tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

[chocoreturns]

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

I'm pretty easy going and I wouldn't put up with 'Mummy OW' either. I think it's reasonable to say to OW that you appreciate she wants to get to know ds but it's confusing for everyone and hurtful for you if he is told to use 'mummy' so you expect her just to use her name and you will be reiterating that to ds if needed. If your ex then queries it you can use the 'so my future partner can be daddy X can he?'. If he says his fine with that it will just be further evidence of what a liar he is.

if there is even the smallest possibility that is the case (and I think there is more than a small possibility, no reaction is the only reaction I can have.

lol sorry I took ages to post that last bit and missed the inbetween replies. I've got a table leg too bblackcurrants shall we call that Plan B in honour of you?

I will not use my DS's as pawns to retaliate, in his horrible little campaign to make me feel like shit.

The trouble with using table legs, is that it would be a waste of a perfectly good table.
Despite the obvious satisfaction of beating him unconscious , there is very little hope of beating any decency into such a shit.
Really sorry, Choco :( (from a silent admirer :))

I would not take being called mummy by my StD and I wasn't even the OW. She had left my then husband for his best friend. I loved that little girl as my own and was nowhere near at fault but that would have been just unnecassarily hurtful. I certainly would not have been allowing my DD to call the OW mummy anything.

You need to correct your DS and say she only has one mummy and one daddy. It is not retaliating to state facts. The Mummy Ow thing is just damaging and confusing.

'Mummy ow' I would be spitting!

check have followed your threads but I have no wise words, I will say that you should be bloody proud of yourself, not everyone would be as dignified as you are being.

Hold your head up high, karma means they will reap what they sow in the long run.

Much love to you xx

Any reaction feeds the narcissist's ego. Nothing will hurt him more than a serene smile & you looking fabulous in tight jeans while "Skanky OW" gradually gets paler & more hung dog by the week. Chair leg to his widescreen in the dead of night anyone?!!

But yes - correct DS when he says "Mummy Skank" - "it's just Skank, darling!"

I agree with correcting him - "Darling, her name is just skanky, not mummy skanky. That's because little boys and little girls only have one mummy and one daddy, and I'm your mummy so she is just skanky".

I would think it might be confusing for him to be told he suddenly has another mummy.

Choco I think you are showing incredible restraint.

*no, we shouldn't use children as weapons to hurt them. We should use CHAIR LEGS as weapons to hurt them. I'm raising a posse, who's with me?
[brandishes chair leg] *

Love it!

Lots of wonky tables and chairs as MNers grab legs

I stupidly played a game with 2yo DS to see if it was a one off and I was over-reacting. I need to say absolutely nothing else, otherwise the smart cookie will latch onto it as something that gets attention and drive me up the wall going on about it. He was chatting about his nana, so I started asking him, who's your nana? who's your daddy? Who's your Grampa etc as a game, all smiles and fun (he's very into his 'own' things and naming stuff, so it's not an odd game really for now)

He was laughing along until I said who's your mummy? and he paused and said, um, OW? I fronted it out by laughing and tickling him and saying don't be so silly I'm your mummy!! She's just your OW. Left it at that. But fuck me, yes, today I would be glad of a MN hitman!!

I think you are being amazing.

Just to mention...nothing like your situation but my ex got involved with someone pretty quickly after me and him split up. They had my son calling her 'mum' after about a month. I asked repeatedly for it not to happen but they agreed with me and carried on anyway. Now he is older and still calls her that. They tried to excuse it by saying that it was because her boys called her mum and my son got 'confused' and 'picked it up by himself'. Which was BS. I note her children don't call my ex 'dad' but by his name. And he lives with them full time.

Anyway my point is it has stuck now and it does irritate me, mostly because they clearly encouraged it and I think it was a way for her to get her feet under the table with it all and assert her 'role'. I think in the beginning she was having fantasies of me not being there and them all being happy families together, without the pesky ex hanging about. Obviously not going to happen I have him most of the time and we are very close.

However despite it irritating me, I know who his real mother is and that's me. She is not his mum and never will be, and will never replace me in any way or create a bond like me and him have. So I let it go and I don't say anything to him, I don't want him to be in the middle of shit between me and them. I have had to decide whether to fight it and see the knock on effect on my son or to secretly think she's a twat and smile and be pleasant anyway and not let my son see it. I chose the latter.

I know it's so difficult because my situation was not an affair type one, in fact I instigated our split and even so found it really annoying to have my son be encouraged to call another woman 'mum' who had known him for oh five minutes! But I do realise it said more about her and her insecurities than me.

Sounds like your dick of an ex is trying to get to you. You seem amazing at being the bigger person and so I think trying to frame it mentally in 'ha what a desperate wanker to try and get to me that way. Pathetic' is helpful!

Well done for not letting yourself get sucked into it. Lots of respect to you.

Oh but as usual Choco you handled it brilliantly.

I agree - its not coincidence that this was the weekend DS started saying it. Ex probably pushed the OW-mummy thing. It was just a way of letting you know he has power :(

Keep clear with DS and I would wait before tackling it with the twat.

And um, a few pages back, did you mention you had a date?

I did

it's been rather overshadowed this weekend, but it was lovely and I'm seeing him again...

and Sundaysgirl, I couldn't bear it if it stuck :( so I probably will tackle it obliquely via SIL/MIL/stepFIL etc just to make sure that other people are correcting him on that one.

sorry Sundays - I'm feeding DS at the same - of course I meant to say, how utterly horrible for you :( sounds like you are pretty amazing at being the bigger person yourself!!!

...how does he feel about being called "daddy" ?

Super well handled :). I love it. Keep roaring with laughter at the very idea. After all, as well as being total shit, it is completely ridiculous

Oh, and if the new man, works out, get your dd to call him Dad!
( Oh, I know, bad, bad idea but wouldn't it annoy your ex so much!)

ds

Oh Choco pair of selfish bastards. Totally, completely selfish - with no thought as to how this will confuse the kiddies. I would also raise the matter with in laws. By the way does the heap of dung know you we're on a date? Because you do know he won't like that right?

Even ex (who was a useless father) didn't try the Mummy OW thing, but the OW did. HE put her right with an 'they already have mother' . So she banned him from seeing me, and also them. Which he did. She is long gone but he has a distant relationship with my eldest and a non existant one with my youngest (both in their 20s now). My husband who has been a wonderful father to my youngest who was 14 when we married (eldest had left home) is not called Dad. He's called by his name. But he is his father. They have a fab relationship, better than mine &y Dads. A title does not make a parent. Actions make a parent.

I have absolulty no doubt what ever they end up calling OW, or her successors - you are and always will be their Mother.

Looking back to your date I really hope you had fun and don't let subsequent twuntery spoil the memory.

Ok I have a chair leg ready!

It actually spoilt my relationship for many years with my sd to be forced to call him dad by my mum. He was in no way responsible for the break up and is a lovely man. For your boys sake it needs stopping, I used to lay awake at night terrified of saying the wrong thing. She will never be mummy, she is 50% of the reason they have a broken family and nothing more.