Why are so many people up at this hour ?

[SummerDad]

Just wondering ...

Hi midwife, childcare is mayhem- alternates between a nursery in central London and with relatives a few hundred miles away it's just been logistically very hard on my own. then hard to try and minimise upheaval and disruption, and negotiate. And yeah I kinda end up feeling like I am giving up a lot for medicine, as I see DS sporadically when I'm on nights and things but I need to have himn back full time, and there is nobody around me to help so then that is a whole other stress.

I actually went to bed last night, but took an hour to get to sleep then I did oversleep! disaster missed some thrilling statistics, made it in late- tomorrow morning is even earlier start so should probably go to bed by ... 2... 3... have lots of work to do tonight though, about to get started .

that's hard midwife- how long have you been with DH? do you see a lot of him nowm and how is it when you're together? :)

Thanks, folks, for your kind messages.

Today was the anniversary of something very special; kept it to myself as have found that people are embarrassed and don't know what to say. Was close to tears all day - absolutely ridiculous for a woman of my age.

The worst anniversaries are coming up over the next few weeks. Spoke to a very close old friend a couple of weeks ago and she said, more or less, "Stop wallowing in self-pity and get on with your life." Easier said than done! I am so sorry for my loved ones who are gone and, especially, their families. Two wonderful people have been lost who still had so much to live for! It is so sad.

aaargh the ex's parents are insisting on their 'schedule' for the weekend, just sent me a snotty email. As if I have the time or inclination.. aaaaaaaaaahhh

jynier x-posted sorry. I have a lot of anniversaries coming up in the next couple weeks/months and I also get that reaction ''move on'' is the thing people have said if I ever utter DD's name. So very unhelpful. Do you have a chance to speak to anyone about your losses?

cafecito - No. People don't know what to say and I don't want to make anyone miserable by saying how dreadful it is. You will be very well supported on here by us all when you are going through bad days.

re my post about Premarin on 23rd Feb at 8:40:12 - had a reply from our MP today. She didn't know about HRT and the horse farms and is contacting another minister. Quite a decent reply.

well, likewise jynier- please do be open here, it's a safe place for that. I see a counsellor now but haven't been in ages. I don't ever speak about it in RL either- I don't want to upset people, and most people would recoil in some kind of way to it.
However, some days- I feel that sometimes it is appropriate to talk about those I have lost recently, such as DD or my grandparents (who raised me) and then, I deliberately talk about them openly (amongst family). They tell me to stop they are veyr much the shut up, move on, let's not talk about it variety..but I think out of respect actually it is important to talk about them sometimes. At Christmas I lit a candle- my mother freaked out and blew it out (she's not normal) but I did it and said how I remembered a christmas with my grandmother when we had all been together, with DD, and my grandfather, and told a few stories.
It's only rarely that I do this, and is only with people who are so adamantly uncomfortable with talking about it. I think I enjoy winding them up, and making them face reality. (you may feel like this some days too, I think in the bereaved it can happen, that you spend 90% of your time nice and the other 10% much more likely to say what you think than before). When my grandmother found out she was dying, she liked this poem:

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

so for that reason, I still talk about her when I can.

(sorry for hijack)

well done jynier on raising awareness with your MP, that's brilliant. I didn't know about it before you mentioned it here.

I think though that it might help you if you hve a space to actually speak it out loud. I imagine you're quite a private person, but if yu fid someone you feel comfortable with, it can really help. Your GP could refer you.. or you could contact cruse the bereavement charity? or even a telephone helpline if you're at a low ebb (I never have, but I was thinking for a while of volunteering for a childrens one, but haven't done this as not 'ready' yet really). It really could help you to talk it over.

I have known "Death Is Nothing At All" by Canon Scott Holland for many years. It used to be comforting for people years ago but is now so familiar at funerals (especially Masonic) that it has lost the impact. Believe that Sheila Hancock railed against it. It doesn't make sense now in our non-Christian society. I prefer Apache prayers.

So kind of you cafecito to post. Thank you.

So sorry, cafe! Have just realised that my post seemed quite harsh.

Hope that you were able to deal with the "snotty" email. Do what is best for you and don't take any c**p!

not harsh at all jynier- I like the basic premise of it and think it transcends many religions and beliefs, except perhaps absolute unbudging atheism. I guess I had never heard it until she read it. Agree it would lose its impact if it was overused. When I'm down I very, very much identify with auden's funeral blues. But I try to be less morose most of the time. What are apache prayers? (being thick here)- I'd say can you link to any but..

I am quite pleased with myself I just did a whole load of drug calculations and didn't stuff them up (hurrah)- now have to prepare for tomorrow morning *sigh

so, going to bed at 2 didn't happen...

Oh same here cafecito getting get to sleep till 8am up at 1pm sigh my dog juat keeps wandering over to me and looks at me to see if its bed time yet

Getting = didnt doh

so getting to bed at 3 didn't happen...

I've done no clearing up. But have done quite a bit of work. Not all the work, for I am already 14 weeks behind to be precise, but have done enough to get by in the morning and contribute.

heermm... more work seems more enticing than bed what is wrong with me!

hello stars

blast I had composed a huge post in response to the exchange between you cafe and jynier andy daughter flailed her little arm back and knocked my phone and I lost it all

I had wanted to say I am horrified and truly shocked by the response you both seem to get to wanting to about your grief and your lost loved ones. I can't imagine anyone trying to stifle someone talking about their grief or losses in such s way. I think it's not only very important but also very natural to want to talk snout those people in our life who have died. Not just in discussing the loss but also in remembering and sharing memories. I find this particularly hard to digest when thinking about a parent who has list a child But I suppose I come from the scouse Irish Catholic tradition which it steeped in talking/ wakes/raising a glass/setting a plate.

ok this time her little flail pressed send before I could revise/correct my post. sorry. I hope it makes sense

Hi stars and stars' doggie

My daughter is wide awake again but my husband has taken her downstairs this time as he has a rare day off tomorrow. I can hear her squeaking from up here

yes kitty it is suprising but I don't have a normal family, rather mad in fact, it's them who are veyr much against me ever talking about any of it. My friends, well, they go silent if I mention DD, so I don't. except someone from my course who told me to 'move on' (a medic) because I wanted to specialise n the same kind of thing, and because I spoke at a conference about her case.

definitely is the overwhelming norm to meet this response I think, for me anyway and I guess jynier too.

I am particularly annoyed by the ILs - I said I was speaking at a conferencel, and they told me off and told me to move on and it was unhealthy. wtf. They also never met her, but that's a whole other rant....would take a whole new night

hope you can get some sleep with DD downstairs kitty

Thanks kitty - I'm Irish. Have been to many, many funerals and wakes ever since I was a small child as my mother would always pay her respects and take us with her.

It is so different now. We're all expected to get back to "normal" straight after the funeral and to accept bereavement counselling or anti-depressants. Neither of these help with the tragedy of grief. Our lives have changed forever and we have to try to exist without the beloved ones!

I am very fortunate in that I have a huge family but none of them will discuss the losses - swept under the carpet! I have not attended any family celebration for nearly two years as am so afraid of breaking down in tears and spoiling the occasion for everyone.

Sorry, SummerDad, have hi-jacked your thread!

So sorry once again Cafe & jynier - it must be so painful to be silenced by family or friends when you want to talk about your loved ones.

Your baby sounds delicious Kitty!!

Cafe - re my DH. We've been together 6 years. He had a serious mental breakdown during the last year of our living together inc paranoid psychosis & hallucinations. (My fault he sometimes says, other times recognises long term illness & childhood abuse) He left & rented a house nearby. After 3 months apart we fell back into each others arms I suppose. He had a course of psychotherapy privately but resisted medical referral (paranoid about big brother knowing his medical details). The promise was that we would work towards living together & getting our wedding rings back on. Now it's 7 months since we got back together. He's starting psychotherapy again next week & wants a psychiatrical referral now for medication long term. But he has wavered almost weekly for the last 7 months between wanting to live with his family & wanting to separate permanently hurting me in the process. He has now said again that he wants to separate permanently but continue seeing each other casually (& me not make any financial claim other than CSA rate child maintenance despite him earning 4 x what I do, owning a successful business & having a house in Spain!). So I have started to talk financial settlements & he is furious. Sigh!

my baby is indeed delish midwife.. she's really funny and loving and clever (as I'm sure they all are ) However, she was awake from 3.00 this morning until 12.30 just now What was that about?!

I'm sorry I missed your earlier post about your husband. It sounds very complicated and heart wrenching. I hope you can continue to work towards your goal of being together again. Unfortunately, I suppose, these things don't respond to timescales and deadlines, do they? Hopefully he will rethink his financial arrangements. I can't imagine how that must be for you

she's awake again

surely she must be unwell? this can't be good for her.

it certainly isn't good for me