i stay up and be early, do constructive things in the meantime, then just go for ther whole day tomorrow, or go to sleep and oversleep and be late arghh to be normal

Stay up. If you are feeling a little floppy I would place wrists (up so you can see you plams) under very cold running water.( old army trick for the hot summers in germany with stinking hangover)
I did really well last night sleep about 03:30 woke up at 9 am but not done much apart from catching up on NCIS LA 5 esps I saw today. And stareing at my phone hoping it will ring for work
Though my dp was sleeping off nights so I couldnt potter around. So am wide awake again. Dog has given up and gone to sleep in her bed in the bedroom sigh

I think the chocolate has not helped the awakeness situation note to self - never again shall I eat green&blacks milk choc with almonds (like 3 bars) for my dinner. not bueno.

thanks for the army tip!!

My sister suffers the oppsite she struggles to get out of bed she has bi polar and just found out that the shaking shes had for ten years is not a side effect of the drugs but ms.

On the plus side I got 6 packets from the postman he said
did you get bored at the weekend. Ebay is the devil you know.

Opened them up and one wasnt from ebay but from my sister

a homemade knitted purple rabbit that I think my neice has made ( 12) left message on sisters phone to see if true

( rabbit is still unamed but is sitting on top telly next to a angry bird my dp won at the fair. My sister truly a hermit

It has been known I leave messages to ask her to call me to make sure the dog hasnt eaten her

Ohhh I do like greens and black choclate and 3 is a lovely number

what biscuits are they stars?

Hi all

oh summerdad you were doing do well. You are definitely up less now these days though wouldn't you say?

cafe and midwife thank you for your posts regarding my daughter. She is indeed 15 months and is still breastfed to sleep. I know we've spoken before about her self settling/feeding to sleep but yesterday was very out of the ordinary. She was awake in the end from 3am till 20.00 with less than an hours sleep at midday. She even fought sleep at 20.00. But when she went off she slept for over 7 hours and has not long woken. I have a pint of water by the rocking chair and she asked for and guzzled lots of it. She was also very thirsty at tea time. hmmmm........thinks.....

Anyway, in terms of of I want it to continue; I do and I don't. We aren't ready to stop breastfeeding yet, I love that we are still at it, she loves it too and its so useful for teething, periods of illness, calming upset etc. I know I can't do it forever but can't see myself stopping. However, the cons are the exhaustion and the fact that no-one else can settle her but me. Silly I know.